Tales From Homeward

Hateman Saves Christmas !

2011-12-25T08:58:00.002Z

We were not looking forward to a very merry Christmas here at Homeward.

Following my contretemps with the European Community they have blockaded Homeward.

We were therefore trying to make the best of Christmas, with my finances depleted and none of the usual imported festive treats.

Beaver had taken advantage of the situation and launched a full scale aerial bombardment with Treacle Bombs (that he stored up after the Great Treacle Tower Flood) in an effort to depose me.

Imagine, my surprise, therefore, when instead of the expected rain of sticky missives from Mister Hateman's plane this morning - many brightly coloured parcels started to rain from the sky !

The folk of Homeward scurried around picking up the various parcels. They were full of all sorts of goodies - puddings, mince pies and other Christmas delicacies.

"Look, Sir, a big parcel with your name on it!" cried the Old Monkey.

Before I had the chance to start unwrapping it, out burst Beaver Hateman !

"Hi Unc, sworn enemies we may be mate, but we always have a truce at Christmas and you always lay on a slap up meal for us - just to show you that the Worker's Revolutionary party can organise just as good a do as a fat billionaire we decided to return the favour !" declared Beaver.

"All stolen, I presume ?" I replied sternly.

"Of course, mate - we nicked it all from the EU food mountains !" cackled Beaver.

"Well done - excellent intiative!" said I, with a smile.

I have to say it was one of the best Christmas Eve parties we have had, here at Homeward, - despite the Badfort Crowd's dubious musical contributions.

The people's flag is deepest red,
It shrouded oft our martyr'd dead
And ere their limbs grew stiff and cold,
Their hearts' blood dyed its ev'ry fold.
Then raise the scarlet standard high,
Within its shade we'll live and die,
Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer,
We'll keep the red flag flying here.

Very Well, Alone

2011-12-18T15:24:00.001Z

You will appreciate that, with the current global situation, I have not had time to avail you with my usual missives from Homeward for some months.

My advice has been in great demand from many world leaders, as they struggle with their economic woes.

Firstly, I was offered a large remuneration by the Greeks to sort out their terrible financial deficits.

All I can say is, beware Greeks bearing gifts. Riots broke out, merely, because I advised them to stop breaking plates if you cannot afford to pay for them!

Then, the Italians wanted me to replace Berlusconi. "We need someone well respected around the world, a smart technocrat, like you !" begged Italy's President.

The word "technocracy" comes from the Greek words "tekhne", meaning skill, and "kratos" meaning power. Technocrats thus literally promise to be "problem solvers" – politicians who make decisions based on their expertise or specialist knowledge of a particular subject, rather than to please a particular interest group or political party.

Being a world-renowned Entrepreneur, I would, of course, have been well suited for the role. Then there was a lot of fuss about the "democratic deficit" involved in appointing a non-Italian of the family Elephantidae. Apparently, many Italians still bare a grudge for my ancestors involvement in Hannibal's attack on Rome. So, I declined the offer.

Homeward, for dimensional, rather than geographic or political, reasons is not part of the European Community.

However, I am always invited to contribute at their summits - as a major player on the world stage.

But at the last summit I was left isolated.

What can I say - Infamy ! they've all got it in for me !

No surprise that the Greeks and Italians were still smarting from my comments - but I was disappointed by the envy shown by Germany over our hard working dwarfs and by the British over the fact that Homeward bankers do as I tell them. Mister Cameron seemed particularly jealous of this fact.

The French, of course, have always hated the fact that Chateau Homeward is the finest wine in the world.

Then they all turned on me and demanded that I reduce the cost of the Helium 3 from my Moonbase mine !

When I told them that I would do no such thing, they decided that they would blockade Homeward and stop all imports of my goods !

Over the last month times have become very hard - my treasury is much depleted. Of course, Beaver Hateman has taken advantage of the situation and demands that the EU should be assuaged by my exile and the declaration of a Worker's Republic !

He has launched a full scale aerial bombardment with Treacle Bombs that he stored up after the Great Treacle Tower Flood.

The EU has refused to offer aid, unless I exceed to their demands.

Very well, alone !

My Marathon Swim Completed !

2011-09-12T21:47:00.001+01:00

I gathered my strength this morning for the final day of my epic 140-mile swim around the Moat of Homeward.

The Old Monkey has hailed me as "Homeward's sweetheart".

Hundreds ofThousands of cheering fans greeted me last night as I made it to the Drawbridge after a 21-mile stint - my longest day so far.

To date, my extraordinary efforts have raised more than £90 5s 6d for charity.

Despite the Badfort Crowd's best efforts to sabotage my endeavours, by letting loose rats in the moat, I have persevered against all odds. Why, I even managed to save a crookball person who fell from Lonely Tower into the moat !

I did get a bit of a dodgy tummy during the swim - so I put myself on a strict diet of only one bunch of banana's and one bucket of cocoa a day during my feat of endurance !

Interview with the King of Edinburgh

2011-08-20T13:43:00.004+01:00

Mister Richard Herring asked me if I would be willing to be interviewed for his Edinburgh Fringe Podcasts, or RHEFP's as they have become known.

As you know, I do not normally do interviews. I am not one for blowing my own trunk - although I am somewhat classified as a 'celebrity' I prefer to remain as much out of the harsh glare of the limelight as possible. Accept, of course, at times when I must appear at public events such as the World Summit's.

Also, I must say that Mister Herring and I have had some disagreement on Twitter regarding the best uses for the internet. In my opinion it is not the place for 'comedy' but should be used to disseminate public information and advice on good citizenship.

However, The Old Monkey informed me that Mister Herring had recently acceded the throne of Edinburgh.

"No doubt, Sir, he has heard of the sage advice that you offer the King of the Badgers." he advised.

"Hmmm, well I am always willing to offer counsel to royalty - as long as he does not try and tap me for a loan like the King of the Badgers !" I chuckled.

As you see from this transcript, I feel that the interview was a shameless farrago and I was involved under entirely false pretences.

RH: My next guest is the world renowned elephant and tycoon, Uncle!

Uncle: Thank you, your majesty - I am happy to offer any advice I can on how to conduct your global affairs.

RH: I've got a girlfriend you know.

Uncle: Really ? of course, I meant affairs of a political nature.

RH: It is true to say that you are a large figure on the global stage.

Uncle: Yes, I am well regarded...

RH: A giant figure...

Uncle: Yes, my advice is much sort after by...

Beaver Hateman: Fat ! thats, what you mean Rick me old mate ! a fat dictator !

RH: Ladies and Gentlemen, my other guest today - the popular anarchist Beaver Hateman !

Uncle: I was given assurances that this vile creature would not be present !

Beaver Hateman: Go on ask him about the bike...go on...

RH: Ah yes, now, is it not true that you once stole a bicycle?

Uncle: I made it clear that I would not be answering questions on that particular incident invloving the borrowing of said conveyance in my youth...

Beaver Hateman: He stole a bicycle....He stole a bicycle...

Uncle: Listen, Hateman - I am only here to give guidance to Mister Herring, I'm sorry, his Majesty, on how he should conduct himself as the King of Edinburgh...

RH: What would you advise for my first action then ?

Uncle: I have noticed that there is far too much alcohol being consumed at this 'festival', leading to much out of control behaviour. My advice would be for you to immediately close some of the more disreputable alcohol outlets....

Beaver Hateman: Oh, here we go...

Uncle:...such as the stall I noticed selling that lethal intoxicant known as 'Black Tom' - run I gathered by members of the Badfort Crowd.

RH: The Badfort Crowd - the anarcho syndicalist group organised by Mister Hateman?

Beaver Hateman: Yeah! - as usual the boasting capitalist of Homeward is trying to put the kibosh on other peoples fun !

Uncle: I find that government leaders tend to heed my warnings...

Beaver Hateman: What ?, you mean like the King of the Badgers ? - bunging him dosh to keep him in your pocket?

Uncle: Occasionally, the King of the Badgers finds himself short of funds and asks me for loan - but that does not mean that I expect any favours in return.

Beaver Hateman: Not much, you old tyrant ! - go on Rick ask him for some money...go on...

RH: Well, what would I have to do for it ?

Uncle: Well, something you could do that would really inspire the population, I have found, is if you were to show yourself to the people. It is important for a Monarch to make his presence felt in difficult times. I would suggest that you display yourself in a large perspex box - perhaps wearing placards with inspiring messages? Such as "Pay your rent on time, be an upstanding citizen, and you will always have a friend in the King of Edinburgh"

Beaver Hateman: Do you really think that Rick would debase himself in that way just for a hand out from you!

RH: How much, exactly, would I get ?

The interview carried on in a similar rancorous manner until finally I had no choice but to give both Hateman and The King of Edinburgh a good kicking up.

I had some fear that I might be arrested for treason - but the Old Monkey now informs me that Mister Herring is not a proper King at all.

Aggressive Late Night Shopping

2011-08-13T17:33:00.002+01:00

I have had to cut short my holiday in Sunset Cove in order to deal with the outrageous behavior of the Badfort Crowd.

For what he claims are economic and sociological justifiable reasons, he and his gang of criminals have gone on a looting spree.

"We are robbin' the rich to give to the poor - and there is no one poorer than us!" he declared.

This is clearly not the case, however, as they have targeted high value consumer electronic items rather than the basic necessities of life.

Indeed, they totally ignored Cheapman's store -why steal a motorbike from his emporium when he sells them for only 6d ?

No - Hateman and his cronies rampaged through Dearman's store.

Duncan Dearman has a little shop in a side street opposite Cheapman's huge store. All his goods are frightfully dear.

The Badfort Crowd got away with a number of the latest valve technology televisions - priced at £4,567 3s 6d, an alarm clock with broken bell - priced at £98 6s 9d, and a number of the very latest tablet computers. They struggled with these, because Dearman's models are the size of a paving stone.

Poor old Duncan came to see me in a very distressed state. "My business is ruined !" he cried - how can I possibly replace all this valuable stock?"

Whilst the Old Monkey tried to comfort him, I nipped out to Shankell's Junk Shop.

"I'll take the lot - everything in the store!" I declared.

"Everything!" shouted Shankell with glee. "I'm afraid that will cost you a £100, Sir - it's the best I can do!"

"Money is no object - in these difficult times we must all rally round - have it all delivered to Dearman's store, at once!" I replied.

Dearman was over the moon. "I cannot believe your generosity, Sir. You have completely restocked my shop. These items must have a retail value of a million pounds at least ! - I shall start pricing them up immediately!"

Of course, Dearman has very little business at the prices he charges - but it is his lifes work.

"I do not no how to express my gratitude enough, Sir!" he cried.

"It is enough to see your shop open for business, again!" I demurred.

Meanwhile, Beaver Hateman is furious. "I can't give this tat away!" he fumed as he tried to sell his ill-gotten gains to customers going into Cheapman's.

His anger has spilled over into making outrageous and libelous claims about me !

Badgertown Police Chief Resigns

2011-07-18T11:51:00.001+01:00

The repercussions of this dreadful phone hacking business, perpetrated by The Badfort News, continue.

The chief of the Badgertown police has had to resign following the revelations that he enjoyed five week's free accomodation at the Badfort Spa.

"It was hardly luxury - I had to endure mud baths everyday, believe me there is no pleasure in having buckets of mud poured over you by Beaver Hateman !" he claimed.

His words rang hollow to me - there is nothing more I enjoy than a good wallow in a mud bath.

He went on to say "I was not plied with Black Tom, as some have implied. I was pummeled by Jellytussle as he insisted on giving me regular massages. In truth, I believe that they enjoyed torturing a member of his Majesty's police force and I only suffered these five weeks in order to gain valuable information on their anarchist activities. However, I can no longer continue with my duties amidst all these allegations, and I therefore have been forced to resign. I'll take responsibility, but it must be remembered that it is not I that took money for lavish parties !"

The implication is clear. An outrageous slur on my good name!

That is the thanks I get for my philanthropic largesse - it is true that I fund the King of the Badgers Annual Police Ball, but to imply that I do it for any other reason than to salute our boys in blue is scandalous !

Jellytussle hits back !

2011-07-11T10:41:00.001+01:00

As you know, Beaver Hateman has made Jellytussle the scapegoat for the phone hacking that went on at the now defunct News of Badfort.

Jellytussle is furious about this and he has hit back with his own allegations against Editor-in-Chief, and investigative reporter, Hitmouse.

Here is how it has been reported in the Homeward Gazette.

Jellytussle accuses the Hitmouse of forcing him to come into work wearing an Uncle outfit and being required to impersonate the tycoon and philanthropist.

"I had to waddle around the office shouting "I'm a fat tyrant - feed me, feed me!" declared Jellytussle. "then they would all throw skewers at me and scream "Down with Unc!, Down with Unc!"

Hitmouse responded to this allegation "Yes, I asked him to be Unc; yes, he had a costume, it was good for morale - it psyched us up to find the dirt on the great dictator!"

A bit of a Royal Do

2011-07-10T10:57:00.003+01:00

After all theses claims and counter-claims regarding dubious journalistic practices at The Homeward Gazette and The Badfort News, it was a relief to be able to just relax last night and enjoy drinks and canapés in the garden of the Consul General’s residence in Los Angeles.

Dame Barbara insisted I come - "The Prince demands it - after all, you are his favourite multi-billionaire elephant!"

The only slightly embarrassing moment was when my old friend Stephen Fry enquired on how my biopic was proceeding.

I have always favoured Stephen to play myself - I feel that he has a wit and intelligence so similar to what I have.

However, Hollywood has it's doubts - citing the fact that he is not so well known across the pond.

They prefer Hugh Laurie for the role - apparently he has gained celebrity in the United States playing a maverick doctor with a wooden leg in a Wodehousian medical farce, if I have understood correctly ?

How to break the news to Stephen that the old Etonian and fellow Cambridge alumni has pipped him at the post ?

Beaver and News International

2011-07-08T21:58:00.003+01:00

This was the irrefutable proof I have been looking for.

This photo shows the kind of circles that Beaver Hateman moves in - and it is therefore no surprise that the News of Badfort has been forced to close.

Hitmouse claims that Mister Hateman was merely there as a waiter and that he had just given that red haired woman a glass of wine.

However, the following transcript of a mobile phone conversation proves that their relationship went deeper than this:

Woman: Oooh, Beaver I love the feel of your sackcloth on my skin - talk to me about the theory of class struggle, applied by Marx to the question of the state and the socialist revolution - you know how excited it gets me !

Beaver: Alright, Rebekah darling - you really got a thing about the working class horny-handed sons of toil, ain't you?

Woman: Public school boys are such wimps !

In retaliation, Beaver has attempted to implicate me in the whole affair - in a very obvious badly photoshopped picture.

News of Badfort to close

2011-07-07T19:57:00.000+01:00

Beaver Hateman, Chief Executive of Badfort News International, has declared that the Badfort News Sunday sister paper, News of Badfort, is to close.

As I reported, two years ago, he is now admitting that hacking was rife at the organisation.

In a statement he declared "It was all Jellytussle's fault and I knew nuffink about it - nor did my dear friend, its chief editor, Hitmouse. He is also completely innocent and just thought Jellytussle had found the telephone numbers in a bin.

We have stuffed Jellytussle in a tin can until he tells us which of the Badgertown police he bribed and then we will give him a good slapping !

We apologise to everyone about what we did and promise we won't do it again in our new Sunday paper "Badfort News on Sunday" - but we got some brill scandal on Unc wot we found going thru his trash cans !"

Nothing changes.

What the Papers Say

2011-07-06T21:27:00.000+01:00

My dear friend, poor old, Ed Miliband has been on the phone to me today, wringing his hands over what to do about the scandal enveloping the press in Great Britain. "Should I just ignore all the phone-hacking stories ?" he pleaded — "the alternative would be ‘three years of hell’ at the hands of the Murdoch press." he added.

This Murdoch is, apparently, some media Baron - or so the Old Monkey informs me. His empire appears to have been dependent on a very ugly culture of lawbreaking, hacking and impunity. His lackay, some strange red-haired woman, kept ringing me up trying to persuade me to come to some bash he has every year in London.

"I am the richest elephant in the world" I told her "why would I want to come to some tedious affair full of a bunch of sycophants !"

"The Prime Minister is coming !" she declared angrily.

"Yes, that's what I mean !" I replied.

"You need to own your own newspaper, like me," I told Ed. "A respectable organ with none of that shameless shenanigans. Newspapers should stick to useful information - like the dates of fete's and bazaars and reportings of important local events. That sort of thing."

"Oh, and when you are being interviewed at least try not to sound like a stuck record ! - It helps to try and appear more like a living being than a robot." I advised him.

Hopefully, people will boycott these disreputable scandal sheets - like The Badfort News they seem to employ a lot of criminal types.

At least I won't be pestered by that strange red-haired woman, when she is incarcerated at her Majesty's pleasure !

My blog on the planned pension strikes

2011-06-30T10:48:00.003+01:00

Strikes are a sign of failure.

They are a sign of failure on both sides and today’s industrial action is a mistake.

Even with just hours to go I would urge both Doctor Lyre and the students of his Select School for Young Gentlemen to think again.

I will always support parents trying to get their children to school, the mother and father who know the value of a day’s education, and the value of being a good upstanding citizen who pays their rent on time.

On behalf of all the dwarfs of Homeward I urge Doctor Lyre and the students to get back around the common room table and sort this out.

I understand why students are so angry with Doctor Lyre. His teaching methods are unorthodox and his set textbook 'History of Lion Tower' is a load of inaccurate, boring rubbish.

But I urge them to think about whether causing disruption in the classroom will help people understand their arguments.

You do not win public backing for an argument about pensions by inconveniencing your parents.

This is not to excuse Doctor Lyre from taking his share of the blame for these pupil strikes.

He has badly mishandled the whole process.

Telling them that it was necessary to confiscate their pocket money, because they needed to start saving for their pensions right now, was reckless and provocative.

