My blog on the planned pension strikes

Strikes are a sign of failure.

They are a sign of failure on both sides and today’s industrial action is a mistake.

Even with just hours to go I would urge both Doctor Lyre and the students of his Select School for Young Gentlemen to think again.

I will always support parents trying to get their children to school, the mother and father who know the value of a day’s education, and the value of being a good upstanding citizen who pays their rent on time.

On behalf of all the dwarfs of Homeward I urge Doctor Lyre and the students to get back around the common room table and sort this out.

I understand why students are so angry with Doctor Lyre. His teaching methods are unorthodox and his set textbook  'History of Lion Tower' is a load of inaccurate, boring rubbish.

But I urge them to think about whether causing disruption in the classroom will help people understand their arguments.

You do not win public backing for an argument about pensions by inconveniencing your parents.

This is not to excuse Doctor Lyre from taking his share of the blame for these pupil strikes.

He has badly mishandled the whole process.

Telling them that it was necessary to confiscate their pocket money, because they needed to start saving for their pensions right now, was reckless and provocative.

The public deserve better. All sides need to get round the table and back to negotiations.

Cristina Odone - get your facts right, please

One has to accept that when one is a world renowned business leader, political figure and all round celebrity, such as myself, that it is inevitable that one's name will crop up frequently in the media.

However, I do wish journalists would get their facts right.

In an article in yesterday's The Telegraph (The Old Monkey informs me that it is a British newspaper) Ms Cristina Odone wrote:

If the worst came to the worst, and her teachers suddenly joined the three-quarters of a million strikers on Thursday, I can entertain my daughter with her favourite “Uncle” books. Or rather, with the early volumes from that quirky Sixties series. The three later books are only available second hand, and are going for more than £1,000. One reason, according to devotees (and J P Martin’s works featuring a fabulously wealthy elephant and his loathsome foe Beaver Hateman command a cult following), is that publisher Jonathan Cape finds the series “classist”. Uncle is unashamed about his wicked wealth, and that, apparently, makes for uncomfortable reading in our egalitarian times. In the week that J K Rowling rewrote the rules of book publishing with her new website for fans, Pottermore, why is the rest of the publishing industry so slothful? Surely some bright spark can bring out replica editions – preferably before the teachers go on strike again.

Once again, undue credit is given to J.P. Martin. He was a lovely man - but he was merely the biographer of my life story. Also, I strongly object to the phrase 'wicked wealth' !

Given, that the many dwarfs of my towers only pay a farthing a week in rent, I hardly think that that my earnings can be described as 'wickedly' acquired. The phrase conjures up images of some Rachmanian slum landlord!

She makes no mention of the great burden that running the vast domain of Homeward places on my shoulders. A burden I happily carry for the greater good. Remember, be an upstanding citizen, pay your rent on time and you will always have a friend in Uncle.

She makes no mention of my great philanthropic works - The Dwarf's Drinking Fountains, to name but one!

She has clearly made no effort to properly research her subject. She holds up the obscure British author J.K.Rowling, and her use of modern technologies, such as the interweb, as an example of how I should be promoting myself !

As my loyal followers will know, I have had a website for many years and one can always read my thoughts and adventures here on this blog!

Here, there is also a School strike this week. The pupils of Doctor Lyre's Select School for Young Gentlemen are all going on strike - they are fed up with all the inaccuracies in Dr Lyre's History of Lion Tower. A singularly tediously boring book.

Let’s Kill Unc

Last night I went through the strange vortex in the Lost Clinkers Cooling Tower.

I know, after the last incident, that I had promised never to repeat the trip – but  I have found myself drawn to it, once again.

Descending in my helicopter, my faithful companion,The Old Monkey and I entered another alternate timestream.

Everything was, again, changed beyond recognition. Time seems to have got itself into a right old mess.

It appears, Beaver Hateman blew me up with a giant duck bomb.

“Sorry mate – had to do it, it were the only way I could to get everything back right in the time continuum – wiv me in charge!” he declared.

Even my vast domain of Homeward was no more – it had turned into a cantankerous old lady who was now demanding rent from me for all the time I had lived in her!

The biggest shock of all was to discover that I was, in fact, married!

I know – as if!

The Old Monkey was furious!

To add insult to injury my wife is not an elephant but a monkey – not even the same species!

The Old Monkey got an even greater shock when he discovered he had a wife and she said my wife was their daughter. Poor thing fainted!

My wife is very tiresome and common – she keeps calling me “Sweetie”!

Even the Old Monkey would not dare to be so familiar – he always calls me “Sir”

Her name is Riverdance, and she is famous for her traditional Irish stepdancing. Tappity tap tap all the bloomin’ day ! What a racket!

I discovered her real name is Stomp Ditch (her mother’s maiden name – says it all really), and she claims she changed her name because they don’t have ditches in the Jungle - but I think she just wanted a more glamorous stage name.

Apparently, I am not well liked in this alternate timestream.

Riverdance says I am a rather pompous Doctor and nobody can read my appalling handwriting.

She says that when she was a baby she was stolen into another timestream by somebody with an eyepatch.

“What pirates, you mean?” I asked irritably.

“No, sweetie – don’t be stupid, they are on our side!” she shouted.

“You have to go and rescue me!” she added.

“But you are here!” I screamed. I was getting quite annoyed now.

“Stupid! You have to go to then so I can be here now!” she screamed back.

I can see that we, clearly, have quite a rocky marriage – I think I might see if I can divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty.

“Yes, that’s why we had to blow you up! Well, that and the fact that you are a fat dictator!” chipped in Beaver – which really only confused me further.

“Yes, we’ve not met, yet.” chimed in Riverdance.

“Yes we have – just now!” I blustered.

“No, stupid! I mean when I was young!” she retorted.

“You mean, I watched you grow up, saw what you became, and still married you?” I exploded.

She gave me a very nasty look.

So, in the end we agreed to go back into the time vortex and try and sort it all out.

“I have made a list of all the things we have to do, Sir.” said the Old Monkey “But, all this timey-wimey stuff is rather confusing, isn't it, Sir?”

“Shall we just go off and have some adventures, instead?” I replied.

“I think that would be a very good idea, Sir” he responded.

Then I woke up. I could hear the Old Monkey running my morning shower.

Thank goodness – all is right with the world.

I thought I must have also dreamt about Beaver Hateman having tea with Sarah Palin – but, of course, that really happened.

I have been a bit naughty

As you know, that pushy Sarah Palin woman tried to invite herself around for tea at Homeward.

I told her, in no uncertain terms, that she would not be welcome. I am not some political trophy - I know that she just wants to shoot me, so she can have a another photo of a world leader on her wall - as if I was endorsing the rather strange lady.

I could not resist it.

I got Cowgill to hack into Beaver's Twitter account and send an invitation to Sarah Palin for tea at Badfort!

The ruse seems to have worked!

Who is Sarah Palin?

Had a letter this morning from some strange woman who wants to invite herself around for a Tea Party!

She says "I am going to Sudan in July and hope to stop at Homeward on the way. I would be happy to pop in for tea, I admire you so much!"

"Who is this Sarah Palin woman?" I asked the Old Monkey.

"Sarah Palin is nuts. Trundling around the world in a bus, apparently, trying to cadge freebie meals with the great and good." he replied "It would be belittling for you to meet her, Sir. I suspect that she has only asked because she has been rejected by Margaret Thatcher!"

Well, Palin will have to make do with meeting Beaver Hateman instead - should be rather amusing!