Monday, 18 July 2011

Badgertown Police Chief Resigns



The repercussions of this dreadful phone hacking business, perpetrated by The Badfort News, continue.

The chief of the Badgertown police has had to resign following the revelations that he enjoyed five week's free accomodation at the Badfort Spa.

"It was hardly luxury - I had to endure mud baths everyday, believe me there is no pleasure in having buckets of mud poured over you by Beaver Hateman !" he claimed.

His words rang hollow to me - there is nothing more I enjoy than a good wallow in a mud bath.



He went on to say "I was not plied with Black Tom, as some have implied. I was pummeled by Jellytussle as he insisted on giving me regular massages. In truth, I believe that they enjoyed torturing a member of his Majesty's police force and I only suffered these five weeks in order to gain valuable information on their anarchist activities. However, I can no longer continue with my duties amidst all these allegations, and I therefore have been forced to resign. I'll take responsibility, but it must be remembered that it is not I that took money for lavish parties !"

The implication is clear. An outrageous slur on my good name!

That is the thanks I get for my philanthropic largesse - it is true that I fund the King of the Badgers Annual Police Ball, but to imply that I do it for any other reason than to salute our boys in blue is scandalous !

Monday, 11 July 2011

Jellytussle hits back !


As you know, Beaver Hateman has made Jellytussle the scapegoat for the phone hacking that went on at the now defunct News of Badfort.

Jellytussle is furious about this and he has hit back with his own allegations against Editor-in-Chief, and investigative reporter, Hitmouse.

Here is how it has been reported in the Homeward Gazette.

Jellytussle accuses the Hitmouse of forcing him to come into work wearing an Uncle outfit and being required to impersonate the tycoon and philanthropist.

"I had to waddle around the office shouting "I'm a fat tyrant - feed me, feed me!" declared Jellytussle. "then they would all throw skewers at me and scream "Down with Unc!, Down with Unc!"

 Hitmouse responded to this allegation "Yes, I asked him to be Unc; yes, he had a costume, it was good for morale - it psyched us up to find the dirt on the great dictator!"

Sunday, 10 July 2011

A bit of a Royal Do


After all theses claims and counter-claims regarding dubious journalistic practices at The Homeward Gazette and The Badfort News, it was a relief to be able to just relax last night and enjoy drinks and canap├ęs in the garden of the Consul General’s residence in Los Angeles.

Dame Barbara  insisted I come - "The Prince demands it - after all, you are his favourite multi-billionaire elephant!"

The only slightly embarrassing moment was when my old friend Stephen Fry enquired on how my biopic was proceeding.

I have always favoured Stephen to play myself - I feel that he has a wit and intelligence so similar to what I have.

However, Hollywood has it's doubts - citing the fact that he is not so well known across the pond.

They prefer Hugh Laurie for the role - apparently he has gained celebrity in the United States playing a maverick doctor with a wooden leg in a Wodehousian medical farce, if I have understood correctly ?

How to break the news to Stephen that the old Etonian and fellow Cambridge alumni has pipped him at the post ?




Friday, 8 July 2011

Beaver and News International


This was the irrefutable proof I have been looking for.

This photo shows the kind of circles that Beaver Hateman moves in - and it is therefore no surprise that the News of Badfort has been forced to close.


Hitmouse claims that Mister Hateman was merely there as a waiter and that he had just given that red haired woman a glass of wine.


However, the following transcript of a mobile phone conversation proves that their relationship went deeper than this:


Woman: Oooh, Beaver I love the feel of your sackcloth on my skin - talk to me about the theory of class struggle, applied by Marx to the question of the state and the socialist revolution - you know how excited it gets me !

Beaver: Alright, Rebekah darling - you really got a thing about the working class horny-handed sons of toil, ain't you?

Woman: Public school boys are such wimps !

In retaliation, Beaver has attempted to implicate me in the whole affair - in a very obvious badly photoshopped picture.

Thursday, 7 July 2011

News of Badfort to close


Beaver Hateman, Chief Executive of Badfort News International, has declared that the Badfort News Sunday sister paper, News of Badfort, is to close.

As I reported, two years ago, he is now admitting that hacking was rife at the organisation.

In a statement he declared "It was all Jellytussle's fault and I knew nuffink about it - nor did my dear friend, its chief editor, Hitmouse. He is also completely innocent and just thought Jellytussle had found the telephone numbers in a bin.

We have stuffed Jellytussle in a tin can until he tells us which of the Badgertown police he bribed and then we will give him a good slapping !

We apologise to everyone about what we did and promise we won't do it again in our new Sunday paper "Badfort News on Sunday" - but we got some brill scandal on Unc wot we found going thru his trash cans !"

Nothing changes.

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

What the Papers Say

My dear friend, poor old, Ed Miliband has been on the phone to me today, wringing his hands over what to do about the scandal enveloping the press in Great Britain. "Should I just ignore all the phone-hacking stories ?" he pleaded  — "the alternative would be ‘three years of hell’ at the hands of the Murdoch press." he added.

This Murdoch is, apparently, some media Baron - or so the Old Monkey informs me. His empire appears to have been dependent on a very ugly culture of lawbreaking, hacking and impunity. His lackay, some strange red-haired woman, kept ringing me up trying to persuade me to come to some bash he has every year in London.

"I am the richest elephant in the world" I told her "why would I want to come to some tedious affair full of a bunch of sycophants !"

"The Prime Minister is coming !" she declared angrily.

"Yes, that's what I mean !" I replied.

"You need to own your own newspaper, like me," I told Ed. "A respectable organ with none of that shameless shenanigans. Newspapers should stick to useful information - like the dates of fete's and bazaars and reportings of important local events. That sort of thing."

"Oh, and when you are being interviewed at least try not to sound like a stuck record ! - It helps to try and appear more like a living being than a robot." I advised him.

Hopefully, people will boycott these disreputable scandal sheets - like The Badfort News they seem to employ a lot of criminal types.

At least I won't be pestered by that strange red-haired woman, when she is incarcerated at her Majesty's pleasure !