Schools free-for-all

  

Here at Homeward, I am very proud of the free education we offer young children.

I am, of course, the chairman of the Board of Governors for Doctor Augustus Lyre's Select School for Young Gentleman (An unfortunate name - his real name is simply 'Liar'. He usually spells it 'Lyre' - only sometimes he forgets, being absent-minded, and signs his letters A.Liar, and this amuses the boys very much)

The school is very large, and does have a lot of pupils. One room is so long that it is hard for the Doctor to see the boys - but it is full of underground passages and if a boy wants to see him he justs dives into a hole by his desk, walks along a passage and pops up near the Doctor's desk.

Every tower, at Homeward, has its own school, each with a different ethos, so there is plenty of parental choice.

However, The King of the Badgers has insisted that Badgertown must have 'free' schools. I don't really understand what he means by this - after all, all the schools are free to attend - even Doctor Lyre's.

I suspect that he was put up to it by the Badfort Crowd - they have accused me of being dictatorial and far too controlling. Utter nonsense!

Of course this has resulted in allsorts of madcap schools being set up.

Steiner Brashburg has set up a Steiner school. I know that you will be thinking, like myself, what on earth does an antique dealer know about education?

Well, he has the pupils dancing around in a most strange manner and insists it is good for their health.

Frankly, he is barking mad.

Not surprisingly, the Badfort Crowd have got in on the act. Beaver Hateman has set up the Sickford Foundation. He has only managed to get 37 pupils despite offering them a free school uniform (made from sackcloth) free Scob fish and Black Tom, and a state-of-the-art little red ePod.

The school is run along military lines. The pupils are trained in the use of skewers and duck bombs.

My detective A.B.Fox undertook surveillance, on my behalf, of a so called 'lesson' and reported back.

"Hateman told them, Sir, that he would only reward them if their work was rubbish but showed appropriate revolutionary zeal. There then followed a question and answer session. Hateman would shout a phrase and they would respond" he stated.

"What was the subject?" I inquired.

"Well, actually, it was you, Sir" he replied. "Hateman shouted "Who stole a bicycle?" and they replied "Uncle!", next he shouted "Whose a big fat tyrant!" and they responded "Uncle!"

"Enough! - I get the picture, did they do any proper lessons?" I asked.

"They did do some mathematics. Hateman asked "If one bottle of Black Tom makes me merry, how many bottles would it take me to get totally plastered?". But I am afraid that all their answers fell well short of the correct answer, Sir.' answered A.B.Fox.

It is a disgrace! I fear for the education of our young people.

 

Hoof and Claw Trimming Clinic

 

Here at Homeward we are very proud of the fact that our health services are free of charge. After all, all those dwarfs and animals who pay my rents deserve to be well looked after.

I established the HHS (Homeward Health Service) and the Hoof-&-Clawing-Trimming Clinic at the same time as the Dwarfs’ Drinking Fountains. Another one of my good deeds that I wish people would not keep going on about.

My castle is so vast that I am apt to forget where things are, but I was keen to check up on the Clinic’s progress and so a asked Will Shudder to bring up the great volume called A.B.C.Guide to Homeward to find our way.

It was a long journey, but eventually we came out of the lift which went down to Wolf Meadow. Before us was a small wooden hut in the middle of a bright green meadow with fir trees growing around it. On the roof was painted, in white,  BRANSTON CLINIC.

“It should say FREE not BRANSTON!” I muttered disapprovingly.

When we got near the hut we saw that a number of wolves, badgers and goats were sitting on a bench near the door. Most of them had bandaged feet. All at once the door of the hut opened and a big black wolf with a knife in his paw looked out.

“Next,” he shouted, in a rancid voice “No sixpence, no treatment!”

Then he saw me.

“If that big lump of an elephant is coming for treatment,” he shouted, “let me thell him that it will be a shilling for him! Elephant nails need some paring!”

I had had enough. I said sternly “What is your name?”

“Ricardo Branston, M.D.” replied the black wolf. “Medical Doctor?” I queried. “No, Managing Director!” he smirked “And what is your name, fatso?”

“I am Uncle, the owner of this castle,” I said coldly, “and I am a Batchelor of Arts, but I don’t mention it every time I say who I am. I am here to make a thorough investigation of this clinic.”

Ricardo Branston seemed to shrink. “All is in order, Sir” he faltered.

“This clinic was started”, I continued, gravely, “to give free hoof-and-claw treatment to those in need of it., yet I find you demanding sixpence for each treatment!”

