Since my annual Homeward Christmas card was sent out earlier this week, there have been a number of scurrilous rumours claiming that I am a member of some worldwide organisation conspiring to control world affairs by masterminding events and planting agents in governments and corporations to establish a New World Order and gain further political power and influence !
Going by the hysterical reaction, anyone would imagine that, just because I am a world renowned celebrity, I belong to some weird Kardashian cult.
Let me make this clear, the pyramid shaped Christmas tree was the idea of the photographer, some dubious character by the name of Dave Chapel. I had my suspicions, he claimed that just because he wore a sackcloth robe it did not mean that he had any connection with the Badfort Crowd. He insisted he wore it for purely aesthetic reasons, and because he suffered from piles.
I now know that he is a fully paid up member of the Badfort Revolutionary Front and that this has been a despicable attempt to undermine my good name.
Christmas will soon be upon us, and, once again, I have the tricky problem of deciding what to put in the stockings of all my dear friends. Last year I treated them all to a tin of Whooshmeat - I find luxury comestibles are always well received at this time of year.
The happy day was only marred by the fact that, unbeknownst to myself, the Badfort Crowd had sneakily followed me as I delivered the gift. They placed mousetraps upon said tins, making the operation of a tin opener well-nigh impossible for the recipients swollen fingers.
This year the choice is simple - I shall, of course, be distributing copies of the splendid newly printed 'The Complete Uncle'. I must say that I am rather enamoured of the gold and purple cover - so sophisticated, so dignified. As the Old Monkey has commented 'Very like your own self, Sir!"
It is not too late to order up this edifying tome for your loved ones, either directly from the publisher here:
The Book Depository offer free shipping worldwide, and has 25% off, so might be the best
place to buy if you're not in the UK.
I am so pleased that my followers outside Homewrad will now be able to purchase the complete biography - despite some inacuuracies about my life, it contains many pearls of wisdom on good citizenship. We are all very grateful to Marcus Gipps for making this possible - apparently the finished cover will be silver foil stamped onto blue cloth.
means that more money goes to my biographer J.P.Martin's family and Quentin Blake, who illustrated the books. It irks me somewhat that as the subject of the books I recieve no royalties - but as the Old Monkey pointed out "You are already as rich as old Croesus, Sir!", which is a valid point, I suppose.
The Homeward Gazette will not back down in its battle with Beaver Hateman.
I advised the newspaper not to issue an apology for the editorial I wrote concerning Beaver Hateman's father.
Beaver Hateman has consistently claimed that his father was a rabid anarchist, like himself, and a great influence on his political thinking. It is therefore only right to investigate the background of the man. To this end I sent my detective, A.B. Fox, to rummage through the trash cans outside Badfort.
As I exclusively revealed, in my editorial, it is clear now that Ralf Hateman was a stockbroker from Purley and an out and out capitalist.
Far from dressing in the trademark anarchist sackcloth garb of the Badfort Crowd, Ralf Hateman preferred a pinstriped three-piece suit. In fact, he was the picture of sartorial elegance and could be seen regularly at 8.00 a.m. on the fast train to Loadsamoney Tower.
He built Badfort in the 1930's and, despite Beaver's claims that it's ramshackle nature was an anarchic riposte to the capilist monolithism of Homeward, his writings clearly show that he hated the place because it was such a tip.
Hateman Senior's intention was to build a home that rivalled Homeward in it's opulence and ostentation. However, a share deal that became mired in accustations of skullduggery and litigation forced him to complete the project with the cheapest of materials. His home became a symbol of his own failed ambition.
Beaver Hateman has issued a statement that is typically blunt:
"My father loved Badfort and the anarchist cause. As always, the fat tyrant of Homeward seeks to smear my family by questioning our values. This, from an elephant of the jungle who lives by the law of the jungle!"
The lands to the North of Badgertown are, indeed, a desolate place.
They were once the centre of an industrial revolution. There were mill towns, textile centres, shipyards, and mining towns.
However, now that the economic centre has moved to the Southern areas around Badgertown there are large, sparsely inhabited, areas.
The Northern nether regions of Badgertown are almost a separate country to the Southern environs, one of the main causes being the migration of young professional badgers from the north to work in Badgertown itself.
The Northern badgers are a strange folk - they live in rows of terraced burrows, wear flat caps, race pigeons and play brass musical instruments.
There has been much furore, in the region, over the King of the Badgers decision to grant a license to the Badfort Crowd to use hydraulic fracturing, or fracking, to recover gas and oil from shale rock.
For this purpose they have recruited a number of dwarfs (experts in the process) to carry out exploratory drilling.
However, the drill site in has been the scene of anti-fracking protests
for the past week, with demonstrators facing off against Beaver Hateman over
the controversial technique.
Mister Hateman chucked a bucket of water over them shouting "The North is a right old dump! You should be bloomin grateful - ain't I promised to donate to setting up some whippet and pigeon clubs for you lot? what more you want?"
There was cause for great celebration in Badgertown last week - Prince Bill Badger and Lady Katie Badger had a baby boy !
The King of the Badgers was over the moon and there have been scenes of much rejoicing in Badgertown.
All eyes have been on Katie's changing pregnancy shape over the last few months but she has always been super-fit and I'm sure she'll be back to her pre-baby shape in no time, helping her husband dig their new burrow next to the King of the Badgers Palace.
So great has interest been in the Royal baby, that stockists say that they have sold out of the Royal Blue swaddle blanket that he was seen wrapped in on leaving hospital.
The new baby has been named Georgy Porgy Badger, after the King of the Badgers father.
Further good news - The Mayor of Badgertown, Dave "the biscuit" Macaroon, has finally decided to crackdown on the Badgertown immigration problem.
Despised in so many countries, Badgertown has been flooded with Tax advisors and accountants seeking asylum.
Lacking basic digging skills, they have been unable to find suitable employment and many, as much as 2%, have taken to a life of petty crime.
The Town Council have launched a mobile billboard campaign telling illegal immigrants to "go home or face arrest”. However, the notorious "Mr Big", said to have advised Starbucks, Amazon and Google, is holed up in a vast underground burrow and refuses to come out.