Thursday, 19 April 2012


I had no choice. After Beaver Hateman and the pirates had threatened the life of the Old Monkey I had to reveal the entry code for the secret vault I have been using to keep the funds for my charitable foundation.

It lies deep in the heart of Gold Mountain by the banks of the River Oooze. Doctor Whom used his gold detecting device to locate the cave entrance.

"O.K. Unc tell us the keycode or the Monkey gets it!" cackled Beaver.

"Well, actually, I never bothered to put one in - it's the factory default - 0000" I replied.

"Hah ! you pompous, self-confident fool! - thought it was impregnable did you?" laughed Beaver.

"Well, no it's just that..." I began...

"Aw shuddup!" smirked Hitmouse, pushing open the giant doors to reveal...a big empty space!

"...there is nothing in it" I finished.

"What! What! where is all the gold!!" cried Beaver.

"I have spent it all...on Uncleland...a new Theme Park and Experience for the Dwarfs...built across the River Oooze so that all the dwarfs who work in my Gold Mines can have free fun and entertainment in their leisure time...after all it is a charitable foundation and that is what the money is supposed to be spent on!"

"But you were promising the investors that they would not have to pay tax on the money they handed over and would get 20% interest! - you conned them!" blustered Beaver, somewhat enviously, I felt.

"No, never!" I rejoindered "I would never do such a thing - they just did not read the small print!"

Beaver got out a large magnifying glass and looked closely at my Charities Prospectus.

"It says it here 'All donations will be tax free and provide investors with returns of 20%'. Wait a minute - whats this tiny text underneath? 'Unless we spend it all on good works' ? Why, you cunning pachyderm!" read Beaver.

"Merely playing the avaricious at their own game" I chuckled.

"What you got at this Theme Park then, Unc?" queried Long John Splinter, the pirate.

"Well, it is themed around my many achievements and adventures, with displays to encorage good citizenship and entrepreneurship...." I began to explain...

"Boring!" shouted the Pirates and Badfort Crowd in unison.

" the usual entertainments, Thrill rides, rollercoasters, water rides. Of course, we have some rather special diversions - such as The Ghost Ship..." I continued...

"Ooooh a ghost ship" cried out one of the pirates. "That sounds good!" said Hootman the Ghost.

"Boring!" chipped in Hitmouse.

"... and then there is the Music Hall and Bierkeller!" I finished.

"Now, that's more like it!" declared Beaver. All disappointment at being unable to steal from me gone at the thought of free beer. "C'mon then, Unc, show us your Amusement Park - the feast is on you tonight, mind!"

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