The public deserve better. All sides need to get round the table and back to negotiations.

Cristina Odone - get your facts right, please

2011-06-28T10:15:00.003+01:00

One has to accept that when one is a world renowned business leader, political figure and all round celebrity, such as myself, that it is inevitable that one's name will crop up frequently in the media.

However, I do wish journalists would get their facts right.

In an article in yesterday's The Telegraph (The Old Monkey informs me that it is a British newspaper) Ms Cristina Odone wrote:

If the worst came to the worst, and her teachers suddenly joined the three-quarters of a million strikers on Thursday, I can entertain my daughter with her favourite “Uncle” books. Or rather, with the early volumes from that quirky Sixties series. The three later books are only available second hand, and are going for more than £1,000. One reason, according to devotees (and J P Martin’s works featuring a fabulously wealthy elephant and his loathsome foe Beaver Hateman command a cult following), is that publisher Jonathan Cape finds the series “classist”. Uncle is unashamed about his wicked wealth, and that, apparently, makes for uncomfortable reading in our egalitarian times. In the week that J K Rowling rewrote the rules of book publishing with her new website for fans, Pottermore, why is the rest of the publishing industry so slothful? Surely some bright spark can bring out replica editions – preferably before the teachers go on strike again.

Once again, undue credit is given to J.P. Martin. He was a lovely man - but he was merely the biographer of my life story. Also, I strongly object to the phrase 'wicked wealth' !

Given, that the many dwarfs of my towers only pay a farthing a week in rent, I hardly think that that my earnings can be described as 'wickedly' acquired. The phrase conjures up images of some Rachmanian slum landlord!

She makes no mention of the great burden that running the vast domain of Homeward places on my shoulders. A burden I happily carry for the greater good. Remember, be an upstanding citizen, pay your rent on time and you will always have a friend in Uncle.

She makes no mention of my great philanthropic works - The Dwarf's Drinking Fountains, to name but one!

She has clearly made no effort to properly research her subject. She holds up the obscure British author J.K.Rowling, and her use of modern technologies, such as the interweb, as an example of how I should be promoting myself !

As my loyal followers will know, I have had a website for many years and one can always read my thoughts and adventures here on this blog!

Here, there is also a School strike this week. The pupils of Doctor Lyre's Select School for Young Gentlemen are all going on strike - they are fed up with all the inaccuracies in Dr Lyre's History of Lion Tower. A singularly tediously boring book.

Let’s Kill Unc

2011-06-10T09:58:00.003+01:00

Last night I went through the strange vortex in the Lost Clinkers Cooling Tower.

I know, after the last incident, that I had promised never to repeat the trip – but I have found myself drawn to it, once again.

Descending in my helicopter, my faithful companion,The Old Monkey and I entered another alternate timestream.

Everything was, again, changed beyond recognition. Time seems to have got itself into a right old mess.

It appears, Beaver Hateman blew me up with a giant duck bomb.

“Sorry mate – had to do it, it were the only way I could to get everything back right in the time continuum – wiv me in charge!” he declared.

Even my vast domain of Homeward was no more – it had turned into a cantankerous old lady who was now demanding rent from me for all the time I had lived in her!

The biggest shock of all was to discover that I was, in fact, married!

I know – as if!

The Old Monkey was furious!

To add insult to injury my wife is not an elephant but a monkey – not even the same species!

The Old Monkey got an even greater shock when he discovered he had a wife and she said my wife was their daughter. Poor thing fainted!

My wife is very tiresome and common – she keeps calling me “Sweetie”!

Even the Old Monkey would not dare to be so familiar – he always calls me “Sir”

Her name is Riverdance, and she is famous for her traditional Irish stepdancing. Tappity tap tap all the bloomin’ day ! What a racket!

I discovered her real name is Stomp Ditch (her mother’s maiden name – says it all really), and she claims she changed her name because they don’t have ditches in the Jungle - but I think she just wanted a more glamorous stage name.

Apparently, I am not well liked in this alternate timestream.

Riverdance says I am a rather pompous Doctor and nobody can read my appalling handwriting.

She says that when she was a baby she was stolen into another timestream by somebody with an eyepatch.

“What pirates, you mean?” I asked irritably.

“No, sweetie – don’t be stupid, they are on our side!” she shouted.

“You have to go and rescue me!” she added.

“But you are here!” I screamed. I was getting quite annoyed now.

“Stupid! You have to go to then so I can be here now!” she screamed back.

I can see that we, clearly, have quite a rocky marriage – I think I might see if I can divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty.

“Yes, that’s why we had to blow you up! Well, that and the fact that you are a fat dictator!” chipped in Beaver – which really only confused me further.

“Yes, we’ve not met, yet.” chimed in Riverdance.

“Yes we have – just now!” I blustered.

“No, stupid! I mean when I was young!” she retorted.

“You mean, I watched you grow up, saw what you became, and still married you?” I exploded.

She gave me a very nasty look.

So, in the end we agreed to go back into the time vortex and try and sort it all out.

“I have made a list of all the things we have to do, Sir.” said the Old Monkey “But, all this timey-wimey stuff is rather confusing, isn't it, Sir?”

“Shall we just go off and have some adventures, instead?” I replied.

“I think that would be a very good idea, Sir” he responded.

Then I woke up. I could hear the Old Monkey running my morning shower.

Thank goodness – all is right with the world.

I thought I must have also dreamt about Beaver Hateman having tea with Sarah Palin – but, of course, that really happened.

I have been a bit naughty

2011-06-09T09:31:00.000+01:00

As you know, that pushy Sarah Palin woman tried to invite herself around for tea at Homeward.

I told her, in no uncertain terms, that she would not be welcome. I am not some political trophy - I know that she just wants to shoot me, so she can have a another photo of a world leader on her wall - as if I was endorsing the rather strange lady.

I could not resist it.

I got Cowgill to hack into Beaver's Twitter account and send an invitation to Sarah Palin for tea at Badfort!

The ruse seems to have worked!

Who is Sarah Palin?

2011-06-08T18:16:00.000+01:00

Had a letter this morning from some strange woman who wants to invite herself around for a Tea Party!

She says "I am going to Sudan in July and hope to stop at Homeward on the way. I would be happy to pop in for tea, I admire you so much!"

"Who is this Sarah Palin woman?" I asked the Old Monkey.

"Sarah Palin is nuts. Trundling around the world in a bus, apparently, trying to cadge freebie meals with the great and good." he replied "It would be belittling for you to meet her, Sir. I suspect that she has only asked because she has been rejected by Margaret Thatcher!"

Well, Palin will have to make do with meeting Beaver Hateman instead - should be rather amusing!

The Revolution Will Be Televised...but not Twittered

2011-05-28T15:27:00.002+01:00

It has come to my notice that Beaver Hateman intends to start the revolution tomorrow, outside Badgertown Town Hall, at 4.00 p.m.

Contrary to the claims on Beaver's blog I shall allow it to be broadcast on Homeward TV - on HBC 2.
Everyone will be watching the final of Homeward's Got Talent on HBC 1 anyway - who would want to watch a lot of political nonsense when the dancing dog is on the other side?

Of course, modern technology is totally out of control, I cannot allow Beaver to use Twitter to incite the populace to violence.

Luckily, Cowgill has found a way to hack into Beaver's account and has developed a sofware that replaces inflammatory words with more innocuous ones:

This is Beaver's original Twit:

and this is how it is seen by the citizens of Badgertown:

A nice cup of tea should calm things down a bit.

Who shot cock twitter?

2011-05-23T10:27:00.000+01:00

There us a great deal of controversy, raging in Homeward, over an incident that has taken place over the weekend.

It would appear that whilst Beaver Hateman and a professional footballer (who I cannot name due to a superinjunction) were taking a walk in Monkey and Engine Room Wood they became enraged at the irritating behaviour of the Twitter bird.

They are well known for their ability to mimic human speech and spread gossip amongst the denizens of the Twittersphere. It would seem that they taunted the pair with cries of "Who's been a naughty boy then?"

It is alleged that the footballer took a pot shot at the flock and seriously injured Cock Twitter.

This has caused outrage, as the Twitter is a protected species. A spokeman for the Royal Society for the Preservation of Social Networking Birds stated that "This is a heinous crime - without the Twitter bird how would we know when The King of the Badgers is having his tea?"

Dead Scob Fish unrelated to Rapture

2011-05-20T11:29:00.000+01:00

A lot of the dwarfs in Homeward are in a right old panic.

Thousands of dead Scob Fish have been raining down from the skies.

They are convinced that they are the first signs of The Rapture - the end of the world!

Luckily it turned out merely to be the Badfort Crowd indulging in their usual dubious activities - in this case, the highly illegal practice of Blast or Dynamite fishing.

Scob fish are much prized as this small savage fish provides oil for the Badfort Crowd's lamps. Some of them even like to eat the awful things washed down with a swig of Black Tom!

Badgertown unites in face of Honey Badger attack!

2011-05-18T17:14:00.001+01:00

The inhabitants of Badgertown have put aside their differences to unite in face of a common enemy.

A fierce band of Honey badgers sought to take advantage of Badgertown's weakness - brought about by the squabbles over the referendum result.

Honey badgers are a piratical bunch of brigands who prey on beleaguered communities - taking them over, asset stripping them and then setting up banks and companies offering financial services.

They are notoriously fearless and tough animals, having been known to savagely attack their enemies. They are tireless in combat and can wear out much larger animals in physical confrontations.

They have short and sturdy legs. The eyes are small, and the ears are little more than ridges on the skin, another possible adaptation to avoiding damage while fighting. A large white band covers their upper bodies, beginning from the top of their heads down to the base of their tails.

They are skilled diggers, being able to dig tunnels into hard ground in 10 minutes. This is believed to be the reason they were so easily able to spring up all around Badgertown.

The battle cry the honey badger is a hoarse "khrya-ya-ya-ya" sound, and their cries could be heard all over the municipality - as they infiltrated the King of the Badgers Palace and the Town Hall!

I must give credit to Beaver Hateman, for a change, he successfully convinced the townspeople to put aside their differences in the face of the onslaught.

None fought more fiercely than the Badfort Crowd themselves. The King of the Badgers managed to escape and raise the alarm - and I was soon able to muster a group of my followers to go to the defence of Badgertown.

I was just administering a good kicking up to the disreputable leader of the Honey badgers and as he threw a duck bomb at the retreating bandits Beaver cried out to me "Got hear in the end did you Unc!, after we done all the hard fighting, I see !"

Ungrateful retrobate!

At least some good has come out of this vicious assault - the citizens of Badgertown have agreed to take down the walls they erected, to divide the town, and decided to try and settle their differences amicably.

Homevision Song Contest fails to bring down walls

2011-05-16T12:11:00.000+01:00

I had hoped that The Homevision Song Contest would bring together the strife torn inhabitants of Badgertown.

As you know, following the referendum debacle, the various factions have split the town apart by building walls around their sectors.

So, instead of the usual single entry from Badgertown we had three songs - one from the central district (still called Badgertown and ruled over by the King of the Badgers), one from Progressville and one from Anarchadia (the enclave run by the Badfort Crowd).

All seemed to be going swimmingly, with the various groups applauding each other's songs.

Then Beaver and his cronies got everyone riled up with an awful punk dirge - a vicious attack on the King of the Badgers!

Boom bang-a-bang-bang
Blow up the Palace
Boom bang-a-bang-bang
Down with hereditary monarchy
Boom bang-a-bang-bang
Throw off the yoke of Badger oppression!

This, of course, received a resounding null points from everyone - except the Badfort contingent.

The winner was a beautifully melodic song, submitted by a very beautiful Crookball lady representing Lonely Tower.

Congratulations and celebrations
It is so wonderful to have Uncle as our friend
La lalala lalala lalala...La lalala lalala la...

Who would believe that we could be so happy and contented?
With such a generous landlord and philanthropist!
La lalala lalala lalala...La lalala lalala la...

We were afraid that maybe he thought he was above us
But he cares for all his tenants, however lowly!
La lalala lalala lalala...La lalala lalala la...

Congratulations and jubilations
We want the world to know we're happy as can be!
La lalala lalala lalala...La lalala lalala la...

What lovely sentiments - I blush at their kindness.

Referendum Fallout

2011-05-07T12:35:00.003+01:00

As you know, the referendum on a new voting system for the Badgertown Town Council has resulted in a resounding No vote for change.

However the 30% who voted for change, particularly amongst the intelligentsia of Dwarfden, Porkington and Badgerbridge, are furious and have decided to declare independence from Badgertown. They have built a wall around 30% of Badgertown and renamed the area Progressville !

The other 70% have built a wall around the centre of Badgertown.

However, worse was to come. Beaver Hateman insisted that, as 60% of the population had not voted at all, the referendum proved that the majority of the citizens wanted anarchy. He argued that it showed that the Badfort Party had a clear mandate to take power and has set up an independent state within Badgertown called Anarchadia !.

It has to be said that he has won a lot of people over, declaring that they do not need to choose between pubs or cafes and can have both! A generous offer considering that the Badfort Crowd only ever drink Black Tom.

The Badfort Crowd have been busy building barricades around the remaining areas of Badgertown - leaving the King of the Badgers, surrounded by walls, in an enclave in the centre.

Beaver Hateman has blocked rail and road access, so, in what has become known as the Badgertown Airlift, I am using my helicopter to bring in supplies for the beleaguered citizens.

Dave "the biscuit" Macaroon, Mayor of Badgertown, is telling everyonme to calm down.

Nick 'Cream' Custard, the Mayoress, is hiding in a cupboard. The King of the Badgers is furious with him - after all this referendum idea was all his. I warned the King that it would just open up a can of worms!

No Vote in Referendum

2011-05-06T15:19:00.005+01:00

As you know, the Badgertown Town Council Election, last year, resulted in a hung Council.

Dave "the biscuit" Macaroon became Mayor and Nick 'Cream' Custard became Mayoress. This meant that he had to wear a dress, and although he was not happy about this - he agreed to do it for the sake of stable government.

As part of the coalition agreement, Dave agreed to have a vote on voting reform.

The campaign has been quite acrimonious, to say the least!

All was going quite well for the Yes campaign until Dan Snowy-Badger (the only albino badger in Badgertown!) decided to make a video explaining how the AV system would work.

It was all about choosing whether to go to the pub or a cafe - but this, of course, incensed the badgers of Badgertown - who are quite conservative and all teetotal!

Extraordinarily, however, it did manage to win over quite a few of the Badfort Crowd who were going to vote No to reform. They like nothing more than a pint of Black Tom down the pub!

However, things got very confused when the badgers thought that it would mean that the Badfort Crowd would be able to vote to all go round to a badger's set for a Knees Up!

We all know that badgers have strong views on their sets. A badger's set is his refuge - hence the dictum "A Badgertown badger's set is his bunker"

Not surprisingly, many of the dwarfs have been confused by the idea. As one remarked "I like Dan Snowy-Badger. He comes across as wise but still the kind of chap you’d go for a pint with but it promotes drinking beer and I need to lose weight. I can’t drink beer - could I still order a white wine spritzer under AV?"

This has resulted in a resounding No vote in the AV referendum.

Well, I say resounding - 70% voted No and 30% voted Yes, but, 60% did not vote at all because they were all inebriated from spending the afternoon down the pub, and said that they had really intended to vote for going to a nightclub but had got to befuddled to count how many others wanted to go!

They all ended up in the Cafe, anyway, having a strong black coffee to sober themselves up!

Royal Wedding Triumph!

2011-05-04T15:12:00.000+01:00

I know that you are all desperate to hear news of how the Royal Wedding fiasco ended.

As you know, Beaver Hateman ran off with the bride before vows could be exchanged.

This prompted a constitutional crisis - Beaver Hateman declared himself the new King of the Badgers and exhorted, from the balcony of the Town Hall, all badgers to follow him and their favourite Princess.

"O.K. but first you have to prove you love each other!" declared one young badger.

"Yeah. Kiss her! Kiss her!" chanted the crowd.

As the Princess looked adoringly into Beaver's eyes it looked as if all was lost.

The game would have been up - if it were not for the Old Monkey's eagle eyes.

"I spotted Hitmouse spiking the Princess's drink prior to the ceremony, Sir." he informed me.

"He poured in a vial of Gleamhound's Hate Potion!"

Gleamhound's medicines are all very good, but they act the wrong way. For instance, his headache Mixture gives you a frightful headache, his Jumbo Bunion Destroyer is well calculated to rouse bunions on a perfectly healthy foot. His Jacob's Eye Salve can put your eyes out for weeks, whereas his Punishment Eyesight Irritant (for enemies) will often cure people who have had to wear glasses for years.

"I have taken the precaution of advising the Prince to put some of Gleamhound's Love Potion into her champagne glass on the balcony - it should be beginning to take effect about now." added the Old Monkey.

At that moment, to the delight of the crowd, Beaver leaned in to kiss the Princess - but, as if awakening from a dream, she slapped his face and shouted "Get off me you horrible little oik! Ugh! you smell disgusting - and how dare you wear that awful sackcloth outfit on my wedding day? Where is my Prince?"

At this point the Prince stepped out onto the balcony and, to rousing cheers from the crowd, took her in his arms and kissed her.

"Oh, my hero!" sighed the Princess.

Thus, this lingering kiss on the balcony averted a constitutional revolution and saved Badgertown from having an anarchist commoner (not even a badger!) King!

Ten of the best: castles

2011-05-03T14:46:00.002+01:00

Of course, I appreciate that you are all keen to hear what happened after the Royal Wedding fiasco. However, this must wait as far more important news has come in.

Homeward has been listed as the best castle in the Top Ten castles of the world!

Mister John Mullan has compiled the list for The Guardian newspaper of Great Britain.

Due to an error, on the part of some editor I imagine, the list has been printed back to front - with Homeward at the bottom!

