Hateman Saves Christmas !

We were not looking forward to a very merry Christmas here at Homeward.

Following my contretemps with the European Community they have blockaded Homeward.

We were therefore trying to make the best of Christmas, with my finances depleted and none of the usual imported festive treats.

Beaver had taken advantage of the situation and launched a full scale aerial bombardment with Treacle Bombs (that he stored up after the Great Treacle Tower Flood) in an effort to depose me.

Imagine, my surprise, therefore, when instead of the expected rain of sticky missives from Mister Hateman's plane this morning - many brightly coloured parcels started to rain from the sky !

The folk of Homeward scurried around picking up the various parcels. They were full of all sorts of goodies - puddings, mince pies and other Christmas delicacies.

"Look, Sir, a big parcel with your name on it!" cried the Old Monkey.

Before I had the chance to start unwrapping it, out burst Beaver Hateman !

"Hi Unc, sworn enemies we may be mate, but we always have a truce at Christmas and you always lay on a slap up meal for us - just to show you that the Worker's Revolutionary party can organise just as good a do as a fat billionaire we decided to return the favour !" declared Beaver.

"All stolen, I presume ?" I replied sternly.

"Of course, mate - we nicked it all from the EU food mountains !" cackled Beaver.

"Well done - excellent intiative!" said I, with a smile.

I have to say it was one of the best Christmas Eve parties we have had, here at Homeward, - despite the Badfort Crowd's dubious musical contributions.

The people's flag is deepest red,
It shrouded oft our martyr'd dead
And ere their limbs grew stiff and cold,
Their hearts' blood dyed its ev'ry fold.
Then raise the scarlet standard high,
Within its shade we'll live and die,
Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer,
We'll keep the red flag flying here.

Very Well, Alone

 

 You will appreciate that, with the current global situation, I have not had time to avail you with my usual missives from Homeward for some months.

My advice has been in great demand from many world leaders, as they struggle with their economic woes.

Firstly, I was offered a large remuneration by the Greeks to sort out their terrible financial deficits.

All I can say is, beware Greeks bearing gifts. Riots broke out, merely, because I advised them to stop breaking plates if you cannot afford to pay for them!

Then, the Italians wanted me to replace Berlusconi. "We need someone well respected around the world, a smart technocrat, like you !" begged Italy's President.

The word "technocracy" comes from the Greek words "tekhne", meaning skill, and "kratos" meaning power. Technocrats thus literally promise to be "problem solvers" – politicians who make decisions based on their expertise or specialist knowledge of a particular subject, rather than to please a particular interest group or political party. 

Being a world-renowned Entrepreneur, I would, of course, have been well suited for the role. Then there was a lot of fuss about the "democratic deficit" involved in appointing a non-Italian of the family Elephantidae. Apparently, many Italians still bare a grudge for my ancestors involvement in Hannibal's attack on Rome. So, I declined the offer.

Homeward, for dimensional, rather than geographic or political, reasons is not part of the European Community.

However, I am always invited to contribute at their summits - as a major player on the world stage.

But at the last summit I was left isolated.

What can I say - Infamy ! they've all got it in for me !

No surprise that the Greeks and Italians were still smarting from my comments - but I was disappointed by the envy shown by Germany over our hard working dwarfs and by the British over the fact that Homeward bankers do as I tell them. Mister Cameron seemed particularly jealous of this fact. 

The French, of course, have always hated the fact that Chateau Homeward is the finest wine in the world.

Then they all turned on me and demanded that I reduce the cost of the Helium 3 from my Moonbase mine !

When I told them that I would do no such thing, they decided that they would blockade Homeward and stop all imports of my goods !

Over the last month times have become very hard - my treasury is much depleted. Of course, Beaver Hateman has taken advantage of the situation and demands that the EU should be assuaged by my exile and the declaration of a Worker's Republic !

He has launched a full scale aerial bombardment with Treacle Bombs that he stored up after the Great Treacle Tower Flood.

The EU has refused to offer aid, unless I exceed to their demands.

Very well, alone !

My Marathon Swim Completed !

I gathered my strength this morning for the final day of my epic 140-mile swim around the Moat of Homeward.

The Old Monkey has hailed me as "Homeward's sweetheart".

Hundreds ofThousands of cheering fans greeted me last night as I made it to the Drawbridge after a 21-mile stint - my longest day so far.

