Thursday, 14 February 2013

St Valentine's Day Mascara

The romance we associate with Valentine's Day may spring from the medieval belief that birds select their mates on February 14th.

Many folk in Homeward still believe that if a woman sees a robin flying overhead on Valentine’s Day, it means she will marry a sailor. If she sees a sparrow, she will marry a poor man and be very happy. If she sees a goldfinch, she will marry a rich elephant.

Normally, this would not be a problem - Homeward is very cold at this time of the year and the Goldfinch (Carduelis carduelis) prefers warmer climes.

However, The Badfort Crow, always on the look out for a means to embarrass my public personage, were spotted this morning releasing thousands of the blighters into the skies over Homeward.

Their song is usually a pleasant silvery twittering. But today they merely, repeatedly, chanted "Love won't pay the bills, Unc's got money!"

My castle was soon surrounded by avaricious gold diggers.

What could I do to to sate their desires?

Once more, faithful Old Monkey came to my rescue.

"Sir, as a precaution I have purchased a large quantity of Gleamhound's 'Love Inducing' mascara. It actually contains an oxytocin blocker - it inhibits people’s romantic impulses!" he explained.

The ladies were most appreciative of my gift, but were soon drifting off and making rather rude exclamations such as "He is actually rather fat, isn't he?" and "Yeah, money isn't everything - I bet he's dead stingy with it, anyway!"

Love is indeed a many-splendored thing, but, sadly, my duty is to the smooth running of my great domain - sometimes we all need to tie ourselves to the mast.

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