Tuesday, 30 November 2010

WikiLeaks cables: 'Rude' Uncle shocks US ambassador

The following article has appeared in The Badfort News:

The Badfort News

Uncle launched a scathing attack on Badfort anticorruption investigators, journalists and Beavers during an "astonishingly candid" performance at an official engagement that shocked a US diplomat.

Titania Goodfellow, Washington's ambassador to Badfort, recorded in a secret cable that Uncle spoke "cockily" at the brunch with business people, leading a discussion that "verged on the rude".

During the two-hour engagement in 2008 at a hotel in Badgertown, Uncle, who travels the globe boasting about his business prowess, attacked Badfort's corruption investigators "They've got a cheek! suggesting corruption in Badgertown with all their rotten little scams!"

He went on to denounce Badfort News reporters investigating bribery as "those (expletive) journalists … who poke their noses everywhere".

She said the talk turned at another point to allegations of corruption in Badfort: "While claiming that all of them never participated in it and never gave out bribes, one representative of a middle-sized company stated that 'it is sometimes an awful temptation'.

In an astonishing display of candour in a public hotel where the brunch was taking place, all of the businessmen then chorused that nothing gets done in Badfort if Beaver Hateman does not get 'his cut'.

The kind of vindictive statement one would expect from capitalists who fear our great leader's concern for the proletariat.

The US ambassador, a veteran career diplomat who speaks six languages, did not appear to have great regard for Unc's intellect.

Her dispatch included some passages noticeably tinged with sarcasm. In a section headed: "You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps", she wrote: "Again turning thoughtful, Uncle mused that outsiders could do little to change the culture of corruption in Badfort. They are a bunch of anarchists who want a free ride. But if you want to get on in this world you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Look at me - from humble, lowly beginnings, I am now the richest elephant in the world. I did it all myself. No one else can do it for you."

The ambassador also refers to the incident of the stolen bicycle - "One cannot help wondering if this was a one off incident? - can this elephant be trusted?" 

It is a pack of lies !

However, I shall be severing all relations with the United States - for a youthful indiscretion to be used by an Ambassador of the United States to blacken my name is unforgivable.

Monday, 29 November 2010

WikiLeaks: Absolutely Furious!

The Badfort News  is one of a number of newspapers to have advance sight of the 250,000 US State Department classified documents released by the whistle-blower website Wikileaks.

I am absolutely livid at the criticism levelled at myself in some of these cables.

President Obama is supposed to have described me as "a bit pompous and overbearing"!!

Another states"he has an over inflated opinion of his own importance on the world stage"!!!

The material includes a reference to me as "over indulgent - he sure has a big appetite! we ordered in two crates of bananas for one state banquet and he ate the lot!"!!!!

One cable records that during a meeting in January with President Obama, I supposedly implied that a loan to his financially beleaguered company would be dependent upon a rather unusual favour in return:

"I have always fancied my head carved into Mount Rushmore" I am supposed to have said.

Sheer nonsense! This was entirely Mister Obama's suggestion!

In one missive they even have the audacity to criticise royalty - The King of the Badgers no less!

They claim that he 'behaved inappropriately' when President Obama visited Homeward. It seems that:
"The King told the President that he was a bit strapped for cash and asked if he might lend him a few thousand until 'Unc' stumped up another loan"

This is the thanks I get supporting the President, increasing his standing on the international stage by association with myself!

This is the thanks I get for making him welcome at Homeward!!

This is the thanks I get for saving the world from financial ruin!!!

I suspect that this is all because of my speech to congress and my statement that "There are occasions when elephants in Homeward would wish that those in responsible positions in the US might listen and learn from our experiences."

The United Staes catapulted into a worldwide diplomatic crisis today, but nothing will worry them more than the fact that they no longer have a friend in Uncle.

Friday, 26 November 2010

Happiness is a warm kettle

As you know, I recently launched my "happiness index" in an attempt to measure the inhabitants of Homewards quality of life as well as economic growth.

There was much snorting and desrision from the Badfort Crowd regarding this endeavour, not surprisingly.

"Try paying yer dwarfs more than two shillings a week, you old skinflint!" lambasted Beaver Hateman in an editorial in The Badfort News.

Damn cheek! - considering that I only charge the dwarfs a farthing a week for a flat, in one of my many towers, you would think that they would all be as happy as larry.

That is why this idea is not woolly and insubstantial, otherwise I wouldn't be bothering with it. We'll continue to measure gross domestic product. But it is high time we admitted that, taken on its own, GDP is an incomplete way of measuring a country's progress. Happiness is not just about money - I may be the richest elephant on the planet, but with it comes many great responsibilities and burdens. Many's the time that I have been working long into the night on the Homeward accounts and listened, with envy, to the loud boisterous singing of the dwarfs in their towers after a busy day down the mines.