To date, my extraordinary efforts have raised more than £90 5s 6d for charity.

Despite the Badfort Crowd's best efforts to sabotage my endeavours, by letting loose rats in the moat, I have persevered against all odds. Why, I even managed to save a crookball person who fell from Lonely Tower into the moat !

I did get a bit of a dodgy tummy during the swim - so I put myself on a strict diet of only one bunch of banana's and one bucket of cocoa a day during my feat of endurance !

Interview with the King of Edinburgh

Mister Richard Herring asked me if I would be willing to be interviewed for his Edinburgh Fringe Podcasts, or RHEFP's as they have become known.

As you know, I do not normally do interviews. I am not one for blowing my own trunk - although I am somewhat classified as a 'celebrity' I prefer to remain as much out of the harsh glare of the limelight as possible. Accept, of course, at times when I must appear at public events such as the World Summit's.

Also, I must say that Mister Herring and I have had some disagreement on Twitter regarding the best uses for the internet. In my opinion it is not the place for 'comedy' but should be used to disseminate public information and advice on good citizenship.

However, The Old Monkey informed me that Mister Herring had recently acceded the throne of Edinburgh.

"No doubt, Sir, he has heard of the sage advice that you offer the King of the Badgers." he advised.

"Hmmm, well I am always willing to offer counsel to royalty - as long as he does not try and tap me for a loan like the King of the Badgers !" I chuckled.

As you see from this transcript, I feel that the interview was a shameless farrago and I was involved under entirely false pretences.

RH: My next guest is the world renowned elephant and tycoon, Uncle!


Uncle: Thank you, your majesty - I am happy to offer any advice I can on how to conduct your global affairs.


RH: I've got a girlfriend you know.


Uncle: Really ? of course, I meant affairs of a political nature.


RH: It is true to say that you are a large figure on the global stage.


Uncle: Yes, I am well regarded...


RH: A giant figure...


Uncle: Yes, my advice is much sort after by...


Beaver Hateman: Fat ! thats, what you mean Rick me old mate ! a fat dictator !


RH: Ladies and Gentlemen, my other guest today - the popular anarchist Beaver Hateman !


Uncle: I was given assurances that this vile creature would not be present !

Beaver Hateman: Go on ask him about the bike...go on...


RH: Ah yes, now, is it not true that you once stole a bicycle?


Uncle: I made it clear that I would not be answering questions on that particular incident invloving the borrowing of said conveyance in my youth...


Beaver Hateman: He stole a bicycle....He stole a bicycle...


Uncle: Listen, Hateman - I am only here to give guidance to Mister Herring, I'm sorry, his Majesty, on how he should conduct himself as the King of Edinburgh...

RH: What would you advise for my first action then ?


Uncle: I have noticed that there is far too much alcohol being consumed at this 'festival', leading to much out of control behaviour. My advice would be for you to immediately close some of the more disreputable alcohol outlets....


Beaver Hateman: Oh, here we go...


Uncle:...such as the stall I noticed selling that lethal intoxicant known as 'Black Tom' - run I gathered by members of the Badfort Crowd.


RH: The Badfort Crowd - the anarcho syndicalist group organised by Mister Hateman?


Beaver Hateman: Yeah! - as usual the boasting capitalist of Homeward is trying to put the kibosh on other peoples fun !


Uncle: I find that government leaders tend to heed my warnings...


Beaver Hateman: What ?, you mean like the King of the Badgers ? - bunging him dosh to keep him in your pocket?


Uncle: Occasionally, the King of the Badgers finds himself short of funds and asks me for loan - but that does not mean that I expect any favours in return.


Beaver Hateman: Not much, you old tyrant ! - go on Rick ask him for some money...go on...


RH: Well, what would I have to do for it ?


Uncle: Well, something you could do that would really inspire the population, I have found, is if you were to show yourself to the people. It is important for a Monarch to make his presence felt in difficult times. I would suggest that you display yourself in a large perspex box - perhaps wearing placards with inspiring messages? Such as "Pay your rent on time, be an upstanding citizen, and you will  always have a friend in the King of Edinburgh"


Beaver Hateman: Do you really think that Rick would debase himself in that way just for a hand out from you!


RH: How much, exactly, would I get ?

