Sunday, 31 January 2010

The 45-minute claim

It has been a very trying week.

On Friday I had to appear before the Badfort Inquiry, that has been forced upon the King of the Badgers by dissident Pro-Badfort supporters in Badgertown.

It is investigating the events surrounding a big fight that took place on the outskirts of Badfort last summer. The Badgertown police were attempting to confiscate a giant catapult built by Beaver Hateman and his cronies, with the aid of myself and my followers.

"Sir, can you tell us why you decided, on that fateful summer day, that it was necessary to take violent action to prevent the threat posed by the Badfort Crowd's giant catapult?" asked the Chairman, most politely.

"We had tried sanctions - we had cut off all supplies of Black Tom and Scob Fish. We had made it clear that if you were a regime engaged in WMT (Weapons of Mass Throwing), you had to stop. However, we had intelligence that they were about to engage on catapulting a large Duck Bomb into Badgetown. As you know, Duck Bombs cover you from head to foot in a liquid that looks like lemonade but instantly turns into a tough jelly which is almost impossible to remove. The bomb would have been large enough to cover the whole of Badgertown in this substance." I replied

"The claim is now made that this bomb never existed and that you were, in reality, intending to scare the populace in order that you could take over Badfort. How do you answer this accusation?" asked some upstart bod on the panel.

"It is sheer nonsense!" I exclaimed "I am a law abiding, good citizen - it would have been unlawful to seek regime change at Badfort!"

"You were not in the least tempted by the abundance of nearby Scob fishing grounds?" he asked.

"Can't stand the horrible oily things!" I retorted.

I brushed aside my statement, during a Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation interview, that I thought it would have been right to remove Beaver even if we had known he had no large Duck Bomb.

I told the them: "Obviously, all I was saying was you cannot describe the nature of the threat in the same way if we had known that they only had tin tacks, skewers, and small Duck Bombs - not a giant Duck Bomb. It was in no sense a change of position."

"Is it not true that the King of the Badgers wanted the Badfort Crowd removed from his doorstep? and that you secretly agreed to this?" the questioner continued.

"The only commitment I gave ... was to deal with Beaver Hateman. That was not a private commitment. That was a public commitment." I replied.

"The intelligence at the time indicated that the Badfort Crowd could fire duck bombs from their catapult in 45 minutes!. Where did this intelligence come from?" asked another panel member.

"It came from an impeccable source. Whitebeard's father had overheard Hitmouse and Hootman talking about it at the bus stop. I did believe it. And I did believe it beyond doubt." I countered.

"But these were only small Duck Bombs - not a long range large Duck Bomb. As you know, The Homeward Gazette claimed that the Badfort Crowd could launch a giant Duck Bomb from their catatpult within 45 minutes. Was this not, in fact, a complete misinterpretation of the facts?" wittered another.

"It would have been better to have corrected it in light of the significance it later took on." I admitted.

"Did you consider the alternative theory - which turned out to be true - that Beaver was claiming that he had a weapon he did not possess because he did not want to lose face?" asked the Chairman.

"Beaver is a big boaster, it is true. But one cannot take risks. This isn't about a lie or a conspiracy or a deceit or a deception. It is a decision. Mine is a huge burden but one has to take responsibility. The Badfort Crowd are still in Badfort - but we have their Giant Catapult. They must be made to realise that if they are naughty and do not behave themselves then they will get a good kicking up!" I declared.

At this point, there were cheers from the badgers and boos from the Badfort Crowd.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Uncle,
    What a delightful find your blog is! I have been a long-time Uncle fan. Would you be so kind as to post a high resolution photo of your dear cat, Goodman, reading so I may have it engraved on my iPhone case? I wold be ever-indebted, kind sir.