Wednesday, 27 March 2013

The Complete Me

Mister Marcus Gipps project to reprint all the volumes of my biographies in the U.K. is now up and running here:

Not surprisingly, he is already close to his target even though it has been up for only a few hours !

For too long the people of that forsaken isle have been bereft of my words of wisdom - on good citizenship and the importance of charitable giving.

No doubt, Marcus will soon be in touch so I can assist him in editing out any unnecessary references to my past and to the more dubious exploits of the Badfort Crowd. I am filling my fountain pen with red ink at this very moment !

Monday, 4 March 2013

Applications considered

 The recent news on the republication of my biographies in Great Britain has caused me to dwell on the need to chronicle the events that have occurred in my life since the final volume by the late J.P.Martin. 

It is a decision I have put off for some time. What writer could follow in the footsteps of that scholarly Reverend ?

The old Monkey has suggested Mr Neil Gaiman. I am a great admirer of his many works - but is his style too fantastical and whimsical for the depiction of the minutiae of my many civic duties?

Collaboration with Mr Terry Pratchett has also been proposed, but his work has a satirical edge that would, I believe, be totally inappropriate for a serious tome depicting my many duties.

Will Shudder put forward his namesake, Mr Will Self. Completely out of the question. He would get everything back to front and all over the place. It would just give everyone a terrible headache, reading his version of events.

My personal favourite at the moment is double Man Booker prize winner Ms Hilary Mantel.

I feel that her experience would enable her to produce a well-rounded portrait of a pragmatic and talented elephant, such as myself, attempting to serve the people of Homeward amid the political machinations of the Badfort Crowd.

She has proved herself more than able to flesh out the historical fact of a life to produce a complete and compelling characterisation.

I am also sure that she can be relied upon to forswear any mention of bicycles.

Saturday, 2 March 2013

A Good Kickstarting Up !

I am most gratified to hear, from the Old Monkey, that a Mister Marcus Gipps is planning a 'Kickstarter' project aimed at funding the publication of an omnibus edition of my biographies, as related by J.P. Martin, in the United Kingdom.

I do have a few spare gold ingots - worth a couple of billion, I believe.

However, this is earmarked for another of my many charitable projects in aid of destitute dwarfs.

I may be able to make a donation from my International Development Fund for Impoverished Countries. Such a shame that the U.K.'s credit rating is so poor now.

I am sure that it will not be needed - Britain's politicians will be all too keen to invest in literature that extols the virtues of good citizenship and paying your rent on time.

Here at Homeward, of course, the books have always been in great demand. I make sure that every child receives a finely-tooled leather bound omnibus edition on their first day of school, gratis from their benefactor.

The only point that has somewhat irked me is the fact that my librarian, Will Shudder, has, so far, refused my offer to revise the manuscripts.

Really, there was no need for the Reverend Martin to make so many references to the bicycle incident. Also, there are occasional references to the anarchic activities of the Badfort Crowd that suggest a humourous element to their behaviour - even, dare I say it, engendering sympathy when they are resoundingly confounded !

I am sure that Mister Gipps will be seeking my advice on how these errors might be corrected. Of course, I would not suggest in any way that funds from the IDFIC would be contingent on my editorial guidance.