My Complete Biography - Available Soon !

My many followers will be pleased to know that THE COMPLETE UNCLE is now listed for preorder on a number of book websites.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Complete-Uncle-J-Martin/dp/1783062835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1381262208&sr=8-1&keywords=complete+Uncle

http://www.waterstones.com/waterstonesweb/products/j-+p-+martin/quentin+blake/neil+gaiman/richard+ingrams/garth+nix/justin+pollard/andy+riley/martin+rowson/will+self/kate+summerscale/the+complete+uncle/10070202/

http://www.bookdepository.co.uk/Complete-Uncle-JP-Martin/9781783062836

The Book Depository offer free shipping worldwide, and has 25% off, so might be the best place to buy if you're not in the UK.

I am so pleased that my followers outside Homewrad will now be able to purchase the complete biography - despite some inacuuracies about my life, it contains many pearls of wisdom on good citizenship. We are all very grateful to Marcus Gipps for making this possible - apparently the finished cover will be silver foil stamped onto blue cloth.

Buying directly from Marcus at:

http://gipps.org.uk/The_Complete_Uncle.html

means that more money goes to my biographer J.P.Martin's family and Quentin Blake, who illustrated the books. It irks me somewhat that as the subject of the books I recieve no royalties - but as the Old Monkey pointed out "You are already as rich as old Croesus, Sir!", which is a valid point, I suppose.

THE MAN WHO HATED BADFORT

The Homeward Gazette will not back down in its battle with Beaver Hateman.

I advised the newspaper not to issue an apology for the editorial I wrote concerning Beaver Hateman's father.

Beaver Hateman has consistently claimed that his father was a rabid anarchist, like himself, and a great influence on his political thinking. It is therefore only right to investigate the background of the man. To this end I sent my detective, A.B. Fox, to rummage through the trash cans outside Badfort.

As I exclusively revealed, in my editorial, it is clear now that Ralf Hateman was a stockbroker from Purley and an out and out capitalist.

Far from dressing in the trademark anarchist sackcloth garb of the Badfort Crowd, Ralf Hateman preferred a pinstriped three-piece suit. In fact, he was the picture of sartorial elegance and could be seen regularly at 8.00 a.m. on the fast train to Loadsamoney Tower.

He built Badfort in the 1930's and, despite Beaver's claims that it's ramshackle nature was an anarchic riposte to the capilist monolithism of Homeward, his writings clearly show that he hated the place because it was such a tip.

Hateman Senior's intention was to build a home that rivalled Homeward in it's opulence and ostentation. However, a share deal that became mired in accustations of skullduggery and litigation forced him to complete the project with the cheapest of materials. His home became a symbol of his own failed ambition.

Beaver Hateman has issued a statement that is typically blunt:

"My father loved Badfort and the anarchist cause. As always, the fat tyrant of Homeward seeks to smear my family by questioning our values. This, from an elephant of the jungle who lives by the law of the jungle!"

A faraway country of which we know nothing

The lands to the North of Badgertown are, indeed, a desolate place.

They were once the centre of an industrial revolution. There were mill towns, textile centres, shipyards, and mining towns.

However, now that the economic centre has moved to the Southern areas around Badgertown there are large, sparsely inhabited, areas.

The Northern nether regions of Badgertown are almost a separate country to the Southern environs, one of the main causes being the migration of young professional badgers from the north to work in Badgertown itself.

The Northern badgers are a strange folk - they live in rows of terraced burrows, wear flat caps, race pigeons and play brass musical instruments.

There has been much furore, in the region, over the King of the Badgers decision to grant a license to the Badfort Crowd to use hydraulic fracturing, or fracking, to recover gas and oil from shale rock.

For this purpose they have recruited a number of dwarfs (experts in the process) to carry out exploratory drilling.

However, the drill site in has been the scene of anti-fracking protests for the past week, with demonstrators facing off against Beaver Hateman over the controversial technique.

Mister Hateman chucked a bucket of water over them shouting "The North is a right old dump! You should be bloomin grateful - ain't I promised to donate to setting up some whippet and pigeon clubs for you lot? what more you want?"

King of the Badgers becomes Great Grandfather !

There was cause for great celebration in Badgertown last week - Prince Bill Badger and Lady Katie Badger had a baby boy !

The King of the Badgers was over the moon and there have been scenes of much rejoicing in Badgertown.

All eyes have been on Katie's changing pregnancy shape over the last few months but she has always been super-fit and I'm sure she'll be back to her pre-baby shape in no time, helping her husband dig their new burrow next to the King of the Badgers Palace.

So great has interest been in the Royal baby, that stockists say that they have sold out of the Royal Blue swaddle blanket that he was seen wrapped in on leaving hospital.

The new baby has been named Georgy Porgy Badger, after the King of the Badgers father.

Further good news - The Mayor of Badgertown, Dave "the biscuit" Macaroon, has finally decided to crackdown on the Badgertown immigration problem.

