We were not looking forward to a very merry Christmas here at Homeward.
Following my contretemps with the European Community they have blockaded Homeward.
We were therefore trying to make the best of Christmas, with my finances depleted and none of the usual imported festive treats.
Beaver had taken advantage of the situation and launched a full scale aerial bombardment with Treacle Bombs (that he stored up after the Great Treacle Tower Flood) in an effort to depose me.
Imagine, my surprise, therefore, when instead of the expected rain of sticky missives from Mister Hateman's plane this morning - many brightly coloured parcels started to rain from the sky !
The folk of Homeward scurried around picking up the various parcels. They were full of all sorts of goodies - puddings, mince pies and other Christmas delicacies.
"Look, Sir, a big parcel with your name on it!" cried the Old Monkey.
Before I had the chance to start unwrapping it, out burst Beaver Hateman !
"Hi Unc, sworn enemies we may be mate, but we always have a truce at Christmas and you always lay on a slap up meal for us - just to show you that the Worker's Revolutionary party can organise just as good a do as a fat billionaire we decided to return the favour !" declared Beaver.
"All stolen, I presume ?" I replied sternly.
"Of course, mate - we nicked it all from the EU food mountains !" cackled Beaver.
"Well done - excellent intiative!" said I, with a smile.
I have to say it was one of the best Christmas Eve parties we have had, here at Homeward, - despite the Badfort Crowd's dubious musical contributions.
The people's flag is deepest red,
It shrouded oft our martyr'd dead
And ere their limbs grew stiff and cold,
Their hearts' blood dyed its ev'ry fold.
Then raise the scarlet standard high,
Within its shade we'll live and die,
Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer,
We'll keep the red flag flying here.
You will appreciate that, with the current global situation, I have not had time to avail you with my usual missives from Homeward for some months.
My advice has been in great demand from many world leaders, as they struggle with their economic woes.
Firstly, I was offered a large remuneration by the Greeks to sort out their terrible financial deficits.
All I can say is, beware Greeks bearing gifts. Riots broke out, merely, because I advised them to stop breaking plates if you cannot afford to pay for them!
Then, the Italians wanted me to replace Berlusconi. "We need someone well respected around the world, a smart technocrat, like you !" begged Italy's President.
The word "technocracy" comes from the Greek words "tekhne", meaning skill, and "kratos" meaning power. Technocrats thus literally promise to be "problem solvers" – politicians who make decisions based on their expertise or specialist knowledge of a particular subject, rather than to please a particular interest group or political party.
Being a world-renowned Entrepreneur, I would, of course, have been well suited for the role. Then there was a lot of fuss about the "democratic deficit" involved in appointing a non-Italian of the family Elephantidae. Apparently, many Italians still bare a grudge for my ancestors involvement in Hannibal's attack on Rome. So, I declined the offer.
Homeward, for dimensional, rather than geographic or political, reasons is not part of the European Community.
However, I am always invited to contribute at their summits - as a major player on the world stage.
But at the last summit I was left isolated.
What can I say - Infamy ! they've all got it in for me !
No surprise that the Greeks and Italians were still smarting from my comments - but I was disappointed by the envy shown by Germany over our hard working dwarfs and by the British over the fact that Homeward bankers do as I tell them. Mister Cameron seemed particularly jealous of this fact.
The French, of course, have always hated the fact that Chateau Homeward is the finest wine in the world.
Then they all turned on me and demanded that I reduce the cost of the Helium 3 from my Moonbase mine !
When I told them that I would do no such thing, they decided that they would blockade Homeward and stop all imports of my goods !
Over the last month times have become very hard - my treasury is much depleted. Of course, Beaver Hateman has taken advantage of the situation and demands that the EU should be assuaged by my exile and the declaration of a Worker's Republic !
He has launched a full scale aerial bombardment with Treacle Bombs that he stored up after the Great Treacle Tower Flood.
The EU has refused to offer aid, unless I exceed to their demands.
I gathered my strength this morning for the final day of my epic 140-mile swim around the Moat of Homeward.
The Old Monkey has hailed me as "Homeward's sweetheart".
Hundreds ofThousands of cheering fans greeted me last night as I made it to the Drawbridge after a 21-mile stint - my longest day so far.
To date, my extraordinary efforts have raised more than £90 5s 6d for charity.
Despite the Badfort Crowd's best efforts to sabotage my endeavours, by letting loose rats in the moat, I have persevered against all odds. Why, I even managed to save a crookball person who fell from Lonely Tower into the moat !
I did get a bit of a dodgy tummy during the swim - so I put myself on a strict diet of only one bunch of banana's and one bucket of cocoa a day during my feat of endurance !
Mister Richard Herring asked me if I would be willing to be interviewed for his Edinburgh Fringe Podcasts, or RHEFP's as they have become known.
As you know, I do not normally do interviews. I am not one for blowing my own trunk - although I am somewhat classified as a 'celebrity' I prefer to remain as much out of the harsh glare of the limelight as possible. Accept, of course, at times when I must appear at public events such as the World Summit's.
Also, I must say that Mister Herring and I have had some disagreement on Twitter regarding the best uses for the internet. In my opinion it is not the place for 'comedy' but should be used to disseminate public information and advice on good citizenship.
