The Great Fatsby ! - How Rude !

The Old Monkey came in this morning with a copy of that scurrilous rag "The Badfort News".

The headline read "The Great Fatsby Returns" and inside was the usual slanderous gossip one has come to expect from Hitmouse, their chief reporter:

"Uncle arrived back at Homeward airport in his giant blimp yesterday - or should one say the giant blimp returned in his gargantuan airship!

Rumour has it that he was on another of his missions to extract monies from the King of the Badgers in repayment of one of his loans at usurious interest rates."

Typical Badfort lies !

I have to say I was somewhat perplexed as to how the Badfort Crowd had managed to get a photo from high above Homeward.

"If they are able to penetrate our airspace, in this way, they may well be able to infiltrate our defences!" I remarked to the Old Monkey.

It was not long before we had an answer.

We were all sitting on the terrace, having elevenses of cocoa and bananas, when Goodman appeared carrying a pigeon in his mouth.

"Caught him snooping around, Sir,!" he mumbled.

The said pigeon had a camera strapped to his chest. We interrogated him, and soon discovered that he was in the employ of Hitmouse.

"He pays me peanuts." he squawked.

"Well, that is no surprise," I declared "the Badfort Crowd are renowned cheapskates!"

"No, Sir, I think he means that he is literally paid in peanuts." explained the Old Monkey.

"Hmmm, well how does a bag of  popping corn, dried green peas and toasted wholemeal bread, a day sound as an incentive to change sides to the good guys?" I remarked.

Needless to say, we soon had a new recruit. At last, we may discover the secrets of Badfort castle !

Read all about me in the world wide webosphere and in print !

You will be very pleased to know that the website about me http://uncle-tv.com/ has been updated with all the latest news.

It is full of inaccuracies, of course.

It is amazing how many people have fallen for the idea, put around by my biographer, that my life is a work of fiction created by the Reverend Martin !

However, it has some interesting facts about my good works and the nefarious Badfort Crowd.

The economic importance of getting your sums right

You may have read the news of the 28 year old student (how long do youngsters need at school these days?) who discovered that two Harvard professors could not add up properly.

Rather an important issue, given that goverments appear to have decided to base their policies on their findings!

It brought to mind the scandalous mystery of the Badfort Rate Rebate - another case of figures just not adding up right.

I remember, one morning, getting a very agitated telephone call from the King of the Badgers.

"You must come over, at once, Uncle - it is inexplicable problem - it makes no sense at all. We need a great mind, such as your own, to find a solution!" he wept.

I arrived at his Palace to find him in a very distraught state.

"My economists have tried again and again, but the sum still works out the same - as you can see there is one blue ball still in the deficit column - they say that it means I owe Badfort one million pounds as a rate rebate !" he cried. "I do not know what we shall do - I suppose I shall have to sell the crown jewels!"

"I see...can you remember when the Badfort Crowd last paid any rates?" I inquired.

"Ummm, well, no actually? - 1964 I think?" he responded in a perplexed manner.

"Well then, unless they overpaid by a considerable amount, the calculations would seem somewhat unlikely" I replied "Let me have a look at this abacus your economists have been using"

I soon spotted a fundamental error in the economists calculations.

"It seems to have escaped their notice - but I deduce, from a quick perusal, that your abacus has 11 blue balls. Where did your economic professors acquire this device?" I asked.

"Fetch the economists!" demanded the King.

Two rather fusty old men were brought before the King. They were rather irate and irritable and one began a tirade against me:

 "Let me begin by saying that we are both highly qualified Harvard professors, we do not need the advice of some amateur elephant, with no economic qualifications, telling us how to conduct our business. We have no doubts of the facts - the King of the Badgers needs to pay the Badfort Crowd one million pounds and must adopt austere measures to do so..."

"Enough!" I interrupted "Where did you buy this abacus?"

"In the interests of austerity we did, of course, buy the cheapest model available. We bought it from a rather grumpy man in a sackcloth suit at the market - he assured us of its fine qualities!" retorted the other economist, with the long beard.

