Wednesday, 30 April 2008

Question Time

Last night I presided over Question Time with the candidates for Mayor of Badgertown.

Uncle: The first question is from a Mister Colgan, he would like to ask the candidates what they would do about the gangs of young hooded badgers roaming the streets in packs looking for mischief with their duck bombs? Perhaps you would like to answer that one first Boris Badger ?

Boris: I would give them lots of hugs – young badgers are always given a hard time - particularly by farmers such as Butterskin Mute. They are probably just snuffling around for mushrooms. If they are roaming the streets it is because Ken Goat has failed to provide enough Youth Burrows for them.

Uncle: Ken Goat – what’s your answer?

Ken: I would send them off to see Mister Badger in the Wild Woods - He a wise hermit, a good leader and gentleman, embodying common sense. I am sure that he could set them on the right track.

Uncle: and your answer Noddy?

Noddy: Education, education, education. I would set up scholarships for them at Doctor Lyre’s School for Young Gentlemen – they would have a whiz time and I would teach em a trick or two.

Uncle: An excellent answer, if I may say so Noddy. Now - a transport question from the stationmaster at Badgertown. He says steam is the only solution to Badgertown’s transport problems, so he’ll be voting Noddy Ninety. He wants to know what can be done to persuade the inhabitants to use his trains more? Noddy?

Noddy: Education, education, education. There are too many smelly horse-drawn carts clogging up Badgertown. Steam-driven Trams are the solution and we will educate the populace with a series of lectures at Doctor Lyre’s School for Young Gentlemen. These will cover the design of the 1712 Newcomen engine, and the Watt steam engine, developed from it sporadically between 1763 to 1775 - the further lectures will…

Uncle: All right – that’s enough, very impressive answer – Ken?

Ken: As you know I favour the bendy bus…

Boos from audience

Ken: I know that there have been some unfortunate incidents with buses getting stuck going around corners, and then flicking back– but we are making great strides with the rubber used to make them. I am sure that these problems can be ironed out…

Uncle: Not much of an answer – I’d send Cowgill round to sort it out for you, but Noddy will probably be in charge after tomorrow….Boris? you have some idea involving bicycles I believe – can’t say I have particularly fond memories when it comes to bikes…

Boris: Bendy Tricycles actually – free for everyone in Badgertown!
I always cycle everywhere….

Shout from Audience: Yeah! With your chauffeur following behind!

Boris: How dare you! – I am merely offering employment to an Old Liarian who is down on his luck.

Uncle: Enough. Now a question from a Miss Bella Badger who is concerned that not enough is being done to deal with the persistence lawlessness of The Badfort Crowd – and I must say I heartily agree – she wants to know how each of the candidates would deal with the threat posed by them? Boris?

Boris: Beef up the Badgertown police, arm them with Duck Bombs, and um stuff like that.

Uncle: Well that’s not helped in the past…Ken?

Ken: I think we need to be more inclusive – I am sure that some committee could be set up…

Shout from Audience: For you old friends The Badfort Crowd? – Red Ken and his cronies!

Uncle: Order! Order! Noddy? Your answer?

Noddy: Education, education, education. I would employ your Aunt, Miss Evelyn Maidy to run a training course at Doctor Lyre’s School for Young Gentlemen in the arts of ju-jitsu and wrestling. I guarantee that we would soon have The Badfort Crowd on the run!

Uncle: What a splendid idea! – I am sure my Aunt would love that….
Well now a question from Alonzo S. Whitebeard. He is concerned because he has a great deal of his savings in Badgertown Rock and wants to know if they will be safe and what the candidates will do to prevent financial problems of this kind in the future? Ken?

Ken: There is no need for Mister Whitebeard to worry – thanks to the generosity of our great benefactor, Uncle, who stepped in with a large amount of money, his savings are safe. I am sure that if any problems should arise again we can rely on Uncle to step in and…

Uncle: Hang on one moment, that was a loan you know? – I am expecting to be repaid…

Ken: Well, yes, in due course I am sure that we will sort something out.

Uncle: Noddy?

Noddy: Education, education, education. This problem all arose because these bankers are clearly not very good at sums. I would insist that they all attended maths classes at Doctor Lyre’s School for Young Gentlemen and I would ensure that they all got six of the best for their stupidity.

Uncle: Another excellent answer, Noddy, - Boris?

Boris: Well this is what happens when poor decisions are made over who to lend money to. Anyone could see that lending to dwarfs, who are notoriously unreliable…

Shout from Crowd: Shortist!

