Monday, 22 February 2010

Old Monkey denies Uncle ‘bullying’ claims

Yesterday the Badfort News printed an absolute pack of lies about my conduct.

You can be read them here - but I warn you, they are shocking and quite scurrilous!

My trusted companion, The Old Monkey, has given an interview to the Homeward Gazette refuting these malicious allegations.

He said "Uncle is very demanding of people, he's demanding of himself... He knows what he wants to do, he does not like taking no for an answer from anyone.

"On the way yes, there is a degree of impatience about the elephant, but what would you like? Some sort of shrinking violet at the helm when we are constantly being attacked by the Badfort Crowd?"

"I don't recognise this portrayal of him, he has always been most kind to me, he gives me 6d every Friday - on top of my wages!"

"I have known him for many years, during his initial struggles - his sole starting capital was a halfpenny, but he built up his fortune on this principle - to do the other person and himself good at the same time!

He is always in sympathy with those less fortunate than himself - there is no way that he would administer a kicking up to one of his aides!"

How kind of the Old Monkey. Of course you do get angry, mostly with yourself. But I'm very strong-willed, I'm very determined. Have I not always said, be upright, pay your rent, avoid brawling and disorder, and you will find Uncle a friend and protector at all times!

Buy my Biographies in Great Britain here and here

Buy my Biographies in America here and here

Friday, 12 February 2010

Badfort Winter Olympics 2010

Unbelievably, the Badgertown Olympic Winter Games are being hosted by Badfort!

There have been rumours that Beaver Hateman bribed some official at the Town Hall with a cask of Black Tom - but we have not been able to finf any evidence.

One just has to try and make the best of it, I suppose.

Of course, Beaver and his cronies just see this as another dubious revenue stream. The catering contract has been awarded to Sigismund Hateman. I was not amused to find that a bucket of cocoa cost £95 5s 6d. It was disgusting - consisting of large quantities of hot water and barely a teaspoon of cocoa.

The Old Monkey, a skilled skier, came first in the slalom. This was despite being pursued the whole way by Hitmouse throwing skewers.

The judge, Hootman, then declared Hitmouse the winner. Hootman claimed that the Old Monkey was disqualified for 'having a smug smile'. We went to remonstrate with him, but he just dematerialised in front of our eyes.

Beaver Hateman came first in the dwarfcurling competition, not surprisingly. He is an expert dwarf thrower and is no less skillful at skimming them across ice.

The Badfort have also been busy with another scheme - they call it the Beaver Hateman Tax and its aim is to tax all banks financial transactions. It is no coincidence that they have launched this just after it became known that I have invested in the Badgertown Bank.

They have a website - but it does not function. Some people have suggested that I ordered it to be hacked into in order to effect the voting facility - I cannot possibly comment on that vile accusation.

Buy my Biographies in Great Britain here and here

Buy my Biographies in America here and here

Monday, 8 February 2010


The Badfort Crowd have declared Cyber War!

They have set up a site called Badileaks to promulgate their propaganda!

It is making astonishing claims to have discovered e-mail correspondence between myself and the King of the Badgers regarding the ownership of the Badgertown Bank!

They are clearly fakes - the spelling is atrochus!

If you wish to complain, on my behalf, you may twit them at @badileaks

Thursday, 4 February 2010

Smeare statue breaks auction record

An interesting article in the Homeward Gazette this morning:

So big spenders are cutting back? Clearly not all of them. A sculpture of a grimly determined walking Uncle by Waldovenison Smeare tonight broke records by becoming the most expensive work of art ever sold at auction when it was bought for £75m.

The price, achieved at Sotheby's in London, was five times more than its estimate of £12m-18m, and beat the record set by Picasso's Garçon à la Pipe in 2004.

It was a recession-defying sale, part of the collection of the collapsed Badgertown Bank being sold by its new owner The King of the Badgers. He has promised to use all the money to pay off his debts to Uncle.

There was a genuine sense of anticipation in the auction room. Not only could you smell the expensive perfumes and colognes, you could smell the money. Interest in the sculpture was clear from the start with bids being screamed at the auctioneer.

The Badfort Crowd were desperate to get their hands on the sculpture. Their intention had been to burn the effigy in front of the gates of Homeward. Beaver Hateman confirmed this, saying "I believe this act will inspire the populace to rise up against 'Unc the Tyrant'and the revolution will finally begin!"

Waldovenison Smeare will gain nothing from the sale. The work was originally commissioned, by Uncle himself, as a gift to the King of the Badgers. He sold it to the Badgertown Bank for £5 4s 6d when desperate for cash. When he became the new owner of the Bank (his takeover was believed to have been financed by Uncle) it came into his possession once more.

In total there were 10 bidders but it came down to Beaver Hatman and a mysterious telephone bidder from the mid-£30m mark onwards.

Announcing that the audience had just witnessed "the highest price ever paid for any work ever sold at auction," Sotheby's co-chairman Melanie Clore said they were "absolutely thrilled."

Philip Hook, a senior director at Sotheby's, said one bidder told him he had been waiting 40 years for something like this to come on the market and "that's not the winning contender."

The auction house was refusing to give any details as to who might have bought the work. However, there are a number of rumours that the buyer may have been Uncle himself.

Beaver Hateman was heard to comment "I never actually had the money to pay for it - I was just pushing the price up so Unc would have to fork out!"

I cannot possibly comment - suffice to say that I would do anything to prevent Mister Hateman from disturbing the peace of my fair domain!

Buy my Biographies in Great Britain here and here

Buy my Biographies in America here and here