However, The Old Monkey informed me that Mister Herring had recently acceded the throne of Edinburgh.
"No doubt, Sir, he has heard of the sage advice that you offer the King of the Badgers." he advised.
"Hmmm, well I am always willing to offer counsel to royalty - as long as he does not try and tap me for a loan like the King of the Badgers !" I chuckled.
As you see from this transcript, I feel that the interview was a shameless farrago and I was involved under entirely false pretences.
RH: My next guest is the world renowned elephant and tycoon, Uncle!
Uncle: Thank you, your majesty - I am happy to offer any advice I can on how to conduct your global affairs.
RH: I've got a girlfriend you know.
Uncle: Really ? of course, I meant affairs of a political nature.
RH: It is true to say that you are a large figure on the global stage.
Uncle: Yes, I am well regarded...
RH: A giant figure...
Uncle: Yes, my advice is much sort after by...
Beaver Hateman: Fat ! thats, what you mean Rick me old mate ! a fat dictator !
RH: Ladies and Gentlemen, my other guest today - the popular anarchist Beaver Hateman !
Uncle: I was given assurances that this vile creature would not be present !
Beaver Hateman: Go on ask him about the bike...go on...
RH: Ah yes, now, is it not true that you once stole a bicycle?
Uncle: I made it clear that I would not be answering questions on that particular incident invloving the borrowing of said conveyance in my youth...
Beaver Hateman: He stole a bicycle....He stole a bicycle...
Uncle: Listen, Hateman - I am only here to give guidance to Mister Herring, I'm sorry, his Majesty, on how he should conduct himself as the King of Edinburgh...
RH: What would you advise for my first action then ?
Uncle: I have noticed that there is far too much alcohol being consumed at this 'festival', leading to much out of control behaviour. My advice would be for you to immediately close some of the more disreputable alcohol outlets....
Beaver Hateman: Oh, here we go...
Uncle:...such as the stall I noticed selling that lethal intoxicant known as 'Black Tom' - run I gathered by members of the Badfort Crowd.
RH: The Badfort Crowd - the anarcho syndicalist group organised by Mister Hateman?
Beaver Hateman: Yeah! - as usual the boasting capitalist of Homeward is trying to put the kibosh on other peoples fun !
Uncle: I find that government leaders tend to heed my warnings...
Beaver Hateman: What ?, you mean like the King of the Badgers ? - bunging him dosh to keep him in your pocket?
Uncle: Occasionally, the King of the Badgers finds himself short of funds and asks me for loan - but that does not mean that I expect any favours in return.
Beaver Hateman: Not much, you old tyrant ! - go on Rick ask him for some money...go on...
RH: Well, what would I have to do for it ?
Uncle: Well, something you could do that would really inspire the population, I have found, is if you were to show yourself to the people. It is important for a Monarch to make his presence felt in difficult times. I would suggest that you display yourself in a large perspex box - perhaps wearing placards with inspiring messages? Such as "Pay your rent on time, be an upstanding citizen, and you will always have a friend in the King of Edinburgh"
Beaver Hateman: Do you really think that Rick would debase himself in that way just for a hand out from you!
RH: How much, exactly, would I get ?
The interview carried on in a similar rancorous manner until finally I had no choice but to give both Hateman and The King of Edinburgh a good kicking up.
I had some fear that I might be arrested for treason - but the Old Monkey now informs me that Mister Herring is not a proper King at all.
I have had to cut short my holiday in Sunset Cove in order to deal with the outrageous behavior of the Badfort Crowd.
For what he claims are economic and sociological justifiable reasons, he and his gang of criminals have gone on a looting spree.
"We are robbin' the rich to give to the poor - and there is no one poorer than us!" he declared.
This is clearly not the case, however, as they have targeted high value consumer electronic items rather than the basic necessities of life.
Indeed, they totally ignored Cheapman's store -why steal a motorbike from his emporium when he sells them for only 6d ?
No - Hateman and his cronies rampaged through Dearman's store.
Duncan Dearman has a little shop in a side street opposite Cheapman's huge store. All his goods are frightfully dear.
The Badfort Crowd got away with a number of the latest valve technology televisions - priced at £4,567 3s 6d, an alarm clock with broken bell - priced at £98 6s 9d, and a number of the very latest tablet computers. They struggled with these, because Dearman's models are the size of a paving stone.
Poor old Duncan came to see me in a very distressed state. "My business is ruined !" he cried - how can I possibly replace all this valuable stock?"
Whilst the Old Monkey tried to comfort him, I nipped out to Shankell's Junk Shop.
"I'll take the lot - everything in the store!" I declared.
"Everything!" shouted Shankell with glee. "I'm afraid that will cost you a £100, Sir - it's the best I can do!"
"Money is no object - in these difficult times we must all rally round - have it all delivered to Dearman's store, at once!" I replied.
Dearman was over the moon. "I cannot believe your generosity, Sir. You have completely restocked my shop. These items must have a retail value of a million pounds at least ! - I shall start pricing them up immediately!"
Of course, Dearman has very little business at the prices he charges - but it is his lifes work.
"I do not no how to express my gratitude enough, Sir!" he cried.
"It is enough to see your shop open for business, again!" I demurred.
Meanwhile, Beaver Hateman is furious. "I can't give this tat away!" he fumed as he tried to sell his ill-gotten gains to customers going into Cheapman's.
