Academic Life

The exams are over, the results are in, and so the thoughts of the scholars at Dr Lyre's Select School for Young Gentleman turn to their future life at University.

As the Chairman of the Board of Governors I was invited along to Speech Day to pass on a few words of wisdom.

I recounted a few of my own memories of life in those hallowed halls of learning of my own student days. The intimate quadrangles, the cloistered beauty, punting on hot summer days and all those people reading this and that, eager to open their minds to the great joys of learning. They were, indeed, idyllic days...apart from the unfortunate incident when I ....

Suddenly, a scruffy boy at the back interrupted with a yell...."Shut up you establishment toady...Beaver says University should be the best party you have ever been to times a thousand, and you should try and do as little work as possible!"

I must admit I turned puce. I was even more shocked when Dr Lyre started applauding and shouted "Bravo, and well done Snivel Minor, you have learnt your lessons well!"

I asked Dr.Lyre if we could adjourn to his study to discuss this aberrant behaviour and his reaction to it.

Apparently the citizens of Badgertown are fed up with Public Schoolboys taking all the places at Badgertown University and then getting all the plum jobs in Law, Government and the Media.

So, in order to help them hide their posh backgrounds Dr Lyre has been sending them on a training course with Beaver Hateman so that they can learn how to behave like "Oiks". "It has been a great success" he claimed. "He's taught them to drop their T's and H's, he's given them jobs stacking shelves so that they can claim they have really had to work - rather than rely on Mater and Pater, and he has even given hair and fashion advice so that they don't all look like Hugh Grant."

I am furious at this deception. Did it not occur to the good Doctor that Mister Hateman could also use this as an opportunity to fill impressionable minds with propaganda and ideas of dubious morality???