“I am an entrepreneur – it’s free enterprise!” screamed Branston.

“It is nothing of the kind!” I shouted back “It is opportunism of the worst kind! – now I’m going to clean up this clinic and I propose to give back any money I find to your patients!”

“You won’t find any,” said Branston “I’ve spent it on Black Tom.”

“Black Tom! The foul drink manufactured by the Badfort Crowd! And you a medical man! I don’t believe you. Search the place, boys.”

“No need to search. Sixpences are under carpet, Sir” interjected the One-Armed Badger.

“This is a sad sight, Branston. You have lied to me and robbed all these people.” I declared.

“I was saving up to buy a rocket and go into space!” sobbed Branston.

“I have a rocket, you only needed to be a good citizen and you would have had a friend in Uncle. Your wish could have come true without stealing from the taxpayers of Homeward. These sixpences must be returned!”

The money was distributed and shouts of joy resounded everywhere.

How the Shard measures up

As you know, Homeward has hundreds of towers all joined together and it is surrounded by a moat with a drawbridge over it... The towers are of many colours, and there are bathing pools and gardens among them.

However, many have contacted me asking how big Homeward actually is?

It is difficult to get a sense of its scale when seen alongside photos of myself.

This handy diagram should give you some idea.

The latest addition to the London skyline, "The Shard", celebrates its completion with plenty of British pomp this week.

As you can see, it is puny in comparison to our own "Uncle Tower"

Five secrets to starting a business and making it work

Here's a free extract from my new book, Like an Elephant, where you can discover the secrets they won’t teach you at business school.

There are two questions I get asked all the time. The most popular is ‘How did your vast domain come to be called Homeward?’ A close second is ‘What’s your secret to successfully building businesses?’

The first is easy to answer - it was called that when I bought it.

The second one always takes some thinking about. The fact is that there’s no one thing that characterises all my successful ventures.

Reflecting across the years, however, I have come up with five secrets for improving the chances of a new business surviving and with luck – something I don't need – flourishing.

 1. If you don’t enjoy it you just have to grin and bear it

Starting a business takes huge amounts of hard work. When I started as an entrepreneur, from humble beginnings, I had a great plan and strategy. I set out to build a business empire. I simply wanted to to buy a huge property and charge vast numbers of dwarfs a fair but lucrative rent.

For me, building a business is all about doing something to be proud of, bringing people together and turning them into good citizens. Remember, be an upstanding citizen, pay your rent on time and you will always have a friend in Uncle.

Business people are not like artists. Thank goodness. What you have when you start a company is a blank canvas; but unlike an artist you have to fill it quickly. Rothko knew what he was doing business-wise.

Like an artist, if you make a mistake paint over it and hope that no one spots it. That is what Murdoch and Diamond tried to do but unfortunately, for them, their hands were dirty and it smeared the canvas.

If a businessperson is good at ducking and diving, he or she will be able to pay the bills and have a successful business to boot.

2. Be innovative – create lots of different things

Whether you have a product, a service or a brand, it is not easy to start a company and to survive and thrive in the modern world. In fact, you’ve got to do something radically different to make your mark today.

Look at the most successful businesses of the past twenty years. Well, there is only mine really.

I am the dominant force in global economics. Not everyone can aspire to such levels; however, should you decide to enter an already crowded segment you had better be ready to offer services that no one else can offer. Because Homeward is mine and I won't let them.

When I started the Homeward Laundrette the positive buzz that I created focused on the simple fact that there were no other laundrettes in Homeward. Go figure – a monopoly - what a breakthrough idea!

3. Pride works wonders

Businesses are nothing more than a group of people, or one big elephant. I am by far and away my biggest asset. In fact in probably the majority of businesses selling to your own staff is a whizz idea.
For me there is nothing sadder than hearing someone being apologetic about the place where they are working. So I dock their wages if they moan. This is a very useful added revenue stream.

4. Lead by telling

To be a good leader you need to tell people what to do. You need to know your own mind, and tell people what you want them to do. People find it very confusing having to think for themselves and prefer being told what to do. However it is no good imposing your views on others without the appearance of debate and a degree of consensus. Give people an opportunity to suck up to you, lavish praise on them, applaud a job well done, give them the occasional smile. This way they are less likely to cause problems if you have to refuse a pay rise or even cut their wages!


