This year I am conducting a census. I need accurate information on the numbers of inhabitants who live in Homeward, where they live and what their needs are. So they must all take part.
This must, of course, include the dwarfs who live on my moon colony.
My old friend Professor Brian Cox rang up begging me to let him be the Census Taker "Oh please, please, let me go, Uncle!" he declared "Even when I was a year old, I’d watch anything to do with Apollo and the moon landing! I have always wanted to go!" he pleaded.
Of course, it is his one chance - the Americans gave up going years ago wheras the dwrfs are up there mining Helium 3 for me. As you know, dwarfs are excellent at mining and subterranean extraction. The majority of our moonbase is underground but we do have have a number of solar farms above ground to power it.
Sadly, after his long journey in my rocket, he was not well received by the dwarfs. I should have warned him. They are a truculent lot and don't really like anyone. They consider the Census to be some underhanded ploy, by myself, to get details out of them for some equally underhanded reason.
The cause of this seems to be some campaign by the Badfort Crowd, who have put up posters all around the Moonbase depicting me in a particularly bad light.
I have done my best to assuage the dwarfs - I even put in a category for Cosmic Gypsy Travellers, because they insist that they are stardust and golden and have got themselves back to the garden ( a reference to my Moon Farm, one presumes!).
Anyway, they pelted the Prof with rotten tomatoes and he was very upset because he much admires the dwarfs - he thinks that the Red Dwarfs and the White Dwarfs are brilliant!