Boris: This has nothing to do with stature – many of my closest friends are not very tall. I merely point out that it is a well-known fact that dwarfs are tricky fellows…

At this point a fight erupted and the meeting had to be abandoned.

I hope that this debate has given you food for thought on how you will vote tomorrow, whilst I must remain impartial, I have to say that I was most impressed with Noddy Ninety's answers and I am sure that you will be voting for him.

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Friday, 25 April 2008

Question the Mayoral Candidates

The King of the Badgers has asked me to host a debate featuring all the candidates in the Badgertown Mayoral Election.

I shall be acting as inquisitor-in-chief and this is your opportunity to put any question you like to them.

Leave your questions using the comment facility in this interblogweb, or e-mail me

Thursday, 24 April 2008


Boris Badger was given a bit of a roasting, on the telly last night, by Jeremy Foxman (dressed in his trademark butchers apron).

Foxman wanted to know what would be the cost of Boris’s plan to give all the citizens of Badgertown fold-up tricycles.
Boris said this would be “no more and no less” than the cost of Ken Goat’s proposal to bring in a new fleet of bent buses.

This is how the exchange went on:

Foxman: “Give us a figure.”

Boris: “When you look at the prospect that this offers ...”

Foxman: “Come on, what is the figure?”

Boris: “The average cost of a bent bus is about 43 Guineas 12/- 6d . I envisage the cost over time being substantially amortised, to be easily bearable under the transport fund ..

Foxman: “Am I not making myself clear? What we want to know is how much you propose to spend on all these tricycles?”

Boris: “No more and no less ...

Foxman: A figure? A figure?

Boris: Than the cost of the mayor’s ...

Foxman: I despair.

Boris: They will be shiny and red.

I think Jeremy Foxman was rather rude, badgering Boris Badger like that, especially as he has been having a hard time this week. He faces the possibility of an inquiry by anti-sleaze watchdogs after failing to declare his shareholding in the television company that makes his documentaries - the very excellent "Dream of Homeward" which documented the rise of my business empire and "Clash of Civilisations" about my conflicts with the ne-er-do-wells of Badfort.

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Tuesday, 22 April 2008

I think I fancy Boris - not me of course

Everybody seems to be writing songs about, Mayoral Candidate, Boris Badger.
This is an odd one though - the more I have heard this song, supposedly a Paean to Boris penned by a love-stricken Badger, the more I detect the hand of Hitmouse.

When I see those ruddy red cheeks
Blonde floppy hair
My knees go weak
An old Liarian who’s down with the streets
I think your jolly nice
When they said you were running for Mayor
I felt it pertinent to declare
That dwarf lover Ken does not compare
I love your hair

I think I fancy Boris
You mumble when you debate
But its 2008
Who needs a competent candidate?

You think that dwarfs are too short
But you’re a really nice bloke
Badgertown needs you

I think I fancy Boris
You mumble when you debate
But its 2008
Who needs a competent candidate?

You’ll get tough on the Badfort Crowd
Drag the dwarfs into line
Better looking than Ken
I think I fancy Boris

May the first is your date
And you think snuffling for mushrooms is really great
Ban bendy buses and focus on beating the Badfort Crowd
Think Badgertown, be mine

Noble, brave, there is no doubt
That the goat will soon be out

I think I fancy Boris
You mumble when you debate
But its 2008
Who needs a competent candidate?

You edited Badger News
Got dissed by Beaver Hateman
It is never too soon
To elect a buffoon
Boris you make me swoon

I think I fancy Boris
You mumble when you debate
But its 2008
Who needs a competent candidate?

Meanwhile, I have had to bail out the King of the Badgers, again, over that Badgertown Rock farrago.

I have made it quite clear that I will be most unhappy if Noddy Ninety is not the next Mayor of Badgertown.

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Monday, 21 April 2008

Vote for Boris Song

Boris Badger's team have released a dreadful campaign song extolling his virtues:-

There is a badger who walks amongst us
Who can always raise a smile
A clever badger in Badgertown
With a unique political style
A badger whose hair is long and foppish
And with speech of astonishing flair
When it comes to political know-how
Boris knows the score
With Boris about, lets kick Ken out
Vote Boris for Mayor
If Boris was Mayor of Badgertown
He’d liven up public affairs
We want him to win
He has to win
Because we all know he cares
He helps us badgers to find more sets
And is even kind to dwarfs
With Boris about, lets kick Ken out
Vote Boris for Mayor
We’ve all been driven round the bend
By boring Red Ken and his buses
We just don’t know what good he has done
Don’t vote Ken again
With Boris about, lets kick Ken out
Vote Boris for Mayor
With Boris about, lets kick Ken out
Vote Boris for Mayor

I think that this campaign is truly reaching the depths now.