I picked the abacus up and observed the "Made in Badfort' sticker on the bottom.

Mystery solved.

How should we honour her?

I was very sad to hear the news of the death of Baroness Thatcher.

She did so much to help us here at Homeward.

The 1980's were a particularly difficult time for our Gold mining industry. The dwarfs were exhausted - there was just too much gold buried deep beneath my vast domain.

Luckily, for us, she decided that mining coal in the United Kingdom was a complete waste of time - so, lots of jolly hard working miners emigrated here to help out the dwarfs. They were very pleased with the assistance - not least because this meant they had much bigger tunnels to work in !

We have decided to commemorate her memory by erecting a statue of her dressed as a miner - to symbolise the great service she did for dear Homeward !

Apart from helping us out with mining, the emigrants from Great Britain have also enabled us to have one of the best Brass Bands in the world.

Uncle and his Good Deeds

The Old Monkey and I had a meeting, today, with Mr Marcus Gipps - regarding the forthcoming republication of my biographies in the United Kingdom.

We all agreed that a good title for the 6 volume opus would be 'Uncle and his Good Deeds' - it helps convey the many charitable works I undertake during the biographies.

I think Marcus was also in agreement that far too much of the biographies are taken up with the antics of the Badfort Crowd. It would be much better to concentrate on my civic work and the toils, tribulations and organisational skills involved in running a vast domain.

There is always the danger that young, impressionable minds will find the Badfort Crowd's louche behaviour, disreputable and sordid as it is, appealing- in a rakish way.

Look at how history has rewritten the appalling thievery of Robin Hood - he is now seen as some sort of heroic outlaw!

I don't think it would be a problem to rewrite sections of my biographies - perhaps the Badfort Crowd could be seen to see the error of their ways and decide to spend their lives, henceforth, aiding me in my charitable works?

There will be those, I suppose, that will argue that it is wrong to rewrite the past. My simple question to you would be - What is more important? historical verisimilitude? or the hearts and minds of our young people?

It was very good of Marcus to make time, on this first day of the month, a bank holiday, to meet with us and discuss these improvements.

The Complete Me

Mister Marcus Gipps project to reprint all the volumes of my biographies in the U.K. is now up and running here:

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/927369773/the-complete-uncle-by-jp-martin-and-quentin-blake

Not surprisingly, he is already close to his target even though it has been up for only a few hours !

For too long the people of that forsaken isle have been bereft of my words of wisdom - on good citizenship and the importance of charitable giving.

No doubt, Marcus will soon be in touch so I can assist him in editing out any unnecessary references to my past and to the more dubious exploits of the Badfort Crowd. I am filling my fountain pen with red ink at this very moment !

Applications considered

 The recent news on the republication of my biographies in Great Britain has caused me to dwell on the need to chronicle the events that have occurred in my life since the final volume by the late J.P.Martin. 

It is a decision I have put off for some time. What writer could follow in the footsteps of that scholarly Reverend ?

The old Monkey has suggested Mr Neil Gaiman. I am a great admirer of his many works - but is his style too fantastical and whimsical for the depiction of the minutiae of my many civic duties?

Collaboration with Mr Terry Pratchett has also been proposed, but his work has a satirical edge that would, I believe, be totally inappropriate for a serious tome depicting my many duties.

Will Shudder put forward his namesake, Mr Will Self. Completely out of the question. He would get everything back to front and all over the place. It would just give everyone a terrible headache, reading his version of events.

My personal favourite at the moment is double Man Booker prize winner Ms Hilary Mantel.

I feel that her experience would enable her to produce a well-rounded portrait of a pragmatic and talented elephant, such as myself, attempting to serve the people of Homeward amid the political machinations of the Badfort Crowd.

She has proved herself more than able to flesh out the historical fact of a life to produce a complete and compelling characterisation.

I am also sure that she can be relied upon to forswear any mention of bicycles.