Even more bizarrely - most of the castles appear to be fictitious!

I have therefore composed my own list which I believe more accurately displays the virtues of the great castles of the world.

Homeward

Homeward is hard to describe, but try to think of about a hundred skyscrapers all joined together and surrounded by a moat with a drawbridge over it, and you'll get some idea. The towers are of many colours, and there are bathing pools and gardens amongst them, also switchback railways running from tower to tower, and water-chutes from top to bottom. It is, of course, the largest (and most glorious) castle in the world - larger than Manhattan!

So legendary is Homeward that it has been immortalised in song many times:

Forget Manhattan, I'll take Homeward, the Moat,
and Lonely Tower too, it's lovely going through the zoo

It's very fancy on old Uncle Street, you know.

The switchback charms us so, when balmy breezes blow to and fro.

And tell me what tower compares with Lion Tower in July.

All other castles are much smaller and of little architectural interest.

Neuschwanstein Castle

Royal palace in the Bavarian Alps of Germany, the most famous of three royal palaces built for Louis II of Bavaria, sometimes referred to as Mad King Ludwig, who grew up nearby at Hohenschwangau Castle. I'm not surprised he was mad - looks like something out of a Disney movie!

Palace of Versailles

Let them eat cake indeed! - it looks like a cheap wedding cake! Not even a proper castle!

Chateau de Chamonceau

Again - not even a proper castle. It was built on the site of an old mill on the River Cher and is really nothing more than a glorified mill!

Chateau du Chambord

Alright, if you like that sort of thing - I suppose.

Linderhof Palace

A lot of schloss if you ask me!

Tower of London

Who would want to live there ! It's more like a prison!

Leeds Castle

Tiny, and the maze is rubbish!

Nymphenburg

Not my cup of tea - barely bigger than the Great Hall of Homeward.

Mont Saint Michel

Cut off by the sea half the time - and having to listen to those monks chanting all the time - what a bore!

Royal Wedding Disaster!

2011-04-29T13:22:00.003+01:00

The Royal Wedding between Prince Bill Royal-Badger and Katie Middleclass-Badger has gone pear-shaped!

To make matters worse, the whole fiasco has been transmitted live to billions, around the world!

This is a transcript of the event, as broadcast by the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation, with commentary by the newsreader Huge Eddie.

Bishop Badger: If there is anyone present, who knows of any just cause why this couple may not be lawfully joined in marriage, make it now known or forever after keep your peace.

Huge Eddie: There seems to be some kerfuffle going on at the back of the Church? I can see an ugly looking man in sackcloth shouting...I think it is Beaver Hateman?...

Beaver Hateman: Katie...Katie...Katie...

King of the Badgers: Who is that? What's he doing?

Uncle: I'll take care of him

Old Monkey: He's too late

Huge Eddie: This is astonishing...I can see Uncle running down the aisle! I think that he is going to kick Beaver up!

Katie: (screaming) Beaver!

Huge Eddie: Beaver has dodged around Uncle...he has grabbed Katie's hand and is pulling her toward the doors! The Bishop is trying to stop him!

Beaver Hateman: Out of my way!

Huge Eddie: Beaver has hit him over the head with a jar of Black Tom! Uncle has grabbed hold of Katie's wrist!

Uncle: Katie - it's too late.

Katie: Not for me. I have always been a secret anarchist!

Huge Eddie: Katie has pulled away from Uncle and jumped on a wooden-legged donkey with Beaver! They are escaping down the mall!
No wonder the King of the Badgers wanted to hush up the information I had discovered of an affair between Beaver Hateman and a student at St.Andrews!

It was not to spare the blushes of the Queen of England, but his own!

Katie Middleclass Badger attended St.Andrews in 2001.

Despite the fact that Kate Middleton is a human and Katie Middleclass is a badger, one can see, with the similarities of surname, how the confusion arose.

It is bedlam now, here at Badgertown. The many street parties have descended into riots, with Prince Bill factions fighting Princess Katie supporters.

I knew Beaver Hateman was up to something! He has achieved his aim, as Badgertown descends into anarchy!

Superinjunctions and Wedding Gaffe

2011-04-27T11:31:00.000+01:00

I was intending to write today of some scandalous news I have recieved from a contact in the United Kingdom. It concerns a well known anarchist leader from Badfort and his relationship with a young lady student whilst he was engaged in 'teaching' political studies at St.Andrews University (in Scotland) during 2001.

Unfortunately, the King of the Badgers has issued a super injunction preventing me from disclosing any further details.

"One is in enough trouble with the Queen of England as it is!" he shouted at me. "I put you in charge of sorting out my son's wedding shindig, and you go and schedule it on the same day as Lizzie's bash!"

I was furious! After all, he conned me into paying for the jamboree! How was I to know that some minor European royal would choose to have their wedding on the same day!

Apparently, The Queen of England is furious about the fact that, due to my superior wedding planning skills, her grandson's wedding 'do' has been completely overshadowed by the Badger Royal Wedding.

It is true, billions are expected to watch the two badgers tie the knot on TV around the world.

The Badgertown Broadcasting Corpration have really gone to town with their coverage, as can be seen by clicking on their website, above.

The Americans love anything to do with royalty and were intending to make a big deal over William and Kate's marriage - but with the yanks, nothing trumps Royal Badgers.

I fear that The Queen will not be keen to hear further bad news, especially from myself. But, the United Kingdom faces the greatest threat to political stability that it has ever known. How can I not warn them of the anarchist cuckoo in in the Constitutional Monarch's nest?

Royal Wedding - badgers led by donkeys?

2011-04-21T11:58:00.002+01:00

As you know, The King of the Badgers begged me to organise this Royal wedding shindig.

It has proven to be a diplomatic and political minefield.

Everyone, of course, had assumed that the bride and bridegroom's carriage would be drawn by the Respectable Horses.

There are four Respectable Horses, Mayhave Crunch and his three sisters Anna, Anne and Annette.

They always look so neat and tidy, and it's wonderful to see how smooth and black their coats are. Near the throat they have a patch of white almost like a clergyman's collar, and they always have well-brushed hooves. The Respectable Horses are never driven. They just put themselves between the shafts and drive off.

The King of the Badgers is in a quandary, however. Beaver Hateman is determined that the coach should be drawn by the wooden-legged donkey, ridden by himself, and his brother the wooden-headed donkey.

It is a strange request, given that the Badfort Crowd are a bunch of anti-royalist anarchists, and I am sure that Beaver Hateman is up to no good.

But, with the Badgertown Town Council elections looming, the King of the Badgers wants to make the the affair as inclusive as possible and not to antagonise the Badfort Party - who he may have to negotiate with after the polls.

The thought of the Royal Coach being pulled by a couple of mangy donkeys is an anathema to me - it will make a mockery of the majesty of the event. No doubt, that is Beaver Hateman's intention.

A Wonderful Day Shopping PP

2011-04-20T11:25:00.001+01:00

I woke up this morning, not having had a good night's sleep, feeling quite tired and groggy.

A quick dose of Gleamhound's Sleepeazee (his wonderful concoctions always work backwards) and I soon felt wide awake and ready for action. Full of natural ingredients it has a remarkable restorative effect.

What better, I thought, for breakfast than one of Butterskin Mute's Juicy Organic Pumpkins. They are always so plump and juicy - full of flavour and a a must-have for holiday cooking.

The weather being so marvelous, I decided to book a week at Wolf Lodge. Miss Amy Wolf is a wonderful host and her terms are very reasonable. Her hot cocoa is a delight. The bathroom is refurbished with fresh new tiles and heaters. New lighting, curtains and carpets throughout. A DVD Player and screen has been added to the upstairs bedroom, along with and ipod docking station.

Ideal to enjoy Sunset Beach, whether you're relaxing or being active, you'll find it adapts to your wishes.

But, I know what you are thinking, I will need transport when I get there, won't I?

Luckily, Cheapman is doing a special offer on bicycles at the moment!

Bicycle design and engineering has been evolving rapidly in the past 20 years and there is much more to be seen when it comes to design and functionality.

Cheapman's is Badgertown's leading retailer of cycles and accessories. With over 100 years of cycling Heritage and superb brand choice, Cheapman's is best placed to help you find the right bike. Cheapman's has the largest selection of cycles and accessories in Badgertown and sells more bikes than any other retailer!

I bought this bike for only 5 guineas 12s 6d !

Phew! well that should pay the running costs of my blog for the rest of the year!

No to AV Campaign

2011-04-19T15:56:00.004+01:00

The campaign in the referendum on voting reform for the Badgertown Town Council is hotting up.

The Badfort Crowd are campaigning against reform - they clearly fear that under a new system they will lose seats on the council.

Their first ad campaign, predictably played on badgers fears of the cost:

But I think they have gone much too far with their second ad - threatening a poor kitten if badgers do not vote in their favour.

Three Cups of Tea, Two Bunches of Bananas, and a Scone fraud row

2011-04-19T14:53:00.000+01:00

There have been outrageous allegations made against my person on Badfort TV and in the Badfort News:

Uncle, best-selling author, philanthropist, dictator and favourite of President Barack Obama is fighting off another title: fraudster. The influential author of "Three Cups of Tea, Two Bunches of Bananas, and a Scone" has become the latest bestselling memoir writer to be accused of passing off fiction as fact.

Uncle's book is an inspirational tale of an elephant who finds a remote village after climbing to the top of Lonely Tower, the Homeward's highest skyscraper.

It is so high that the whole tower bends in the wind.

He is taken in by Crookball people and three cups of tea, two bunches of bananas, and a scone later he promises to build them a school.

The charity inspired by the encounter has raised $60m and in 2009 said it was supporting 54 schools in across Homeward serving 28,475 students. Obama donated $100,000 to the group from the proceeds of his Nobel prize. The book has become required reading in the US of A.

But reporters for Badfort TV's 60 Minutes programme visited almost 30 of the schools and claimed that roughly half were empty, built by someone else or not receiving any support.

The programme alleged that Uncle's charity, Uncle's Crookball Institute (UCI), spent more on book promotion and publicity than on building schools. Uncle took private jets to events where he was paid $30,000 to speak, according to the programme, and former associates accused him of using UCI as his own "private ATM".

These are scandalous lies! My reputation a a great benefactor has been impugned!

The schools are full of Crookballs who are all very grateful for my assistance!

Forbes - The World's Billionaires

2011-04-11T16:51:00.000+01:00

I must say, I have been somewhat mystified by the number of e-mails I have received from admirers enraged at my absence from the Forbes Fictional 15 list.

Why, in heaven's name, would one expect to find me there?

I am, of course, top of the list of the World's Billionaire - as can be seen by clicking on the image above.

Entirely appropriate, and somewhat reassuring that all is at it should be.

Voting Reform

2011-03-31T11:13:00.004+01:00

The King of the Badgers has had a tottering time trying to sort out this issue of voting reform for the Badgertown Town Council.

Yesterday, the curtain was raised on the campaigns in the referendum to be held on 5 May.

Everybody is in a right tiswas over it. Politics does indeed make strange bedfellows. Badgers do not normally get on very well with dwarfs - but many have joined forces in calling for reform.

The big problem for the King of the Badgers has been to solve the problem of how a Yes/No referendum would work when there are so many different opinions on what the new voting system should be.

He has decided to include a box for voters to write in their own ideas for the perfect system. Cowgill will then feed these into his computer. He hopes that this will provide an answer, not only to the ultimate means of voting, but also to the meaning of life, the universe, and everything.

The Old Monkey, who is very well read, insists that he already knows the answer. Apparently, it is 42?

Lunar Census

2011-03-30T13:16:00.006+01:00

This year I am conducting a census. I need accurate information on the numbers of inhabitants who live in Homeward, where they live and what their needs are. So they must all take part.

This must, of course, include the dwarfs who live on my moon colony.

My old friend Professor Brian Cox rang up begging me to let him be the Census Taker "Oh please, please, let me go, Uncle!" he declared "Even when I was a year old, I’d watch anything to do with Apollo and the moon landing! I have always wanted to go!" he pleaded.

Of course, it is his one chance - the Americans gave up going years ago wheras the dwrfs are up there mining Helium 3 for me. As you know, dwarfs are excellent at mining and subterranean extraction. The majority of our moonbase is underground but we do have have a number of solar farms above ground to power it.

Sadly, after his long journey in my rocket, he was not well received by the dwarfs. I should have warned him. They are a truculent lot and don't really like anyone. They consider the Census to be some underhanded ploy, by myself, to get details out of them for some equally underhanded reason.

The cause of this seems to be some campaign by the Badfort Crowd, who have put up posters all around the Moonbase depicting me in a particularly bad light.

I have done my best to assuage the dwarfs - I even put in a category for Cosmic Gypsy Travellers, because they insist that they are stardust and golden and have got themselves back to the garden ( a reference to my Moon Farm, one presumes!).

Anyway, they pelted the Prof with rotten tomatoes and he was very upset because he much admires the dwarfs - he thinks that the Red Dwarfs and the White Dwarfs are brilliant!

My Slippers - Comic Relief Insinuation

2011-03-21T15:33:00.009Z

Following a remark made by a Mister Karl Pilkington, on Comic Relief day, some disreputable gossip has been put about by members of the Badfort Crowd regarding the provenance of my new pair of slippers. The remark can be found at 2.20 on this video.

Let me set the record straight here and now. These emerald and ruby encrusted slippers were not bought using the proceeds of money collected by the dwarfs, of my many towers, for the benefit of Comic Relief.

They were bought for me by The King of the Badgers in gratitude for services rendered, by myself, in an economic capacity.

Also, for the record, I do not go to the newsagent in my slippers - or indeed, at all.

A freshly ironed copy of The Homeward Gazette is placed on my desk, by The Old Monkey, every morning.

Love Thy Neighbour

2011-03-18T12:47:00.007Z

The news recently has all been very depressing. In these harsh economic times, it is difficult to ask people to donate to good causes. However, though the mountains divide, and the oceans are wide it's a small world after all - so I hope you will all be good neighbours.

Via the Red Cross you can donate to Japan or New Zealand, via Save the Children to Japan and via Islamic Relief to Libya

Today is, of course, Comic Relief Day. With all the disasters around the world, not the easiest time to be raising money, but they do a lot of good work for our neighbours in Great Britain and Africa so do your bit if you can, here: http://www.comicrelief.com/

Talking of being neighbourly, the TV reality series "Love Thy Neighbour" has caused almost as outrage as the furore over Midswinter Moiders.

In this series people compete to win a two bedroom flat in Afghan Flats. And it's the existing residents of Afghan Flats who get to decide who wins the prize.

Not much of a prize. Afghan Flats is the highest tower and my Aunt, Evelyn Maidy, lives there. It is not a very nice neighbourhood. It’s full of thousands of dwarfs of the most cross and irritable disposition. She only lives there because she loves domineering over the dwarfs. The tower has a spiral lift – rather like an ordinary lift but keeps going round and round.

The dwarfs are a truculent lot and don't really like anyone. Typically, the production company appear to have chosen contestants that ensured that none of the tenants will be spared the opportunity to air any latent prejudices.

First up was a badger family - everyone knows of the running feud between dwarfs and badgers. Beer bottle resting on his belly, one dwarf pronounced that, “T’aint the place for ’em. Thar's nowhere for him to dig.”

There is also a family of Crookball people. "Bloomin' hippies!" commented one particularly miserable dwarf. "What they go to be so happy about? Goin' around with flowers in their hair and singin' - they get on my bloomin' wick!"

An aspiring bourgeoisie family of dwarfs fared no better. Their insistence on walking on stilts all the time, to increase their height, inflamed the locals. "Full of airs and graces - they look down on us because they think they are taller! - thar just bloomin' sticks of wood, that's all!" declared one irate dwarf.

Beaver Hateman has even competed - although this seems to be purely so that he can espouse his revolutionary politics. He tried bribing the tenants with jugs of Black Tom - but the dwarfs are too canny to fall for that. They got drunk and then burnt out the flat.

The gorilla did not seem bothered about the fact that the flat was now all black and sooty. I think he might win - because all the dwarfs are scared of him.

Furore over Midswinter Moiders

2011-03-17T10:03:00.003Z

Brin True-Blood, the dwarf who produces and co-created the popular television drama series Midswinter Moiders has been suspended by Homeward Television following controversial comments made about the show in the Homeward Gazette.

He said "We don't have badgers involved. Because it wouldn't be a Homeward Tower with them. It just wouldn't work. Ours stories our set in the fictional high rise tower of Midswinter, they are gritty urban stories. Badgers are rural - they like the countryside and living underground. We're the last bastion of Homewardness and I want to keep it that way."

The fictional tower is notable for its particularly high crime rate. In reality, there is no crime in Homeward and therefore no need for a police force, so the televsion series includes a fictional Midswinter Constabulary - inundated with the number of murder cases that come their way. These usually take place deep within the mine workings beneath Homeward and inevitably involve greedy dwarfs trying to steal my gold.

The King of the Badgers was asked to comment on the furore.

“Clearly, as a fictional work, the producers of Midswinter Moiders are entitled to their flights of fancy, but everyone knows that Badgers are better diggers than dwarfs and therefore far better miners. Uncle often employs us in supervisory roles, down his mines, and the series is not a fair reflection of Homeward society.

It is not true, either, to say that Badgers do not like urban environments - Badgertown proves that badgers are quite happy living in cities."

"That's as maybe," responded Brin, "but they don't like being up in a skyscraper - do they? They go all wobbly! I’m trying to make something that appeals to a certain dwarf audience, which seems to succeed. And I don’t want to change it.”

"I suppose, we might have one as a gardener on the roof garden - I admit they do like digging!" he added.

Storm in a Teacup

2011-03-12T08:51:00.003Z

There was a bit of a storm in my cup of Earl Grey yesterday afternoon.

Someone opened a twitter account just to stalk me!

Oh well, that is the price of celebritydom, I suppose.