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Sunday, 20 April 2008

Playboy Boris

The Sunday Badfort has printed a scurrilous photograph of, Mayoral candidate, Boris Badger taken in The Badfort People's Palace - a well-known gambling dive and den off iniquity.

The Sunday Badfort supports none of the candidates - they consider them all to be stooges and lackeys of the King of the Badgers.

However, they are particularly vindictive in their editorials about Boris - because of the fact that he is an Old Liarian - having attended Doctor Lyre's School for Young Gentlemen.

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Wednesday, 16 April 2008

This Babar chap

It has been drawn to my attention that there is some upstart elephant claiming to be more famous and popular than myself. He goes by the ludicrous name of Babar - sounds like the sort of noise sheep make.

Having done some interweb research I can only say that I find his behaviour politically and morally offensive. He appears to be King of some tinpot African state and his rule seems to be totally independent of any elected body, and completely autocratic.

Utterly disgraceful.

Apparently, he lived naked in the jungle!!

He then went to live in Paris and sponged off some old lady. He obviously picked up some peculiar sartorial habits there as he took to wearing bright green suits!

I would not be surprised if he picked up some strange culinary ideas as well - eats snails and frog's legs I shouldn't wonder.

He then seems to have gone home, usurped the existing order and set up some sort of French colony. He claims to have brought civilisation to the elephants.

Since when have we elephants needed to take lessons from humans ? !!!

As a self-made elephant, who has worked his way to the top, I have to say that I have very little respect for some popinjay who makes claims to being the "King of the Elephants"!!

Thank goodness we don't have to put up with an arrogant fellow like that here.

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Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Noddy Ninety's Website

Finally, here is Noddy Ninety's campaign website.

I hope you will look at all these websites carefully before deciding to vote for Noddy Ninety.

Click on the picture below to see more detail.

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Monday, 14 April 2008

Ken Goat's Website

As promised here is another of the Badgertown Mayoral candidate's websites.

As you can see, Ken is still obsessed with bendy buses and wheely things.

Click on the picture below to see more detail.

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Wednesday, 9 April 2008

Bendy Transport Solutions

One of the hot topics of debate in the Mayoral election has been how to solve Badgertown's transport problems.

The incumbent Mayor, Ken Goat, favours a bent bus. It has a kink in it and is very long. He has been riding around in it campaigning.

Boris Badger, who is a bit of a cycling enthusiast, prefers the idea of bendy tricycles. They bend in the middle so can be easily folded. He proposes giving them out to all the inhabitants of Badgertown.

Meanwhile, Noddy Ninety is singing the virtues of the steam driven bendy tram like this one.

Whoever wins though, I feel sure that I can persuade them of the merits of my own solution - the trans-dimensional bendy bus. As more passengers get on it expands inwards creating additional room. It is truly bendy in all spatial dimensions. This is a prototype that Cowgill has made.

These buses will soon pay for themselves as they will contain infinite retail space and leisure facilities. The only problem maybe persuading passengers to get off them once they reach their destination.

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Tuesday, 8 April 2008

Boris Badger's website

I have been taking a look at some of the Badgertown Mayoral candidate's websites.

I was most impressed with Boris's one.

Click on the picture below to see more detail.

I will show you some of the other candidate's sites during the run-up to the election.

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Monday, 7 April 2008

Boris claims dirty fight in mayor race !

Boris Badger claims that his office was infiltrated by Internet hackers who broke into his email and disrupted his computer system for several hours. He also said that his opponents were "fighting dirty" and would use any tactic to smear him and ensure that Ken Goat won a third term as mayor.

A politician, journalist and former editor of Badger News, Boris is the great-grandson of Ali Brock, a Turkish journalist who was briefly Interior Minister in the government of Ahmet Melo Borsuki, Grand Vizier of the Ferret Badger Empire. On his Web site Boris describes himself as a "one badger melting-pot," with Blaireaus, Porsoks and Dachs among his ancestors.

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Friday, 4 April 2008

Shocking Revelations !