5. Be visible

A good leader doesn’t get stuck behind a desk, even one as big as me - because I have a special very large desk. I’ve never worked in an office – I’ve always worked from my lavish apartments, here at Homeward – but I am constantly out and about, meeting people encouraging them and partaking in my many charitable projects.

It seems I am travelling all the time but I always have a notebook handy to jot down the names of troublemakers.

I always try hard to meet as many of my tenants as possible, and will usually come away with a dozen or more suggestions. Most of these I ignore - dwarfs are a querulous bunch.  Putting their names in the infamous notebook acts as a warning that I have got their number and they better not cause any trouble.

Some might say, ‘Well, all that’s easy when you are a multi-billionaire’, but as the Old Monkey says, Many a mickle makes a muckle !


More extracts to follow in further blogs - you might want to bookmark this.

Homeward Olympics 2012

Once again the International Olympic Commitee have refused to allow Homeward to take part in the Olympic Games.

With over 10,000 human competitors taking part in more than 20 sports, the Olympic battle of better physiques leaves out the other millions of species with specialised skills.

Why? because the organisers refuse to let the domination of humans in the games be overturned !


A cheetah can reach speeds up to 75  miles per hour! The fastest speed clocked by a human, Usain Bolt is a measly 27.45 mph.

If the cheetah's burst could be sustained, its sprint would lap the circumference of the Earth in 10 days, as opposed to the 10 months that several hundred human relay runners carry today's Olympic torches.

Tigers can leap as high as 5m (16ft) and as far as 9-10m (30-33ft), making them one of the highest jumping mammals. 

Diving - the leatherback turtle descends as deep as 1,230m - the deepest dive ever recorded.

Polar bears are excellent swimmers and can sustain a pace of 10kph (6.2mph). They can swim for several hours at a time over long distances - some have been tracked swimming continuously for 100km (62 miles)

As for weightlifting - well yours truly can pick up a one-tonne weight with his trunk - no land animal can lift as much weight as that!

In the Olympic sprint, the ostrich could reach speeds twice as fast as the fastest human sprint. If the Olympics is a fair competition among the best on the planet, it would appear human vanity is the only attribute with its head buried in the sand.

In most cases of physical competition, animals can beat humans at their own games.

The only concession the IOC was willing to make was to allow the Homeward dwarfs to take part - but only if they agree to be in the Paralympics ! - clearly afraid that in all events where being immensely strong and small was an advantage we would win all the medals!

So, once again, we will be holding our own Homeward Olympics this summer - open to all !

Even the Badfort Crowd. As humans they were qualified to enter the Olympics, in London, but when they discovered that, under the sponsorship rules, they would only be allowed to drink Coca-Cola they pulled out.

The thought of two weeks without a tipple of Black Tom was a far greater challenge than any of the sporting events.

Like an Elephant

I didn't go to business school. But I have picked up a few ideas along the way that I'm quite sure you can't learn there anyway.

In my new book, Like an Elephant, you can discover the secrets they don’t teach you in business school too, from leadership to dealing with negativity, holidays to team-building.

Starting a business and running the great domain of Homeward, takes huge amounts of hard work and time so you had better enjoy doing it.

It's the same with this book, so don't expect dry business jargon. This is about real-life experiences, my early struggles pulling myself by my bootstraps from a life of poverty, usable business advice. Having fun along the way, with lots of feasts and exciting adventures.

Bank Shenanigans

It looked like being a bad week for the King of the Badgers.

He was roundly criticised for making his twelve year old daughter do an interview on Newsnight, with Jeremy Paxbadger, to explain his u-turn on fuel tax. She looked hesitant as she explained that she thought Daddy would probably pay for it by stopping her pocket money and was visibly upset contemplating this.

The King of the Badgers was branded a miserable coward for not facing Paxbo himself.

However, his swift action over the Badger Bank scandal has been welcomed by all and praised by many.

As with all financial scandals the technical details are complex and difficult to explain.

However, it would seem that one evening, after the bank had closed for the day, a loud scream attracted the attention of security guards. On investigating, they discovered the bank manager, Bob 'Rough' Diamond, with his paw stuck in one of the tills. Unbeknown to him, that till possessed a tight spring-clip leaving him completely unable to extricate his paw.

Bob 'Rough' Diamond insisted that he would resign. However, The King of the Badgers, knowing that this would nean that Bob would still be in line for multimillion pound share payout, declared that Bob would have to stay on at the bank for another 30 years as a tea boy on 2/6d a week before he could retire and cash in his shares.

Badgers can be fierce animals when riled.