Saturday, 10 October 2009

A most difficult week

It has been a most difficult week - beset with much troublesome news.

At the beginning of the week, I was out for a drive around the moat of Homeward.

I got distracted by a mobile phone communication from the Old Monkey - he had just recieved news that President Obama had won the Nobel Peace Prize. I, of course, had been predicted as a dead cert to win it this year, and my faithful retainer wanted to know if I wished to cancel the celebration party that he had organised.

"No, of course not!" I declared "There will be no sour grapes here at Homeward, the chap needs a bit of encouragement!...even if he has not actually done much yet!"

Somewhat distracted by this news, I was brought back to earth with a crunch!

I had accidently run over a motor bike which some fool had left in my path.

As luck would have it, it turned out to belong to Beaver Hateman.

As you can imagine, he was somewhat incandescent with rage.Particularly as oil now spurted all over him.

I was in a bit of a rush to get back for the party, so could not stop.

"I'm Uncle. You know where you can get me." I shouted.

"I kno who you bloomin' well are alright! the elephant with a history of destroyin' bikes! You don't give two hoots for anybody else's property, do you?, you capitalist tyrant!" he screamed at me.

Such an uncouth fellow.

The party was not quite as I had hoped - I was glad that the speeches in praise of my good works had to be foregone - I always find them so embarrassing, but it has to be said that it all fell a bit flat as we tried to think of nice things to say about Barack.

The week then got worse. The dwarfs were absolutely furious when two spacecraft crashed on the moon - narrowly missing one of our Helium 3 mines. This determination of the people of earth to discover lunar water is becoming increasingly annoying and I am incensed that they are now "bombing" the moon.

Luckily, we managed to muffle the plume of rock and dust that the Nasa scientists were hoping to record - so they have no data. I wonder how long we can keep the existence of water hidden from them, however.

Then to cap it all The Badfort News ran a story about a £3bn mistake in my budget plan. I am very cross with my librarian, Will Shudder, as this cock-up is all his fault. He misread a paper, in my library, on the savings to me made from raising the dwarfs retirement age from 100 to 105. A very sensitive issue, as you can imagine. Luckily, it is of little importance as I discovered a corner of my treasury that I have not looked in for years - and there was £4bn worth of gold bars in it!

At least the week ended well, as I gave a jolly good speech, if I say so myself, to the assembled crowds at the "Praiseworthy Pachyderms" Conference.

"I see a Homeward where more dwarfs grow up with security and love...I see a Homeward with entrepreneurs everywhere...I see a Homeward without the threat of big bad Badfort!"

There is a steep climb ahead. But I tell you this: the view from the summit will be worth it. Let me tell you what I can see. A labyrinth of skyscrapers and multi-coloured towers connected by a fantastic network of tunnels, secret passages, water chutes, lifts and railways, and littered with oil lakes, fountains, walls of sweets and towers of treacle. Yes, Homeward, in all its glory! and I see roast oxen,ham, bunches of bananas and lashings of cocoa!"

There was a stupendous cheer! - thats what one needs in difficult times - a bit of showmanship!

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