Saturday, 29 January 2011

Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that we posses

In an extraordinary turn of events, it seems that Hitmouse, Beaver Hateman's right hand man, has seen the error of his ways and wishes to become a good citizen.

Of course, he is now persona non grata amonst the Badfort Crowd following a couple of appalling misdemeanours.

Firstly, last week, he was sacked from The Badfort News for his role in instigating the phone hacking of politicians and celebrities.

Then, this week, he was sacked from Badfort TV for 'unacceptable and offensive behaviour'.

Beaver Hateman confirmed that the incident in question is a new YouTube clip that emerged showing Hitmouse making badgerist comments after Beaver had been on air making a speech extolling Badgers to rise up against their King.

Here is the transcript:

Beaver: Arise Badgers of Badgertown! Down with Unc, the bloated tyrant, and the silly old King of the Badgers! Join me and rule the place sanely! Up slaves and crush the monsters! Share in the share-out! Badgertown today! Homeward tomorrow!

Floor Manager: Cut! excellent o leader, I must say!

Hitmouse: Yeah, but we aren't really gonna share the loot with those smelly old badgers are we, Boss?

It seems that Beaver decided that it was politically expedient to sack Hitmouse.

Repudiated by his boss, and now redundant, Hitmouse turned up at my door the very next day - contrite and offering me his services!

"I am so ashamed of my former activities against you, Sir." he declared "but, I have seen the error of my ways and wish to help you in anyway I can to counter Hateman's vicious diatribes against you. For, now the veil has been lifted, I can see that we should all be grateful to you for your bountiful gifts and extraordinary sense of civic duty! Sir, if you do not mind me saying so, you are in need of a spin doctor in order for the truth of your greatness to be shouted from every rooftop!"

"Do you think he can be trusted, Sir?" interjected the Old Monkey, skeptically.

Hitmouse looked hurt, and downcast, at this remark.

"I think that it is clear, from his generous comments, that he has seen the light and turned over a new leaf." I replied. "I have never had a spin doctor, but, if one is good enough for my old friend, Tony Blair, then I shall certainly give it a try."

Hitmouse looked overjoyed "Sir, I promise I will do a good job on, I mean, for you, Sir!" he declared.

I set him to work, immediately, on formulating the questions for my new Happiness index.

This is an idea I have come up with to gauge Homeward's national mood, the citizen's psychological and environmental wellbeing.

I must say Hitmouse has done a marvelous job - here is a sample of some of the questions he has devised.

Does it make you happy, or very happy, that Uncle charges such low rents and are you over the moon at the present you get from him every rent day?

How much do you love the feasts that Uncle arranges on his birthday, Christmas, and other special occasions?

Describe how you feel about having such a great benefactor as the owner of Homeward?

How happy does it make your children to be able to attend great educational establishments, such as Doctor Lyre's Select School for Young Gentlemen, all funded by Uncle?

How unhappy would you be if Uncle had not averted, due to his great economic wisdom, the economic disaster that the rest of the world is suffering?

Excellent work! ...who would have ever thought that one of my arch enemies could prove so useful?

No comments:

Post a Comment