Sunday, 16 August 2015

Bland threat to Badfort Revolutionary Front leadership election

There is growing concern amongst the hierarchy of the Badfort Revolutionary Party about the surge in support for the bland candidate in their leadership contest.

A leaked poll suggests that Jeremy Bear is ahead in the race to become the new leader.

Beaver Hateman has publicly warned that a victory for Jeremy Bear could spell a disaster for the party.

"For me this is reminiscent of the terrible blandness that overtook Badfort in the post war period when there was a consensus on nearly everything. The worst possible scenario would be a return to those days." he argued. 'Anyway everyone knows me! I'm famous! A hairy old bear stands no chance of winning in the Badgertown elections!"

But Mr Bear refused to be drawn into the argument "I am not doing celebrity, personality, abusive politics – I am doing ideas, we need unity - I just want to give everyone a big hug”

These big ideas include replacing Clause 4 of the Badfort Revolutionary Party, which calls for the "overthrow of that Fat Dictator, Unc!" with a clause that states "he's not so bad that Uncle, he's quite a nice multi-billionaire philanthropist, actually."

There are also two female candidates - Iama Goldsack, and Hitmouse wearing a woman's dress and a rather fetching red bonnet.

The Homeward gazette interviewer asked some searching questions to ascertain their position on the burning questions facing the party. "What is your dress size and where did you get that rather lovely bonnet" he asked Hitmouse. Typically, his response was one of violence - he stuck a skewer in the reporters bottom.

At least Iama Goldsack replied, in a lovely feminine manner, to the question posed by the reporter on her opinions of Mr Bear's unradical proposals. "Well, when I was a Minister," she replied with a lovely smile, framed by her gossamer hair, "I developed some of our most successful policies - such as Nursery Tea Time - an initiative that guaranteed that all children could have a nice cup of tea and biscuits whilst viewing "Watch with Mother". What could be more unradical than that?"

But Beaver Hateman was far less forgiving "People are saying their head is with Jeremy Bear - well they better watch it - cos I'm gonna rip their heads off!"

Accusations have also been made that I, Uncle, have tried to influence the vote.

'That Uncle has been giving all his dwarfs thruppence so they can join our party and vote !" spluttered Beaver in anger, at one interview.

Let me assure you, readers, that this is nonsense! Why would I do that? I love a good dust up with the Badfort Crowd!

Friday, 8 May 2015

Don't worry - all sorted out in a darkened room.

Went over to Badfort this morning to sort out this Badgertown Council Election mess.

"Why is it so dark in here?' I asked Beaver, as Hitmouse showed me into the ramshackle hall of the Badfort Crowd's castle.

"The King of the Badgers cut off our electricity didn't he! Miserable git was moaning about us not paying our bill!'

Hitmouse lit some Scob oil lamps, as Hootman handed out the cigars.

"So Unc, can you get some of his dwarfs on side?' declared Beaver.

I nodded "Yes, that should be no problem. I have promised them a couple of skyscrapers with luxury apartments - and a diamond mining concession. What about his badgers?"

'No sweat mate - quite a few of them are after some Scob fishing permits. Keen anglers, apparently, who like to while away their weekends messing about in boats." smirked Beaver.

"Enough, to swing it our way?'

"Oh yeah, easy."

I consulted my diary. "I can fit in being Mayor on Tuesdays and Fridays."

"O.K. Unc, I'll do Wednesdays and Thursdays and every other Monday. That suit you?'

Having sorted out the number of councillors we needed I returned to the Town Hall where Badger Macaroon had ensconced himself in the Mayoral Office.

Needless to say, I gave him a good kicking up.

After all, can't have a greasy little oik like that in charge of Badgertown can we?

Thursday, 7 May 2015

Badgertown Election Scandal

Voting is well under way in the Badgertown Town Council Election, but a scandalous attempt at fraud has been uncovered by my Detective, A.B.Fox.

Using state of the art X-Ray equipment he has obtained evidence that the diminutive Hitmouse, erstwhile reporter on 'The Badfort News', has hidden in one of the ballot boxes and is creating votes for Hateman - whilst swallowing the real voting papers!

It is a disgrace, and the King of the Badgers says I can squat in Badgertown Town Hall for as long as I like!

Election Memes

Now that the electioneering for the Badgertown Town Council Elections is over it is an opportune time to look back at some of the social media memes that have been generated.

By far the most famous must be the one of Beaver Hateman attempting to eat a scob fish in a rather disgusting manner.

It has been reprinted in the 'Badgertown Rag' today with the headline 'This is the oily mess Hateman could get us into.'

The Badfort Crowd attempted to show their leader in a different light by issuing photos of him feeding a poor little donkey.

Unfortunately, a wider view of the scene revealed that the sad looking animal was really the Wooden Legged Donkey, a notorious member of the Badfort Gang. He was, in reality, guzzling from a tin of that noxious libation, Black Tom.

The most dispicable meme has to be this libelous one suggesting that The King of the Badgers is a pawn in my pocket.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Brand/Hateman Debate.

In a surprise move, Beaver Hateman has agreed to an interview with comedian and political campaigner Russell Brand, about the forthcoming Badgertown Town Council Election.

This is quite a volte-face for Mister Hateman, considering that he has previously referred to Mr Brand as "just a bloomin' champagne socialist"

At first they both seemed to get along fine, agreeing that this was not the time for “giddy euphoria”.

However, once Hateman had cracked open a few bottles of Black Tom, they were soon having a merry time and shouting about putting the world to rights.

Unfortunately,  after they had downed one too many of the noxious brew they, inevitably, ended up in a fight. Not, it should be noted, because the their political differences but due to a disagreement over who had the most luxurious hair and twitter followers.