The repercussions of this dreadful phone hacking business, perpetrated by The Badfort News, continue.
The chief of the Badgertown police has had to resign following the revelations that he enjoyed five week's free accomodation at the Badfort Spa.
"It was hardly luxury - I had to endure mud baths everyday, believe me there is no pleasure in having buckets of mud poured over you by Beaver Hateman !" he claimed.
His words rang hollow to me - there is nothing more I enjoy than a good wallow in a mud bath.
He went on to say "I was not plied with Black Tom, as some have implied. I was pummeled by Jellytussle as he insisted on giving me regular massages. In truth, I believe that they enjoyed torturing a member of his Majesty's police force and I only suffered these five weeks in order to gain valuable information on their anarchist activities. However, I can no longer continue with my duties amidst all these allegations, and I therefore have been forced to resign. I'll take responsibility, but it must be remembered that it is not I that took money for lavish parties !"
The implication is clear. An outrageous slur on my good name!
That is the thanks I get for my philanthropic largesse - it is true that I fund the King of the Badgers Annual Police Ball, but to imply that I do it for any other reason than to salute our boys in blue is scandalous !
After all theses claims and counter-claims regarding dubious journalistic practices at The Homeward Gazette and The Badfort News, it was a relief to be able to just relax last night and enjoy drinks and canapés in the garden of the Consul General’s residence in Los Angeles.
Dame Barbara insisted I come - "The Prince demands it - after all, you are his favourite multi-billionaire elephant!"
The only slightly embarrassing moment was when my old friend Stephen Fry enquired on how my biopic was proceeding.
I have always favoured Stephen to play myself - I feel that he has a wit and intelligence so similar to what I have.
However, Hollywood has it's doubts - citing the fact that he is not so well known across the pond.
They prefer Hugh Laurie for the role - apparently he has gained celebrity in the United States playing a maverick doctor with a wooden leg in a Wodehousian medical farce, if I have understood correctly ?
How to break the news to Stephen that the old Etonian and fellow Cambridge alumni has pipped him at the post ?
This was the irrefutable proof I have been looking for.
This photo shows the kind of circles that Beaver Hateman moves in - and it is therefore no surprise that the News of Badfort has been forced to close.
Hitmouse claims that Mister Hateman was merely there as a waiter and that he had just given that red haired woman a glass of wine.
However, the following transcript of a mobile phone conversation proves that their relationship went deeper than this:
Woman: Oooh, Beaver I love the feel of your sackcloth on my skin - talk to me about the theory of class struggle, applied by Marx to the question of the state and the socialist revolution - you know how excited it gets me !
Beaver: Alright, Rebekah darling - you really got a thing about the working class horny-handed sons of toil, ain't you?
Beaver Hateman, Chief Executive of Badfort News International, has declared that the Badfort News Sunday sister paper, News of Badfort, is to close.
As I reported, two years ago, he is now admitting that hacking was rife at the organisation.
In a statement he declared "It was all Jellytussle's fault and I knew nuffink about it - nor did my dear friend, its chief editor, Hitmouse. He is also completely innocent and just thought Jellytussle had found the telephone numbers in a bin.
We have stuffed Jellytussle in a tin can until he tells us which of the Badgertown police he bribed and then we will give him a good slapping !
We apologise to everyone about what we did and promise we won't do it again in our new Sunday paper "Badfort News on Sunday" - but we got some brill scandal on Unc wot we found going thru his trash cans !"
My dear friend, poor old, Ed Miliband has been on the phone to me today, wringing his hands over what to do about the scandal enveloping the press in Great Britain. "Should I just ignore all the phone-hacking stories ?" he pleaded — "the alternative would be ‘three years of hell’ at the hands of the Murdoch press." he added.
This Murdoch is, apparently, some media Baron - or so the Old Monkey informs me. His empire appears to have been dependent on a very ugly culture of lawbreaking, hacking and impunity. His lackay, some strange red-haired woman, kept ringing me up trying to persuade me to come to some bash he has every year in London.
"I am the richest elephant in the world" I told her "why would I want to come to some tedious affair full of a bunch of sycophants !"
"The Prime Minister is coming !" she declared angrily.
"Yes, that's what I mean !" I replied.
"You need to own your own newspaper, like me," I told Ed. "A respectable organ with none of that shameless shenanigans. Newspapers should stick to useful information - like the dates of fete's and bazaars and reportings of important local events. That sort of thing."
"Oh, and when you are being interviewed at least try not to sound like a stuck record ! - It helps to try and appear more like a living being than a robot." I advised him.
Hopefully, people will boycott these disreputable scandal sheets - like The Badfort News they seem to employ a lot of criminal types.
At least I won't be pestered by that strange red-haired woman, when she is incarcerated at her Majesty's pleasure !
They are a sign of failure on both sides and today’s industrial action is a mistake.
Even with just hours to go I would urge both Doctor Lyre and the students of his Select School for Young Gentlemen to think again.
I will always support parents trying to get their children to school, the mother and father who know the value of a day’s education, and the value of being a good upstanding citizen who pays their rent on time.
On behalf of all the dwarfs of Homeward I urge Doctor Lyre and the students to get back around the common room table and sort this out.
