My Biopic

Interest has been muted, again, in the idea of a biopic of my life story. Last year, doubts were raised, believe it or not, as to whether there would be an audience for a film about a trillionaire elephant! Following the Oscar success, however, of 'Slumdog Millionaire' it would appear that Hollywood is now clamouring for similar rags to riches stories. As you know Mr Frank Cottrell Boyce was very keen - but I was reluctant at the time for my life story to become a 'commodity'. However, I have been persuaded by my good friend, Mister Neil Gaiman, that the Ferret Princess could do my story justice. As you know, badgers are normally not keen on ferrets but even the King of the Badgers has nothing but praise for her. In order to make sure that the film is as I would want it to be, I have set out certain guidelines in the following brief. Firstly, it must be an uplifting film that teaches young children the importance of good citizenship and entrepreneurship. For, a film showing how a lowly elephant from the jungle can rise to greatness is bound to inspire the disaffected youth of today. Secondly, whilst I accept that Beaver Hateman and the Badfort Crowd must feature in the film - it is important that they are portrayed correctly. Due to the eccentric writing style of my biographer, Mister J.P.Martin, many readers have commented that they are actually rather fond of Beaver! It must be made clear that they are nothing but villains - intent on the overthrow of capitalism! You may think that in recent months capitalism has made a pretty good attempt at doing that itself - but let me make it clear, that kind of thinking leads to the sort of anarchy so beloved by Beaver. Finally, I suppose that it is inevitable that some mention has to be made of the incident, with the bicycle, in my callow youth, when I was at University. Behind every great elephant there is always some ignoble event that comes back to haunt him - however much he attempts to make amends. As the Ferret Princess's husband knows only too well. It must be made clear within the film, however, that, I only borrowed the bicycle because I was late for an exam and that there was no way that I could have foreseen that it was shabbily made and unable to sustain my weight. In short, it was crushed. At the time, being a poor student, I was unable to make recompense. But it is a well known fact that, as described in Volume 1 of my biography, I have since more than made up for the incident. I sent the owner a cheque for £2,000, six hundred casks of herrings, a thousand kegs of Turkish Delight, and fifty thousand first-grade cheeses. I think that the bestowing of these gifts would make a first rate scene in the movie. Many of you have asked why, with my writing skills, I do not write the script myself? I did consider it - but the Old Monkey feels that I am far to modest to do the story justice.