The Uncle and Monkey Show

It is an absolute disgrace!

Badfort TV have started beaming a so-called children's puppet show into Homeward.

It is called 'The Uncle and Monkey Show' and features two clear caricatures of The Old Monkey and I.

Yesterdays episode had me getting in a strop about the temperature of my cocoa and giving the monkey a resounding beating with a stick.

It then showed me demanding to have a celebratory parade and boasting about all my achievements, until a Beaver Hateman puppet came in and poured treacle all over me.

I then steal a bicycle, to escape Beaver's jeers, and am chased by a policeman.

Sadly, children seem to enjoy this kind of anarchy - finding it preferable to the Badgertown Broadcasting Company's rather insipid "Blue Peters' presented by a gang of blue dwarfs all called Peter.

But, I will not have the children of Homeward exposed to this blatant propaganda.

If we cannot block the signal then I shall take firm action.

The Grand Rotating Towers of Homeward

I see that plans are underway to attempt to copy the Grand Rotating Towers of Homeward.

They were exciting places to live as they continuously changed shape as each floor rotated around the central axis.

Occupants of an entire floor could control the rotation by voice command, with speeds varying from an hour to three hours for each full rotation.

Also the skyscrapers were powered by the sun and wind so they were very ecological.

But I should have been more wary of their extraordinary design. It did not take Beaver Hateman long to find a fundamental flaw.

One night he and his gang sneaked into Homeward with giant wooden spikes which they rammed into the spokes of the buildings. All the inhabitants were thrown out of their beds as the buildings jarred to a halt. They have never worked properly since - and now have a kind of juddery, grating motion. Nobody wants to live in them anymore so we use them for grinding peppercorn.

You have probably seen the world famous Homeward brand - the only building-ground pepper in the world.