I understand why students are so angry with Doctor Lyre. His teaching methods are unorthodox and his set textbook 'History of Lion Tower' is a load of inaccurate, boring rubbish.
But I urge them to think about whether causing disruption in the classroom will help people understand their arguments.
You do not win public backing for an argument about pensions by inconveniencing your parents.
This is not to excuse Doctor Lyre from taking his share of the blame for these pupil strikes.
He has badly mishandled the whole process.
Telling them that it was necessary to confiscate their pocket money, because they needed to start saving for their pensions right now, was reckless and provocative.
The public deserve better. All sides need to get round the table and back to negotiations.
One has to accept that when one is a world renowned business leader, political figure and all round celebrity, such as myself, that it is inevitable that one's name will crop up frequently in the media.
However, I do wish journalists would get their facts right.
In an article in yesterday's The Telegraph (The Old Monkey informs me that it is a British newspaper) Ms Cristina Odone wrote:
If the worst came to the worst, and her teachers suddenly joined the three-quarters of a million strikers on Thursday, I can entertain my daughter with her favourite “Uncle” books. Or rather, with the early volumes from that quirky Sixties series. The three later books are only available second hand, and are going for more than £1,000. One reason, according to devotees (and J P Martin’s works featuring a fabulously wealthy elephant and his loathsome foe Beaver Hateman command a cult following), is that publisher Jonathan Cape finds the series “classist”. Uncle is unashamed about his wicked wealth, and that, apparently, makes for uncomfortable reading in our egalitarian times. In the week that J K Rowling rewrote the rules of book publishing with her new website for fans, Pottermore, why is the rest of the publishing industry so slothful? Surely some bright spark can bring out replica editions – preferably before the teachers go on strike again.
Once again, undue credit is given to J.P. Martin. He was a lovely man - but he was merely the biographer of my life story. Also, I strongly object to the phrase 'wicked wealth' !
Given, that the many dwarfs of my towers only pay a farthing a week in rent, I hardly think that that my earnings can be described as 'wickedly' acquired. The phrase conjures up images of some Rachmanian slum landlord!
She makes no mention of the great burden that running the vast domain of Homeward places on my shoulders. A burden I happily carry for the greater good. Remember, be an upstanding citizen, pay your rent on time and you will always have a friend in Uncle.
She makes no mention of my great philanthropic works - The Dwarf's Drinking Fountains, to name but one!
She has clearly made no effort to properly research her subject. She holds up the obscure British author J.K.Rowling, and her use of modern technologies, such as the interweb, as an example of how I should be promoting myself !
As my loyal followers will know, I have had a website for many years and one can always read my thoughts and adventures here on this blog!
Here, there is also a School strike this week. The pupils of Doctor Lyre's Select School for Young Gentlemen are all going on strike - they are fed up with all the inaccuracies in Dr Lyre's History of Lion Tower. A singularly tediously boring book.
Last night I went through the strange vortex in the Lost Clinkers Cooling Tower.
I know, after the last incident, that I had promised never to repeat the trip – but I have found myself drawn to it, once again.
Descending in my helicopter, my faithful companion,The Old Monkey and I entered another alternate timestream.
Everything was, again, changed beyond recognition. Time seems to have got itself into a right old mess.
It appears, Beaver Hateman blew me up with a giant duck bomb.
“Sorry mate – had to do it, it were the only way I could to get everything back right in the time continuum – wiv me in charge!” he declared.
Even my vast domain of Homeward was no more – it had turned into a cantankerous old lady who was now demanding rent from me for all the time I had lived in her!
The biggest shock of all was to discover that I was, in fact, married!
I know – as if!
The Old Monkey was furious!
To add insult to injury my wife is not an elephant but a monkey – not even the same species!
The Old Monkey got an even greater shock when he discovered he had a wife and she said my wife was their daughter. Poor thing fainted!
My wife is very tiresome and common – she keeps calling me “Sweetie”!
Even the Old Monkey would not dare to be so familiar – he always calls me “Sir”
Her name is Riverdance, and she is famous for her traditional Irish stepdancing. Tappity tap tap all the bloomin’ day ! What a racket!
I discovered her real name is Stomp Ditch (her mother’s maiden name – says it all really), and she claims she changed her name because they don’t have ditches in the Jungle - but I think she just wanted a more glamorous stage name.
Apparently, I am not well liked in this alternate timestream.
Riverdance says I am a rather pompous Doctor and nobody can read my appalling handwriting.
She says that when she was a baby she was stolen into another timestream by somebody with an eyepatch.
“What pirates, you mean?” I asked irritably.
“No, sweetie – don’t be stupid, they are on our side!” she shouted.
“You have to go and rescue me!” she added.
“But you are here!” I screamed. I was getting quite annoyed now.
“Stupid! You have to go to then so I can be here now!” she screamed back.
I can see that we, clearly, have quite a rocky marriage – I think I might see if I can divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty.
“Yes, that’s why we had to blow you up! Well, that and the fact that you are a fat dictator!” chipped in Beaver – which really only confused me further.
“Yes, we’ve not met, yet.” chimed in Riverdance.
“Yes we have – just now!” I blustered.
“No, stupid! I mean when I was young!” she retorted.
“You mean, I watched you grow up, saw what you became, and still married you?” I exploded.
