Saturday, 17 September 2022

A.B.C. of Homeward

We have spent the whole day consulting a tremendous book bound in black leather and trimmed with gold and red. This is the A.B.C.Complete Guide to Homeward and it is so big that it has to be wheeled around on a trolley. Our aim was to find out more about the mysterious Goldfish Lodge, how to get there and hopefully discover the reason for my rents from this tower drying up. "Right, Shudder, tell us what it says" I commanded. "Well, Sir let us see....ah yes here it is...under towers (fishy)" he muttered. We all pored over the entry. PORTRAIT OF GOLDFISH LODGE While it lacks a certain sophistication common in the larger Homeward Towers, beneath its perspex surface calm throbs a pulse of activity peculiarly Goldfishian. Despite its air of provincialism, the Tower of Goldfish claims justly a record of solid accomplishments not only in the arts and sciences, but in industry and commerce. A spirit of reserve has become proverbially characteristic of the tower and its people. Goldfish Lodge is hesitant in proclaiming the efficiency of its soundly welded commercial and industrial mechanism. Sanctuary of artist and scientist though it is, it makes no vulgar display of the refinements of, commercial, cultural and scientific preeminence seen in the other, more extravagant, towers of Homeward. "I find that rather insulting" I interjected, somewhat aggrieved - "It sounds like the book is suggesting that my other towers are an ostentatious display of my wealth!" POINTS OF SPECIAL INTEREST There is little doubt that the greatest sight-seeing treasure, for visitors to Goldfish Lodge, is the Tower itself. It is built of double skinned perspex. The cavity between the layers is filled with water which teems with an abundance of Goldfish. Walking around the wide thoroughfares within the tower one is surrounded by sealife. The goldfish swim through perspex tubes that go up and around every nook and cranny linked to the outer skin of the tower. HISTORIC BUILDINGS Uncle's Hall, Chestnut St., east of 4th. Uncle's Statue, 2d St., north of Market. Goldfish Hall, Goldfish Square, 6th and Chestnut Sts. Tower Plaza, Swanson St., south of Christian. Grand Uncle Street Station, Fairmount Park, west of "All very fascinating - but how does one get there!" I exclaimed in frustration. "Here we are, Sir - the route!" exclaimed Shudder as he found the relevant page. ROUTE TO GOLDFISH LODGE (FROM HOMEWARD HALL) It is not easy to travel to this sublime tower being at the farthest distance to the entrance to Homeward. First it is necessary to take the switchback railway to Watercress Tower. Then the traveler must brave the water-chute to Lion Tower. On no circumstances enter Lion Tower, hardly anybody has been into it and people who have tried have become lost. Use the jumping board, to launch oneself from the top - a large net drawn across the base of the tower will catch you. Then take the narrow gauge railway which passes through Grey Tower, Ironside Tower, Treac Levat and Lonely Tower. The traveler must then hire a troop of camels to continue his journey. Three days journey across the desert plains will bring you to the furthest corner of Uncle's domain. There before you like a mirage in the dust will appear Goldfish Lodge. Beware any other mirages that you may encounter on the way! "The journey sounds both tortuous and dangerous!" I declared. "Oh wait, Sir," cried Goodman "Look here - there is a footnote" ALTERNATIVE ROUTE There is another route to Goldfish Lodge, however this is not advised because it is neither interesting or scenic. The unseasoned traveler may start his journey by going through the Red Velvet door in Uncle's Library. There he may take the high speed bullet train and arrive at Goldfish Lodge in two hours. There is a refreshment car serving a 12 course meal that takes the majority of the journey to consume. "Well, thats a bit more like it!" I declared.

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