Uncle's Day is a celebration, that the inhabitants of Homeward insist on having, honouring me and recognising the many charitable donations I have made over the past year, and the influence I have had on good citizenship in Homeward society.
The Crookball people always get terribly excited over the event and like to parade through the many towers of my domain with banners.
I have, also this week, had the great pleasure of opening the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation's new state of the art facility at Broadcasting Tower.
I was very keen to see how the £98 million I had lent the King of the Badgers for a super duper new digital media system had been spent. This very clever system enables programme makers to call up any material in digital format at the touch of a button !
I was looking forward to seeing a very old film of the day I first accepted the keys of Homeward from Wizard Blenkinsop. I don't know what went wrong - smoke started pouring out of the computer and everyone got into a panic. Luckily they managed to dust off an old projector and I was able to watch the film over a nice bucket of cocoa and a bunch of bananas.
I think I will have to have a word with the King about that 92 million, though. I very much hope he has not spent it on a new coach.
On Uncle's Day the I also give out my annual awards and honours. I have made the Old Monkey a knight, he is now Sir Old Monkey of Monkey-and-Engine-Room Wood.
The media tycoon, Rupert Miser, is a MUG. He received the Most Uncilicious Order of the Garter.
Unfortunately, this led to more broadcasting traumas and accusations against my goodself. Unbeknownst to me, it appears that Mr Miser has been funding Badfort TV. I would never have honoured him if I had been aware that he was enabling their dissemination of half truths and lies.
Thank goodness, the plug was pulled on the station and it is now off air. It appears that Mister Miser accused Beaver Hateman of profligacy when he discovered that the drinks vending machine in their studios had been tampered with so that no money needed to be put in.
The Badfort News is now attempting to claim that the real reason for Mister Miser's actions has more to do with the award I have bestowed upon him. A quid pro quo, if you will, for a gong.
Rumours abound, however, that the true reason for Mister Miser's behaviour may have more to do with Beaver Hateman's amorous dalliances with his wife.
Not a very sensible way for a political leader to behave.
This weekend was the final of that ever popular television show "Homeward's Got Talent".
Distraction, a group of shadow badger dancers from Badgertown, reduced all of the judges to tears with a Homeward themed performance that included a rendition of "Hail, Glorious Uncle" and excerpts from one of my sterling exultation's on the importance of good citizenship.
Somehow, they even managed to contort their bodies into a representation of the skyscrapers of my vast domain with myself depicted atop its ramparts !
Not surprisingly, they won the most public votes - despite some carping from the dwarfs, of my many towers, who moaned that we might as well rename the programme "Badgertown's Got Talent".
They were none to happy about the fact that the performance of the two singing dwarfs, who had also made it to the final, was marred by a rather nasty egg throwing incident.
It appears that Hitmouse had disguised himself as a dwarf, in order to infiltrate their backing singers.
So incensed was he by what he described as "all this sucking up to the fat tyrant" that right in the middle of the duos rendition of "Oh what a friend we have in Uncle" he ran forward and threw eggs at all of us judges. The King of the Badgers got yolk all down his ermine and I got an egg in my face!
You will be very pleased to know that the website about me http://uncle-tv.com/ has been updated with all the latest news.
It is full of inaccuracies, of course.
It is amazing how many people have fallen for the idea, put around by my biographer, that my life is a work of fiction created by the Reverend Martin !
However, it has some interesting facts about my good works and the nefarious Badfort Crowd.
Also, good news on the re-publication of my biographies in Great Britain - the Kickstarter project has been fully funded and is over now - fear not, though, you can still order copies of this magnificent tome from Mister Marcus Gipps at http://gipps.org.uk/The_Complete_Uncle.html
Rather an important issue, given that goverments appear to have decided to base their policies on their findings!
It brought to mind the scandalous mystery of the Badfort Rate Rebate - another case of figures just not adding up right.
I remember, one morning, getting a very agitated telephone call from the King of the Badgers.
"You must come over, at once, Uncle - it is inexplicable problem - it makes no sense at all. We need a great mind, such as your own, to find a solution!" he wept.
I arrived at his Palace to find him in a very distraught state.
"My economists have tried again and again, but the sum still works out the same - as you can see there is one blue ball still in the deficit column - they say that it means I owe Badfort one million pounds as a rate rebate !" he cried. "I do not know what we shall do - I suppose I shall have to sell the crown jewels!"
"I see...can you remember when the Badfort Crowd last paid any rates?" I inquired.
"Ummm, well, no actually? - 1964 I think?" he responded in a perplexed manner.
"Well then, unless they overpaid by a considerable amount, the calculations would seem somewhat unlikely" I replied "Let me have a look at this abacus your economists have been using"
I soon spotted a fundamental error in the economists calculations.
"It seems to have escaped their notice - but I deduce, from a quick perusal, that your abacus has 11 blue balls. Where did your economic professors acquire this device?" I asked.
"Fetch the economists!" demanded the King.
Two rather fusty old men were brought before the King. They were rather irate and irritable and one began a tirade against me:
"Let me begin by saying that we are both highly qualified Harvard professors, we do not need the advice of some amateur elephant, with no economic qualifications, telling us how to conduct our business. We have no doubts of the facts - the King of the Badgers needs to pay the Badfort Crowd one million pounds and must adopt austere measures to do so..."
"Enough!" I interrupted "Where did you buy this abacus?"
"In the interests of austerity we did, of course, buy the cheapest model available. We bought it from a rather grumpy man in a sackcloth suit at the market - he assured us of its fine qualities!" retorted the other economist, with the long beard.
I picked the abacus up and observed the "Made in Badfort' sticker on the bottom.
I was very sad to
hear the news of the death of Baroness Thatcher.
She did so much to help us here at Homeward.
The 1980's were a particularly difficult time for our Gold mining industry. The dwarfs were exhausted - there was just too much gold buried deep beneath my vast domain.
Luckily, for us, she decided that mining coal in the United Kingdom was a complete waste of time - so, lots of jolly hard working miners emigrated here to help out the dwarfs. They were very pleased with the assistance - not least because this meant they had much bigger tunnels to work in !
We have decided to commemorate her memory by erecting a statue of her dressed as a miner - to symbolise the great service she did for dear Homeward !
Apart from helping us out with mining, the emigrants from Great Britain have also enabled us to have one of the best Brass Bands in the world.
The Old Monkey and I had a meeting, today, with Mr Marcus Gipps - regarding the forthcoming republication of my biographies in the United Kingdom.
We all agreed that a good title for the 6 volume opus would be 'Uncle and his Good Deeds' - it helps convey the many charitable works I undertake during the biographies.
I think Marcus was also in agreement that far too much of the biographies are taken up with the antics of the Badfort Crowd. It would be much better to concentrate on my civic work and the toils, tribulations and organisational skills involved in running a vast domain.
There is always the danger that young, impressionable minds will find the Badfort Crowd's louche behaviour, disreputable and sordid as it is, appealing- in a rakish way.
Look at how history has rewritten the appalling thievery of Robin Hood - he is now seen as some sort of heroic outlaw!
I don't think it would be a problem to rewrite sections of my biographies - perhaps the Badfort Crowd could be seen to see the error of their ways and decide to spend their lives, henceforth, aiding me in my charitable works?
There will be those, I suppose, that will argue that it is wrong to rewrite the past. My simple question to you would be - What is more important? historical verisimilitude? or the hearts and minds of our young people?
It was very good of Marcus to make time, on this first day of the month, a bank holiday, to meet with us and discuss these improvements.