She gave me a very nasty look.
So, in the end we agreed to go back into the time vortex and try and sort it all out.
“I have made a list of all the things we have to do, Sir.” said the Old Monkey “But, all this timey-wimey stuff is rather confusing, isn't it, Sir?”
“Shall we just go off and have some adventures, instead?” I replied.
“I think that would be a very good idea, Sir” he responded.
Then I woke up. I could hear the Old Monkey running my morning shower.
As you know, that pushy Sarah Palin woman tried to invite herself around for tea at Homeward.
I told her, in no uncertain terms, that she would not be welcome. I am not some political trophy - I know that she just wants to shoot me, so she can have a another photo of a world leader on her wall - as if I was endorsing the rather strange lady.
I could not resist it.
I got Cowgill to hack into Beaver's Twitter account and send an invitation to Sarah Palin for tea at Badfort!
Had a letter this morning from some strange woman who wants to invite herself around for a Tea Party!
She says "I am going to Sudan in July and hope to stop at Homeward on the way. I would be happy to pop in for tea, I admire you so much!"
"Who is this Sarah Palin woman?" I asked the Old Monkey.
"Sarah Palin is nuts. Trundling around the world in a bus, apparently, trying to cadge freebie meals with the great and good." he replied "It would be belittling for you to meet her, Sir. I suspect that she has only asked because she has been rejected by Margaret Thatcher!"
Well, Palin will have to make do with meeting Beaver Hateman instead - should be rather amusing!
It has come to my notice that Beaver Hateman intends to start the revolution tomorrow, outside Badgertown Town Hall, at 4.00 p.m.
Contrary to the claims on Beaver's blog I shall allow it to be broadcast on Homeward TV - on HBC 2.
Everyone will be watching the final of Homeward's Got Talent on HBC 1 anyway - who would want to watch a lot of political nonsense when the dancing dog is on the other side?
Of course, modern technology is totally out of control, I cannot allow Beaver to use Twitter to incite the populace to violence.
Luckily, Cowgill has found a way to hack into Beaver's account and has developed a sofware that replaces inflammatory words with more innocuous ones:
This is Beaver's original Twit:
and this is how it is seen by the citizens of Badgertown:
There us a great deal of controversy, raging in Homeward, over an incident that has taken place over the weekend.
It would appear that whilst Beaver Hateman and a professional footballer (who I cannot name due to a superinjunction) were taking a walk in Monkey and Engine Room Wood they became enraged at the irritating behaviour of the Twitter bird.
They are well known for their ability to mimic human speech and spread gossip amongst the denizens of the Twittersphere. It would seem that they taunted the pair with cries of "Who's been a naughty boy then?"
It is alleged that the footballer took a pot shot at the flock and seriously injured Cock Twitter.
This has caused outrage, as the Twitter is a protected species. A spokeman for the Royal Society for the Preservation of Social Networking Birds stated that "This is a heinous crime - without the Twitter bird how would we know when The King of the Badgers is having his tea?"
The inhabitants of Badgertown have put aside their differences to unite in face of a common enemy.
A fierce band of Honey badgers sought to take advantage of Badgertown's weakness - brought about by the squabbles over the referendum result.
Honey badgers are a piratical bunch of brigands who prey on beleaguered communities - taking them over, asset stripping them and then setting up banks and companies offering financial services.
They are notoriously fearless and tough animals, having been known to savagely attack their enemies. They are tireless in combat and can wear out much larger animals in physical confrontations.
They have short and sturdy legs. The eyes are small, and the ears are little more than ridges on the skin, another possible adaptation to avoiding damage while fighting. A large white band covers their upper bodies, beginning from the top of their heads down to the base of their tails.
They are skilled diggers, being able to dig tunnels into hard ground in 10 minutes. This is believed to be the reason they were so easily able to spring up all around Badgertown.
The battle cry the honey badger is a hoarse "khrya-ya-ya-ya" sound, and their cries could be heard all over the municipality - as they infiltrated the King of the Badgers Palace and the Town Hall!
I must give credit to Beaver Hateman, for a change, he successfully convinced the townspeople to put aside their differences in the face of the onslaught.
None fought more fiercely than the Badfort Crowd themselves. The King of the Badgers managed to escape and raise the alarm - and I was soon able to muster a group of my followers to go to the defence of Badgertown.
I was just administering a good kicking up to the disreputable leader of the Honey badgers and as he threw a duck bomb at the retreating bandits Beaver cried out to me "Got hear in the end did you Unc!, after we done all the hard fighting, I see !"
At least some good has come out of this vicious assault - the citizens of Badgertown have agreed to take down the walls they erected, to divide the town, and decided to try and settle their differences amicably.
I had hoped that The Homevision Song Contest would bring together the strife torn inhabitants of Badgertown.
As you know, following the referendum debacle, the various factions have split the town apart by building walls around their sectors.
So, instead of the usual single entry from Badgertown we had three songs - one from the central district (still called Badgertown and ruled over by the King of the Badgers), one from Progressville and one from Anarchadia (the enclave run by the Badfort Crowd).
All seemed to be going swimmingly, with the various groups applauding each other's songs.
Then Beaver and his cronies got everyone riled up with an awful punk dirge - a vicious attack on the King of the Badgers!
