Bank Shenanigans

It looked like being a bad week for the King of the Badgers.

He was roundly criticised for making his twelve year old daughter do an interview on Newsnight, with Jeremy Paxbadger, to explain his u-turn on fuel tax. She looked hesitant as she explained that she thought Daddy would probably pay for it by stopping her pocket money and was visibly upset contemplating this.

The King of the Badgers was branded a miserable coward for not facing Paxbo himself.

However, his swift action over the Badger Bank scandal has been welcomed by all and praised by many.

As with all financial scandals the technical details are complex and difficult to explain.

However, it would seem that one evening, after the bank had closed for the day, a loud scream attracted the attention of security guards. On investigating, they discovered the bank manager, Bob 'Rough' Diamond, with his paw stuck in one of the tills. Unbeknown to him, that till possessed a tight spring-clip leaving him completely unable to extricate his paw.

Bob 'Rough' Diamond insisted that he would resign. However, The King of the Badgers, knowing that this would nean that Bob would still be in line for multimillion pound share payout, declared that Bob would have to stay on at the bank for another 30 years as a tea boy on 2/6d a week before he could retire and cash in his shares.

Badgers can be fierce animals when riled.

My Diamond Jubilee !

Today marks the start of my Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

Incredible to think that it is 60 years since I bought Homeward from Wizard Blenkinsop !

Since then, I have shouldered the great burden of running this vast domain, with, I hope, good grace.
For, I feel that it has been my duty to instil into Homeward's inhabitants the importance of good citizenship.


Remember, be an upstanding citizen, pay your rent on time and you will always have a friend in Uncle.

Tomorrow, over one thousand boats will muster on the Homeward Moat in preparation for me to take part in the Diamond Jubilee Pageant.

It will be one of the largest flotillas ever assembled on the Moat. Rowed boats and working boats and pleasure vessels of all shapes and sizes will be beautifully dressed with streamers and Uncle Flags, their crews and passengers turned out in their finest rigs. The King of the Badgers has sent his armed forces, fire, police, rescue and other services and they will be afloat behind my leading boat piloted by the inestimable skill of Captain Walrus. There will be an exuberance of historic boats, wooden launches, steam vessels and other boats of note.


The flotilla will be bolstered with passenger boats carrying flag-waving dwarfs placed centre stage (or rather mid-river) in this floating celebration of my 60 year ownership.

The spectacle will be further enhanced with music barges and boats spouting geysers. Moreover, I will be playing a cello rendition of "Hail Glorious Uncle" to inspire the populace!

On Monday, beacons will be lit on all the many towers of Homeward and I will ride in a carriage drawn by The Respectable Horses leading a grand parade.

This will, of course, finish with a Grand Feast and Fireworks !


I have ordered vast casks of ham, kegs of Jubba Jellies and giant trays of Turkish Delight. Singers and jugglers will entertain the crowds at the vast banqueting tables. Also, every inhabitant of Homeward would receive a special gold soveriegn (equivalent to over a years rent) especially engraved with a Diamond Jubilee image of myself by that great artist, Waldovenison Smeare.

As you know, I am normally a rather shy, retiring personage. I detest all the adulation that is bestowed upon me, after all one merely does one's duty - but the Old Monkey insisted that a celebration was in order.

Such a shame that, due to it's poor financial position, Great Britain has not been able to put on such a big bash for it's monarchy. I rather fear that my own celebrations shall, unfortunately, put their own in the shade, somewhat.

ALL THIS AND OOOZE TOO!

How fortuitous that the day before my Diamond Jubilee celebrations begin, our expedition to discover the source of the River Oooze should finally reach it's goal !

Although, I have to admit, this discovery did not quite live up to our dramatic expectations.

"This is it?" I declared "the dark mysterious brooding force, that has traced an intricate flow through the literature and mythology of Homeward, the great river that runs deep into the heart of Homeward... at source is....a dripping tap !"

A man in an ill fitting suit came running up to us "Are you from the water board !" he declared angrily.

"Look, its not my fault see?" he shouted "I have tried fixing it meself but I just can't stop it dripping! - there ain't no washers big enough neither! - I want a rebate ! I'm fed up with these big bills wot you sends - I only have a bath once a fortnight and I'm paying all this money!"

"Calm down, Sir" I riposted "To whom have you been paying this money?"