It seems they were incensed by the piece I wrote on the King of the Badgers charity, Cosmic Relief.

At first, I thought it must be Beaver Hateman having another pop at me. Now, I suspect that it might have been The King of the Badgers, himself, furious at my disclosing his use of unpaid interns.

I am not keen on the use of interns. Being from humble beginnings, I could not have afforded to work for nothing on leaving University. I had to get on my bicycle (I had managed to buy one by then) and earn a crust. In my first job I was paid two bunches of bananas a week - I ate one and sold the other! My savings soon began to accrue. I used the skins from the eaten bananas to build a most hospitable abode.

When Goodman the cat came to work for me he said "Oh, fantastic, Sir, will I be your intern?"
He loves American hardboiled detective stories, and so loves any American expressions.

"I prefer the expression, apprentice, Goodman." I replied "You shall learn a trade and receive a roof over your head, three fish a day, and a half a crown a week - show merit and you will go far!"

Goodman was, of course, overwhelmed with gratitude.

I am a firm believer in a meritocracy - for how else could an elephant rise to such dizzying heights?

icorrect

2011-03-11T13:32:00.006Z

Celebrities and others in the public eye are being given a new way to set the record straight.

Website ICorrect.com is the brainchild of a Hong Kong entrepreneur and sets out to protect forever in cyber space the reputation of those who believe in setting the record straight on accusation.

It costs a modest £620 a year, a small price to pay to protect my global reputation, so I have used the icorrect website to finally put a stop to these base rumours put about by the Badfort Crowd regarding the 'bicycle' incident.

Click on the image above to read my response.

#TwitRelief

2011-03-11T13:05:00.002Z

The King of the Badgers asked me if I would be willing to take part in Cosmic Relief.

He is trying to raise 10 billion pounds to go to the moon! Of course, I have already been there a number of times and we have a colony of dwarfs on the moon.

But the King is keen to have his own colony of badgers there. I think he will be lucky to raise the money, myself, given the usual parlous state of his finances.

Anyway I am doing my bit by selling myself on TwitRelief. Bids have already reached over £ 5 million! Click on the image above to see!

I think that Barack is bidding for the American government - he is desperate to have a meeting with me about the World situation.

Part of the money raised is supposed to help impoverished young badgers (as a sop to those who complain that it is silly to spend money going to the moon when the economic situation in Badgertown is so bad) and the King of the Badgers has come under some flack for employing interns, with no pay, on Cosmic Relief. "Why not employ some poor youths, and give them a chance on the career ladder - rather than the sons and daughters of the rich who can afford to work for nothing and boost their CV's!" they cry.

The King of the Badgers is furious! "What other job can I give the Prince!" he moaned to me "No one would pay him to make the mess of things he does!, anyway I don't want a lot of scruffy cubs around!"

Badfort Crowd released by Tarboosh rebels

2011-03-08T08:59:00.002Z

It transpires that Beaver Hateman, himself, approved the botched plan to send a team of armed Badfort 'diplomats'into Tarboosh in, what he claimed, was an effort to build 'diplomatic' contacts with the rebels.

He now says they have withdrawn after "a serious misunderstanding about their role, leading to their temporary detention."

It seems great offence was caused to the people of Tarboosh when the Badfort Crowd gatecrashed a party. "They were not invited," declared a rebel leader "They climbed over a fence into the back garden and stole all our booze. We discovered them hiding under a rhododendron, completely intoxicated!"

"It has been a complete misunderstanding!" argued Beaver "We were merely trying to show solidarity with our revolutionary brothers, in the spirit of Marxist Internationalism! We rang the doorbell, but the music was so loud they could not hear us - so, we had to climb over the fence."

It must be noted, that Tarboosh is the only country in the world where Black Tom (the Badfort Crowd's favourite tipple) is naturally distilled in underground caves.

Beaver Hateman has not yet managed to explain how his aeroplane came to be filled with hundreds of barrels of this alcoholic beverage.

Prince of Badgers Row

2011-03-07T15:33:00.008Z

I have had to sack the King of the Badger's son from his role as trade envoy for Homeward.

"I am afraid you have now just become a national embarrassment !" I told him after giving him a good ticking off!

It transpires that he has got into some very murky deals with a "notorious" member of a gang of ferrets, took a holiday with a infamous 'Black Tom' smuggler and even used an official trip to find an unsuspecting buyer for his appalling set. Rundown, and with most of its tunnels collapsing, it appears the hapless purchaser has paid well over the odds!

Eyebrows have also been raised in some quarters about his diplomacy style.

Now, most badgers are proud, hot-tempered, and fond of simple pleasures. They are fond of feasting, sparring, sailing, and drinking (often all at the same time). They are highly acquisitive, yet notoriously frugal. Boastful creatures, they are fond of tall tales and one-upsmanship. It seems, however, that the Prince has taken these traits to extremes.

One ambassador described him as "cocky" and "rude".

What was he thinking!

I only gave him the job because his father begged me. He had tried to find a role for the Prince in the Badgertown Navy. It only had one boat - patrolling the Badgertown Park Lake. However, it sank after he 'accidently' rammed a rowing boat full of anti-monarchist dwarfs.

It appears that HBH, His Badger Highness, has become known as His Buffoon Highness in diplomatic circles.

I shall have a lot of work to do repairing the damage he has done to my reputation around the world!

Great Literature

2011-02-23T15:33:00.007Z

My dear Friend, Sue Perkins, has chosen 'The Queen of Whale Cay" by Kate Summerscale as one of her favourite books.

In an article in the The Observer newspaper, Ms Summerscale admits that she would rather have written my biographies than that of the heroine of the book. Indeed it is clear that the lady in question was merely attempting to emulate my own great domain of Homeward:

When I wondered which book I wished I'd written, Uncle by J P Martin sprang to mind. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because its hero—a millionaire elephant who wears a purple dressing gown, engages in violent skirmishes and is wildly generous to his followers—resembled the subject ofthe biography I had just written. Perhaps because it was the first book I read which made me feel (at nine) grown-up, as if I was in on the joke as well as caught up in the fantasy.

I do not quite understand the reference to humour - as you all well know, running a vast enterprise such as Homeward is a serious business and no mere fantasy.

Ms Summerscale's biography fails to mention the fact that the heroine, Marion Barbara Carstairs, actually seeked my advice before embarking on an attempt at creating her own kingdom. I warned her that it would require hard work and great public works. I fear that she did not heed my wise words. A strange woman - she dressed as a man, displayed tattoos and smoked cheroots!

Talking of eccentric ladies, a lost gem by Snide Bleeton has been discovered nestling among the dusty manuscripts in my library .

Mr Stumpy's Portaloo, a 180-page fantasy novel, has been announced to the world following its unearthing by by my librarian, Will Shudder.

I must admit, I have little time for children's literature - I think that children would be far better off reading a good book on economics or civic constitution than indulging in all this fantasy stuff. Goodman tells me that it is a jolly exciting yarn, though.

Wizardry turmoil as services put out to tender

2011-02-22T15:34:00.004Z

Poor old Wizard Blenknsop came to see me today - he is very cross and despondent about Mayor Cameroon's ambitions to roll back the boundaries of the overweening Badgertown Council.

Cameroon is determined that every single public service will be put out to tender.

For over forty years Wizard Blenkinsop has provided Badgertown with all its magical needs - potions, spells and sage advice (click on the image below to enlarge).

Wizardry services have now been put out to tender and a company called WIZCO bid a figure much lower than Blenkinsop's, whilst claiming that quality would not fall.

However, it transpires that Joey Beadle is the Managing Director of WIZCO.

He once falsely claimed to be a Member of the World Wizard Association and fleeced some gullible young wolves and badgers by setting up a School of Magic and enrolling them as students.

Suffice to say that he was a total imposter and the only magic he was capable of teaching was of the parlour game variety.

Wizard Blenkinsop had been impressed by his enthusiasm for the profession, however, so rather than expose and disgrace him had offered him the position of clerk and general helper.

It seems that his former assistant has now stabbed him in the back.

Already, many badgers are complaining that potions are so watered down that they have little effect. There is even a rumour that a spell to cure warts resulted in a badger being turned into a massive blancmange.

British Prime Minister follows my advice

2011-02-16T10:40:00.005Z

I see that the British Prime Minister has followed my advice and appointed Goodman's cousin, Larry, as his new secretary.

Goodman is a marvel in the post room - he loves licking stamps and, as you know, he is a well read and very literate cat. There is nothing more that he enjoys than poring over my papers - and he often offers interesting opinions. My faithful servant, the Old Monkey, even gets a little jealous at times, I suspect.

But, nothing can beat the sage advice of a wise monkey.

All Mister Cameron needs now is a monkey on his shoulder - that should put a stop to any more blunders!

The Badgers are revolting over 'Biscuit' Haven

2011-02-11T12:55:00.012Z

The badgers are revolting. I am not being badgerist - they literally are revolting.

Led on by Beaver Hateman, they are protesting in Badgertown Town Hall Square over the biscuit situation.

Badgers do love their biscuits. Having voted in Dave "the biscuit" Macaroon and Nick 'Cream' Custard, last year (in a what some felt was a half-baked coalition) the badgers had hoped that, at least, there biscuits would be safe.

However, since coming into power, the coalition have argued that biscuit cuts are inevitable.

"I would love to see ample supplies of biscuits for everyone" said David Macaroon "but when you're borrowing 11% of your GDP to pay for biscuits, it's not possible. It just isn't."

However, The Badfort News is accusing Macaroon of duplicity:

While Macaroon insists that he occupies the centre ground of Badgertown politics, that he shares the badger's burdens and feels their pain, he has quietly been plotting with banks and businesses to engineer the greatest transfer of biscuits from the poor to the ultra-rich that Badgertown has ever seen. Under the new tax proposals, companies will pay nothing at all in Badgertown for biscuits made by their foreign branches. But that's not the end of it. While big business will be exempt from tax on its foreign biscuits, it will, amazingly, still be able to claim the expense of funding its foreign biscuits against tax it pays in Badgertown! So, Camaroon turns Badgertown into a biscuit haven for the rich, whilst poor badgers have to make do with hardtack shipbiscuits. Meanwhile, the fat cat businessmen are living it up with Biscotti, Galettes Bretonnes, Hobnobs, West African Coconut Biscuits and luxury Continental Biscuits!

Beaver Hateman is urging the badgers to rise up against their oppressors in "The Garibaldi Biscuit Revolution!"

The Garibaldi is a particular favourite of the badgers and consists of currants squashed between two thin, oblong biscuits- a currant sandwich.

Baever soon saw how he could use the fact that the biscuit is named after Giuseppe Garibaldi, an Italian general and leader of the fight to unify Italy.

Standing on the balcony of Badgertown Town Hall he incited the crowd by saying "Come citizens - let us be inspired by the Generalissimo! - united we can take back our Garibaldi's!"

The King of the Badgers was soon on the phone to me. "What can I do, Uncle, they won't settle for the dryed up old digestives in the Palace store!"

"Don't worry, your majesty, I have the matter in hand. I am sending over Cowgill with ten truckloads of Fortnum and Mason Chocolossus biscuits!"

The Daily Uncle

2011-02-03T10:58:00.005Z

Since I bought my first newspaper (not to read! - I bought the company!) , The Homeward Gazette, I have striven to shake up the world's press!

I have now decided to venture into the world of digital publishing by launching The Daily Uncle!

It is designed to work on Cowgill's splendid new clockwork invention, that he named the ePad (e for elephant - after me).

It heralds a new journalism for new times. It combines the "serendipity and surprise" of newspapers with the speed and versatility of new technology. Readers merely need to ring up the Homeward telephone exchange to have a copy of the newspaper beamed to their e-pad device!

I have appointed Goodman the cat as editor - his handwriting is exceptionally neat.

I held a launch party for the newspaper - and that horrible chief reporter for The Badfort News, Hitmouse, had the effrontery to ask whether the Daily would be less biased towards me and against the Badfort Crowd than The Homeward Gazette. I replied that it was entirely up to Goodman to decide.

"We are patriotic," Goodman replied. "We love Homeward, and we appreciate Uncle's beneficence and good deeds."

The Good Life

2011-02-01T12:17:00.004Z

One of the most popular programmes on Homeward television is 'The Good Life'.

We do not buy many foreign programmes, as they are not usually very edifying. This programme, however, blending comedy and educative information on leading a sustainable, simple and self-sufficient lifestyle, is a firm favourite - and constantly repeated.

The dwarfs, who live in my many towers, were most enthusiastic when I suggested that the tops of all my skyscrapers be ploughed up into allotments, growing soft fruit and vegetables.

Imagine our excitement, then, when we discovered that the British Broadcasting Corporation were producing a modernised version of this classic sit-com.

I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I had never heard of the wonderful actress Sue Perkins - who was chosen to play the role of Barbara Good. Of course, Felicity Kendall, the original actress in the role, is treated as a goddess by the dwarfs - and some are skeptical of Sue's ability to make the role her own.

Having seen her in costume, I feel that she has the same gamin charm of Felicity and will be a great success in the part. I am not sure about the rather charmless character they have selected to fill the boots of Richard Briers, however.

I invited Sue on a State visit to Homeward, and her reception even outshone that of President Obama!

She is such a talented young lady, as well. The Old Monkey informed me that she was a renowned conductress - to boot, which led to a bit of a mix-up, at first, as I had arranged for her to show off her skills on the No.11 bus route.

She was soon demonstrating her dexterity with the baton - leading the Badgertown Colliery Band in a rousing rendition of "Hail to Glorious Uncle!"

Riding around with her in my new carriage, and in my new purple dressing gown and top hat I think, if I say so myself, I cut quite a dash. I remarked to the Old Monkey that I felt that Sue was somewhat enamoured of me. "She is gay, Sir" countered the Old Monkey. The implication of this remark made me furious! "I may be burdened with weight of High Office - but I am actually quite a jolly elephant myself!" I retorted. It can be a lonely existance, for a celebrity of my status - something I am sure Sue appreciates.

I have been on to the BBC today, about purchasing the new series, and look forward, greatly, to seeing Sue's thespian virtues.

Of course, the Badfort Crowd hate "The Good Life". Beaver Hateman says that it is "Nothing but a couple of reactionary stereotypes confirming the myth that the working classes are all Oiks!"

The Badfort Crowd's favourite sitcom import is "Citizen Smith" " the story of Wolfie" Smith, a young Communist "urban guerrilla" living in South London. Beaver says it reminded him of his early struggles. The Badfort Crowd were furious that in the sequel, "My Family" (which they assumed was about the familial cameraderie of a revolutionary cell), Wolfie had become a bourgeois middle class dentist.

I am a Great Benefactor!

2011-01-31T14:01:00.006Z

The Old Monkey was right - I am too soft hearted. I believed that Hitmouse had really turned over a new leaf - but it seems that his sackings from Badfort News and Badfort TV were just a ruse to make me believe that he had renounced his anarchist views.

Whilst employed by me, as a spin doctor, he wreaked havoc on my blog and on my twitter feed. Insulting the great and good, and traducing my reputation.

My apologies to you all - I have managed to rectify this blog - but it seems that Hitmouse has now posted it on Hateman's website!

Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that we posses

2011-01-29T14:18:00.005Z

In an extraordinary turn of events, it seems that Hitmouse, Beaver Hateman's right hand man, has seen the error of his ways and wishes to become a good citizen.

Of course, he is now persona non grata amonst the Badfort Crowd following a couple of appalling misdemeanours.

Firstly, last week, he was sacked from The Badfort News for his role in instigating the phone hacking of politicians and celebrities.

Then, this week, he was sacked from Badfort TV for 'unacceptable and offensive behaviour'.

Beaver Hateman confirmed that the incident in question is a new YouTube clip that emerged showing Hitmouse making badgerist comments after Beaver had been on air making a speech extolling Badgers to rise up against their King.

Here is the transcript:

Beaver: Arise Badgers of Badgertown! Down with Unc, the bloated tyrant, and the silly old King of the Badgers! Join me and rule the place sanely! Up slaves and crush the monsters! Share in the share-out! Badgertown today! Homeward tomorrow!

Floor Manager: Cut! excellent o leader, I must say!

Hitmouse: Yeah, but we aren't really gonna share the loot with those smelly old badgers are we, Boss?

It seems that Beaver decided that it was politically expedient to sack Hitmouse.

Repudiated by his boss, and now redundant, Hitmouse turned up at my door the very next day - contrite and offering me his services!

"I am so ashamed of my former activities against you, Sir." he declared "but, I have seen the error of my ways and wish to help you in anyway I can to counter Hateman's vicious diatribes against you. For, now the veil has been lifted, I can see that we should all be grateful to you for your bountiful gifts and extraordinary sense of civic duty! Sir, if you do not mind me saying so, you are in need of a spin doctor in order for the truth of your greatness to be shouted from every rooftop!"

"Do you think he can be trusted, Sir?" interjected the Old Monkey, skeptically.

Hitmouse looked hurt, and downcast, at this remark.

"I think that it is clear, from his generous comments, that he has seen the light and turned over a new leaf." I replied. "I have never had a spin doctor, but, if one is good enough for my old friend, Tony Blair, then I shall certainly give it a try."

Hitmouse looked overjoyed "Sir, I promise I will do a good job on, I mean, for you, Sir!" he declared.

I set him to work, immediately, on formulating the questions for my new Happiness index.

This is an idea I have come up with to gauge Homeward's national mood, the citizen's psychological and environmental wellbeing.

I must say Hitmouse has done a marvelous job - here is a sample of some of the questions he has devised.

Does it make you happy, or very happy, that Uncle charges such low rents and are you over the moon at the present you get from him every rent day?

How much do you love the feasts that Uncle arranges on his birthday, Christmas, and other special occasions?

Describe how you feel about having such a great benefactor as the owner of Homeward?

How happy does it make your children to be able to attend great educational establishments, such as Doctor Lyre's Select School for Young Gentlemen, all funded by Uncle?