It was today revealed that Badgertown's incumbent Mayor, Ken Goat, has fathered five kids by three different nannies.

I must admit I was rather shocked - but in a press statement Ken said "I'm an old goat - what do you expect?" and I suppose he has a point. One cannot judge him by the same standards as elephants.

Even more shocking news was the fact that Boris Badger has admitted snuffling for hallucinogenic mushrooms, and other fungi, when a young cub. He claims that he sneezed and so it did not go up his nose - and that anyway all badgers root around on the forest floor when they are young.

This all comes on top of claims that he is not a natural blonde and in fact wears a wig. Professor from the Royal Badgertown Hospital has said that "he finds it extraordinary for a badger to have markings of this kind on their head"

Boris has also been attacked for being an old Lyreite who does not understand the needs of Badgertowners.

His old headmaster, Doctor Augustus Lyre, has dismissed these claims.
"These elections may appear to be about celebrity," Doctor Lyre said. "Boris has been on TV a lot … and he's gotten a lot of publicity with his antics. However, he's a loveable rascal, and he's a very intelligent fellow and I am sure that he will do a first class job of running Badgertown. He was Head Prefect you know, and he did a marvellous job of organising the fags"

Personally I am even more determined to back Noddy Ninety. I cannot believe, at his age, that he has the energy or inclination for these kind of antics.

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Thursday, 3 April 2008

Candidate Muzzled ?

No doubt you will remember my surprise last year that Boris badger had put himself forward in the Badgertown Mayoral election.

He is actually doing rather well in the polls, but there have been accusations that he is avoiding the hustings, raising suspicions that the gaffe-prone badger is being protected from himself.

Boris, has in the past managed to offend the dwarf community (for wallowing in self-pity about their lack of height) an entire tower (by describing the inhabitants of Lonely Tower as being a bit sad) and a nation (Britain, who he accused of indulging in Badgist literature. He objected strongly to the portrayal of the badger in The Wind in the Willows as being backward-looking and anti cars).

Since the start of his campaign Boris has turned down appearances at a number of events where his rivals were appearing.

The other candidates are Noddy Ninety and the incumbent mayor 'Red' Ken Goat. Ken has proved popular with much of the populace, despite at one time being disowned by even The Badfort Crowd as being too revolutionary. His politics soon mellowed once in office, however, and his positive attitude to my business endeavours has impressed me.

His congestion charge has not gone down well with all, but it has led to a reduction in the number of carts in the centre of Badgertown. The polluting excrement of the horses was ruining the quality of life and the expiation of intestinal gases was having a serious effect on the ozone layer. He very kindly exempted steam driven vehicles from the charge - so I could still drive my traction engine into town.

I am still going to back Noddy Ninety, however. I feel sure that his experience as a part time train driver will prove invaluable in solving the transport problems of Badgertown. He is a man who appreciates 'steam' - a man after my own heart. I have always found him most respectful.

Last night a spokesman for Ken's campaign said: "This must be the only election where the campaign is scared of their candidate, which is why they have blocked him from appearing in public with Ken and Noddy."

Boris's team swatted away suggestions that their candidate had been muzzled.
They said that he had been busy making repairs to his bicycle and was very sad that he had been unable to attend the meetings.

Despite the tight leash on which he is kept, Boris has allowed the odd flash of his former jocular self to break through. Last Saturday, the columnist Vernon Littleman wrote of interviewing the candidate for the dwarf magazine Altitude.

When pressed on whether he agreed with Ken's ancient assertion that everyone is potentially small, he said: "Oh, not everyone can limbo - I'm too tall. That does not make me heightist"

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Tuesday, 1 April 2008

Spaghetti Harvest

After the debacle of the libel trial I have decided to try and relax for a bit. All that anger is not good for my blood pressure.

I thought I would pop over and see how Butterskin Mute was getting on with the Spaghetti Harvest.

Mute is the best farmer in the neighbourhood and he supplies me with fresh vegetables. He's a little, smiling man, and he sometimes wears spade boots. These boots have short spades attached to them for digging.

He looked low-spirited, so I asked him if it was not a good crop this year.

"It was all going so well," he said sadly "We have had no problems with the spaghetti weevil, and the weather has been so perfect. But that Beaver Hateman and his gang have been over in the middle of the night and stolen half the crop!"

Is this man to dog my path forever?

Still, I found a very interesting documentary on the great Swiss spaghetti harvest of 1957 that I think you will enjoy.

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