Thursday, 30 October 2014

Hateman vs Brand

Beaver Hateman is absolutely furious that another revolutionary has brought out a new book on the same day that his own opus, unsurprisingly called 'I HATE UNC', has been published.

Unfortunately, REVOLUTION by Mister Russell Brand is vastly outselling Mister Hateman's tome.

'This Russell Brand guy is just a bloomin' champagne socialist' declared Mister Hateman. 'An I don't like the way he mimics the way wot I speak!'

Mister Hateman continued, angrily, 'Yeah, he go on the telly, and twitterin' and all that, going on about how he's a revolutionary but, I ask you, as he ever got his hands dirty? As he ever thrown a duck bomb at Unc? No he has not! And here he is taking the food from the mouths of real anarchists, like me, ruining my book sales! Seriously, if he really wanted a revolution he’d be doing it, manning the barricades with us - not just bloomin' talking about it and writing bookie wookies about it. Meanwhile we have to get on with doing the revolution for him - and it's really hard work I can tell you.

I'd like to see Mr Brand take a kickin' up from Unc!'

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Troublesome dwarfs - The Treacle Tower Independence Party

As you know, Treacle Tower was once an important centre for the manufacture of Treacle - until it got so full of the stuff that production ground to a halt.

It was only once I had emptied the tower of this comestible that it became usable as living space again.

Some enterprising dwarfs moved in and decided that, rather than try and save any manufacturing function, it would be far better to find a usage that did not involve all that hard labour.

Treacle Tower soon became the financial epicentre of my vast domain.

No one knew exactly what it was that the dwarfs did in that tower, and, I suspect that many of those dwarfs did not know either. Basically, it seemed to involve some sort of sophisticated form of gambling - with the pensions from the dwarfs in the many other towers. Everything all went swimmingly, until the dwarfs got a bit reckless and bet on some rather long odds. I have to admit I share some guilt for the fracas that followed. As long as the dwarfs were able to pay their rent, I turned somewhat of a blind eye to the gambling going on, although, I did not approve of it, of course.

I am rather aggrieved that having let them off having to pay rent for a number of years these dwarfs have behaved in a disgraceful manner.

They formed the Treacle Tower Independence Party (TTIP) and are insisting on having a referendum to decide whether they want to stay part of my vast domain!

When everything was going well for them, the dwarfs were happy to live in the penthouse apartments at the top of the tower, whilst the badgers who serviced the tower, and took positions as their servants, lived in the flats at the bottom.

Their leader Nigel Savage, as you can tell from his name, emigrated to Treacle Tower from Lion Tower. He bought and sold second hand commodes at Treacle Tower Market before becoming the leader of these disaffected dwarfs. He has declared that no more badgers should be allowed in from Badgertown, and that any badgers in the tower should either go home or face having their welfare and housing benefits removed!

The TTIP built a moat around the tower and insisted that only they were allowed to fish in it - but this plan backfired when they filled it full of alligators, to stop immigrants coming in, and they ate all the fish.

Now everyone is having to get out of the train at Ironside Tower and wak around Treacle Tower to get to Lonely Tower.

I have warned them that if they continue with their plan to declare independence, I will allow no further trade with them. But they say they don't care because there are still lots of suckers trusting them with their pensions!

Sadly, because there are so few badgers left to clean the tower it is becoming a TIP!