Yet, every Saturday when they pay their rent (which includes free electric light and gas for cooking and heating) and collect my presents to them of bananas, raisins and motoring chocolate there are always a few trouble-makers moaning about their neighbour getting more than them.

But that's dwarfs for you - always finding something to gripe and complain about. I think that it must be because they spend so much time underground, mining my gold.

Happiness for Beaver Hateman, it would appear, is leading a good riot.

Somehow, (I suspect by bribing the Dean with Black Tom) he has managed to wangle the post of Professor of Economics at Badgertown University.

He has abused his position by using it to extoll blatant left wing propaganda and has been a bad influence on many of the students.

This week he led them in a 'protest' against tuition fees.

Unfortunately, the police of Badgertown are not very bright. They decided to use a technique of crowd control called 'kettling', to wit, erecting a giant kettle in front of the Town Hall Square.

To prevent the crowd taking over the square they were marshalled into this kettle, the idea being that after a few hours they would become bored and go home.

However, being filled with warm water, it provided an excellent environment for bathing. The students had brought their bathing trunks and a number of lilos. The water was soon bubbling with people and Beaver Hateman was diving from the spout.

They launched a gigantic raft, into the kettle, piled high with food: roast oxen, hams, and copious bottles of Black Tom.

These police tactics are hardly likely to 'dampen' their revolutionary fervour, I fear.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Royal gaffes and wedding guests

It has been a very difficult and trying week.

Firstly, due to a vindictive campaign by The Badfort News, I was forced to resign from my duties as The King of the Badgers, unpaid, enterprise guru.

The Badfort News claimed that I had stated "For the vast majority of people in Badgertown today they have never had it so good ever since this recession – this so-called recession - started." and that I had said complaints about spending cuts came from "people who think they have a right for me to support them".

This is a gross distortion of the truth. I do not know how a private conversation between myself and the King of the Badgers became public, although I have my suspicions regarding Hitmouse's usage of phone tapping, but this is not what I said.

I was actually admonishing the King for asking me for yet another loan.

"Dear fellow," he begged "the fact is that I find myself somewhat finanacially embarrassed, my son has decided to get married - could not come at a worse time. He's insisting on the works and, to put it bluntly, I'm skint - any chance of a small loan?"

"Honestly, King there is a recession, you know? with all my loans you have never had it so good ever since this recession started. You seem to think that you have a right for me to support you - it really is not good enough - you must tighten your belt like everyone else!" I admonished him.

"Well," he blustered "I have sold the Duck House! and filled in the Moat!"

Of course, after the article in The Badfort News he described my remarks as inaccurate and offensive!

"Sorry old chap, had to, you know how it is - such a fuss - jolly good of you to resign!" he wheedled.

"Still, plenty of jobs need tackling at the Royal Palace - any chance, you fancy a job organising this bloomin' wedding? - your bash's at Homeward are always splendid!"

"Hmmm - a Royal Wedding? I must admit, that would be a first for me..." I mused.

"Great, knew I could rely on you...just a small matter of the finances..." said the King, clearly embarrassed.

"So you want me to organise it and pay for it!" I exclaimed.

"Splendid, chap! - jolly decent of you!" cut in the King.

"No what do you think of this Katie, then? she's a commoner you know? not sure if its a bit beyond the pale?" asked the King.

"Her family have a ten room burrow in Badgershire - they probably have more money than you!" I said scornfully "and may I remind you of my own humble beginnings in a mere tin shack in the African jungle - are you suggesting that I am in the slightest bit common?!!"

"No offence, old bean - er, any chance of a cheque today do you think?" blustered the King.

Of course, the big problem - will we be able to get away without inviting the Badfort Crowd?

Friday, 12 November 2010

Twitter Trial

This week has seen Hitmouse's dubious attempt to overturn his conviction of "menace" for making threats against me in a Twitter "joke".

The judge decided that his comment on the site "I am going to skewer that fat dictator!!" clearly contained menace against my person and Hitmouse must have known that it would be taken seriously.

The judge also cast doubt on his "claim" that he was not refering to me at all but to a barbecue that was to take place at Badfort later that evening. "I woz merely refering to a chicken kebab I intended to prepare for the feast, yus honor!" Hitmouse argued "My life had been made a misery by a particularly truculent chicken that was always telling me wot to do and I intended to char-grill him!" he added.

It did not help his case when it was revealed that the chicken in question had been stolen from Farmer Butterskin Mute.