Despised in so many countries, Badgertown has been flooded with Tax advisors and accountants seeking asylum.

Lacking basic digging skills, they have been unable to find suitable employment and many, as much as 2%, have taken to a life of petty crime.

The Town Council have launched a mobile billboard campaign telling illegal immigrants to "go home or face arrest”. However, the notorious "Mr Big", said to have advised Starbucks, Amazon and Google, is holed up in a vast underground burrow and refuses to come out.

Tagging ghosts

You may remember the furore , last year, over the King of the Badgers decision to appoint Hateman's Grunge Four (Beaver, Hitmouse. Hootman and Jellytussle) Security to police the Homeward Olympic Games.

Even more malpractices have been revealed to have been perpetrated by this dubious gang of four.

It would seem that, in order to bump up their fees to the King of the Badgers, Hootman had tagged all the ghosts of the Haunted Tower.

"Really," moaned the King "it is a bit much to tag dead people!"

Beaver, however, was unrepentant. "You gotta watch those dead uns, you know" he declared "Them been seen getting up to all sort of mischief at night - rattling their chains and walking through walls and allsorts!"

Furthermore, it would seem that the Gang of Four have also been using strong arm, and other dubious tactics, to sign up dwarfs to ensure their candidate was selected for the forthcoming Badgertown Council elections.

The King of the Badgers was furious. "Honestly," he complained to me "one minute they are ripping me off on their contacts with me, and the next minute they are trying to steal the election from my candidates !"

"Yes, very trying." I said sympathetically, but warily - I felt I knew what was coming next.

"Yes, well, I was just wondering if you could lend me a few thousand - I'm going to need to buy those dwarfs a few treats to get them back on side, you know!" he blustered.

Happy Uncle's day !

It has been a very busy week.

Today is, of course, Uncle's Day.

Uncle's Day is a celebration, that the inhabitants of Homeward insist on having, honouring me and recognising the many charitable donations I have made over the past year, and the influence I have had on good citizenship in Homeward society.

The Crookball people always get terribly excited over the event and like to parade through the many towers of my domain with banners.

I have, also this week, had the great pleasure of opening the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation's new state of the art facility at Broadcasting Tower.

I was very keen to see how the £98 million I had lent the King of the Badgers for a super duper new digital media system had been spent. This very clever system enables programme makers to call up any material in digital format at the touch of a button !

I was looking forward to seeing a very old film of the day I first accepted the keys of Homeward from Wizard Blenkinsop. I don't know what went wrong - smoke started pouring out of the computer and everyone got into a panic. Luckily they managed to dust off an old projector and I was able to watch the film over a nice bucket of cocoa and a bunch of bananas.

I think I will have to have a word with the King about that 92 million, though. I very much hope he has not spent it on a new coach.

On Uncle's Day the I also give out my annual awards and honours. I have made the Old Monkey a knight, he is now Sir Old Monkey of Monkey-and-Engine-Room Wood.

The media tycoon, Rupert Miser, is a MUG. He received the Most Uncilicious Order of the Garter.

Unfortunately, this led to more broadcasting traumas and accusations against my goodself. Unbeknownst to me, it appears that Mr Miser has been funding Badfort TV. I would never have honoured him if I had been aware that he was enabling their dissemination of half truths and lies.

Thank goodness, the plug was pulled on the station and it is now off air. It appears that Mister Miser accused Beaver Hateman of profligacy when he discovered that the drinks vending machine in their studios had been tampered with so that no money needed to be put in.

The Badfort News is now attempting to claim that the real reason for Mister Miser's actions has more to do with the award I have bestowed upon him. A quid pro quo, if you will, for a gong.

Rumours abound, however, that the true reason for Mister Miser's behaviour may have more to do with Beaver Hateman's amorous dalliances with his wife.

Not a very sensible way for a political leader to behave.

Homeward's Got Talent

 

This weekend was the final of that ever popular television show "Homeward's Got Talent".

Distraction, a group of shadow badger dancers from Badgertown, reduced all of the judges to tears with a Homeward themed performance that included a rendition of "Hail, Glorious Uncle" and excerpts from one of my sterling exultation's on the importance of good citizenship.

Somehow, they even managed to contort their bodies into a representation of the skyscrapers of my vast domain with myself depicted atop its ramparts !

Not surprisingly, they won the most public votes - despite some carping from the dwarfs, of my many towers, who moaned that we might as well rename the programme "Badgertown's Got Talent".

They were none to happy about the fact that the performance of the two singing dwarfs, who had also made it to the final, was marred by a rather nasty egg throwing incident.

It appears that Hitmouse had disguised himself as a dwarf, in order to infiltrate their backing singers.

So incensed was he by what he described as "all this sucking up to the fat tyrant" that right in the middle of the duos rendition of "Oh what a friend we have in Uncle" he ran forward and threw eggs at all of us judges. The King of the Badgers got yolk all down his ermine and I got an egg in my face!

Disgraceful behaviour!