Friday, 1 June 2012


How fortuitous that the day before my Diamond Jubilee celebrations begin, our expedition to discover the source of the River Oooze should finally reach it's goal !

Although, I have to admit, this discovery did not quite live up to our dramatic expectations.

"This is it?" I declared "the dark mysterious brooding force, that has traced an intricate flow through the literature and mythology of Homeward, the great river that runs deep into the heart of Homeward... at source is....a dripping tap !"

A man in an ill fitting suit came running up to us "Are you from the water board !" he declared angrily.

"Look, its not my fault see?" he shouted "I have tried fixing it meself but I just can't stop it dripping! - there ain't no washers big enough neither! - I want a rebate ! I'm fed up with these big bills wot you sends - I only have a bath once a fortnight and I'm paying all this money!"

"Calm down, Sir" I riposted "To whom have you been paying this money?"

"To the ugly geezer in the sack cloth, of course, that tyrant Unc's waterman!" he spat back.

"Beaver Hateman !" hissed Goodman.

"Who do you think I am?" I quizzed the ill-mannered man.

He looked me up and down, taking in the rich purple dressing gown and strong physique - it was if a light bulb had gone off in his head as he realised his error.

"Oh my Gawd! your him ain't you, Uncle ! - Crikey, sorry your Sirness, but honestly its a bit much havin' to pay for all this water... I mean it ain't right, Sir..."

"Enough!" I stopped him "You have been hoodwinked, my man, by the nefarious Badfort Crowd! Fear not, I shall see to it that you are no longer bothered by the scoundrels. Furthermore, henceforth you shall receive an annual stipend in your new role as Keeper of the Source!"

"Oh thank you, Sir, that is most kind, Sir! and will we, finally, get the tap fixed?, Sir?"

"No, of course not, you fool! - Homeward depends on the mighty river that flows from this little tap! the very opposite - it is to be your duty to make sure it never stops dripping !" I explained.

"Ooooh sir, I am honoured - you can be assured that I shall fulfil this quasi-judicial role to the best of my abilities - even if my mates want a free drink from the tap!" he wheedled.

"I should think so to!" I replied, and turned to speak to the other expedition members "Come, a job well done - time for home, and my Jubilee celebrations!"

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