Friday, 10 June 2011

Let’s Kill Unc

Last night I went through the strange vortex in the Lost Clinkers Cooling Tower.

I know, after the last incident, that I had promised never to repeat the trip – but  I have found myself drawn to it, once again.

Descending in my helicopter, my faithful companion,The Old Monkey and I entered another alternate timestream.

Everything was, again, changed beyond recognition. Time seems to have got itself into a right old mess.

It appears, Beaver Hateman blew me up with a giant duck bomb.

“Sorry mate – had to do it, it were the only way I could to get everything back right in the time continuum – wiv me in charge!” he declared.

Even my vast domain of Homeward was no more – it had turned into a cantankerous old lady who was now demanding rent from me for all the time I had lived in her!

The biggest shock of all was to discover that I was, in fact, married!

I know – as if!

The Old Monkey was furious!

To add insult to injury my wife is not an elephant but a monkey – not even the same species!

The Old Monkey got an even greater shock when he discovered he had a wife and she said my wife was their daughter. Poor thing fainted!

My wife is very tiresome and common – she keeps calling me “Sweetie”!

Even the Old Monkey would not dare to be so familiar – he always calls me “Sir”

Her name is Riverdance, and she is famous for her traditional Irish stepdancing. Tappity tap tap all the bloomin’ day ! What a racket!

I discovered her real name is Stomp Ditch (her mother’s maiden name – says it all really), and she claims she changed her name because they don’t have ditches in the Jungle - but I think she just wanted a more glamorous stage name.

Apparently, I am not well liked in this alternate timestream.

Riverdance says I am a rather pompous Doctor and nobody can read my appalling handwriting.

She says that when she was a baby she was stolen into another timestream by somebody with an eyepatch.

“What pirates, you mean?” I asked irritably.

“No, sweetie – don’t be stupid, they are on our side!” she shouted.

“You have to go and rescue me!” she added.

“But you are here!” I screamed. I was getting quite annoyed now.

“Stupid! You have to go to then so I can be here now!” she screamed back.

I can see that we, clearly, have quite a rocky marriage – I think I might see if I can divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty.

“Yes, that’s why we had to blow you up! Well, that and the fact that you are a fat dictator!” chipped in Beaver – which really only confused me further.

“Yes, we’ve not met, yet.” chimed in Riverdance.

“Yes we have – just now!” I blustered.

“No, stupid! I mean when I was young!” she retorted.

“You mean, I watched you grow up, saw what you became, and still married you?” I exploded.

She gave me a very nasty look.

So, in the end we agreed to go back into the time vortex and try and sort it all out.

“I have made a list of all the things we have to do, Sir.” said the Old Monkey “But, all this timey-wimey stuff is rather confusing, isn't it, Sir?”

“Shall we just go off and have some adventures, instead?” I replied.

“I think that would be a very good idea, Sir” he responded.

Then I woke up. I could hear the Old Monkey running my morning shower.

Thank goodness – all is right with the world.

I thought I must have also dreamt about Beaver Hateman having tea with Sarah Palin – but, of course, that really happened.

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