Saturday, 28 July 2012

Olympics Opening Ceremony

I should be very angry.

Naive of me, I know, to put Beaver Hateman in charge of the opening ceremony.

I should have been suspicious when he said that "we are really going to show the reality of the Great Empire of Uncle!"

It started well enough, the giant representation of Homeward, with it's many towers, within the stadium.

There were all the traditional landmarks of Homeward - fountains, water chutes, walls of sweets and ponds of treacle.

Citizens of Homeward rode around on the switchback railways, with Noddy Ninety driving the engine, and played spigots on the facsimile of Sunset Beach.

It was all very pleasant and bucolic until, as Will Shudder was reading a (admittedly long) poem extolling the beauties of Homeward, Beaver Hateman walked on a poured a bucket coal on him. "That's enough of that boring rubbish!" he declared.

The arena then transformed into a vision of industrial exploitation!

Hundreds of dwarfs, with picks and shovels, were depicted labouring down my gold mines.

Mrs Moonray (the owner of the Blowpipe Laundry), and her daughter Lucy, were shown toiling over their washing chores.

Customers of Gleamhound, were shown doubled up in pain having taking a dose of his Stomach Joy (as you know he produces range of medicines and potions which have the unusual property of working backwards).

A puppet representation of myself then came on to collect the rents from the many dwarfs who live in my towers!

The whole drama put the worst spin possible on life at Homeward!

Next were Beaver and the Badfort Crowd, breaking (with apparent ease!) into my 'Treasury'!

I, and my followers, of course, discover this felonious act and a fight ensues around the whole arena!

I must admit, I did get some gratification from the way the puppet version of myself gave them a very realistic kicking up!

As is usual, after a big fight with the Badfort Crowd, there followed a huge feast. The performance artistes  partook of a magnificent meal, well up to my traditional Christmas Day event. Juba Jellies, giant hams, Turkish Delight and Whooshmeat burgers were handed out amongst the audience.

The lighting of the giant cauldron did not go without a hitch. This task had been given to Wizard Blenkinsop - after all, it was he who built Homeward. Unfortunately, he insisted on doing this using a spell - rather than put the torch in the cauldron he claimed he could transmute the fire into it.

This resulted in a section of the stadium bursting into flames. Luckily, those seated in that area had run down onto the stage to indulge in the feast. It took A.B.Fox sometime to douse the flames.

In the end, with the cauldron now burnt out, The Badfort Crowd had to improvise a new one out of an old Black Tom barrel. The King of the Badgers opened the games,  Noddy Ninety sang a rousing ditty and the evening ended with an amazing display of fireworks !

As I said, I should be furious over the events depicted in this tableu of life at Homeward - but in an odd way, I have to admit, they did rather capture the spirit of the place!

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