Happiness is a warm kettle

As you know, I recently launched my "happiness index" in an attempt to measure the inhabitants of Homewards quality of life as well as economic growth.

There was much snorting and desrision from the Badfort Crowd regarding this endeavour, not surprisingly.

"Try paying yer dwarfs more than two shillings a week, you old skinflint!" lambasted Beaver Hateman in an editorial in The Badfort News.

Damn cheek! - considering that I only charge the dwarfs a farthing a week for a flat, in one of my many towers, you would think that they would all be as happy as larry.

That is why this idea is not woolly and insubstantial, otherwise I wouldn't be bothering with it. We'll continue to measure gross domestic product. But it is high time we admitted that, taken on its own, GDP is an incomplete way of measuring a country's progress. Happiness is not just about money - I may be the richest elephant on the planet, but with it comes many great responsibilities and burdens. Many's the time that I have been working long into the night on the Homeward accounts and listened, with envy, to the loud boisterous singing of the dwarfs in their towers after a busy day down the mines.

Yet, every Saturday when they pay their rent (which includes free electric light and gas for cooking and heating) and collect my presents to them of bananas, raisins and motoring chocolate there are always a few trouble-makers moaning about their neighbour getting more than them.

But that's dwarfs for you - always finding something to gripe and complain about. I think that it must be because they spend so much time underground, mining my gold.

Happiness for Beaver Hateman, it would appear, is leading a good riot.

Somehow, (I suspect by bribing the Dean with Black Tom) he has managed to wangle the post of Professor of Economics at Badgertown University.

He has abused his position by using it to extoll blatant left wing propaganda and has been a bad influence on many of the students.

This week he led them in a 'protest' against tuition fees.

Unfortunately, the police of Badgertown are not very bright. They decided to use a technique of crowd control called 'kettling', to wit, erecting a giant kettle in front of the Town Hall Square.

To prevent the crowd taking over the square they were marshalled into this kettle, the idea being that after a few hours they would become bored and go home.

However, being filled with warm water, it provided an excellent environment for bathing. The students had brought their bathing trunks and a number of lilos. The water was soon bubbling with people and Beaver Hateman was diving from the spout.

They launched a gigantic raft, into the kettle, piled high with food: roast oxen, hams, and copious bottles of Black Tom.

These police tactics are hardly likely to 'dampen' their revolutionary fervour, I fear.