Beaver Hateman has caused a furore by making disparaging remarks about the Badgertown Health Service on the Bad News Network.
It should be noted that I provide health care free and gratis to all the inhabitants of Badgertown whatever their age or income.
The Bad News Network is a propaganda organ for the Badfort Crowd - but what, one wonders, could these left wing agitators find to complain about a free service?
It would seem that Beaver's grievances stem from the treatment he received from medical staff after a run-in with the Badgertown Police. "It is one rule for the ruling classes and another for the workers!" claimed Hateman.
"We were being good citizens, helping some security guards carry some sacks of gold coins into a bank. When suddenly they started accusing us of theft - just because Hitmouse had mistakenly mixed up his bags of sawdust with some of their bags. We were then attacked by the forces of oppression - i.e. the King of the Badgers lackey police force. A fight ensued in which a few of the coppers got some scratches from Hitmouse's skewers and I was severely injured on the head.
On our arrival at the Badgertown Hospital the Securitate were all given Gleamhound's Wound Inflamer and immediately felt better. The so-called nurse accused me of being a "cry baby over such a small bump" and doused it in Gleamhound's Headache Relief Ointment! I had a pounding head for days!
Do Not Be Fooled! the BHS is just another tool of oppression!"
I was of course shocked to hear of this unfortunate incident. I have no doubt that it was an accident. Sadly, even in a caring service such as the BHS, errors do occur.
It is a well known fact that Gleamhound's cures all work backwards, but obviously this can become confusing at times.
I have invited the Nurse in question to tea at Homeward and I assure you she will be severely reprimanded.
Many of you have written to inquire if, during my ancestral research, I have discovered whether a certain area of London was named after one of my forebears and why there are such a large number of wall decorations bearing the image of an elephant around the city.
It is a well documented fact that an elephant called Caesar ruled over a large swathe of the present capital of Britain - then known as HomeLudein from which London was derived.
In 55BC an upstart Roman (who had adopted the elephants name in an attempt to bask in his reflected glory) attempted to invade Britain and was quickly seen off by Caesar and his followers.
As Lucian wrote at the time “…A group of four or five elephants were sent against the cavalry on either flank, the remaining eight attacked the scythed and two-horse chariots… Neither the Romans themselves nor their horses had previously seen an elephant, and they were so confused by the unexpected sight, that while the beasts were still a long way off and they would only hear the trumpeting and see their tusks gleaming… they turned and fled in a disorderly route before they were within bowshot. Their infantry was trampled by their own frightened cavalry.”
Reminiscent, I think, of the Badfort Crowd's cowardly behaviour.
Some historians, rather rudely I feel, have quoted Caesar as 'enjoying what he calls, in his usual self-promoting style, his "accustomed success"'
Caesar had a vast castle that covered a large area of modern-day South London - even bigger, some say, than my own vast domain.
There have been many tributes to him in the area....
...even to this day.
One cannot say with certainty that he is an ancestor of mine - but it would seem likely, given his entrepreneurial spirit and determination to fight for good causes and upright citizenship.
I had a nice weekend break at Owl Springs, and did a spot of fishing and horse riding.
As you are aware, I am a shy retiring elephant - but it was rather hot, so I took my top off.
The Old Monkey took some, if I may say so, rather flattering pictures of me that unfortunately found there way into the press.
The Homeward Gazette made some very kind remarks:
"Uncle has an amazing physique for an elephant of his age. Undoubtedly the global politician turned media star of our age. He is as fearless in his leisure time as he is in business. Whilst on holiday he swam with ease across a river. Despite it being fast-flowing and full of rapids, it did not scare Uncle one little bit,"
Of course, there are always some cynics who manage to make everything sound sordid - not least the Badfort News as usual.
More interesting facts have emerged, in the research for the 'Who Do You Think You Are?' programme about myself, regarding the artistic leanings of my forebears.
It would seem that my Great Great Uncle Tobias was a major influence on, the artist, Monet.
Indeed, Mister Monet would only allow himself to be painted by Tobias - seeing him as his mentor and being the only painter of equal ability to his own.
Hitler, it seems, set about conquering the world armed with a cultural wishlist, his obsession with art often dictating his military itinerary. It seems that he had a particular fixation with the works of my Great Great Uncle Tobias and with the few portraits painted of him. Apparently, when Paris was taken during the Second World War he insisted on going straight to the Louvre and looting the painting "Great Artist in Repose" by the 19th century Austrian academic painter Hans Makart.
It would appear that, at the same time as Tobias was astounding the art world, another one of my forebears, Great Great Uncle Renfrew, was opening up trade routes to the East and dallying in the art world himself.
In 1888 he sat as a model for the Japanese artist Hanabusa Itch's, ukiyo-e print "Blind monks examining an elephant".
In various versions of the tale, a group of blind men touch an elephant to learn what it is like. Each one touches a different part, but only one part, such as the side or the tusk. They then compare notes on what they felt, and learn they are in complete disagreement.
In this instance, as Renfrew sat for the painting, it would seem that the blind men were in confusion about him. Some felt that he was an elephant of noble birth and great wealth whilst others believed he was just a pompous elephant with an inflated view of his status. How interesting to have been a fly on the wall and to have heard the conversation that engendered such disparate views.
The story is used to indicate that reality may be viewed differently depending upon one's perspective, suggesting that what seems an absolute truth may be relative due to the deceptive nature of half-truths.
How true, one must concur, when one considers the information that this journey delving into the past has uncovered.
I has always assumed that I had risen from humble beginnings, but it would seem that my family has made its mark on the world for quite some time.
More information about my ancestors has come to light in the research for the 'Who Do You Think You Are' programme about me.
It would appear that my Great, Great Aunt Lucy visited America in the 1880's and was responsible for two splendid examples of zoomorphic architecture.
Two hotels were constructed by a Mister James V. Lafferty to commemorate her visit to that fair country and the splendid philanthropic work she carried out whilst there.
The first was built in Margate City, New Jersey and named "Lucy The Elephant" She stands 65 feet (19.7 m) high, 60 feet (18.3 m) long, and 18 feet (5.5 m) wide, weighs about 90 tons, and is made of nearly one million pieces of wood.
The second to be built, known as the Elephant Hotel, was built at Coney Island Amusement Park, in Brooklyn, New York. It was 12 stories (122 feet, 37.2 m) tall, with legs 60 feet in circumference. It held a cigar store in one leg and a dioramic display in another, hotel rooms within the elephant proper, and an observation area at the top with panoramic sea views. Sadly, this grand monument to my Great, Great Aunt was destroyed by fire in 1896.
There is little doubt, going from historical record that Lucy once wined and dined President William E. Chandler at this very hotel/
It is most gratifying to know that I was not the first member of our family to be feted by the President of America.
It would appear that, sadly, the Badfort Crowd have got wind of the impending televisual celebration of my past and have been spreading some scurrilous rumours - all of which I assure you are exaggerated.