My dear friend, poor old, Ed Miliband has been on the phone to me today, wringing his hands over what to do about the scandal enveloping the press in Great Britain. "Should I just ignore all the phone-hacking stories ?" he pleaded — "the alternative would be ‘three years of hell’ at the hands of the Murdoch press." he added.
This Murdoch is, apparently, some media Baron - or so the Old Monkey informs me. His empire appears to have been dependent on a very ugly culture of lawbreaking, hacking and impunity. His lackay, some strange red-haired woman, kept ringing me up trying to persuade me to come to some bash he has every year in London.
"I am the richest elephant in the world" I told her "why would I want to come to some tedious affair full of a bunch of sycophants !"
"The Prime Minister is coming !" she declared angrily.
"Yes, that's what I mean !" I replied.
"You need to own your own newspaper, like me," I told Ed. "A respectable organ with none of that shameless shenanigans. Newspapers should stick to useful information - like the dates of fete's and bazaars and reportings of important local events. That sort of thing."
"Oh, and when you are being interviewed at least try not to sound like a stuck record ! - It helps to try and appear more like a living being than a robot." I advised him.
Hopefully, people will boycott these disreputable scandal sheets - like The Badfort News they seem to employ a lot of criminal types.
At least I won't be pestered by that strange red-haired woman, when she is incarcerated at her Majesty's pleasure !