Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Uncle's Christmas Carol - Final Rehearsal

Having rescued the Badfort Crowd from their snow bound dwelling, it was now possible for us to perform the final rehearsal of my play for Christmas – my adaptation of ‘A Christmas Carol’.

Not unreasonably, I think you will agree, I expected at least some gratitude for my act of charity. As you can see, however, Beaver Hateman was his usual disagreeable self.

Act Five The End of It

Uncle: I am home! I have learnt the lessons of the spirits to carry on teaching the virtues of good citizenship and caring capitalism! I don’t know how long I’ve been among the Spirits but, as is tradition, I shall have the grandest Christmas Party for my tenants!

Narrator: At this point, The Old Monkey entered Uncle’s bedchamber carrying a large bucket of cocoa and a small stocking.

The Old Monkey: Happy Christmas, Sir – I trust you slept well?

Uncle: What's today?

The Old Monkey: Pardon?

Uncle: What's today. My fine monkeyservant?

The Old Monkey: Today? Well. Today is Christmas Day, of course!

Uncle: It's Christmas Day? I haven't missed it. The spirits did it all in one night. They can do anything they like. I had a most interesting dream, Old Monkey. The after effects of an over consumption of bananas, I fear. However, it had has confirmed, much to my embarrassment, that I must indeed be the greatest benefactor the world has ever known.

The Old Monkey: Well of course, Sir, we all know that to be true.

Uncle: How are the preparations for my party going? – it must be the most lavish I have ever held!

The Old Monkey: I am sure it will be, Sir, every year you surpass yourself! Everything is running to clockwork as usual!

Uncle: The turkey – is it twice as big as me?

The Old Monkey: Most certainly, Sir!

Narrator: Uncle dressed and made his way through the streets of Homeward - on his way to visit Bob Scratchit, followed by the Old Monkey carrying a large turkey. As he passed by, the citizens of Homeward shouted greetings and thanks for the wonderful party to come. Suddenly The King of the Badgers appeared before him.

The King of the Badgers: My dear friend! I am so glad to see you! I wondered…I know it is difficult at this time of year, with all your charitable donations…but I find myself somewhat embarrassed financially…would there be any chance of a temporary input of funds?

Uncle: Of course, no badger shall suffer this Christmas! I will happily give you…

Narrator: Uncle whispered in the Kings ear, so as not to embarrass him amongst the crowd.

The King of the Badgers: That much? A gift for me?

Uncle: Not a penny less.

The King of the Badgers: My dear Uncle – you are as bounteous as ever!

Narrator: Uncle arrives at Bob Scratchit’s house and Little Liz opens the door. Pointing to the huge turkey, that the Old Monkey can barely carry, he declares…

Uncle: Happy Christmas Little Liz! Tell your poor father that I have brought him a turkey!

Little Liz: Don’t need it! Beaver Hateman has already brought us one! Even bigger! …and a cask of Scob Fish!...and a dozen barrels of Black Tom!.....Sling your hook! We don’t need your capitalist blackmail!

Hateman: Yeah! Unc they don’t need your handouts! Their gifts are being provided for by the generosity of the workers of the glorious Peoples Republic of Badfort…they will not be bribed into subservience by your corrupt blandishments!

Uncle: Stop right there! That is not in the script! You are just making it up as you go along! this the thanks I get for rescuing you from the frozen shambles of your abode? I should have just left you there - having a miserable Christmas huddled around the fire!...

Hateman: Put a sock in it Unc! You know full well that you would have a right boring Xmas without us here to liven things up a bit…crikey, do you really think people enjoy your tedious old plays?

Uncle: How dare you!

Well, I think you have heard enough – I know what you are thinking. So great is my magnanimity, at this special time of year, that I will even put up with the horrendous behaviour of The Badfort Crowd. It makes me rather embarrassed to admit it, but yes – you are right. I am far too generous. It is always said of me, that I know how to keep Christmas well, if any elephant alive possesses the knowledge.

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