How unhappy would you be if Uncle had not averted, due to his great economic wisdom, the economic disaster that the rest of the world is suffering?

Excellent work! ...who would have ever thought that one of my arch enemies could prove so useful?

10 O'Clock Live Show

2011-01-23T13:09:00.003Z

As you know, on Thursday night I appeared on the British television programme 10 O'Clock Live.

I must say, despite my fears, the interview went very well. I actually managed to have quite an adult conversation about the burden of leadership under the present economic climate.

Unfortunately, the bicycle incident did come up - but Mister Mitchell was quite magnanimous about it, as he said "borrowing a bicycle and accidently squashing it - we've all done that haven't we?"

Much nicer than that awful Mister Paxman, I thought.

We even had a chat about our mutual humble beginnings and how important scholarships are for you to be able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.

I was furious to discover, however, that they had also invited Beaver Hateman onto the programme.

There were a lot of jocular remarks about overweight tyrant pachyderms - and Mister Mitchell joined in the laughter!

They did manage to embarrass Beaver into making a declaration vis a vis the scandal surrounding his right hand man Hitmouse, and the allegations of phone tapping at The Badfort News

"I'm sacking, er... I mean he is resigning tomorrow. He is perfectly innocent but nothing must distract us from the overthrow of the tyrant Unc and the coming revolution!" he declared.

This was clearly the first that Hitmouse had heard of this, and in a fury he flung a skewer which stuck in Mister Mitchell's nose!

Insulted at Golden Globes

2011-01-18T14:59:00.002Z

I have never been so publicly insulted in my life.

That is the last time that I agree to present an award at such an event.

It was hosted by some British comedian, who made jibes at the great and the good.

He introduced me with this cruel remark:

"Uncle, the largest philanthropist in the world or as many of you in this room probably know him best for, the elephant that squashes bicycles! ..."

"My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke," he added as the audience gasped.

This is not funny - it is certainly no way to treat a pachyderm of my stature, and Mister Gervais will live to regret his insolence.

Rogue Undercover Police Badger

2011-01-17T11:37:00.007Z

Rogue undercover Badgertown police officer as seen (on right) at Badfort Crowd demonstration.

Interesting article in The Homeward Gazette:

Astounding news has been revealed that, Constable Dibley, a member of the Badgertown Police has been involved in an audacious operation to live deep undercover amongst Badfort activists.

Dibley's personal journey also appears to have ended with a remarkable twist. In recent weeks, after Beaver Hateman discovered his hidden identity, Dibley is said to have "gone native". He has expressed remorse to betrayed friends and is seeking some way of securing redemption.

Hitmouse, Beaver's right hand man, has stated "Normally one would be wary of badgers wanting to join the Badfort Crowd. They are not known for their revolutionary fervour. But Dibley was funny, friendly – if a bit obsessed with digging tunnels.," he said. "He would go out of his way for people." He agreed that Dibley's copious barrels of Black Tom – and his money – quickly helped him to ingratiate himself with the community.

It seems that Dibley became a "rogue badger". For four months he played a key role in planning action, leading reconnaissance missions and giving advice on the best ways to attack Uncle.

It would appear that he even became romantically involved with Beaver Hateman's sister, Bertha Hateman.

Appealing to Shipping Forecast Homewarders

2011-01-16T14:54:00.007Z

Wolf Lodge

Southwest 7 to severe gale 9, decreasing 5 to 7. Rough or very rough. Squally showers. Good

Lion Tower, Walrus Tower

Southerly 5 to 7, occasionally gale 8 at first. Rough or very rough. Squally showers. Good

Afghan Flats, Owl Springs

Southwest 7 to severe gale 9, decreasing 5 to 7. Moderate or rough. Squally showers. Good

Haunted Tower, Blowpipe Laundry, Digger, Bodger, Animal Bite, Humble

Southwesterly 5 to 7, occasionally gale 8 at first. Moderate or rough. Occasional rain, fog patches later. Moderate, occasionally very poor later

Crack House, Treacle, Bread Walk, Whooshburg Precipice, Closed Gallery

Southwest 6 to gale 8, becoming variable 4. Moderate or rough, but very rough or high in west Treacle. Rain, fog patches. Moderate, occasionally very poor

Sunset Beach

Variable mainly southerly or southwesterly, 3 or 4. Rough or very rough. Occasional rain. Good, occasionally poor

I have to say, the Old Monkey is a genius at identifying precisely the Political Zeitgeist of our times. No one has quite their finger on the pulse of the body politic, as he.

Only last night I was bemoaning the fact that, despite my firm hand on the tiller of economics during these stormy times, there are still many dwarfs bemoaning their lot.

"Oh yes, Sir, but these are, what I have identified as, Shipping Forecast Homewarders. You see, there are some dwarfs who are congenital worriers. They toss and turn and cannot get to sleep, so they have to listen to the Shipping Forecast to lull themselves off into the land of nod. Do you realise that they are such insomniacs that when they finally fall asleep, it is such a deep sleep that they have to set an alarm clock in order to make sure they awake in time to go down the mines? It makes them very disgruntled and disaffected, I am afraid, Sir " he explained.

"An alarm clock, you say?" I asked, unable to believe my ears.

"I am afraid so, Sir - astounding I know, given that life in Homeward is so joyous, one assumed that the inhabitants jumped out of bed every morning with a spring in their step!" he replied.

"Don't worry, Sir, I have a solution - we shall give the populace Gleamhound's patent Energizer tablets. For, we all know Gleamhound's cures work backwards - thus insuring them a good night's sleep. May I also suggest a medal for every citizen that gets out of bed on time?" he added.

"Splendid idea Old Monkey - I do not know what I would do without your sage advice!" I replied.

We are all in this together

2011-01-11T16:55:00.010Z

As we all know, these are harsh economic times - not so much for the citizens of Homeward, who benefit from my judicious economic planning, but tough for the badgers of Badgertown.

The King of the Badgers has had to introduce drastic cuts in public spending and had to raise taxes to cover his debts (most of which, it must be said, is money that I have lent him).

We are all in this together and all must make a contribution (well, I already have - lending him the money in the first place).

It is important to show solidarity with our fellow creatures, the badgers. I have asked the Old Monkey to make as many household budget cuts as are possible. For instance, I now only have two bunches of bananas for breakfast rather than three. One can always do with losing a bit of weight after Christmas, anyway.

In order to save on fuel I am not using my traction engine. I now travel around Homeward in my carriage, drawn by the Respectable Horses - it provides gainful employment for them, and they are more than happy with a few bales of hay.

In the spirit of solidarity, I have also agreed to appear on the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation's reality show "Oh, how the Mighty have fallen" in which rich and successful entrepreneurs, such as myself, pretend to be poor and jobless to find out how ordinary badgers survive on very little.

No doubt this will be an emotional and uplifting experience for the audience. I do, however, believe that it will also be educative for them. For, coming from humble beginnings, myself - I hardly think that this will be difficult or, indeed, arduous. They should be able to pick up quite a few tips from me on how they can tighten their belts and balance a budget.

I will be moving into a humble badger set in one of the rougher districts of Badgertown. Clearly, though, badgers are much smaller than average well proportioned, but big boned, elephant.

It has therefore been necessary to scale the accomodation up proportionally. So, luckily, I will still have room for my mud jacuzzi. I do not know what I would do if I could not have a good wallow in the morning!

Of course, a similar problem arises when one tries to match the diet of these poor badgers. They are a lot smaller than me. So, again, it is necessary for me to have rather more to eat than them.

We do all need to make sacrifices in these difficult times - but one clearly cannot expect these to be equal. Who has ever seen a thin billionaire elephant? - it would be most unnatural.

The Arcadians 60th Anniversary Cliffhanger...

2011-01-05T17:47:00.006Z

One of my favourite 'soaps' on Radio Homeward is the long running serial 'The Arcadians'.

It is an everyday story of urban farming folk who till the soil above Arcbridge Flats on the top of a fictional tower in Homeward called "Barchester Tower".

Originally produced with collaborative input from the farmer Butterskin Mute, The Arcadians was conceived as a means of disseminating information to farmers and smallholders to help increase productivity and to help them recapture an Edenic form of life, contrasting to the progressive nature of Utopian desires.

Over the years agricultural storylines have given way to ones concerning the relationship between past and present and between order and disorder and the certainty of knowledge. Agricultural instruction has generally been replaced with advice on the production of musical theatre - with many episodes detailing the work of the Arcadian Players.

I am usually a fan of the serial but I am very unhappy with the events of the 60th anniversary edition. I don't listen to The Arcadians for the drama, I listen to it for the feelgood factor.

It has descended into using the kind of shock tactics more commonly used in soaps such as the Badgertown Broadcasting Company's Consternation Sets and Badfort TV's Badenders.

It was not even particularly exciting! It had been billed as “..the storyline that would shake Arcbridge Flats to its very core”, but in actual fact last weekend’s 60th anniversary was slow-moving and extremely disappointing.

The storyline featured Nigel Crookball attempting to remove a banner, that Beaver Hateman had erected on the tower, which read "Down with Unc!"

The whole thing was marred by the slapstick manner in which this was realised - with Nigel constantly commenting about how slippery it was, what with all the banana skins that had been discarded by 'a certain corpulent elephant' !!!

The worst aspect of all the anniversary programmes, that these three 'soaps' have transmitted this year, has been the callous disregard for the way in which they have engendered fear in the community over health and safety issues.

I know that Noddy Ninety, who as we know has a keen interest in steam driven transportation, was dismayed at how commuters would react to the Consternation Sets storyline involving a tram, on the Homeward Switchback Railway, derailing and hitting the Badger's sets.

The story in Badenders did little to allay viewers fears over the danger of fires. It featured the Badfort Crowd's Black Tom dump afire and outrageously suggested that the Badgertown Fire Brigade deliberately failed to turn up - on my orders!

I fear that the dwarfs, who live in my many towers, will now demand rent decreases to cover the supposed 'dangers' of high rise living!

The story line was, of course, nonsense. There are trampolines based around the bottom of all my towers to counteract the consequences of the occasional unexpected plummet.

Uncle's Christmas Message

2010-12-25T09:43:00.004Z

Uncle’s Annual Christmas Message as broadcast today:

Hail to Glorious Uncle Anthem – intro pictures of the Great Hall at Homeward

Cut to Uncle at his desk in front of the Great Christmas Tree.

2010 has been a difficult year for many of you, in particular for those in Badgertown facing the economic downturn and deepening recession. We, here at Homeward, are weathering it all better than most – due to my excellent head for economics.

Sadly, I have noticed that some of you dwarfs have been missing your rent payments – even though I only charge a farthing a week!

At this special time of year, all over the World, we celebrate the spirit of community so come on, let’s see a bit more civic responsibility and pay your rent on time!

The spirit of community should not just be for one or two days; it should be something for every day, but you have all got a bit lax and selfish recently

What is the solution to this sorry state of affairs? There is only one.

Sport, sport and more sport!

I have decided that 2011 will be a “Year of Sport” in Homeward.

There shall be a singing competition, dwarf throwing events, a new Spigots league, and a water cricket tournament!

In the spirit of fraternity, I have even agreed to a friendly game of “mob football” between the people of Homeward and Badfort.

This will be played on the ground between the two castles involving an unlimited number of players on the opposing teams.

The winner will be the first team to get an inflated pig's bladder into the opposition’s moat.
I have Beaver Hateman’s word that his players will not have skewers or Duck Bombs secreted about their persons.

By the end of the year I am sure we shall see a return to that traditional community spirit so typical of our proud City, and we shall once again see Homeward united!

Remember, be an upstanding citizen, pay you’re rent, and you will always have a friend in Uncle!

A very merry Christmas to you all.

The Elementalist, A Christmas Ghost Story

2010-12-24T09:52:00.005Z

A final Christmas tale of Stiener Brashburg's Antique Shop 'Temptations'.

As I have previously recounted, each purchase from Brashbag's comes with "a big novelty surprise". For those who pay a fair price this surprise is generally good, but for those that cheat Brashburg - well, a nasty fate awaits all of them.

Sigismund Hateman came to rue the day that, whilst out of sight of Brashburg, he put the price tag of a cheaper snuff box on the one he wanted to buy.

Brashburg sold him the box at the altered price, bidding him farewell with a cheery "I hope you enjoy snuffing it."

When sniffed, snuff causes one to sneeze - but the preparation contained in this particular snuff box was none other than Gleamhound's "clear your nose" snuff - as his concoctions always work backwards Sigismund soon found his nose completely blocked. Unfortunately, however, this was not the only damaging aspect to the snuff box - for it had once been stolen from the Haunted Tower.

"Dis snuff has bade be all blocked up" complained Sigismund as he sat by the fire in Badfort Castle. "Id going do ruin by Bismas! - an I god a pain in by ear too!"

Hootman walked in and let out a yell! "I'm not surprised you got a pain in your ear! There's a bloomin Elementalist sitting on your shoulder poking it with a skewer!"

Being a spirit, Hootman can see other supernatural beings that are unseen by ordinary mortals.

He cast a few runes and managed to make the Elementalist partly visible - Hitmouse tried to skewer it but as it was made of something like a thick fog, this was no good.

"You rotten little ghost! You are spoiling our Christmas!" shouted Beaver.

"Well, what do you think its like being stuck in a snuff box over Christmas?" wailed the Elementalist. His voice was piercing, and so strident they all had to put their hands over their ears.

"Alright, alright, thats enough screaming and wailing!" muttered Beaver "You can stay with us for Christmas - if you behave yourself!"

The Elementalist was ecstatic "Oh Brill, nobody has ever invited me to spend Christmas with them! They usually try and exorcise me !" he said joyfully.

"Blimey, don't tell anyone we were nice to you! It'll ruin our reputation!" laughed Beaver. "Here, have a flagon of Black Tom, and join us in a few choruses of a good old Christmas song!"

The elementalist sang in a high falsetto voice, with the Badfort Crowd.

On a bitter winter's night
By the gates of METZ
I waited in the fading light,
In my torn VEST.

So, once more, Stiener Brashburg's Antique Shop 'Temptations' had worked its magic - even the Badfort Crowd had been imbued with something of the Christmas spirit.

The Gatecrasher, A Christmas Ghost Story - Part Two

2010-12-21T14:25:00.009Z

As you will recall, I was recounting the tale of the mirror that I had bought from Stiener Brashburg's Antique Shop 'Temptations' as a Christmas present for the Old Monkey.

Rather foolishly, we had agreed to the Muncle's suggestion that we hold a Christmas seance.

Suddenly, a ghostly figure appeared in the mirror and floated into the room crying "feed me, feed me!"

It was none other than Hootman - Beaver Hateman's spectral schemer!

"Begone, you conspiring anarchist - you are the one responsible for plotting most of Beaver Hateman's schemes against me!" I cried.

But the Old Monkey pleaded the waif like spirit's cause "After all, it is Christmas, Sir, and he does look very hungry" he argued.

"Oh alright, as it is Christmas.." I began, but, suddenly, the rest of the Badfort Crowd appeared from the mirror!

"Cheers Unc!" declared Beaver "We have been waiting ages in that Netherworld for some rich old fool to buy this bloomin' mirror from Brashburg's shop!"

Being Christmas, I had no choice but to invite the Badfort Crowd to join our feast.

I had organised a mighty meal. My feasting table was so loaded with provisions that it had actually to be supported in places by casks of ham!

Even so, the Badfort Crowd were soon stuffing themselves and grabbing the tastiest morsels before my guests had a chance to sample them.

As the clock began to strike midnight, Beaver shouted "Cheers Unc!" and extended his hand to shake mine.

However, I spotted the spiky sprig of holly tucked away in his palm and looked at him coldly.

"So you won't shake hands?" began Hateman. "Right lads get out your duck bombs, it's Midnight. Christmas is over, truce is over! We are going to take Homeward and teach this despotic elephant a thing or two!"

The Badfort Crowd drew out their weapons and looked menacingly at my guests.

But, as the clock finished striking twelve, a mighty wind pulled Beaver and his cronies back into the mirror!

I admit a feeling of relief, each purchase from Brashburg's comes with "a big novelty surprise" and I had thought that, despite my exemplary behaviour, mine might have been about to be a nasty one.

We looked into the mirror at the Badfort Crowd shivering in the cold, dingy, infernal realm inside.

"Merry Christmas!" I cried to Beaver - and he scowled back at me. "I think that we shall leave them to reflect on their appalling behaviour for a few days before we ask Brashburg how to release them." I suggested to the Old Monkey "In the meantime, they can watch us enjoy the rest of the festivities!"

The Gatecrasher, A Christmas Ghost Story - Part One

2010-12-17T12:52:00.002Z

Another Christmas tale of Stiener Brashburg's Antique Shop 'Temptations'.

One Christmas, I was doing my usual search, at his shop, for unusual curios to give as presents.

Prominently displayed was a most splendid antique mirror - "How much for that wonderful artifact?, my good man" I inquired.

"Oh, I am afraid that is a moost unique item, Sir. I would have to ask £50 for it, really." replied Brashburg.

"Nonsense it is worth far more than that - I shall give you £100!" I replied, feeling full of beneficient Chrismas spirit.

"Oh thank you, Sir, that is most generous!"

As I have previously recounted, each purchase from Brashburg's comes with "a big novelty surprise". But for those who pay a fair price this surprise is generally good, so I had no qualms over my purchase.

On Christmas day I gave it to the Old Monkey and he was most pleased.

However, the trouble began when the Muncle suggested that, it being Christmas - a time when the spirits are supposed to walk abroad amongst their fellow men, we should hold a seance.

I knew that no good would come of this...as you will see.

The Door, A Christmas Ghost Story - Part Two

2010-12-16T14:27:00.004Z

Yesterday, I told of how Beaver Hateman conned Stiener Brashburg into selling him an antique door, reclaimed from the Haunted Tower, for half a crown. A nasty fate awaits all who cheat Brashburg - for the items he sells all exact retribution, good or bad.

