Monday, 17 March 2008

Crown Court - Transcript - Day 6

Case: Rex vs Mister Beaver Hateman, Criminal Libel

Presiding Judge: Sir George Jeffreys

Counsel for the Prosecution: Godfrey Badger K.C.

Counsel for the Defence: Mister Hootman G.H.O.S.T

Judge Jeffreys: Mister Badger, I gather that we are to be honoured with a very unusual witness, today – the very person in who’s name we are prosecuting justice?

Mr Badger: Yes, your honour, I would like to call the King of the Badgers.

The King is sworn in.

King: First of all, I would just like to say, you are all doing a splendid job – carry on the good work.

Mr Badger: That is very kind of you, your Majesty. I am sure we will not detain you long – for I am sure you have pressing matters of state to attend to.

King: Well, I have just got the opening of a school to do today – got to be on my best behaviour, some documentary johnnies are following me around - then I can put my feet up and watch “The Bill’…then I think there might be a banquet?

Mr Badger: Quite so, your Majesty. I just need to ask you about your part in the foiling of the alleged raid on Uncle’s Treasury?

King: Quite so, quite so – yes well Uncle asked me to ring up and pretend I needed to borrow some money for a orphan’s home. So I did, and that’s it really – caught old Beaver bang to rights, as they say on “The Bill”…

Mr Hootman: Objection, M’lud, we are here to ascertain the facts not hearsay.

King: Be quiet, or I’ll have you locked up too.

Judge Jeffreys: I don’t think you can actually do that, erm, your Majesty.

King: What’s the point in being King, then?

Mr Badger: Errr, quite, well…so Uncle knew that Mister Hateman was on the premises and would overhear the conversation?

King: Of course he did, you can smell Hateman a mile off even if he is invisible!

Mr Badger: As the sovereign of Badgertown is it your belief that the allegations made in The Badfort News could have the effect of bringing institutions into disrepute thereby destabilising the whole of society?

King: Of course, it was most inflammatory, I ask you? - give them freedom and all they want to do is overthrow their betters!

Mr Badger: Quite so, no further questions, your honour.

King: Right, well I’ll be off then.

Judge Jeffreys: Could you stay, just, a little while longer and answer some questions from Mister Hootman?

King: Oh, alright then – if it is absolutely necessary.

Mister Hootman: Is it not true that most of the time you are hard up and have to cadge money of Uncle?

King: How dare you!

Mister Hootman: Therefore, one must ask how credible a witness is - who is always in debt to the elephant who has caused this case to be heard, and on whom he is wholly dependent in order to maintain his redundant place in society!

King: You cheeky young whippersnapper!

Uproar in court.

Judge Jeffreys: Order!, Order! – as the ushers seem unable to restore order, I think it best if we adjourn for the day.

No comments:

Post a Comment