Sunday, 18 December 2011

Very Well, Alone

 You will appreciate that, with the current global situation, I have not had time to avail you with my usual missives from Homeward for some months.

My advice has been in great demand from many world leaders, as they struggle with their economic woes.

Firstly, I was offered a large remuneration by the Greeks to sort out their terrible financial deficits.

All I can say is, beware Greeks bearing gifts. Riots broke out, merely, because I advised them to stop breaking plates if you cannot afford to pay for them!

Then, the Italians wanted me to replace Berlusconi. "We need someone well respected around the world, a smart technocrat, like you !" begged Italy's President.

The word "technocracy" comes from the Greek words "tekhne", meaning skill, and "kratos" meaning power. Technocrats thus literally promise to be "problem solvers" – politicians who make decisions based on their expertise or specialist knowledge of a particular subject, rather than to please a particular interest group or political party. 

Being a world-renowned Entrepreneur, I would, of course, have been well suited for the role. Then there was a lot of fuss about the "democratic deficit" involved in appointing a non-Italian of the family Elephantidae. Apparently, many Italians still bare a grudge for my ancestors involvement in Hannibal's attack on Rome. So, I declined the offer.

Homeward, for dimensional, rather than geographic or political, reasons is not part of the European Community.

However, I am always invited to contribute at their summits - as a major player on the world stage.
But at the last summit I was left isolated.

What can I say - Infamy ! they've all got it in for me !

No surprise that the Greeks and Italians were still smarting from my comments - but I was disappointed by the envy shown by Germany over our hard working dwarfs and by the British over the fact that Homeward bankers do as I tell them. Mister Cameron seemed particularly jealous of this fact. 
The French, of course, have always hated the fact that Chateau Homeward is the finest wine in the world.

Then they all turned on me and demanded that I reduce the cost of the Helium 3 from my Moonbase mine !

When I told them that I would do no such thing, they decided that they would blockade Homeward and stop all imports of my goods !

Over the last month times have become very hard - my treasury is much depleted. Of course, Beaver Hateman has taken advantage of the situation and demands that the EU should be assuaged by my exile and the declaration of a Worker's Republic !

He has launched a full scale aerial bombardment with Treacle Bombs that he stored up after the Great Treacle Tower Flood.

The EU has refused to offer aid, unless I exceed to their demands.

Very well, alone !


  1. You are NOT alone...our family must all pull together in these difficult times.
    your loving nephew,

  2. Oh my goodness! There has been no word from Homeward for some time...I hope that all is well and that you can send word to all your loyal friends and fans soon! God Bless You Unc, and your devoted staff writer who publishes this blog.
    Your devoted nephew,
    Sneaky E.