The judge called the tweet at the centre of the case,"menacing in its content and obviously so. It could not be more clear. Any ordinary elephant reading this would see it in that way and be alarmed."

Representing Hitmouse, Beaver Hateman then argued the defence that the tweet in question was merely part and parcel of the defendants job as a revolutionary anarchist and therefore could not be seen as any more menacing than everyday statements made in the pursuit of his chosen career.

When this did not wash with the Judge, Beaver then claimed that "It was an ill-conceived attempt at humour, m'lud, you should just tell him off for being stupid...", however, before he could continue with his argument, Hitmouse became enraged at being called stupid and skewered Hateman.

The Badfort Crowd then started fighting amongst each over and the trial was adjourned.

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Thursday, 4 November 2010

Tuition Fees Rebellion!

I was awakened this morning by raucous cries through my bedroom window.

I was flabbergasted to see a group of youths, from Doctor Augustus Lyre's Select School for Young Gentleman, standing by the moat protesting.

Furthermore, I was astounded to see Doctor Lyre, himself, urging them on and denigrating my personage in front of them.

Some nonsense about tuition fees!

As you know, I am the chairman of the Board of Governers. I subsidise the fees for poor students, but it has been necessary, in these difficult economic times to raise the fees from a farthing a month to a halfpenny - for the wealthier students.

I feel the fees are still very reasonable - and could not believe the attitude of the ungrateful scholars.

I went to remonstrate with them - and got a tomato in the eye!

"What's all this about, Lyre?" I demanded.

"Whilst we appreciate all the good works you have done for the school, Sir, I am afraid that I cannot condone your actions - a shilling a week from every student is an impossible demand!" he wept.

"A shilling a week! what are you talking about man?" I declared.

"Don't deny it, Sir," piped up Noddy Ninety "I have been on the receiving end of that bully you have employed as fee collector!"

"Yes, he waits outside the school gates every morning and gives us a good shakedown. He lifts us up and shakes us until he has all our dinner money - he even takes any sweets or lollies we got!" squeaked another of the urchins.

"Arrant nonsense! I am a multi billionaire - what would I want your lollies for!" I shouted.

"What kind of man is this fee collector ?" I quizzed Noddy.

"Oh very smartly dressed, Sir - he has a blue uniform and a badge!" he answered.

"I see...and what is it made of?" I continued.

"Well funny you should mention that, Sir, but it is of a very poor material, a very rough sackcloth - and he is quite uncouth!" Noddy muttered.

"You fools! is this what you call a good education, Lyre? why, they cannot even recognise one of the Badfort Crowd in the crudest of disguises!" I spluttered.

"Oh Sir, have we been duped?" cried Lyre.

"I am afraid so, like many academics your mind is so absorbed in the loftier aspirations of the intellect that you fail to see the baser motivations of the hoi-polloi for monetary gain. I forgive your questioning of my leadership - Cloutman and Gubbins will be at the school gates tomorrow to administer a good kicking up to this fee collector!", I reassured him.

"By the way, Lyre, I think we need to discuss additional tests for the pupils - their spelling on those posters is atrocious!"

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Monday, 1 November 2010

Bye bye

No, Don't worry, I will not be giving up on this blog - but I have decided that I will no longer be a twit.

So some anarchist paper misquotes misquotes a humorous interview I gave, which itself misquoted me and now I'm the Antichrist. I give up.

It all started when I was interviewed by Hitmouse for the Badfort News. I should have known better.

He cornered me on the thorny issue of housing benefits - claiming that dwarfs could be driven out of areas with high rents as a result of my drive to reduce the cost of housing subsidies.

This only became an issue because of the fracas that developed between the dwarfs of Tedium Tower and the Crookball of Lonely Tower.

On discovering that the Crookball people had been paying me no rent I decided that they would have to pay me a farthing a week.

However, in order to mitigate this additional expense for the hard working Crookball's I decided to open a shop for them at the top of their tower. I also had a very large jacuzzi installed so that they could have exhilarating baths.

This incensed the dwarfs of Tedium Tower who claimed that the Crookball's were receiving "extravagant" benefits.

I pointed out that there rents were subsidised and that they only paid a halfpenny a month. They are now up in arms because I have given them a jacuzzi but increased their rents to farthing a week!

I made some jocular remarks, which I admit may have been ill considered, but I insist that The Badfort News took them out of context.

“I feel sorry for short men. They are only useful for working down my goldmines.” they claimed I had stated.

My words were misconstrued, Beaver Hateman has claimed that my words were arrogant and deeply shortist, however I was merely pointing out that, as everyone knows, those dwarfs are a bit chippy and always looking to make trouble.

I have had enough - I will no longer be twitting.

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