"Brilliant Boss!" cried Hitmouse when Beaver returned to Badfort with his prize "But, where we gonna put it?"

"I fort it would make a brill new door for the Black Tom Store!" declared Beaver. As you know, Black Tom is a noxious, but extremely, intoxicating brew - much favoured by the Badfort Crowd.

Their Black Tom store is huge - the size of a large dungeon.

The Badfort Crowd celebrated Beaver's find with much drinking of this liquor.

However, The Door began to exert a strange fascination over Hateman - mainly because he was very thirsty and the Badfort Crowd had soon drunk all the jars of Black Tom in the Feasting Hall.

To resounding cheers from his cronies, he declared that he would fetch some more Black Tom from the store.

But when he opened the door, the enormous store of alcohol had mysteriously turned into a tiny Stationery Cupboard!

Standing in it was a small ghost, muttering "I did it! I took the photocopy paper!"

Beaver was unsympathetic "Where's our Black Tom gone you horrible little runt!" he shouted.

A bucket of coal happened to be standing near and Beaver picked it up and emptied it over the ghost.

Beaver was about to turn around and call in his gang, to interrogate the diminuitive spirit, but found the door had shut fast behind him.

"There is no escape!" cried the ghost "This Stationery Cupboard was in the Haunted Tower - I was trapped inside when I tried to steal some stationery supplies and I starved to death! It traps all those who enter through it!"

"We'll soon see about that!" cried Beaver bringing out his trusty axe from beneath his sackcloth robes and proceeding to smash the door.

As he did so the Stationery Cupboard began to crumble. "Oi, you can't do that!" cried the Ghost "That's vandalism!"

Finally, Hateman managed to break the door from its hinges and in a puff of dust the Stationery Cupboard once more became the Black Tom Store.

"Ooooh errrr! what am I going to do now?" blubbed the ghost "I've got nowhere left to haunt?"

"You're welcome to haunt Badfort if you like mate!" said Beaver "here have a jug of Black Tom - That'll cheer you up!"

The Door, A Christmas Ghost Story - Part One

2010-12-15T11:02:00.005Z

Everyone enjoys a good ghost story at Christmas, so, over the next few days I thought I would regale you with some of the curious incidents that have taken place here at Homeward.

As you know, I always like to do a Christmas shop at Stiener Brashburg's Antique Shop 'Temptations'. He always has the most interesting curios - eighteenth-century crabtree cudgels, medieval boaster's stools and the like. His motto is "Offers You Cannot Resist".

One Christmas, I arrived rather late - having stocked up with bargains from Cheapman's Store first. He had a number of electric cars at the bargain price of five shillings so I snapped up fifty of them for the Homeward Taxi service.

"Any interesting curios, my good friend?" I inquired.

"Well, I did have the most magnificent ancient ornate door - reclaimed, I thought, from the Haunted Tower. I priced it at £200. I think that you would have most impressed." he replied.

"A bargain - has someone beaten me to it, then?", I responded, sadly. I must admit I was somewhat disappointed that this wonderful artifact had slipped through my hands.

"I'm afraid so, Sir. A mister 'Hateman' came in early this morning looking for a present for his dear maiden aunt, he said. He spotted the door and was quite aghast at the price. He informed me that it might well be worth the asking price - it it were not for the fact that it was clearly a reproduction. He offered me half a crown to take it off my hands - as it was Christmas he wanted to do me a favour. In the circumstances I accepted his offer. Such a shame, I was sure it was an original from the famous Haunted Tower!" said the despondent Brashbag.

"Hateman, you say? I fear that you have been tricked, Steiner. Hateman is the leader of the Badfort Crowd and is renowned as a con artist." I replied.

Brashbag was furious - and Hateman had made a grave error of judgement in cheating the proprietor of this store. For each purchase comes with "a big novelty surprise". For those who pay a fair price this surprise is generally good, but for those that cheat Brashbag - well, a nasty fate awaits all of them.

What would fate bring Beaver Hateman as a reward I wondered?

Wheelchair Attack!

2010-12-14T10:31:00.003Z

Last night, whilst on a visit to the King of the Badgers, a man in a wheelchair hurtled towards me and ran over my foot!

I was in fear for my life!

Luckily, a vigilant member of the Badgertown Police bravely dragged my attacker from his lethal weapon and threw him to the ground.

It transpired that he was merely an autograph hunter, but in these times of unrest in Badgertown one cannot take chances - anyway, one should not go around dressed in sackcloth if one does not want to be mistaken for a member of the Badfort Crowd. He could well have been Beaver Hateman in one of his nefarious disguises!

The Prince of Philanthropists

2010-12-13T14:45:00.008Z

I have been forced to reprimand Piers Morgan and Sir Alan Sugar for their unseemly behaviour on Twitter.

It really is beyond the pale to bicker over who is raising the most for charity, it is unseemly conduct which could lead people to question the actions of all us multi-millionaire and billionaire philanthropists.

It is also a pointless exercise - for am I not known as the 'Prince' of Philanthropists?

Have Mister Morgan or Sir Alan ever been presented with a painting, by a world renowned artist (Waldovenison Smeare), depicting one of their charitable acts?

I talk of course of the famous work of art "Uncle opening the Dwarf's Drinking Fountains" - one of my many great deeds of benovolence.

How many civic leaders have had a statue dedicated to them by students of the university they have funded?

For it is true, in recognition of my bountiful dedication to free university education the students of Homeward University erected a fine effigy, of myself, to grace the entrance.

Mind you it makes sound economic sense - I can only charge uneducated dwarfs a farthing a week rent (although they do get a fair wage down my mines) whereas graduates get far better paid jobs and I can charge them a halfpenny!

King of Badgers poked!

2010-12-12T15:02:00.007Z

It is an absolute disgrace!

The King of the Badgers was poked last night by violent student protestors.

No doubt encouraged by that yob, Beaver Hateman.

I admire the King's fortitude of spirit, coming under such violent assault, - apparently he only fainted twice.

Of course, I have some sympathy with the protestors - coming from humble beginnings myself I would never have had the opportunity to have gone to University or to have enjoyed the many edifying recreational pursuits therein if it were not for the fact that I was able to gain a scholarship.

However, the rule of law must be upheld and The Badgertown Police were right to enforce this with the utmost severity.

As always, one must be magnanimous - I have sent the hospitalised student badgers a crate of bananas and a crate of grapes to show there are no hard feelings over the matter.

King insulted on Radio Badfort

2010-12-06T18:38:00.007Z

The King of the badgers agreed to appear on Badfort Radio News this morning, to discuss the spending cuts he has been forced to implement.

I told him not to, but he refused to heed my warning.

As I suspected he was insulted before even coming on air.

Beaver Hateman claims that it was a slip of the tongue and that he meant to say "Coming up we have the Head Brock, himself, the King of the Badgers..."

But, in what he blames as a spoonerism, he declared "Coming up we have the Head *ock, himself..." and then dissolved into a giggling fit.

How can anyone say that on the radio! It's a disgrace.

Homeward under Snow

2010-12-03T18:30:00.003Z

As usual, it is a fierce winter here at Homeward.

We had to mobilise Cowgill's digging machine to look for a family of badgers who had got lost while searching for a Christmas tree in the heavy snow.

Having found them, we then had to go and rescue passengers from a steam train that Noddy Ninety had rather foolishly driven into a snow drift.

The Badfort News, however, is claiming that I engineered this snow event to distract everyone from the final crisis of capitalism!

Cables expose Hateman's 'mafia state'

2010-12-02T13:37:00.003Z

A very interesting article has appeared in the Homeward Gazette:

Badfort is a corrupt, autocratic kleptocracy centred on the leadership of Beaver Hateman in which officials, oligarchs and organised crime are bound together to create a "virtual mafia state", according to leaked secret diplomatic cables that provide a damning American assessment ofthe Badfort regime.

In his cables the US ambassador details countless examples of the theft and extortion carried out by the Badfort Crowd:

1) The farmer, Butterskin Mute, reports the theft of his largest pumpkins by Mister Hateman.

2) Mister Hateman pretended that he owned Lonely Tower (belonging to Uncle) and charged the occupants excessive rents.

3) Mister Hateman impersonated a school inspector and forged a permit to Sweet Tower for the children in order to appear generous at Uncle's expense.

4) Mister Hateman attempted to defraud Uncle by substituting gold for gilt lead.

5) Mister Hateman attempted to extort free food from Cadcoon's Store and when he was refused set the store on fire.

The ambassador went on to say:

"Beaver Hateman cannot be trusted - he likes to portray himself as the champion of the people, a modern day Robin Hood. But it is quite clear that his main aim is to steal from the rich (Uncle) and give to himself. His cloak of revolutionary fervour is merely a mask for criminal activity."

Beaver Hateman made clear he was not amused by a US diplomat's description of him . "To be honest with you, we did not suspect that this [criticism] could be made with such arrogance, with such rudeness, and you know, so unethically," he remarked.

Well, perhaps these yanks are not so stupid after all! Alongside such abuses as the slanderous statements made about myself, there are a host of cables, such as those that reveal the true nature of Hateman, that reflect very much better on the United States.

WikiLeaks cables: 'Rude' Uncle shocks US ambassador

2010-11-30T09:16:00.000Z

The following article has appeared in The Badfort News:

The Badfort News

Uncle launched a scathing attack on Badfort anticorruption investigators, journalists and Beavers during an "astonishingly candid" performance at an official engagement that shocked a US diplomat.

Titania Goodfellow, Washington's ambassador to Badfort, recorded in a secret cable that Uncle spoke "cockily" at the brunch with business people, leading a discussion that "verged on the rude".

During the two-hour engagement in 2008 at a hotel in Badgertown, Uncle, who travels the globe boasting about his business prowess, attacked Badfort's corruption investigators "They've got a cheek! suggesting corruption in Badgertown with all their rotten little scams!"

He went on to denounce Badfort News reporters investigating bribery as "those (expletive) journalists … who poke their noses everywhere".

She said the talk turned at another point to allegations of corruption in Badfort: "While claiming that all of them never participated in it and never gave out bribes, one representative of a middle-sized company stated that 'it is sometimes an awful temptation'.

In an astonishing display of candour in a public hotel where the brunch was taking place, all of the businessmen then chorused that nothing gets done in Badfort if Beaver Hateman does not get 'his cut'.

The kind of vindictive statement one would expect from capitalists who fear our great leader's concern for the proletariat.

The US ambassador, a veteran career diplomat who speaks six languages, did not appear to have great regard for Unc's intellect.

Her dispatch included some passages noticeably tinged with sarcasm. In a section headed: "You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps", she wrote: "Again turning thoughtful, Uncle mused that outsiders could do little to change the culture of corruption in Badfort. They are a bunch of anarchists who want a free ride. But if you want to get on in this world you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Look at me - from humble, lowly beginnings, I am now the richest elephant in the world. I did it all myself. No one else can do it for you."

The ambassador also refers to the incident of the stolen bicycle - "One cannot help wondering if this was a one off incident? - can this elephant be trusted?"

It is a pack of lies !

However, I shall be severing all relations with the United States - for a youthful indiscretion to be used by an Ambassador of the United States to blacken my name is unforgivable.

WikiLeaks: Absolutely Furious!

2010-11-29T14:13:00.000Z

The Badfort News is one of a number of newspapers to have advance sight of the 250,000 US State Department classified documents released by the whistle-blower website Wikileaks.

I am absolutely livid at the criticism levelled at myself in some of these cables.

President Obama is supposed to have described me as "a bit pompous and overbearing"!!

Another states"he has an over inflated opinion of his own importance on the world stage"!!!

The material includes a reference to me as "over indulgent - he sure has a big appetite! we ordered in two crates of bananas for one state banquet and he ate the lot!"!!!!

One cable records that during a meeting in January with President Obama, I supposedly implied that a loan to his financially beleaguered company would be dependent upon a rather unusual favour in return:

"I have always fancied my head carved into Mount Rushmore" I am supposed to have said.

Sheer nonsense! This was entirely Mister Obama's suggestion!

In one missive they even have the audacity to criticise royalty - The King of the Badgers no less!

They claim that he 'behaved inappropriately' when President Obama visited Homeward. It seems that:
"The King told the President that he was a bit strapped for cash and asked if he might lend him a few thousand until 'Unc' stumped up another loan"

This is the thanks I get supporting the President, increasing his standing on the international stage by association with myself!

This is the thanks I get for making him welcome at Homeward!!

This is the thanks I get for saving the world from financial ruin!!!

I suspect that this is all because of my speech to congress and my statement that "There are occasions when elephants in Homeward would wish that those in responsible positions in the US might listen and learn from our experiences."

The United Staes catapulted into a worldwide diplomatic crisis today, but nothing will worry them more than the fact that they no longer have a friend in Uncle.

Happiness is a warm kettle

2010-11-26T16:57:00.011Z

As you know, I recently launched my "happiness index" in an attempt to measure the inhabitants of Homewards quality of life as well as economic growth.

There was much snorting and desrision from the Badfort Crowd regarding this endeavour, not surprisingly.

"Try paying yer dwarfs more than two shillings a week, you old skinflint!" lambasted Beaver Hateman in an editorial in The Badfort News.

Damn cheek! - considering that I only charge the dwarfs a farthing a week for a flat, in one of my many towers, you would think that they would all be as happy as larry.

That is why this idea is not woolly and insubstantial, otherwise I wouldn't be bothering with it. We'll continue to measure gross domestic product. But it is high time we admitted that, taken on its own, GDP is an incomplete way of measuring a country's progress. Happiness is not just about money - I may be the richest elephant on the planet, but with it comes many great responsibilities and burdens. Many's the time that I have been working long into the night on the Homeward accounts and listened, with envy, to the loud boisterous singing of the dwarfs in their towers after a busy day down the mines.

Yet, every Saturday when they pay their rent (which includes free electric light and gas for cooking and heating) and collect my presents to them of bananas, raisins and motoring chocolate there are always a few trouble-makers moaning about their neighbour getting more than them.

But that's dwarfs for you - always finding something to gripe and complain about. I think that it must be because they spend so much time underground, mining my gold.

Happiness for Beaver Hateman, it would appear, is leading a good riot.

Somehow, (I suspect by bribing the Dean with Black Tom) he has managed to wangle the post of Professor of Economics at Badgertown University.

He has abused his position by using it to extoll blatant left wing propaganda and has been a bad influence on many of the students.

This week he led them in a 'protest' against tuition fees.

Unfortunately, the police of Badgertown are not very bright. They decided to use a technique of crowd control called 'kettling', to wit, erecting a giant kettle in front of the Town Hall Square.

To prevent the crowd taking over the square they were marshalled into this kettle, the idea being that after a few hours they would become bored and go home.

However, being filled with warm water, it provided an excellent environment for bathing. The students had brought their bathing trunks and a number of lilos. The water was soon bubbling with people and Beaver Hateman was diving from the spout.

They launched a gigantic raft, into the kettle, piled high with food: roast oxen, hams, and copious bottles of Black Tom.

These police tactics are hardly likely to 'dampen' their revolutionary fervour, I fear.

Royal gaffes and wedding guests

2010-11-25T10:08:00.013Z

It has been a very difficult and trying week.

Firstly, due to a vindictive campaign by The Badfort News, I was forced to resign from my duties as The King of the Badgers, unpaid, enterprise guru.

The Badfort News claimed that I had stated "For the vast majority of people in Badgertown today they have never had it so good ever since this recession – this so-called recession - started." and that I had said complaints about spending cuts came from "people who think they have a right for me to support them".

This is a gross distortion of the truth. I do not know how a private conversation between myself and the King of the Badgers became public, although I have my suspicions regarding Hitmouse's usage of phone tapping, but this is not what I said.

I was actually admonishing the King for asking me for yet another loan.

"Dear fellow," he begged "the fact is that I find myself somewhat finanacially embarrassed, my son has decided to get married - could not come at a worse time. He's insisting on the works and, to put it bluntly, I'm skint - any chance of a small loan?"

"Honestly, King there is a recession, you know? with all my loans you have never had it so good ever since this recession started. You seem to think that you have a right for me to support you - it really is not good enough - you must tighten your belt like everyone else!" I admonished him.

"Well," he blustered "I have sold the Duck House! and filled in the Moat!"

Of course, after the article in The Badfort News he described my remarks as inaccurate and offensive!

"Sorry old chap, had to, you know how it is - such a fuss - jolly good of you to resign!" he wheedled.

"Still, plenty of jobs need tackling at the Royal Palace - any chance, you fancy a job organising this bloomin' wedding? - your bash's at Homeward are always splendid!"

"Hmmm - a Royal Wedding? I must admit, that would be a first for me..." I mused.

"Great, knew I could rely on you...just a small matter of the finances..." said the King, clearly embarrassed.

"So you want me to organise it and pay for it!" I exclaimed.

"Splendid, chap! - jolly decent of you!" cut in the King.

"No what do you think of this Katie, then? she's a commoner you know? not sure if its a bit beyond the pale?" asked the King.

"Her family have a ten room burrow in Badgershire - they probably have more money than you!" I said scornfully "and may I remind you of my own humble beginnings in a mere tin shack in the African jungle - are you suggesting that I am in the slightest bit common?!!"

"No offence, old bean - er, any chance of a cheque today do you think?" blustered the King.

Of course, the big problem - will we be able to get away without inviting the Badfort Crowd?

Twitter Trial

2010-11-12T16:13:00.004Z

This week has seen Hitmouse's dubious attempt to overturn his conviction of "menace" for making threats against me in a Twitter "joke".

The judge decided that his comment on the site "I am going to skewer that fat dictator!!" clearly contained menace against my person and Hitmouse must have known that it would be taken seriously.

