As you know, I have been away for a while, with my brothers, making repairs to our ancestral home - 'Treetops'.
The troop of dwarfs that we took with us have made sterling efforts and have carted away skip loads of deceased and rotten wood.
We had a few problems with the neighbours. The giraffes and the monkeys were most put out about our activities - complaining that we were disturbing the peace of the jungle and that we had put our skips where they liked to park their cars.
But that is typical of jungle dwellers - very small minded and conservative.
But what to do with it now?
Modernise it and bring it in to the 21st Century or attempt to restore it to it's former glory?
Personally, I feel that we need to make use of some of the skyscraper technology we have developed here at Homeward - this is my design.
As you can see, the telescopic struts create a platform with expansive views over the trees, and the accommodation consists of three large open plan rooms.
My brother Rudolph, however, wishes to knock out all the walls and create a 'hide' from which our neighbours in the jungle can be observed in their natural environment. But I think that he is only thinking of his television career as a 'reality' documentary maker. I am sure that our neighbours would be incensed if they knew he intended to secretly film them.
My other brother, Bertram, insists that my ideas are typically expensive and over flamboyant. He insists it just needs a cheap makeover and has bought a lot of old boiler parts and pipes off Ebay. This is his design.
A right old mess if you ask me. I suppose that we could consider selling it, but it would be a wrench to see the old ancestral home go, and, of course, in the present property market I do not think we would get a very good price.
We had an estate agent come round. A gorilla in a very shiny suit. A bit of a spiv, if you ask me. He was most rude about my plans - claiming that jungle dwellers were not ready for that kind of modernist approach. Apparently, they like traditional wooden treehouses with a garage and dividing walls so that there are lots of small rooms. No imagination, these jungle creatures.
The gorilla said we should put it up for auction because it is in such a poor state and is not worth much. Then I caught him on his mobile phone talking to Beaver Hateman - it turns out they were in cahoots trying to get it for a knockdown price.
Talking about the present financial troubles - that President Bush is getting almost as bad as the King of the Badgers. He was on the phone begging for a loan again today.
I have said that I can stretch to $200 billion but not a penny more - they really have to try and sort out their own problems.
It has been such a busy year, my Bus Tour of Homeward, the Beaver Hateman Libel Trial, the Badgertown Mayoral Election, The Lost Clinkers Cooling Tower Expedition, the Lunar Return, The Homeward Olympics, being a 'Secret Trillionaire' and discovering the Higgs Boson.
I think that is quite enough, even for an elephant of my stature - it is too much to expect me to sort out trivial matters like the collapse of the International Banking System.
Sorting out the Ancestral Home can wait too.
I really am quite exhausted and in need of a holiday.
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5 years ago