Thursday, 29 November 2012

A Front Page Apology

Under the new voluntary code of conduct I have instigated for my newspapers, I have agreed to publish a front page apology to Mister Beaver Hateman.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

The Front Page

I must admit I was somewhat shocked that the Bank of England has appointed a Canadian as it's new Governor.

When I discovered the Brits, who are pretty insular bunch, were prepared to appoint a foreigner I had assumed that, with my vast economic experience, they were hoping to lure me to take the position.

Having just been appointed as the Director General of the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation it would have meant juggling my workload - but my Wednesday afternoons are pretty free so I could probably have fitted it in. However, I note that Mr Carney and Mr Osbourne were old Moose hunting buddies when he worked for Gold in Sacks - so perhaps my trunk just did not fit?

I love Opera !

So, my first decision as Director General of the BBC is to clear the airwaves over Christmas for my new, self-penned, musical extravaganza "Hold the Front Page" !

This colourful tale of the machinations of modern journalism will shake the intellectual and spiritual landscape of Badgertown and Homeward.

It concerns the evil lies written about a generous entrepreneur and philanthropist by a seedy anarchist reporter. The reporter even bug his phones to try and find dirt on him. The reporters seedy antics are revealed by diligent journalists working for the entrepreneur's own newspaper.

However, a foolish judge then insists that all the newspapers have to come under statutory regulation.

The story then follows the great entrepreneur as he excitingly and skillfully lobbies for the only logical solution - statutory regulation for bad newspapers and voluntary regulation for good newspapers.

There will also, of course, be a strong Christmas element as the bad(fort) newspaper attempts to expose Santa as a serial chimney intruder.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

BBC appoints Me as new director general

Yet another burden has been thrust upon me.

Days after being appointed the Police Commissioner for Badgertown, the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation begged me to take over as their Director General.

The £450,000 per year remuneration is, of course, a mere bagatelle to an elephant of my wealth.

I shall probably spend it on charitable causes - perhaps a drinking fountain for the badgers?

I could not refuse, Auntie Beeb has been going through particularly difficult times - and if they feel that I am the elephant for the job, then I must step up to the plate.

The King of the Badgers, writing to BBC staff on Thursday to announce the appointment, said that Uncle of Homeward, was "the right person to lead the BBC out of its current crisis and help rebuild public trust in the organisation"

They were clearly thinking of my experience in fighting for journalistic truth during my many libel actions against the Badfort News.

As I said then "If it falls to me to start a fight to cut out the cancer of bent and twisted journalism in our fair Homeward with the simple sword of truth and the trusty shield of Uncle fair play, so be it."

The BBC will have my staunch leadership to depend on !

Monday, 19 November 2012

Democracy in action !

I had fears, after the bicycle incident in September, that my chances of being elected as Police Commissioner for Badgertown had been scuppered.

However, it would appear that the great Badgertown public instead interpreted the altercation as proof that I will be a watchdog with teeth!

Exactly - I have already reduced the tea and doughnut breaks, indulged in by many of the forces constables, from ten to two a day!

I must admit, I was somewhat surprised at the small turnout for the election and the number of spoilt ballot papers:

In fact, the ballot count was a short-lived affair.

"Right!" said the returning officer "That's ten spoilt papers, no votes for Noddy Ninety and one for Uncle !"

The Old-Monkey winked at me.

I may not have a mandate but I can always rely on having a monkeydate.