The judge also cast doubt on his "claim" that he was not refering to me at all but to a barbecue that was to take place at Badfort later that evening. "I woz merely refering to a chicken kebab I intended to prepare for the feast, yus honor!" Hitmouse argued "My life had been made a misery by a particularly truculent chicken that was always telling me wot to do and I intended to char-grill him!" he added.

It did not help his case when it was revealed that the chicken in question had been stolen from Farmer Butterskin Mute.

The judge called the tweet at the centre of the case,"menacing in its content and obviously so. It could not be more clear. Any ordinary elephant reading this would see it in that way and be alarmed."

Representing Hitmouse, Beaver Hateman then argued the defence that the tweet in question was merely part and parcel of the defendants job as a revolutionary anarchist and therefore could not be seen as any more menacing than everyday statements made in the pursuit of his chosen career.

When this did not wash with the Judge, Beaver then claimed that "It was an ill-conceived attempt at humour, m'lud, you should just tell him off for being stupid...", however, before he could continue with his argument, Hitmouse became enraged at being called stupid and skewered Hateman.

The Badfort Crowd then started fighting amongst each over and the trial was adjourned.

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Tuition Fees Rebellion!

2010-11-04T10:04:00.006Z

I was awakened this morning by raucous cries through my bedroom window.

I was flabbergasted to see a group of youths, from Doctor Augustus Lyre's Select School for Young Gentleman, standing by the moat protesting.

Furthermore, I was astounded to see Doctor Lyre, himself, urging them on and denigrating my personage in front of them.

Some nonsense about tuition fees!

As you know, I am the chairman of the Board of Governers. I subsidise the fees for poor students, but it has been necessary, in these difficult economic times to raise the fees from a farthing a month to a halfpenny - for the wealthier students.

I feel the fees are still very reasonable - and could not believe the attitude of the ungrateful scholars.

I went to remonstrate with them - and got a tomato in the eye!

"What's all this about, Lyre?" I demanded.

"Whilst we appreciate all the good works you have done for the school, Sir, I am afraid that I cannot condone your actions - a shilling a week from every student is an impossible demand!" he wept.

"A shilling a week! what are you talking about man?" I declared.

"Don't deny it, Sir," piped up Noddy Ninety "I have been on the receiving end of that bully you have employed as fee collector!"

"Yes, he waits outside the school gates every morning and gives us a good shakedown. He lifts us up and shakes us until he has all our dinner money - he even takes any sweets or lollies we got!" squeaked another of the urchins.

"Arrant nonsense! I am a multi billionaire - what would I want your lollies for!" I shouted.

"What kind of man is this fee collector ?" I quizzed Noddy.

"Oh very smartly dressed, Sir - he has a blue uniform and a badge!" he answered.

"I see...and what is it made of?" I continued.

"Well funny you should mention that, Sir, but it is of a very poor material, a very rough sackcloth - and he is quite uncouth!" Noddy muttered.

"You fools! is this what you call a good education, Lyre? why, they cannot even recognise one of the Badfort Crowd in the crudest of disguises!" I spluttered.

"Oh Sir, have we been duped?" cried Lyre.

"I am afraid so, like many academics your mind is so absorbed in the loftier aspirations of the intellect that you fail to see the baser motivations of the hoi-polloi for monetary gain. I forgive your questioning of my leadership - Cloutman and Gubbins will be at the school gates tomorrow to administer a good kicking up to this fee collector!", I reassured him.

"By the way, Lyre, I think we need to discuss additional tests for the pupils - their spelling on those posters is atrocious!"

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Bye bye

2010-11-01T17:05:00.006Z

No, Don't worry, I will not be giving up on this blog - but I have decided that I will no longer be a twit.

So some anarchist paper misquotes misquotes a humorous interview I gave, which itself misquoted me and now I'm the Antichrist. I give up.

It all started when I was interviewed by Hitmouse for the Badfort News. I should have known better.

He cornered me on the thorny issue of housing benefits - claiming that dwarfs could be driven out of areas with high rents as a result of my drive to reduce the cost of housing subsidies.

This only became an issue because of the fracas that developed between the dwarfs of Tedium Tower and the Crookball of Lonely Tower.

On discovering that the Crookball people had been paying me no rent I decided that they would have to pay me a farthing a week.

However, in order to mitigate this additional expense for the hard working Crookball's I decided to open a shop for them at the top of their tower. I also had a very large jacuzzi installed so that they could have exhilarating baths.

This incensed the dwarfs of Tedium Tower who claimed that the Crookball's were receiving "extravagant" benefits.

I pointed out that there rents were subsidised and that they only paid a halfpenny a month. They are now up in arms because I have given them a jacuzzi but increased their rents to farthing a week!

I made some jocular remarks, which I admit may have been ill considered, but I insist that The Badfort News took them out of context.

“I feel sorry for short men. They are only useful for working down my goldmines.” they claimed I had stated.

My words were misconstrued, Beaver Hateman has claimed that my words were arrogant and deeply shortist, however I was merely pointing out that, as everyone knows, those dwarfs are a bit chippy and always looking to make trouble.

I have had enough - I will no longer be twitting.

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Spending Review

2010-10-20T14:39:00.004+01:00

Alonzo S. Whitebeard, the new Finance Minister in The Badgertown Town Council, has unveiled his plan for getting the Badgertown finances sorted out.

He has put Noddy Ninety, the perpetual schoolboy, in charge of education as well as transport - he does love his steanm trains. Noddy has calculated that he can save 20% on the schools budget by banning soggy cabbage from school lunches. He is alsp pressing ahead with his plans for more steam trains - he says that this will open up many jobs for redundant civil servants as stokers.

The police budget has been severely cut - "This will have a devastating affect on our waistline" cried one badger. However, Whitebeard offered a new definition of waistlines saying that it won't affect the visibility of the police. "Cushions will be supplied to every copper on the beat for them to stuff up their jackets!" he argued.

Benefits are also badly hit. Inhabitants of Badgertown will not be allowed to retire until they are absolutely exhausted. Single badgers will no longer receive housing benefit - they must either get married or take in a family of dwarfs. Social homes for life will also end for all badgers - they must all dig new burrows every year. Ministers believe that 150,000 new affordable burrows can be built in Badgertown, in this manner, between 2011 and 2015.

The arts are a big loser in today's spending review, facing a cut of 30%, which will be seen as devastating to Badgertown's cultural landscape, however Whitebeard has promised every family a box of paints and a lump of modelling clay.

"We expect all the inhabitants of Badgertown to display their work and open up their homes to the public!" declared Whitebeard "thus creating a huge number of new galleries!"

Worst hit, sadly, is my old friend the King of the Badgers. His budget has been cut by 50%, forcing him to open up his palace to paying guests. "I had that Hotel Inspector, off the telly, round and she said my palace was in such a parlous state that she doubted how I could turn it round at all !" he moaned to me.

Not much chance of my many loans to him being repaid in the near future, I fear.

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Mine Rescue

2010-10-14T11:51:00.014+01:00

Of course, the big news story of the last few months has been about the dwarfs trapped in one of my gold mines.

Now, I would not wish blame to the miners for their predicament but it would appear that a number of rather greedy dwarfs discovered a seam of treacle (a bit of a delicacy amongst our vertically challenged brethren) and could not resist opening it up.

This caused a flood of treacle to pass through the tunnels - setting hard within hours.

Unable to escape, the dwarfs took refuge in my food store - 625m below ground.

Luckily, they were not short of food, as it was amply stocked with provisions of casks of ham, bananas, Whooshmeat and Scander biscuits to be used on special occasions such as Feast Days and important banquets.

Not surprisingly, Beaver Hateman attempted to make political capital out of this unfortunate event.

He claimed that "It is because of the capitalist system, favouring the rich capitalists, that mine owners like Unc can get away with lax safety for their workers! The safety and general well-being of workers is never a genuine priority for those in positions of economic and political power. Acting in accordance with the rules of the capitalist system, Unc, sent workers into a situation that he knew was completely unsafe."

Some poor benighted souls were taken in by this propaganda and actually marched in protest!

Before long I had organised a rescue mission using Cowgill's digging machine. Sadly, due to the resistant properties of treacle it has taken us 69 days to reach the dwarfs.

Normally one could easily fit a dozen dwarfs into the digging machine - however they have eaten a year's supply of food in just 69 days! They are so fat we have had to bring them up one by one!

Not content with eating all my food, I have also discovered that they have not managed to mine a single nugget of gold for me because they have been so busy eating!

On top of that they are moaning about wanting damages! Ungrateful misanthropes!

I have a good mind to dock their wages!

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Brothers in Hate

2010-10-12T14:14:00.008+01:00

Of course, the big news event, whilst I have been absent from the interweb, has been the battle for control of the Bad Party between the Hateman brothers.

The poor showing by the Bad Party at the Badgertown Town Council elections led to a tussle for leadership between the Hateman brothers.

I know, astounding as it may seem, after his many years in power, the citizens of Badfort turned against their leader Beaver Hateman and he was forced out of office.

His cousin Sigismund declared "He is bad-tempered miserable old git and it's about time we got rid of him!"

Nailrod and Filljug Hateman immediately put themselves up for the job, closely followed by Hitmouse. In order to make the contest as inclusive as possible Nailrod persuaded some of his supporters to nominate Jellytussle - even though he is quite detested by most of the Badfort Crowd.

Who to choose though? Ideologically speaking, were they that different from each other and, indeed, from their brother Beaver?

Sartorially speaking their was certainly very little difference - both wearing the trademark garb of Badfort, the sack cloth dress. Nailrod looked smarter, and it was later discovered that Ozwald Boateng gave him a discount on two sack cloth suits.

Sharing the politics of their father, the lefty intellectual Ralph 'Roughie' Hateman, they are both commited to the international class struggle and both ran on a platform of bringing down the local capitalist 'gangster' - me.

Not so different to their brother Beaver, then.

In fact, there is so little difference that they both had equal numbers of supporters and much switching of allegiances caused, it would seem, by numerous gifts of Black Tom and Scob fish being offered by the candidates.

It was a very close vote, with Filljug being declared the winner by one vote. That is, until Flabskin cried out "I only voted for him because he gave me a chinese burn!"

At this declaration all hell broke loose. It all kicked off - with the two brothers and their supporters getting into a full scale fight over the issue. It seemed entirely appropriate, to me, that this contest between the brothers would descend into a playground fight.

Their big brother decided to weigh in and sort the two of them out. "Wot you two fink you is doing!!" shouted Beaver, as his two brothers rolled around on the asphalt. "That's enough of your shenanigans - these counteracting tendencies are no way to bring about the collapse of capitalism! Off to bed with you!" he screamed.

"A strong leader - that's what we need!" shouted Hootman. "Hoorah for Beaver! Our great leader!" he added, winking at Beaver, whilst he passed Flabskin a large tankard of Black Tom.

Plus ça change, plus c'est la meme chose.

His cousin Sigismund declared "He is big-hearted genius, and is just the leader we need for these hard times!"

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The Blue Box

2010-10-11T14:09:00.004+01:00

Sorry, for the lack of missives from Homeward over the last few months.

The fact is - you just cannot get the staff these days.

The old codger who writes up my memoirs has been busy on some mad-cap scheme of his own.

This has involved doing up some cottage in Kent, England. Apparently it used to belong to some adventurer called Doctor John Smith.

"Surely, nothing can be more important than the chronicle of my life?" I remonstrated with him. For they have a great significance on world events, do they not?

"But, it has a blue box that is bigger on the inside than the outside!" he wheedled.

"I hardly need to remind you that such things are commonplace here at Homeward!" I argued.

He had no answer to that.

Anyway, if it is of interest to you (which I sincerely doubt) here is a link to the website extolling its virtues.

http://www.doctorjohnsmith.co.uk

Hopefully, normal service will now be resumed and I shall tell you of recent events, here, at Homeward.

Tomorrow, I shall recount the tale of the Hateman brothers struggle for control of the Bad Party.

Helping the King of the Badgers

2010-08-17T09:37:00.005+01:00

The King of the Badgers has asked me to head a Badgertown Town Hall spending review.

I am to identify inefficiencies and savings in Town Hall departments.

For a start, I shall put a stop to the practice of High Tea at 4 o'clock, everyday!

That should save, at least, 2/6d per day on cream buns.

Predictably, the Badfort Crowd have reacted with their usual vitriolic comments.

"He don't even live in Badgertown, or pay taxes there - in fact he don't pay any taxes at all! The King of the Badgers seems to be thrashing around trying to find people who will back up his dodgy plans for the destruction of our public services. What does Unc know about delivering public services on the ground?" said Beaver Hateman.

"We're not wholly surprised that the King of the Badgers has appointed a billionaire, to whom he owes many millions, to say that his cuts, which will devastate services in Badgertown, are 'fair'."

Poppycock! of course, I have wide experience in supplying public services - is it not I who supplies the many dwarfs of Homeward with a cask of herrings, a keg of Turkish Delight and a first-grade cheese every Christmas?

Goodman Infatuation

2010-08-02T19:42:00.005+01:00

One of the followers of my blog, Kate, recently commented:

Dear Uncle,
What a delightful find your blog is! I have been a long-time Uncle fan. Would you be so kind as to post a high resolution photo of your dear cat, Goodman, reading so I may have it engraved on my iPhone case? I would be ever-indebted, kind sir.

Your wish is my command - click on the image below for a high resolution version:

I have to say, however, that I find the public's interest in him rather odd. Yes, he is very efficient at dealing with my correspondence and his postal duties - but he is far too talkative and prone to flights of fancy inculcated by a love of cheap fiction!

It's My Party and I'll ban who I want to

2010-07-23T17:30:00.005+01:00

The Badfort party's latest quest for political respectability collapsed in fiasco when its leader, Beaver Hateman, was barred from the Unc's garden party at Homeward just two hours before it was due to begin after the Old Monkey decided he had exploited his invitation for financial gain.

Announcing the decision, the Old Monkey said brusquely: "Beaver Hateman will be denied entry to today's garden party at Homeward. As you know, it is traditional for there to be a friendly game of spigots at the annual party held on the lawns by the moat. It has been discovered that unusual bets had been laid on the outcome of the game - not only is this illegal and grossly discourteous but I have also been informed that bribes were offered to one player to give our dear Uncle a hefty blow on his trunk, in a feigned miss hit."

Uncle declared "In the prevailing spirit of conciliation, I offered the hand of friendship to my sworn enemy. Why should we only make truce at Christmas? I was willing to offer him hospitality at my annual Summer get together, as well. I was even prepared for the fact that I would have to put up with one or two insulting renditions of 'The Tyrant of Homeward'. But to cheat at Spigots - unforgivable!"

Hateman said "This is quite amazing news. This spurious Spigots story reveals that Unc was desperate for any excuse to bar me. I am held to a different standard to everyone else. The truth is that the fat dictator is frightened of the support the Badfort Crowd receives from the disgruntled, exploited, citizens of Homeward. I don't care anyway - his cucumber sandwiches stink!”

Book Conspiracy

2010-07-22T08:48:00.003+01:00

Brad posted the following comment, here, yesterday:

Dear Uncle,

To spite the Badfort tribe I have a proposition for you. I hope that with your influence and widespread appeal on twitter we may get the remaining four volumes of your biography published. Post the New York Review Books' link to recommend a new title on your twitter: http://www.nybooks.com/books/recommend-book/

Tell everyone to give a spirited plea for a reprint of at least "Uncle and his Detective". I read a statistic that the NYRB only needs to sell around 5000 copies of a book to make a profit on the average cost of the rights to said book. So, if several hundred people write in within a month, let's say, they will know there is business to be had with Uncle. I hope you try this, as I am all eagerness to read your life story to my young niece. You are our favorite presiding pachyderm.

Best Wishes, Brad

What a splendid idea! My biographies are, of course, never out of print, here, at Homeward. Unfortunately, we are not able to offer a mail order service but you are all welcome to come and purchase them at the Homeward Souvenir Shop.

Many a young dwarf has come up to me and thanked me for the sage advice contained within and describing how my many adventures inspired them to turn from a dissolute life to one of entrepreneurship and good citizenry.

The Old Monkey is convinced that there is a conspiracy to keep my books off the shelves, masterminded by disgruntled politicians.

Clearly, sales of my biographies would massively outnumber titles such as 'The Audacity of Hope' or Mister Blair's forthcoming autobiography 'The Journey'.

I, myself, suspect that the answer is closer to home. I have it on good authority that publishers are reluctant to reprint my books out of fear of reprisals from the Badfort Crowd.

My Beach House

2010-07-19T09:34:00.009+01:00

You will have noticed that I have not had the opportunity to pen my adventures, here, on the interweb over the last few months.

The Old Monkey and I have been very busy, recently, overseeing the design and build of my own little Beach House, by Wizard Blenskinsop, at my favourite resort - Sunset Beach.

As you can see, it has been built in the modernist tradition of Homeward. Sadly, the local council refused me permission for a tower in the middle but it has many of the attributes of that great citadel. There are lots of secret passages - and even the Wizard admits that he does not know the purpose or destination of them. There are 120 rooms - 90% of which are underground and can only be accessed via water chutes.

The only blot in the landscape is, as usual, a certain abode at the end of the garden owned by Beaver Hateman and his cronies.

Beaver claims that it was donated to the cause by an old man who claimed to have played a mayor opart in the Russian Revolution of 1917. This seems a fanciful story to me, and I suspect the rumour that he won it in a rigged game of Spigots is nearer the truth.

As you can see, it is an utter eyesore.

It is almost as ugly as Badfort itself.

I have also been busy embracing the new style of politics that is against pointless regulation and unnecessary bureaucracy. I have asked the public of Homeward how they want me to redress the balance between the citizen and myself.

Unfortunately, this has led to the usual silly responses. The dwarfs have said that they want the law repealing that allows the fine old tradition of dwarf throwing.