Boom bang-a-bang-bang Blow up the Palace Boom bang-a-bang-bang Down with hereditary monarchy Boom bang-a-bang-bang Throw off the yoke of Badger oppression!
This, of course, received a resounding null points from everyone - except the Badfort contingent.
The winner was a beautifully melodic song, submitted by a very beautiful Crookball lady representing Lonely Tower.
Congratulations and celebrations It is so wonderful to have Uncle as our friend La lalala lalala lalala...La lalala lalala la...
Who would believe that we could be so happy and contented? With such a generous landlord and philanthropist! La lalala lalala lalala...La lalala lalala la...
We were afraid that maybe he thought he was above us But he cares for all his tenants, however lowly! La lalala lalala lalala...La lalala lalala la...
Congratulations and jubilations
We want the world to know we're happy as can be! La lalala lalala lalala...La lalala lalala la...
What lovely sentiments - I blush at their kindness.
As you know, the referendum on a new voting system for the Badgertown Town Council has resulted in a resounding No vote for change.
However the 30% who voted for change, particularly amongst the intelligentsia of Dwarfden, Porkington and Badgerbridge, are furious and have decided to declare independence from Badgertown. They have built a wall around 30% of Badgertown and renamed the area Progressville !
The other 70% have built a wall around the centre of Badgertown.
However, worse was to come. Beaver Hateman insisted that, as 60% of the population had not voted at all, the referendum proved that the majority of the citizens wanted anarchy. He argued that it showed that the Badfort Party had a clear mandate to take power and has set up an independent state within Badgertown called Anarchadia !.
It has to be said that he has won a lot of people over, declaring that they do not need to choose between pubs or cafes and can have both! A generous offer considering that the Badfort Crowd only ever drink Black Tom.
The Badfort Crowd have been busy building barricades around the remaining areas of Badgertown - leaving the King of the Badgers, surrounded by walls, in an enclave in the centre.
Beaver Hateman has blocked rail and road access, so, in what has become known as the Badgertown Airlift, I am using my helicopter to bring in supplies for the beleaguered citizens.
Dave "the biscuit" Macaroon, Mayor of Badgertown, is telling everyonme to calm down.
Nick 'Cream' Custard, the Mayoress, is hiding in a cupboard. The King of the Badgers is furious with him - after all this referendum idea was all his. I warned the King that it would just open up a can of worms!
As you know, the Badgertown Town Council Election, last year, resulted in a hung Council.
Dave "the biscuit" Macaroon became Mayor and Nick 'Cream' Custard became Mayoress. This meant that he had to wear a dress, and although he was not happy about this - he agreed to do it for the sake of stable government.
As part of the coalition agreement, Dave agreed to have a vote on voting reform.
The campaign has been quite acrimonious, to say the least!
All was going quite well for the Yes campaign until Dan Snowy-Badger (the only albino badger in Badgertown!) decided to make a video explaining how the AV system would work.
It was all about choosing whether to go to the pub or a cafe - but this, of course, incensed the badgers of Badgertown - who are quite conservative and all teetotal!
Extraordinarily, however, it did manage to win over quite a few of the Badfort Crowd who were going to vote No to reform. They like nothing more than a pint of Black Tom down the pub!
However, things got very confused when the badgers thought that it would mean that the Badfort Crowd would be able to vote to all go round to a badger's set for a Knees Up!
We all know that badgers have strong views on their sets. A badger's set is his refuge - hence the dictum "A Badgertown badger's set is his bunker"
Not surprisingly, many of the dwarfs have been confused by the idea. As one remarked "I like Dan Snowy-Badger. He comes across as wise but still the kind of chap you’d go for a pint with but it promotes drinking beer and I need to lose weight. I can’t drink beer - could I still order a white wine spritzer under AV?"
This has resulted in a resounding No vote in the AV referendum.
Well, I say resounding - 70% voted No and 30% voted Yes, but, 60% did not vote at all because they were all inebriated from spending the afternoon down the pub, and said that they had really intended to vote for going to a nightclub but had got to befuddled to count how many others wanted to go!
They all ended up in the Cafe, anyway, having a strong black coffee to sober themselves up!
I know that you are all desperate to hear news of how the Royal Wedding fiasco ended.
As you know, Beaver Hateman ran off with the bride before vows could be exchanged.
This prompted a constitutional crisis - Beaver Hateman declared himself the new King of the Badgers and exhorted, from the balcony of the Town Hall, all badgers to follow him and their favourite Princess.
"O.K. but first you have to prove you love each other!" declared one young badger.
"Yeah.Kiss her! Kiss her!" chanted the crowd.
As the Princess looked adoringly into Beaver's eyes it looked as if all was lost.
The game would have been up - if it were not for the Old Monkey's eagle eyes.
"I spotted Hitmouse spiking the Princess's drink prior to the ceremony, Sir." he informed me.
"He poured in a vial of Gleamhound's Hate Potion!"
Gleamhound's medicines are all very good, but they act the wrong way. For instance, his headache Mixture gives you a frightful headache, his Jumbo Bunion Destroyer is well calculated to rouse bunions on a perfectly healthy foot. His Jacob's Eye Salve can put your eyes out for weeks, whereas his Punishment Eyesight Irritant (for enemies) will often cure people who have had to wear glasses for years.
