Helping the King of the Badgers

The King of the Badgers has asked me to head a Badgertown Town Hall spending review.

I am to identify inefficiencies and savings in Town Hall departments.

For a start, I shall put a stop to the practice of High Tea at 4 o'clock, everyday!

That should save, at least, 2/6d per day on cream buns.

Predictably, the Badfort Crowd have reacted with their usual vitriolic comments.

"He don't even live in Badgertown, or pay taxes there - in fact he don't pay any taxes at all! The King of the Badgers seems to be thrashing around trying to find people who will back up his dodgy plans for the destruction of our public services. What does Unc know about delivering public services on the ground?" said Beaver Hateman.

"We're not wholly surprised that the King of the Badgers has appointed a billionaire, to whom he owes many millions, to say that his cuts, which will devastate services in Badgertown, are 'fair'."

Poppycock! of course, I have wide experience in supplying public services - is it not I who supplies the many dwarfs of Homeward with a cask of herrings, a keg of Turkish Delight and a first-grade cheese every Christmas?

Goodman Infatuation

One of the followers of my blog, Kate, recently commented:

Dear Uncle,
What a delightful find your blog is! I have been a long-time Uncle fan. Would you be so kind as to post a high resolution photo of your dear cat, Goodman, reading so I may have it engraved on my iPhone case? I would be ever-indebted, kind sir.

Your wish is my command - click on the image below for a high resolution version:



I have to say, however, that I find the public's interest in him rather odd. Yes, he is very efficient at dealing with my correspondence and his postal duties - but he is far too talkative and prone to flights of fancy inculcated by a love of cheap fiction!

It's My Party and I'll ban who I want to

The Badfort party's latest quest for political respectability collapsed in fiasco when its leader, Beaver Hateman, was barred from the Unc's garden party at Homeward just two hours before it was due to begin after the Old Monkey decided he had exploited his invitation for financial gain.

Announcing the decision, the Old Monkey said brusquely: "Beaver Hateman will be denied entry to today's garden party at Homeward. As you know, it is traditional for there to be a friendly game of spigots at the annual party held on the lawns by the moat. It has been discovered that unusual bets had been laid on the outcome of the game - not only is this illegal and grossly discourteous but I have also been informed that bribes were offered to one player to give our dear Uncle a hefty blow on his trunk, in a feigned miss hit."

Uncle declared "In the prevailing spirit of conciliation, I offered the hand of friendship to my sworn enemy. Why should we only make truce at Christmas? I was willing to offer him hospitality at my annual Summer get together, as well. I was even prepared for the fact that I would have to put up with one or two insulting renditions of 'The Tyrant of Homeward'. But to cheat at Spigots - unforgivable!"

Hateman said "This is quite amazing news. This spurious Spigots story reveals that Unc was desperate for any excuse to bar me. I am held to a different standard to everyone else. The truth is that the fat dictator is frightened of the support the Badfort Crowd receives from the disgruntled, exploited, citizens of Homeward. I don't care anyway - his cucumber sandwiches stink!”

Book Conspiracy

Brad posted the following comment, here, yesterday:

Dear Uncle,

To spite the Badfort tribe I have a proposition for you. I hope that with your influence and widespread appeal on twitter we may get the remaining four volumes of your biography published. Post the New York Review Books' link to recommend a new title on your twitter: http://www.nybooks.com/books/recommend-book/

Tell everyone to give a spirited plea for a reprint of at least "Uncle and his Detective". I read a statistic that the NYRB only needs to sell around 5000 copies of a book to make a profit on the average cost of the rights to said book. So, if several hundred people write in within a month, let's say, they will know there is business to be had with Uncle. I hope you try this, as I am all eagerness to read your life story to my young niece. You are our favorite presiding pachyderm.

Best Wishes, Brad

What a splendid idea! My biographies are, of course, never out of print, here, at Homeward. Unfortunately, we are not able to offer a mail order service but you are all welcome to come and purchase them at the Homeward Souvenir Shop.

Many a young dwarf has come up to me and thanked me for the sage advice contained within and describing how my many adventures inspired them to turn from a dissolute life to one of entrepreneurship and good citizenry.

The Old Monkey is convinced that there is a conspiracy to keep my books off the shelves, masterminded by disgruntled politicians.

Clearly, sales of my biographies would massively outnumber titles such as 'The Audacity of Hope' or Mister Blair's forthcoming autobiography 'The Journey'.

I, myself, suspect that the answer is closer to home. I have it on good authority that publishers are reluctant to reprint my books out of fear of reprisals from the Badfort Crowd.

My Beach House

You will have noticed that I have not had the opportunity to pen my adventures, here, on the interweb over the last few months.

The Old Monkey and I have been very busy, recently, overseeing the design and build of my own little Beach House, by Wizard Blenskinsop, at my favourite resort - Sunset Beach.



As you can see, it has been built in the modernist tradition of Homeward. Sadly, the local council refused me permission for a tower in the middle but it has many of the attributes of that great citadel. There are lots of secret passages - and even the Wizard admits that he does not know the purpose or destination of them. There are 120 rooms - 90% of which are underground and can only be accessed via water chutes.

The only blot in the landscape is, as usual, a certain abode at the end of the garden owned by Beaver Hateman and his cronies.

Beaver claims that it was donated to the cause by an old man who claimed to have played a mayor opart in the Russian Revolution of 1917. This seems a fanciful story to me, and I suspect the rumour that he won it in a rigged game of Spigots is nearer the truth.

As you can see, it is an utter eyesore.



It is almost as ugly as Badfort itself.

I have also been busy embracing the new style of politics that is against pointless regulation and unnecessary bureaucracy. I have asked the public of Homeward how they want me to redress the balance between the citizen and myself.

Unfortunately, this has led to the usual silly responses. The dwarfs have said that they want the law repealing that allows the fine old tradition of dwarf throwing.

The grey squirrels want to repeal the requirement to report the sighting of them in your back garden to the Old Monkey. However, everyone knows that they are renowned for their scavenging ways and are not to be trusted.

Beaver Hateman, not surprisingly, wants the law repealed preventing the letting off of fireworks during my speeches.

Coalition

As you know, the Badgertown Town Council Election resulted in a hung Council.

It appears that the various parties have reached an agreement.

The new Mayor is to be Dave "the biscuit" Macaroon. The new Mayoress will be Nick 'Cream' Custard. This means that he will have to wear a dress, and he is not happy about this - but has agreed to do it for the sake of stable government.

From my point of view, the good news is that Alonzo S. Whitebeard is to be the new Finance Minister.

I am sure that the old miser, whose policy can be summed up as "look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves", will soon have Badgertown's debt under control.

Hopefully, the King of the Badgers will soon start repaying my loans!

Strange Days

These are strange days, indeed.

The hung Council in Badgertown, following the results of the Council elections has led too much arguing between the mayoral candidates over who is in charge.

Meanwhile, some of the populace are now arguing that attempts should be made to ditch all the present candidates and offer the job to some of the now unemployed members of the British Parliament.

The dwarfs are very keen to recruit Julia Goldsworthy - being mostly gold miners I think that they may just find her name attractive, but by all accounts she was a very good MP for Camborne and Redruth.

They have been protesting on the streets, but met strong opposition from a counter demonstration by members of the Badfort Crowd - who are keen to offer the job to my old friend Gordon Brown.