The grey squirrels want to repeal the requirement to report the sighting of them in your back garden to the Old Monkey. However, everyone knows that they are renowned for their scavenging ways and are not to be trusted.

Beaver Hateman, not surprisingly, wants the law repealed preventing the letting off of fireworks during my speeches.

Coalition

2010-05-12T08:34:00.004+01:00

As you know, the Badgertown Town Council Election resulted in a hung Council.

It appears that the various parties have reached an agreement.

The new Mayor is to be Dave "the biscuit" Macaroon. The new Mayoress will be Nick 'Cream' Custard. This means that he will have to wear a dress, and he is not happy about this - but has agreed to do it for the sake of stable government.

From my point of view, the good news is that Alonzo S. Whitebeard is to be the new Finance Minister.

I am sure that the old miser, whose policy can be summed up as "look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves", will soon have Badgertown's debt under control.

Hopefully, the King of the Badgers will soon start repaying my loans!

Strange Days

2010-05-10T18:11:00.004+01:00

These are strange days, indeed.

The hung Council in Badgertown, following the results of the Council elections has led too much arguing between the mayoral candidates over who is in charge.

Meanwhile, some of the populace are now arguing that attempts should be made to ditch all the present candidates and offer the job to some of the now unemployed members of the British Parliament.

The dwarfs are very keen to recruit Julia Goldsworthy - being mostly gold miners I think that they may just find her name attractive, but by all accounts she was a very good MP for Camborne and Redruth.

They have been protesting on the streets, but met strong opposition from a counter demonstration by members of the Badfort Crowd - who are keen to offer the job to my old friend Gordon Brown.

Hung out to dry

2010-05-07T10:35:00.006+01:00

The King of the Badgers has rung me, in a bit of a tizz over the Badgertown Town Council election results.

"None of the silly blighters has a majority!" he blustered.

"Surely, constitutionally, the incumbent Mayor is supposed to sort it out?", I tried to calm him.

"That old fool Noddy Ninety went off on one of his train jaunts again!" spluttered the King.

"Well, far be it from me to interfere in the democratic processes of Badgertown - but my advice is to invite Alonzo S. Whitebeard to form a government. After all, his policy slogan was "Make Do and Made" - and I think that is what you'll have to do!" I advised.

Vote, Vote, Vote!

2010-05-06T20:29:00.002+01:00

Make Do and Mend

2010-05-04T10:29:00.003+01:00

It seems that Alonzo S. Whitebeard's manifesto for The Badgertown Council Election has struck a chord with the populace.

It would be wrong of me, as the richest elephant in the world and an international celebrity, to try and influence your vote.

However, let us consider the options. Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie has inadvertently let slip in a microphone incident that he thinks badgers are 'a bit smelly'. Whilst we all like to see the human side of our politicians, this remark makes him untenable as the Mayor of Badgertown.

Dave "the biscuit" Macaroon is very charming, however, one cannot in all conciousness vote for a robot. His mechanical nature was revealed yesterday, when his personality chip fell out and he started repetitively intoning "Change...Change...Change..."
He then started fizzing and his skin, which had always looked a bit smooth and plastic, started to melt.

Nick 'Cream' Custard had seemed like a good bet. However, his policy of letting the dwarfs stay in Badgertown, once they have finished digging burrows for the badgers, has not met favour with the voters.

Now, I do find Alonzo's miserliness a tad annoying. I find his jealousy of my vast wealth and his constant scrimping and moaning burdensome. However, his ideas on fiscal policy are clearly what is needed in Badgertown to kerb the Badger King's constant borrowing - from me!

So, without intending to influence your vote, I say Make Do and Mend!

Total Wipeout - The Leader's Debate 3

2010-04-30T14:09:00.005+01:00

Last night was the final Mayoral candidate's debate for The Badgertown Council Election.

Once more, The King of the Badgers decided the format for the debate and, again, based the rules on one of his favourite TV programmes.

This week it was Total Wipeout!

The debate was based in a large pool of water and mud and candidates had to get across their points whilst crossing a large assault course.

Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie was doing quite well, avoiding Dave "the biscuit" Macaroon's and Nick 'Cream' Custrad's sucker punches, however he came unstuck at the Big Balls. These were four large inflatable balls that the candidates had to jump. Gordon was just explaining a difficult piece of fiscal policy when he lost concentration and slipped up.

However, Dave and Nick also came unstuck on the Sweeper. The candidates had to stand on 10-foot-tall podiums, over water, whilst a robotic arm span around in a circular motion attempting to knock them off. Candidates had to time their jumps perfectly to avoid this.

Unfortunately, Dave and Nick were having such a spate about how many dwarfs should be allowed to come to Badgertown that they both were sent flying!

With all the candidates knocked out it looked like it was election game over - but a new candidate has emerged from nowhere!

Alonzo S. Whitebeard has thrown his hat into the ring. He ran out of the audience and effortlessly made it through the "Wipeout Zone"

Alonzo is well known as a great miser.

Apparently, he had lost a penny through a hole in his pocket, it had rolled into the zone and he was determined to retrieve it.

In his efforts to get back his penny he pushed the politicians aside shouting "What do you know about fiscal policy! What we need to do is Make Do and Mend!"

This has now become the slogan of his campaign and has struck a chord with ordinary voter.

"Stop all this extravagant spending - Make Do and Mend!" declared the white whiskered skinflint last night.

Smellygate

2010-04-28T13:17:00.003+01:00

The Badgertown Mayoral candidate Gordon 'Fudge' Brown has been heard describing an elderly badger as a "smelly" in a conversation caught by a microphone as he left a campaign visit in Badgertown.

The conversation was picked up by a microphone that had been placed on his sack-cloth suit to record his conversations during the campaigning visit.

Mrs Handbag had confronted Brown on the subject of putting Badgers first.

She told him: "After all - it is called Badgertown! My family have always liked Beaver Hateman - my father even sung the Red Flag, but now I am ashamed of saying I'm Bad."

After getting into his car, Brown was heard to say: "Pheew! she was a smelly old badger wasn't she?"

Big Society - Small Government

2010-04-26T11:39:00.004+01:00

I follow the Badgertown Town Council Election with much interest.

I find all this talk of a 'Big Society' quite perplexing - it seems not so longer ago that some of the candidates denied even the existence of society!

Here at Homeward we already have a number of big societies! After all, it is a very big place - some parts of which, to this day, remain unexplored and unmapped.

We have Noddy Ninety's Steam Transport Society, the Best Kept Tower Society, the Dwarf Throwing Society, The Spells and General Wizardry Society, The Cocoa Drinker's Society, The Homeward Green Preservation Society and many others.

I, of course, am the Chairelephant of all these commitees. It is an onerous duty, but these responsibilities are the burden that one has to carry when one is the richest elephant in the world.

Homeward has a small government - after all, I own the whole place!

Frontline services are delivered under the auspices of these many great bodies. My many fabulous parties act as a kind of parliament, these are where I keep my trunk on the pulse of our societies. They also provide an opportunity for me to spread the ethos of our community - "be upstanding, pay your rent, and you will have a friend in Uncle"

They also provide an arena for all the latest gossip - mutuality flourishes over a good natter about the latest contestants on "Homeward's Got Talent"!

Here at Homeward, Butterskin Mute toils the land, the many dwarfs toil the gold mines, and Noddy Ninety toils relentlessly to keep the trains on time!

And I toil for all! - for, Homeward is the spiritual capital of the self-sufficient entrepreneur (that's me!)

Blind Date - The Leader's Debate 2

2010-04-23T16:20:00.009+01:00

The stakes were raised for the three Mayoral candidates, Gordon ‘Fudge’ Brownie, Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon and Nick ‘Cream’ Custard as they went head to head for the second televised debate of the 2010 Badgertown Mayoral election campaign.

The King of the Badgers has decided the format for these debates - he appears to have been influenced by the structure of some of his favourite television programmes. This second debate has been based on the popular Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation show ‘Blind Date’.

The compere, Priscilla Badger, began by introducing the young lady who would be questioning the candidates. Edna Average had been selected as the most, statistically verified, ordinary voter of Badgertown.

Priscilla: We’re gonna have a lorra lorra fun tonight so lets meet the luvly lady who gets to choose from our three gorgeous guys. Well, Edna I know that you have got a lorra lorra luvly lot of questions so lets have your first one please!

Edna: Question one to number three, if you had a foreign affairs policy – what would it be!

Nick Custard: I am sure that you are so attractive, I would never even consider having an affair!

Edna: Oooh ur! And number two?

Dave Macaroon: Don’t get caught! Phoaar!

Edna: Hmmm, number three!

Gordon Brownie: You would be my foreign affair - I would whisk you away to Badfort where we could drink Black Tom, wear sack cloth and watch the sun set over Gaby’s Marsh – it don’t get much more romantic than that!

Edna: Sounds entrancing – Question two to number two. If I found you dipping in my purse how would you restore my faith in you?

Dave Macaroon: Zero tolerance! I would resign as your boyfriend immediately - spending the rest of my life pining for you and wondering how I could have been so stupid. Constantly sending you abject letters of apology and red roses – er, no not red roses – green trees!

Edna: I’ve only got a small garden, you know. Number three?

Nick Custard: I would insist on a complete change of the system. I would apologise profusely and buy you a safe to put your money in.

Edna: And what about you number one?

Gordon Brownie: I would not apologise – for I would only have borrowed the money to place a bet on the 2.30 at Badmarket races. I would shower you with the winnings and you would profess undying love for me!

Edna: Ooooh I think I would you know. O.K., Question number three for number one. Will you still need me, will you still love me, when I’m 64?

Gordon Brownie: Course, I would darling! We at the Bad Party don’t believe in retirement cos we never do any work anyway! It’s the good life, innit, all the Scob fish and Black Tom you can eat and drink at Badfort!

Edna: I’m not sure I care for Scob Fish – I have a delicate stomach….what about you number two?

Dave Macaroon: Well, I will look after you, of course. I should be giving you dignity and security in old age, however, not at sixty four. I’m afraid it will have to be nearer sixty seven. Also, I would require £8,000, in case you need nursing. You really can’t expect me to wipe your bottom.

Edna: Huh! Number three?

Nick Custard: I’m quite handy at mending fuses and every summer we can rent a cottage on the Isle of Wight - providing fiscal policy allows.

Edna: My next question – to number two. If I decided to choose all three of you, would a coalition date bother you?

Dave Macaroon: I am afraid that I could not see that working – Gordon is an anarchist and Nick is wet. We would only end up squabbling about who was going to kiss you goodnight.

Edna: Number three?

Nick Custard: Of course it would work – I don’t mind sharing you!

Edna: And number one?

Gordon Brownie: I’ll knock their blocks off – have you seen the size of my club?

Edna: Ummm, yes, moving onto my final question. When Uncle next visits Badgertown will the candidates dissociate themselves from him? Number three?

Nick Custard: Well, I think that Uncle has some good points and some bad points…perhaps we should have a refererendum?

Gordon Brownie: Aw shuddup ! – he’s a bloomin’ tyrant….always throwin’ his massive weight around!

Dave Macaroon: Rubbish! Uncle is a figure to look up to…he embodies the entrepreneurial spirit…a fine example to us all…

Gordon Brownie: Shut yer face, slime ball!

Nick Custard: Now, now there is no need for this bickering…can we not find a consensus?

Priscilla: Well, that was a lorra lorra fascinating political debate…so Edna which one is it to be?

Graham: Yes Edna, whose it to be? Dave, who will look after you into your old age, providing you can stump up the cash ? – or Nick who has no problem with a threesome?, or Gordon who can’t wait to buy you a sack cloth bridal suit?

Edna: None of the above….I choose the incumbent Mayor, Noddy Ninety!

Priscilla: Ooooh, well, I am sure you will have a lorra lorra fun with Noddy even though he is a lorra lorra years old!

I will not act if Council hung

2010-04-22T14:24:00.004+01:00

Rumours circulating that I would interfere in the case of a hung council after the Badgertown elections are baseless.

The suggestion by the Mayoral candidate, Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon is without foundation.

I met with the King of the Badgers yesterday - to discuss his present financial difficulties.

As usual, I was happy to lend him some money - to tide him over - at a very generous rate of interest. A halfpenny in the pound over one year, if you must know.

The idea that I would wish to interfere in the internal poliitics of Badgertown is absurd!

Buy my Biographies in Great Britain here and here

Buy my Biographies in America here and here

Badgertown’s Got Talent – The Leader’s Debate

2010-04-16T09:57:00.005+01:00

Last night saw the first of three televised debates between the candidates for Mayor in the Badgertown elections.

The King of the Badgers has decided the format for theses debates - he appears to have been influenced by the structure of some of his favourite television programmes.

Each candidate was required to sing, dance, or perform in some manner - competing against each other for audience support.

Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon chose to sing his replies. He gave a marvellous rendition of “I've Been Everywhere, man”. In which he listed all the various districts of Badgertown that he had visited and the people he had met. I must say, however, that it became somewhat tedious, as every question was answered with a song. We were treated to performances of “You've got a friend”, “All together now”, and of course the classic “Cumulative current budget deficit blues”

The Bad Party candidate, Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie, decided to answer all questions via a glove puppet effigy of myself. Utterly disgraceful.

The rules of debate forbade the audience from laughing or clapping, but I was furious to see members of the audience covering their mouths and going very red in the face during Gordon’s performances. They were clearly trying to suppress their giggles – something I cannot understand, as there was nothing funny about his antics. Also, I do not go around shrieking, “Where are my bananas?” when asked questions about fiscal policy.

Nick Custard, of the Yellow Mellow Party, did surprisingly well in the debate. I was most impressed by his banana juggling act and his assertion that “Electrical banana Is gonna be a sudden craze. Electrical banana Is bound to be the very next phase.”

He clearly has a grasp on the future direction for Badgertown and the importance of herbaceous plants of the genus Musa in that future.

The incumbent Mayor, Noddy Ninety, fared least well in the debate. He had insisted on setting up his model railway and giving a long lecture on the importance of running the railways on time. He answered every question in a very flat way – as if reading from a timetable. He also had an annoying habit of blowing his whistle at regular intervals claiming that it was time for the candidates to leave the platform or they would miss the last train to Clarksville - “Cause I've made your reservation, don't be slow, Oh, no, no, no,” he stated.

Make of that what you will.

Flights grounded due to ash

2010-04-15T14:44:00.007+01:00

I have been forced to ground all non-emergency flights over Homeward due to a giant plume of ash approaching our airspace.

This appears to have been caused by Hitmouse. The Badfort Crowd have been busy attempting to fulfil their Badgertown election promise of building a future funfair for all.

It would seem that Hitmouse was busy welding together some parts of the giant roller coaster on the edge of Badgertown.

Unfortunately, they had forgotten that they had buried a secret Black Tom dump on the very same site.

Sparks from the welding torch set fire to a vast pile of kegs directly above the vast vat beneath the surface.

Soon the whole place was radiant with a red glare and huge flames rose into the sky.

The dump is still burning with a strong purplish blaze - emitting noxious fumes and a fine ash.

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Macaroon's gone mad!

2010-04-13T12:26:00.002+01:00

I fear that I am going to have to withdraw my support for the campaign to elect Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon as Mayor of Badgertown.

He has just issued his manifesto and I think he must have lost his senses.

He is proposing that the inhabitants will be able to vote on local issues in a style similar to that of popular talent contests!

Apparently the issues will be put before them every Saturday night so that they can weigh up the pros and cons as they eat their pizza!

Already, badgers are parading around with posters proclaiming "I'm the Guv now!"

I cannot bare to imagine what might happen if this ludicrous idea spreads to Homeward.
The dwarfs are argumentative enough as it is!

I see only strife as they struggle for the remote control.

There would be the usual sob stories, as attempts are made to sway the vote - "I have a wooden leg - so please don't raise the taxes on wood." etc; etc;

Dave assures me that it is merely a sop and it will be big business as usual - but I do not think he has realised what he may have let loose!

Badgers insulted by candidate!

2010-04-11T16:07:00.010+01:00

The Badgertown Town Council Election is underway - and already one high profile candidate has had to withdraw.

The Old Monkey's cousin, Mex Monkey, had been standing for a seat in the Potosi district of Badgertown.

He was forced to stand down, however, when it was disciovered that he had made abusive rants about badgers on Twitter.

In one post the monkey complained "the truth is, badgers are smelly." then poked fun at burrow dwellers by branding them "flea infested brocks".

The last straw was when a video was discovered of him pretending to be a member of the Badgertown police force and intimidating a monkey voter into voting for him - when questioned as to why he had no badgers with him he became abusive and claimed not to need any stinking badgers.

The incumbent Mayor, Noddy Ninety, has been accused of allowing celebrity to go to his head. He has been accused of being aggressive and of being obsessed with running the trains on time. One badger complained "he would not let me on the train - he said it was already running late and blew his whistle before I could get on."

There have even been accusations that I am exerting undue influence on the outcome by having a favoured candidate.

They say that I have donated large sums to the campaign to elect Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon as Mayor. This is untrue - I am particularly fond of the almond biscuits made by his company and have merely placed a very large order for them.

The Bad Party have a candidate, Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie, who has stooped to threatening me in a very nasty poster campaign.

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A Global Hero

2010-03-27T19:49:00.009Z

Of course, being a global celebrity one becomes used to a worldwide adoring public - but the Swedish in particular are somewhat obsessed with my crusade for truth and justice! To them I am a hero - but then Homeward TV does so much to support the television output of these smaller countries.

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I have signed darling agreement

2010-03-24T18:07:00.004Z

I have signed a Tax Information Exchange Agreement with the British goverment.

Of course, here at Homeward I have a very lenient taxation level.

I only charge the dwarfs 6d in the pound.

However, this has led to a number of businessmen from abroad abusing the system by becoming non-domiciled in their own countries and using my beloved domain as a tax haven.

I am all too happy to supply the British government with information on these rogues who have clearly lied about their height.

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