"I have taken the precaution of advising the Prince to put some of Gleamhound's Love Potion into her champagne glass on the balcony - it should be beginning to take effect about now." added the Old Monkey.
At that moment, to the delight of the crowd, Beaver leaned in to kiss the Princess - but, as if awakening from a dream, she slapped his face and shouted "Get off me you horrible little oik! Ugh! you smell disgusting - and how dare you wear that awful sackcloth outfit on my wedding day? Where is my Prince?"
At this point the Prince stepped out onto the balcony and, to rousing cheers from the crowd, took her in his arms and kissed her.
"Oh, my hero!" sighed the Princess.
Thus, this lingering kiss on the balcony averted a constitutional revolution and saved Badgertown from having an anarchist commoner (not even a badger!) King!
Of course, I appreciate that you are all keen to hear what happened after the Royal Wedding fiasco. However, this must wait as far more important news has come in.
Homeward has been listed as the best castle in the Top Ten castles of the world!
Mister John Mullan has compiled the list for The Guardian newspaper of Great Britain.
Due to an error, on the part of some editor I imagine, the list has been printed back to front - with Homeward at the bottom!
Even more bizarrely - most of the castles appear to be fictitious!
I have therefore composed my own list which I believe more accurately displays the virtues of the great castles of the world.
Homeward is hard to describe, but try to think of about a hundred skyscrapers all joined together and surrounded by a moat with a drawbridge over it, and you'll get some idea. The towers are of many colours, and there are bathing pools and gardens amongst them, also switchback railways running from tower to tower, and water-chutes from top to bottom. It is, of course, the largest (and most glorious) castle in the world - larger than Manhattan!
So legendary is Homeward that it has been immortalised in song many times:
Forget Manhattan, I'll take Homeward, the Moat, and Lonely Tower too, it's lovely going through the zoo
It's very fancy on old Uncle Street, you know.
The switchback charms us so, when balmy breezes blow to and fro.
And tell me what tower compares with Lion Tower in July.
All other castles are much smaller and of little architectural interest.
Royal palace in the Bavarian Alps of Germany, the most famous of three royal palaces built for Louis II of Bavaria, sometimes referred to as Mad King Ludwig, who grew up nearby at Hohenschwangau Castle. I'm not surprised he was mad - looks like something out of a Disney movie!
Palace of Versailles
Let them eat cake indeed! - it looks like a cheap wedding cake!Not even a proper castle!
Chateau de Chamonceau
Again - not even a proper castle. It was built on the site of an old mill on the River Cher and is really nothing more than a glorified mill!
Chateau du Chambord
Alright, if you like that sort of thing - I suppose.
A lot of schloss if you ask me!
Tower of London
Who would want to live there ! It's more like a prison!
Tiny, and the maze is rubbish!
Not my cup of tea - barely bigger than the Great Hall of Homeward.
Mont Saint Michel
Cut off by the sea half the time - and having to listen to those monks chanting all the time - what a bore!
The Royal Wedding between Prince Bill Royal-Badger and Katie Middleclass-Badger has gone pear-shaped!
To make matters worse, the whole fiasco has been transmitted live to billions, around the world!
This is a transcript of the event, as broadcast by the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation, with commentary by the newsreader Huge Eddie.
Bishop Badger: If there is anyone present, who knows of any just cause why this couple may not be lawfully joined in marriage, make it now known or forever after keep your peace.
Huge Eddie: There seems to be some kerfuffle going on at the back of the Church? I can see an ugly looking man in sackcloth shouting...I think it is Beaver Hateman?... Beaver Hateman: Katie...Katie...Katie... King of the Badgers: Who is that? What's he doing? Uncle: I'll take care of him Old Monkey: He's too late Huge Eddie: This is astonishing...I can see Uncle running down the aisle! I think that he is going to kick Beaver up! Katie: (screaming) Beaver! Huge Eddie: Beaver has dodged around Uncle...he has grabbed Katie's hand and is pulling her toward the doors! The Bishop is trying to stop him! Beaver Hateman: Out of my way! Huge Eddie: Beaver has hit him over the head with a jar of Black Tom! Uncle has grabbed hold of Katie's wrist! Uncle: Katie - it's too late. Katie: Not for me. I have always been a secret anarchist! Huge Eddie: Katie has pulled away from Uncle and jumped on a wooden-legged donkey with Beaver! They are escaping down the mall!
No wonder the King of the Badgers wanted to hush up the information I had discovered of an affair between Beaver Hateman and a student at St.Andrews!
It was not to spare the blushes of the Queen of England, but his own!
Katie Middleclass Badger attended St.Andrews in 2001.
Despite the fact that Kate Middleton is a human and Katie Middleclass is a badger, one can see, with the similarities of surname, how the confusion arose.
It is bedlam now, here at Badgertown. The many street parties have descended into riots, with Prince Bill factions fighting Princess Katie supporters.
I knew Beaver Hateman was up to something! He has achieved his aim, as Badgertown descends into anarchy!
I was intending to write today of some scandalous news I have recieved from a contact in the United Kingdom. It concerns a well known anarchist leader from Badfort and his relationship with a young lady student whilst he was engaged in 'teaching' political studies at St.Andrews University (in Scotland) during 2001.