The interview carried on in a similar rancorous manner until finally I had no choice but to give both Hateman and The King of Edinburgh a good kicking up.

I had some fear that I might be arrested for treason - but the Old Monkey now informs me that Mister Herring is not a proper King at all.

Aggressive Late Night Shopping

I have had to cut short my holiday in Sunset Cove in order to deal with the outrageous behavior of the Badfort Crowd.

For what he claims are economic and sociological justifiable reasons, he and his gang of criminals have gone on a looting spree.

"We are robbin' the rich to give to the poor - and there is no one poorer than us!" he declared.

This is clearly not the case, however, as they have targeted high value consumer electronic items rather than the basic necessities of life.


Indeed, they totally ignored Cheapman's store -why steal a motorbike from his emporium when he sells them for only 6d ?


No - Hateman and his cronies rampaged through Dearman's store.


Duncan Dearman has a little shop in a side street opposite Cheapman's huge store. All his goods are frightfully dear.

The Badfort Crowd got away with a number of the latest valve technology televisions - priced at £4,567 3s 6d, an alarm clock with broken bell - priced at £98 6s 9d, and a number of the very latest tablet computers. They struggled with these, because Dearman's models are the size of a paving stone.


Poor old Duncan came to see me in a very distressed state. "My business is ruined !" he cried - how can I possibly replace all this valuable stock?"


Whilst the Old Monkey tried to comfort him, I nipped out to Shankell's Junk Shop.


"I'll take the lot - everything in the store!" I declared. 


"Everything!" shouted Shankell with glee. "I'm afraid that will cost you a £100, Sir - it's the best I can do!"


"Money is no object - in these difficult times we must all rally round - have it all delivered to Dearman's store, at once!" I replied.


Dearman was over the moon. "I cannot believe your generosity, Sir. You have completely restocked my shop. These items must have a retail value of a million pounds at least ! - I shall start pricing them up immediately!"

Of course, Dearman has very little business at the prices he charges - but it is his lifes work.


"I do not no how to express my gratitude enough, Sir!" he cried.


"It is enough to see your shop open for business, again!" I demurred.


Meanwhile, Beaver Hateman is furious. "I can't give this tat away!" he fumed as he tried to sell his ill-gotten gains to customers going into Cheapman's.


His anger has spilled over into making outrageous and libelous claims about me !

Badgertown Police Chief Resigns

The repercussions of this dreadful phone hacking business, perpetrated by The Badfort News, continue.

The chief of the Badgertown police has had to resign following the revelations that he enjoyed five week's free accomodation at the Badfort Spa.

"It was hardly luxury - I had to endure mud baths everyday, believe me there is no pleasure in having buckets of mud poured over you by Beaver Hateman !" he claimed.

His words rang hollow to me - there is nothing more I enjoy than a good wallow in a mud bath.

He went on to say "I was not plied with Black Tom, as some have implied. I was pummeled by Jellytussle as he insisted on giving me regular massages. In truth, I believe that they enjoyed torturing a member of his Majesty's police force and I only suffered these five weeks in order to gain valuable information on their anarchist activities. However, I can no longer continue with my duties amidst all these allegations, and I therefore have been forced to resign. I'll take responsibility, but it must be remembered that it is not I that took money for lavish parties !"

The implication is clear. An outrageous slur on my good name!

That is the thanks I get for my philanthropic largesse - it is true that I fund the King of the Badgers Annual Police Ball, but to imply that I do it for any other reason than to salute our boys in blue is scandalous !

Jellytussle hits back !

As you know, Beaver Hateman has made Jellytussle the scapegoat for the phone hacking that went on at the now defunct News of Badfort.

Jellytussle is furious about this and he has hit back with his own allegations against Editor-in-Chief, and investigative reporter, Hitmouse.

Here is how it has been reported in the Homeward Gazette.

Jellytussle accuses the Hitmouse of forcing him to come into work wearing an Uncle outfit and being required to impersonate the tycoon and philanthropist.

"I had to waddle around the office shouting "I'm a fat tyrant - feed me, feed me!" declared Jellytussle. "then they would all throw skewers at me and scream "Down with Unc!, Down with Unc!"

 Hitmouse responded to this allegation "Yes, I asked him to be Unc; yes, he had a costume, it was good for morale - it psyched us up to find the dirt on the great dictator!"