Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Brand/Hateman Debate.

In a surprise move, Beaver Hateman has agreed to an interview with comedian and political campaigner Russell Brand, about the forthcoming Badgertown Town Council Election.

This is quite a volte-face for Mister Hateman, considering that he has previously referred to Mr Brand as "just a bloomin' champagne socialist"

At first they both seemed to get along fine, agreeing that this was not the time for “giddy euphoria”.

However, once Hateman had cracked open a few bottles of Black Tom, they were soon having a merry time and shouting about putting the world to rights.

Unfortunately,  after they had downed one too many of the noxious brew they, inevitably, ended up in a fight. Not, it should be noted, because the their political differences but due to a disagreement over who had the most luxurious hair and twitter followers.

"You not seen it, Mate!" shouted Beaver "Hashtag hatefandom, innit? They love me, all those teenage girls! Wot you got! You got nothin' mate!"

When Russell argued that he did, in fact, have millions of followers - Hateman smashed a bottle of Black Tom over his head.


Beaver Hateman has developed an unlikely fanbase of smitten teenage girls on Twitter.

One tweeter described having an “unexplainable emotional connection” to the anarchic revolutionary, while others posted pictures of the him surrounded by hearts.

Using the hashtag '#hatefandom' there have been a number of tweets, such as:

"OMG gorgeous eyes and totes agree mode of production of material life determines the social, political and intellectual life. "

"Beaver is the new One Direction! The only choice is – either bourgeois or socialist ideology."

"Hoarse from screaming that the basic condition for the necessary expansion of political agitation is the organisation of comprehensive political exposure. "

I can't help feeling that the only reason I have not garnered the same following is because of my weight issues?

How To Become Stinking RICH

The behaviour of the Chairman of the 'Badfort National Party' is disgraceful. Hootman, the ghost who is Beaver Hateman's right hand spectre and chief schemer of plots, has been exposed as a con-man.

It appears that, under the pseudonym of 'Grant Shapps', he tried to flog an online toolkit called "How To Become Stinking RICH" – which he claimed would earn purchasers £20,000 in 20 days.

 An image on his website featured Hootman grinning in his luxury cart alongside the boast:
“That’s me… sitting in my brand-spanking-new cart"

Hootman charged £200 for this 'toolkit' which turned out to be no more than a copy of my biography!

I must admit that, if readers follow the example of my own life, they too could rise from lowly and humble origins to great wealth. Like myself. But it is a book that I give away for free to all the inhabitants of Homeward!

He then suggests in the 'toolkit' that they also sell a book, for exorbitant sums, about how they have used my book to get wealthy!

It is nothing but a Ponzi scheme!

Kitchen Sink Drama

It has been a busy few weeks here at Homeward and Badgertown.

The Badgertown Mayoral and Council election is proving too close to call.

When Beaver Hateman threw his hat in the ring I had no choice but to stand as a candidate myself.

It has to be said that there seems to have been a surge in support for my minor party 'Trust in Uncle' but also, sadly, for Hateman's party the 'Badfort National Party'.

The BNP's ultimate goal is to cede from Badgertown and set up its own council.

The likeliest consequence of the success our diametrically opposed parties is a dramatic increase in our influence. In a closely divided council, every seat will count. 

I have from myself into the campaign with gusto - even allowing cameras into my own home. This may have been a mistake. The television companies seem to be obsessed with culinary acumen.

'They want to film me in my kitchen?' I declared when the Old Monkey informed me of the the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation's request.

'Yes Sir, I think it could be good though - it will make you look like an elephant of the people.' he replied.

'Well which one? I think I have got five haven't I?'

'Yes Sir, but I think it would be sensible to use Mig's kitchen. It is less decorative and conspicuously lavish.'

The whole thing looked like it was going to be a disaster. The noise of Mig's oxy-acetylene torch (his favourite cooking technique) completely drowned out my important declarations on economic policy.

Luckily, I did very well in the invention round. If I say so myself, with just a few eggs, flour, sugar, butter and my favourite plant I was able to knock up a very respectable Banana Cream Pie.

Beaver Hateman fared less well. He tried to make a Scob Fish sandwich and the newspapers the next day were full of pictures of him attempting to stuff it in his mouth.