Wednesday, 27 May 2009

I may be gone some time

The old geezer who writes up my adventures is unable to continue posting them. Will Shudder has volunteered to chronicle them and I am sure they will appear again in some form.

Here is a message from the old geezer.

My brother has died - he was more than a brother, he was my best friend. He was the biggest fan of this blog and I know it gave him a great deal of joy to read Uncle's latest misadventures. I loved him very much, and at the moment I cannot imagine being able to return to writing it.

I know, he would not have wanted it to stop and I hope that one day I might be able to start writing it again.

Friday, 15 May 2009

Fermenting Revolution

The last time that we had a situation as dire as this was the infamous 'Battle for Badgertown' when Beaver and his cronies attempted to take the Town Hall by force and I had to defend the sovereignty of the King of the Badgers by wielding the great town mace - onto Hateman's head.

Now, the Badfort Crowd are taking advantage of the councillor's expenses row to create further unrest amongst the disillusioned populace.

The Badfort News is calling for a dissolution of the Town Council and an immediate election.

They claim to be speaking as rate payers - but the King of the Badgers informs me that they have never managed to get a cheque out of them that has not bounced.

It's worth noting that the King of the Badgers has said 'sorry'. He's had an apology ready to go for some days, I gather, but held off until the Badfort News got to the matter of some of his own claims: "We have to acknowledge just how bad this situation is and just how angry the public are. We have to start by saying that the system we had and used was wrong and that we are sorry about that."

I fear that the Badfort News articles may have struck a chord with the mood of the general public. They are being incited to march on the Town Hall and 'reclaim' their rates from the Treasurer's Office.

Clearly, Beaver has some ulterior motive. Revolution, rather than reform, is obviously his agenda.

He has issued a tract for change. "My manifesto 'Fermenting Revolution' delivers an empowering message about how individuals can change the world through the simple act of having a pint of Black Tom. I propose that the King of the Badgers Palace been turned into a brewery!" he declared.

It has to be said that the badgers like to party and many are being swayed by this seemingly convivial message.

I fear that this will all end in tears.

Buy my Biographies in Great Britain here and here

Buy my Biographies in America here and here

Thursday, 14 May 2009

Moat expenses: the true story

The scandal over councillors expenses at Badgertown Town Hall has rumbled on.

There has been much controversy over the practice of certain badgers to have additional tunnels built in their burrows, at the expense of council tax payers, and then selling these massively extended homes at a profit.

Now the spotlight has fallen on the fact that I submitted a claim form for more than £2,000 to pay to clear the moat around Homeward.

Let me make it clear - I can afford to clean my own moat. In this particular instance, however, the moat was to be used for the annual Badgertown Regatta.

Beaver Hateman and the Badfort Crowd had been disqualified from entering because of their appalling behaviour at the previous year's regatta. In a fit of pique, when it was clear that the Badfort team were losing, Hitmouse had skewered a large number of the boats.

These holed boats rapidly sank beneath the waters necessitating a large clean up operation to raise and dispose of the sunken vessels.

I felt it perfectly valid to recoup these costs from the Badgertown Town Council.

However, as a gesture of goodwill towards the King of the Badgers, I have magnanimously agreed to repay the sum.

Let that be an end to the matter.

Buy my Biographies in Great Britain here and here

Buy my Biographies in America here and here

Saturday, 9 May 2009

Expenses Scandal

There has been a furore over Noddy Ninety's expenses, as Mayor of Badgertown, following revelations in The Badfort News.

Amongst his expenses he has included payment to his brother Neddy Ninety for 'cleaning services'.

Noddy responded in a manner that was likely to add fuel to the controversy "My brother is a very good cleaner - he does not mind getting on his hands and knees to scrub the floor! Not like some of the indolent badgers around here!"

It would also appear that he has claimed for the refurbishment of his car and caravan in a 'mock-tudor' style.

