My Diamond Jubilee !

Today marks the start of my Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

Incredible to think that it is 60 years since I bought Homeward from Wizard Blenkinsop !

Since then, I have shouldered the great burden of running this vast domain, with, I hope, good grace.
For, I feel that it has been my duty to instil into Homeward's inhabitants the importance of good citizenship.


Remember, be an upstanding citizen, pay your rent on time and you will always have a friend in Uncle.

Tomorrow, over one thousand boats will muster on the Homeward Moat in preparation for me to take part in the Diamond Jubilee Pageant.

It will be one of the largest flotillas ever assembled on the Moat. Rowed boats and working boats and pleasure vessels of all shapes and sizes will be beautifully dressed with streamers and Uncle Flags, their crews and passengers turned out in their finest rigs. The King of the Badgers has sent his armed forces, fire, police, rescue and other services and they will be afloat behind my leading boat piloted by the inestimable skill of Captain Walrus. There will be an exuberance of historic boats, wooden launches, steam vessels and other boats of note.


The flotilla will be bolstered with passenger boats carrying flag-waving dwarfs placed centre stage (or rather mid-river) in this floating celebration of my 60 year ownership.

The spectacle will be further enhanced with music barges and boats spouting geysers. Moreover, I will be playing a cello rendition of "Hail Glorious Uncle" to inspire the populace!

On Monday, beacons will be lit on all the many towers of Homeward and I will ride in a carriage drawn by The Respectable Horses leading a grand parade.

This will, of course, finish with a Grand Feast and Fireworks !


I have ordered vast casks of ham, kegs of Jubba Jellies and giant trays of Turkish Delight. Singers and jugglers will entertain the crowds at the vast banqueting tables. Also, every inhabitant of Homeward would receive a special gold soveriegn (equivalent to over a years rent) especially engraved with a Diamond Jubilee image of myself by that great artist, Waldovenison Smeare.

As you know, I am normally a rather shy, retiring personage. I detest all the adulation that is bestowed upon me, after all one merely does one's duty - but the Old Monkey insisted that a celebration was in order.

Such a shame that, due to it's poor financial position, Great Britain has not been able to put on such a big bash for it's monarchy. I rather fear that my own celebrations shall, unfortunately, put their own in the shade, somewhat.