"You not seen it, Mate!" shouted Beaver "Hashtag hatefandom, innit? They love me, all those teenage girls! Wot you got! You got nothin' mate!"

When Russell argued that he did, in fact, have millions of followers - Hateman smashed a bottle of Black Tom over his head.


Beaver Hateman has developed an unlikely fanbase of smitten teenage girls on Twitter.

One tweeter described having an “unexplainable emotional connection” to the anarchic revolutionary, while others posted pictures of the him surrounded by hearts.

Using the hashtag '#hatefandom' there have been a number of tweets, such as:

"OMG gorgeous eyes and totes agree mode of production of material life determines the social, political and intellectual life. "

"Beaver is the new One Direction! The only choice is – either bourgeois or socialist ideology."

"Hoarse from screaming that the basic condition for the necessary expansion of political agitation is the organisation of comprehensive political exposure. "

I can't help feeling that the only reason I have not garnered the same following is because of my weight issues?

How To Become Stinking RICH

The behaviour of the Chairman of the 'Badfort National Party' is disgraceful. Hootman, the ghost who is Beaver Hateman's right hand spectre and chief schemer of plots, has been exposed as a con-man.

It appears that, under the pseudonym of 'Grant Shapps', he tried to flog an online toolkit called "How To Become Stinking RICH" – which he claimed would earn purchasers £20,000 in 20 days.

 An image on his website featured Hootman grinning in his luxury cart alongside the boast:
“That’s me… sitting in my brand-spanking-new cart"

Hootman charged £200 for this 'toolkit' which turned out to be no more than a copy of my biography!

I must admit that, if readers follow the example of my own life, they too could rise from lowly and humble origins to great wealth. Like myself. But it is a book that I give away for free to all the inhabitants of Homeward!

He then suggests in the 'toolkit' that they also sell a book, for exorbitant sums, about how they have used my book to get wealthy!

It is nothing but a Ponzi scheme!

Kitchen Sink Drama

It has been a busy few weeks here at Homeward and Badgertown.

The Badgertown Mayoral and Council election is proving too close to call.

When Beaver Hateman threw his hat in the ring I had no choice but to stand as a candidate myself.

It has to be said that there seems to have been a surge in support for my minor party 'Trust in Uncle' but also, sadly, for Hateman's party the 'Badfort National Party'.

The BNP's ultimate goal is to cede from Badgertown and set up its own council.

The likeliest consequence of the success our diametrically opposed parties is a dramatic increase in our influence. In a closely divided council, every seat will count. 

I have from myself into the campaign with gusto - even allowing cameras into my own home. This may have been a mistake. The television companies seem to be obsessed with culinary acumen.

'They want to film me in my kitchen?' I declared when the Old Monkey informed me of the the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation's request.

'Yes Sir, I think it could be good though - it will make you look like an elephant of the people.' he replied.

'Well which one? I think I have got five haven't I?'

'Yes Sir, but I think it would be sensible to use Mig's kitchen. It is less decorative and conspicuously lavish.'

The whole thing looked like it was going to be a disaster. The noise of Mig's oxy-acetylene torch (his favourite cooking technique) completely drowned out my important declarations on economic policy.

Luckily, I did very well in the invention round. If I say so myself, with just a few eggs, flour, sugar, butter and my favourite plant I was able to knock up a very respectable Banana Cream Pie.

Beaver Hateman fared less well. He tried to make a Scob Fish sandwich and the newspapers the next day were full of pictures of him attempting to stuff it in his mouth.

Thursday, 5 March 2015

David Macaroon refuses to face Hateman

David Macaroon, the incumbent Mayor of Badgertown, is refusing to agree to a face to face  television debate with the other candidate in the Mayoral election, Beaver Hateman.

'I don't trust him, he'll have a duck bomb hidden up his sack suit!' he claimed.

'Why do we have to have a debate anyway? How about a game of skittles instead?'

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

The Black and White Election Fundraiser

Last week, David Macaroon, the incumbent Mayor of Badgertown held a fundraising Gala.

In a bid to raise money for the upcoming council elections, he auctioned a host of items.

'Whatever possessed the King of the Badgers to agree to host this dinner?' I remarked to the Old Monkey 'Surely, he is not supposed to show political bias?'

'Unfortunately, Sir, as you know, the King of the Badgers is always short of cash. Mister Cameroon has promised him a job on the planning commitee.'

'And what is Mig, my Chef, doing cooking for these arrivistes, without my permission?'

'I did check, Sir, and I am afraid it is his day off.'

'We let him have those?'

'I am afraid so, Sir.'

'I am astounded!' I declared, 'Why would the Badfort Crowd ever agree to this?'

'Well, Sir, I have it on good authority that Mister Cameroon thought that he was getting a good deal when they said they would only charge a penny per person and lay on a big feast of Scob Fish. But Mister Hateman is charging a shilling a head to the Badfort folk for the opportunity to throw Duck bombs at them. Should I warn Mister Cameroon?'

'Normally,' I pondered, 'I would say that it is our duty to warn people of the potential nefarious activities of the Badfort Crowd. But perhaps, in this instance, it is the chance for these Gala-goers to learn a salutary lesson.'

'I fear the winner of this auction may be somewhat disappointed. I find Mister Smeare's daubings a bit of an aquired taste.'

'Yes,' replied the Old Monkey 'His paintings never seem to capture your grandeur, Sir.'

'How dare they!' I exploded 'I never gave them permission to borrow my traction engine!'

'It isn't actually, Sir. Apparently it's a dirty old traction engine borrowed from Butterskin Mute and painted gold.'

'But that's fraud! They are claiming it is mine!'

'It seems they don't mind turning a blind eye to a bit of fraud, Sir. Providing it is done by the right people.'