Saturday, 17 September 2022

April Fools' Day

Gordon and Barack played a very silly joke on me today as can be seen on The Guardian website. We were about to go into a very important meeting at Number Ten when who should turn up but Beaver Hateman! You can imagine my horror - had they gone mad? Allowing a known anarchist to deliberate with us over the future of the world? They looked at my stricken face and burst out laughing. "April Fool!" guffawed Barack. "We got you there didn't we!" chortled Gordon. It turns out they had hired a Beaver lookalike to play a trick on me. Honestly, we are here to discuss saving the World economy and they are behaving like a couple of buffoons - what will the peoples of the world think of them? I know that you will be desperate to hear my account of today's momentous events. First we had breakfast. I had three buttermilk pancakes with syrup & butter, and then kippers, kedgeree and kidneys. It was delicious - I will say this for Gordon Brown, he certainly knows how to put on a hearty British breakfast. Then we had a bit of a chat about some of my economic ideas - lets hope the French and Germans don't cut up rough. Then it was time for some more photos, with me in front of some of the other G20 leaders. Honestly the way some of them dawdle "Come on" I said "Everybody is going to have to pick up the pace if they want to keep up with the strides of this elephant! - I may be well built but I'm not slow you know!" I chortled. They all grumbled a bit but they know what side their toast is buttered on. Here I go talking about food again! Which brings me to lunch. A bit of a desultory affair I am afraid. Gordon seemed to think that because we are having a big dinner this evening a simple working lunch would do. It's a good job that the Old Monkey was on hand with additional sustenance - watercress sandwiches and a bucket of cocoa. Then back to the grindstone. Had a lovely chat this afternoon with Lizbeth, as I call her, the Queen. We had a good discussion about the wonderful spring weather, and what to do about the King of the Badgers. Apparently, he tried to borrow money, again, on his last visit. Then we partook of tea and crumpets. I assured her that I would soon have this terrible economic situation sorted out. Sadly, Beaver and his crowd of miscreants are here. They are riding around dressed as the four horsemen of the Apocalypse leading processions around the city. As our limousine was being driven back to Number Ten, he banged on the window and shouted "Hi Unc! We're here to dance on the grave of capitalism with a Financial Fools Day Party!" I wish I had taken up Barack's offer of a lift. His car has rocket-propelled grenades and a tear-gas cannon - it is the Johnny Seven OMA of the vehicular world. I am really looking forward to my dinner tonight. It is being prepared by young Jamie Oliver. Organic salmon from Shetland, served with samphire and sea kale for starters. Slow-roasted shoulder of lamb, with Jersey Royal potatoes, wild mushrooms and mint sauce for mains. One of my teatime favorites for dessert - Bakewell tart and custard! Thank goodness, for good solid British food rather than something tiny and French, with a smear of reduced jus. Perhaps that is why President Sarkozy is threatening to go home? Gordon is quite worried about it. I consoled him. "I don't know why you are upset, Gordon, - all the more for us!" I said.

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