Unfortunately, the King of the Badgers has issued a super injunction preventing me from disclosing any further details.
"One is in enough trouble with the Queen of England as it is!" he shouted at me. "I put you in charge of sorting out my son's wedding shindig, and you go and schedule it on the same day as Lizzie's bash!"
I was furious! After all, he conned me into paying for the jamboree! How was I to know that some minor European royal would choose to have their wedding on the same day!
Apparently, The Queen of England is furious about the fact that, due to my superior wedding planning skills, her grandson's wedding 'do' has been completely overshadowed by the Badger Royal Wedding.
It is true, billions are expected to watch the two badgers tie the knot on TV around the world.
The Badgertown Broadcasting Corpration have really gone to town with their coverage, as can be seen by clicking on their website, above.
The Americans love anything to do with royalty and were intending to make a big deal over William and Kate's marriage - but with the yanks, nothing trumps Royal Badgers.
I fear that The Queen will not be keen to hear further bad news, especially from myself. But, the United Kingdom faces the greatest threat to political stability that it has ever known. How can I not warn them of the anarchist cuckoo in in the Constitutional Monarch's nest?
It has proven to be a diplomatic and political minefield.
Everyone, of course, had assumed that the bride and bridegroom's carriage would be drawn by the Respectable Horses.
There are four Respectable Horses, Mayhave Crunch and his three sisters Anna, Anne and Annette.
They always look so neat and tidy, and it's wonderful to see how smooth and black their coats are. Near the throat they have a patch of white almost like a clergyman's collar, and they always have well-brushed hooves. The Respectable Horses are never driven. They just put themselves between the shafts and drive off.
The King of the Badgers is in a quandary, however. Beaver Hateman is determined that the coach should be drawn by the wooden-legged donkey, ridden by himself, and his brother the wooden-headed donkey.
It is a strange request, given that the Badfort Crowd are a bunch of anti-royalist anarchists, and I am sure that Beaver Hateman is up to no good.
But, with the Badgertown Town Council elections looming, the King of the Badgers wants to make the the affair as inclusive as possible and not to antagonise the Badfort Party - who he may have to negotiate with after the polls.
The thought of the Royal Coach being pulled by a couple of mangy donkeys is an anathema to me - it will make a mockery of the majesty of the event. No doubt, that is Beaver Hateman's intention.
I woke up this morning, not having had a good night's sleep, feeling quite tired and groggy.
A quick dose of Gleamhound's Sleepeazee (his wonderful concoctions always work backwards) and I soon felt wide awake and ready for action. Full of natural ingredients it has a remarkable restorative effect.
What better, I thought, for breakfast than one of Butterskin Mute's Juicy Organic Pumpkins. They are always so plump and juicy - full of flavour and a a must-have for holiday cooking.
The weather being so marvelous, I decided to book a week at Wolf Lodge. Miss Amy Wolf is a wonderful host and her terms are very reasonable. Her hot cocoa is a delight. The bathroom is refurbished with fresh new tiles and heaters. New lighting, curtains and carpets throughout. A DVD Player and screen has been added to the upstairs bedroom, along with and ipod docking station.
Ideal to enjoy Sunset Beach, whether you're relaxing or being active, you'll find it adapts to your wishes.
But, I know what you are thinking, I will need transport when I get there, won't I?
Luckily, Cheapman is doing a special offer on bicycles at the moment!
Bicycle design and engineering has been evolving rapidly in the past 20 years and there is much more to be seen when it comes to design and functionality.
Cheapman's is Badgertown's leading retailer of cycles and accessories. With over 100 years of cycling Heritage and superb brand choice, Cheapman's is best placed to help you find the right bike. Cheapman's has the largest selection of cycles and accessories in Badgertown and sells more bikes than any other retailer!
I bought this bike for only 5 guineas 12s 6d !
Phew! well that should pay the running costs of my blog for the rest of the year!
There have been outrageous allegations made against my person on Badfort TV and in the Badfort News:
Uncle, best-selling author, philanthropist, dictator and favourite of President Barack Obama is fighting off another title: fraudster. The influential author of "Three Cups of Tea, Two Bunches of Bananas, and a Scone" has become the latest bestselling memoir writer to be accused of passing off fiction as fact.
Uncle's book is an inspirational tale of an elephant who finds a remote village after climbing to the top of Lonely Tower, the Homeward's highest skyscraper.
It is so high that the whole tower bends in the wind.
He is taken in by Crookball people and three cups of tea, two bunches of bananas, and a scone later he promises to build them a school.
The charity inspired by the encounter has raised $60m and in 2009 said it was supporting 54 schools in across Homeward serving 28,475 students. Obama donated $100,000 to the group from the proceeds of his Nobel prize. The book has become required reading in the US of A.
But reporters for Badfort TV's 60 Minutes programme visited almost 30 of the schools and claimed that roughly half were empty, built by someone else or not receiving any support.
The programme alleged that Uncle's charity, Uncle's Crookball Institute (UCI), spent more on book promotion and publicity than on building schools. Uncle took private jets to events where he was paid $30,000 to speak, according to the programme, and former associates accused him of using UCI as his own "private ATM".
These are scandalous lies! My reputation a a great benefactor has been impugned!
The schools are full of Crookballs who are all very grateful for my assistance!