"I have to travel all around Badgertown as part of my job!" he declared "It is important for the Mayor of Badgertown to present a stylish image as he goes about his business!" he added.

Two sets of false teeth are also listed on the claim.

"I have to make a lot of speeches - this causes undue wear and tear, you would not want all my alveolar fricatives getting mispronounced would you?" argued Noddy Ninety.

The most anger, however, has been expressed over the use of public funds to build a massive Garden Railway at his second home in Badgertown.

"How can I possibly determine transport policy for Badgertown if I cannot first test new ideas in my own back garden?" he retorted.

The King of the Badgers is furious. "No wonder I am so broke all the time!" he confided in me "That Noddy Ninety is living the high life whilst I am reduced to asking for loans all the time!"

It has to be said that Noddy Ninety is not the only one who has been making extravagant expenses claims.

It would seem that many of Badgertown's Councillors have been claiming for staying at 'Skinner's' the so-called boutique hotel.

A.B.Fox informs me that these stays are just a scam. The owner, a Mister Battersby, is a well known cohort of the Badfort Crowd. It would seem that he has done a deal with councillors so that half of the £200 a night room costs go straight into their pockets - without them having to spend a single night in the fleapit.

It is appalling to think the Badgertown tax payers money is going into the coffers of the Badfort Crowd.

Buy my Biographies in Great Britain here and here

Buy my Biographies in America here and here

Thursday, 7 May 2009

Bad Flu

There is a nasty bout of flu going around Badgertown.

The Badfort Crowd have caught it and, as usual, are blaming me.

They claim that it originated from my herd of pigs at Swine Tower and have dubbed it 'Homeward Swine Flu'

They are protesting outside the tower, accusing me of keeping dirty pigs in unsanitary conditions.

This is arrant nonsense - my pigs live in one of the most comfortable towers in Homeward and have all mod cons. En-suite bathrooms, fitted carpets and flat screen television. They have exemplary manners and are very clean and tidy.

The poor pigs are scared witless by all the Badfort Crowd's shouting. One of the side effects of this flu seems to be that it engenders the most appalling behaviour - badgers have been rioting on the streets and demanding the King of the Badgers be deposed. It has made the Badfort Crowd twice as insufferable and even more anarchic than usual.

I asked Gleamhound to investigate the epidemiology of this strain of flu.

"I do not think that there can be any doubt of the true origination of the current outbreak." he confided in me "Take a look through this microscope at the virus."

We had our answer - the little devils were the spitting image of the Badfort Crowd - one of them was even carrying skewers and frothing at the mouth like Hitmouse!

Not surprising really - given the appalling state of hygiene that exists at Badfort.

It also explains the side effects - the inhabitants of Badgertown have been infected with behavioural aspects of the Badfort Crowd.

"Have you come up with a cure?" I asked the famous biochemist.

"Oh yes, no problem. I have called it "Gleamhound's Patent Badfort Flu Cure"

"Well, you must make sure that the Badfort Crowd get it straight away!" I declared.

Of course, Gleamhound's medicines are universally known for there propensity to work in the opposite way to that intended. His bunion cure is guaranteed to give you bunions.

"By the way, I don't suppose that you could come up with a formula to infect people with Badfort Flu, could you?" I asked in a nonchalant manner.

"Certainly, although I cannot see what use it might have?" he queried.

"Oh, I think it may prove useful - I would like to order a few million doses anyway!" I replied.

Gleamhound shook his head as if I was mad, but, making a quick calculation in his head I could see that he had realised that this would make him richer than he had ever been before.

"Well, certainly, Sir, if that is what you wish I will get on to it straight away. But what about the cure? won't you be require a great deal more of that?" he asked.

"Oh, I think that the problem will not be as great as feared!" I declared, knowing that with the distribution of the infection formula everyone would soon be protected.

I might even let the Badfort Crowd have some - another dose of their own bad behaviour might make them insufferable.

Buy my Biographies in Great Britain here and here

Buy my Biographies in America here and here