"To the ugly geezer in the sack cloth, of course, that tyrant Unc's waterman!" he spat back.

"Beaver Hateman !" hissed Goodman.

"Who do you think I am?" I quizzed the ill-mannered man.

He looked me up and down, taking in the rich purple dressing gown and strong physique - it was if a light bulb had gone off in his head as he realised his error.

"Oh my Gawd! your him ain't you, Uncle ! - Crikey, sorry your Sirness, but honestly its a bit much havin' to pay for all this water... I mean it ain't right, Sir..."

"Enough!" I stopped him "You have been hoodwinked, my man, by the nefarious Badfort Crowd! Fear not, I shall see to it that you are no longer bothered by the scoundrels. Furthermore, henceforth you shall receive an annual stipend in your new role as Keeper of the Source!"

"Oh thank you, Sir, that is most kind, Sir! and will we, finally, get the tap fixed?, Sir?"

"No, of course not, you fool! - Homeward depends on the mighty river that flows from this little tap! the very opposite - it is to be your duty to make sure it never stops dripping !" I explained.

"Ooooh sir, I am honoured - you can be assured that I shall fulfil this quasi-judicial role to the best of my abilities - even if my mates want a free drink from the tap!" he wheedled.

"I should think so to!" I replied, and turned to speak to the other expedition members "Come, a job well done - time for home, and my Jubilee celebrations!"

Homeward's First Tower

As you will all be aware, my home, the vast domain of Homeward is a magical place.

It has hundreds of towers all joined together and it is surrounded by a moat with a drawbridge over it... The towers are of many colours, and there are bathing pools and gardens among them.

Switchback railways run from tower to tower, and water-chutes from top to bottom.

Even I do not know the full extent of the rooms, many of which are secret or hidden.

It has not always been like this, however. I have made many improvements since I bought it from Wizard Blenkinsop - but it was he who built the very first tower, in 1810.

On our expedition up the River Oooze, to discover its source, it has been the object I have been most looking forward to beholding.

For truly, it is the First Wonder of Homeward - Wizard Blenkinsop's Great Crystal Tower !

So legend was it's magnificence that Joseph Paxton copied the design of the lower floors for his 'Crystal Palace' that housed the Great Exhibtion held in Great Britain in 1851.

ArcelorMittal Orbit

Many of you have twittered to remark on the similarity to Mister Kapoor's sculpture for the Olympic Park and the many towers, switchback railways and slides of Homeward.

It is true that Mister Kapoor paid a visit to Homeward to try and gain inspiration for his artwork.

I have to say that I am rather disappointed with the result.

It certainly looks interesting, but where are the slides?, whither the water chutes? To me it pales in comparison to our own architectural splendours, here at Homeward.

I know that the dwarfs will be unimpressed - they always look forward to an exciting ride to work on the switchback railways of Homeward.

How sad for the children of Great Britain - it would appear that all that is on offer is a ride up in a lift for  a view of London.

Witch Trial

 

 

 Our expedition up the River Oooze has ground to a halt due to the appalling tropical storms that have raged around this part of Homeward.

We have been forced to make camp with the tribes people of the area.

Discovering that I was the owner of all their lands they have christened me the Great Sahib and insisted that I conduct the trial of a woman that they have declared a witch - the all powerful Re-Beka.

She is accused of using her powers to make men full in love with her - in particular, the tribal leader, Cam-Rune.

"Is it true that you first threatened to expose him in public? That you would cast a spell that would cause him to run around in public naked like a mad man?" I asked.

"I have no recollection of that" she replied.

"Did you cast a spell that made him enamoured of you?" I probed.

"I have no recollection of that - although he did laugh out loud at my threats and then later declared that he loved me lots for long time!" she sniggered.

"I put it to you, Madam, that you have deliberately taken a dose of Gleamhound's Memory Restorer medicine. Everyone knows that his cures have the opposite effect and it is clear to me that you are attempting to avoid the accusation of teeling an untruth under oath!" I declared.

"I have no recollection of that" she replied.

I advised the court to lock her up until the affects of the concoction had worn of.

Redacted e-mail

As the United Kingdom Prime Minister, Mister David Cameron, has now been given core participant status in the Leveson inquiry I have been asked to make certain redactions to the e-mail I have been ordered to submit.

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