Sunday, 16 August 2015

Bland threat to Badfort Revolutionary Front leadership election

There is growing concern amongst the hierarchy of the Badfort Revolutionary Party about the surge in support for the bland candidate in their leadership contest.

A leaked poll suggests that Jeremy Bear is ahead in the race to become the new leader.

Beaver Hateman has publicly warned that a victory for Jeremy Bear could spell a disaster for the party.

"For me this is reminiscent of the terrible blandness that overtook Badfort in the post war period when there was a consensus on nearly everything. The worst possible scenario would be a return to those days." he argued. 'Anyway everyone knows me! I'm famous! A hairy old bear stands no chance of winning in the Badgertown elections!"

But Mr Bear refused to be drawn into the argument "I am not doing celebrity, personality, abusive politics – I am doing ideas, we need unity - I just want to give everyone a big hug”

These big ideas include replacing Clause 4 of the Badfort Revolutionary Party, which calls for the "overthrow of that Fat Dictator, Unc!" with a clause that states "he's not so bad that Uncle, he's quite a nice multi-billionaire philanthropist, actually."

There are also two female candidates - Iama Goldsack, and Hitmouse wearing a woman's dress and a rather fetching red bonnet.

The Homeward gazette interviewer asked some searching questions to ascertain their position on the burning questions facing the party. "What is your dress size and where did you get that rather lovely bonnet" he asked Hitmouse. Typically, his response was one of violence - he stuck a skewer in the reporters bottom.

At least Iama Goldsack replied, in a lovely feminine manner, to the question posed by the reporter on her opinions of Mr Bear's unradical proposals. "Well, when I was a Minister," she replied with a lovely smile, framed by her gossamer hair, "I developed some of our most successful policies - such as Nursery Tea Time - an initiative that guaranteed that all children could have a nice cup of tea and biscuits whilst viewing "Watch with Mother". What could be more unradical than that?"

But Beaver Hateman was far less forgiving "People are saying their head is with Jeremy Bear - well they better watch it - cos I'm gonna rip their heads off!"

Accusations have also been made that I, Uncle, have tried to influence the vote.

'That Uncle has been giving all his dwarfs thruppence so they can join our party and vote !" spluttered Beaver in anger, at one interview.

Let me assure you, readers, that this is nonsense! Why would I do that? I love a good dust up with the Badfort Crowd!