The stakes were raised for the three Mayoral candidates, Gordon ‘Fudge’ Brownie, Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon and Nick ‘Cream’ Custard as they went head to head for the second televised debate of the 2010 Badgertown Mayoral election campaign.
The King of the Badgers has decided the format for these debates - he appears to have been influenced by the structure of some of his favourite television programmes. This second debate has been based on the popular Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation show ‘Blind Date’.
The compere, Priscilla Badger, began by introducing the young lady who would be questioning the candidates. Edna Average had been selected as the most, statistically verified, ordinary voter of Badgertown.
Priscilla: We’re gonna have a lorra lorra fun tonight so lets meet the luvly lady who gets to choose from our three gorgeous guys. Well, Edna I know that you have got a lorra lorra luvly lot of questions so lets have your first one please!
Edna: Question one to number three, if you had a foreign affairs policy – what would it be!
Nick Custard: I am sure that you are so attractive, I would never even consider having an affair!
Edna: Oooh ur! And number two?
Dave Macaroon: Don’t get caught! Phoaar!
Edna: Hmmm, number three!
Gordon Brownie: You would be my foreign affair - I would whisk you away to Badfort where we could drink Black Tom, wear sack cloth and watch the sun set over Gaby’s Marsh – it don’t get much more romantic than that!
Edna: Sounds entrancing – Question two to number two. If I found you dipping in my purse how would you restore my faith in you?
Dave Macaroon: Zero tolerance! I would resign as your boyfriend immediately - spending the rest of my life pining for you and wondering how I could have been so stupid. Constantly sending you abject letters of apology and red roses – er, no not red roses – green trees!
Edna: I’ve only got a small garden, you know. Number three?
Nick Custard: I would insist on a complete change of the system. I would apologise profusely and buy you a safe to put your money in.
Edna: And what about you number one?
Gordon Brownie: I would not apologise – for I would only have borrowed the money to place a bet on the 2.30 at Badmarket races. I would shower you with the winnings and you would profess undying love for me!
Edna: Ooooh I think I would you know. O.K., Question number three for number one. Will you still need me, will you still love me, when I’m 64?
Gordon Brownie: Course, I would darling! We at the Bad Party don’t believe in retirement cos we never do any work anyway! It’s the good life, innit, all the Scob fish and Black Tom you can eat and drink at Badfort!
Edna: I’m not sure I care for Scob Fish – I have a delicate stomach….what about you number two?
Dave Macaroon: Well, I will look after you, of course. I should be giving you dignity and security in old age, however, not at sixty four. I’m afraid it will have to be nearer sixty seven. Also, I would require £8,000, in case you need nursing. You really can’t expect me to wipe your bottom.
Edna: Huh! Number three?
Nick Custard: I’m quite handy at mending fuses and every summer we can rent a cottage on the Isle of Wight - providing fiscal policy allows.
Edna: My next question – to number two. If I decided to choose all three of you, would a coalition date bother you?
Dave Macaroon: I am afraid that I could not see that working – Gordon is an anarchist and Nick is wet. We would only end up squabbling about who was going to kiss you goodnight.
Edna: Number three?
Nick Custard: Of course it would work – I don’t mind sharing you!
Edna: And number one?
Gordon Brownie: I’ll knock their blocks off – have you seen the size of my club?
Edna: Ummm, yes, moving onto my final question. When Uncle next visits Badgertown will the candidates dissociate themselves from him? Number three?
Nick Custard: Well, I think that Uncle has some good points and some bad points…perhaps we should have a refererendum?
Gordon Brownie: Aw shuddup ! – he’s a bloomin’ tyrant….always throwin’ his massive weight around!
Dave Macaroon: Rubbish! Uncle is a figure to look up to…he embodies the entrepreneurial spirit…a fine example to us all…
Gordon Brownie: Shut yer face, slime ball!
Nick Custard: Now, now there is no need for this bickering…can we not find a consensus?
Priscilla: Well, that was a lorra lorra fascinating political debate…so Edna which one is it to be?
Graham: Yes Edna, whose it to be? Dave, who will look after you into your old age, providing you can stump up the cash ? – or Nick who has no problem with a threesome?, or Gordon who can’t wait to buy you a sack cloth bridal suit?
Edna: None of the above….I choose the incumbent Mayor, Noddy Ninety!
Priscilla: Ooooh, well, I am sure you will have a lorra lorra fun with Noddy even though he is a lorra lorra years old!