Mig set to have 2013's bestselling Christmas book

My Head Chef, the dwarf Mig, uses an oxy-acetylene gas stove. He stands on it to work and wears dark glasses, or else the glare would ruin his eyes. He has long been a proponent of this style of cooking, and has achieved a great deal of celebrity on the television extolling its virtues.

His Christmas cookbooks are now as much a part of Christmas as mince pies, family arguments and my speech on TV.

Somewhat annoyingly, it looks like his offering this year is likely to outsell the recently released new edition of my biographies 'The Complete Uncle'

I wish, at this point, to point out that the scurrilous rumours, being put about by Beaver Hateman, that I have been sending my staff out to buy copies of the book in order to boost the position of it in the sales charts are totally unfounded. I may have bought a few additional copies to give to my loyal followers as Christmas gifts. The fact that these followers (in high positions of influence, naturally),  number in the thousands is neither here nor there.

Cheapman Christmas Advert 2013

Cheapman has surpassed himself this year, with his Christmas television advert for his store.

A poignant animated tale of a dwarf battling to ensure a his best friend, a badger, doesn't miss out on the festivities by going into hibernation.

The dwarf sneaks into the badger's burrow and spikes his drink with Gleamhound's Sleepeazy potion.

This, of course, has the opposite effect and poor old badger just can't get off to sleep !

So, they all enjoy a wonderful Homeward Christmas around a big tree !

Some carpers and naysayers have criticised the ad - questioning if a dwarf and a badger could ever get on that well. I must admit that dwarfs and badger tend to argue a lot with each other over their respective talents at digging and tunnelling, each laying claim to be the world's best subterranean excavators. These arguments almost always degenerate into fisticuffs.

Nonsense, I say, for, if leopards are to change their spots then what better time than at Christmas !

Others have pointed out that badgers do not actually hibernate in the Winter. Difficult to argue with that.

However,  this is not the time of year for nit-picking. Well done, Mister Cheapman for showing the true essence of a Homeward Christmas !

A Visit to Christmas Tree Towers

Yesterday, we made are annual trip to Christmas Tree Towers to select our tree for the Great Hall of Homeward.

Christmas Tree Towers are where Cheapman grows all his trees for his department store.

He has a fine selection - you can buy a small tree for a penny, and a giant ten foot tree for a shilling.

Cheapman sells them pre-decorated so, as you can imagine, it is a year round job for the dwarfs who tend the trees and festoon them with lights and baubles.

He reserves the tallest for me, undecorated. One of our little Christmas rituals is for my followers to climb amongst the branches decorating the tree, in the days leading up to the holiday.

Cheapman insists that, in order to imbue the trees with the spirit of Christmas, everyday at Christmas Tree Towers must be Christmas Day.

The dwarfs sing carols as they labour about the trees, and have Christmas Dinner daily. They would get very fat if it were not for the physical labour involved in tree husbandry. Truth be told, they get quite fed up with all the turkey, brussel sprouts and other accoutrement's of Christmas fare.

As a special treat they are allowed to have baked beans on toast for their actual Christmas Day lunch.

On the way back, I felt it my duty to pop into Dearman's store. All his goods are frightfully dear, and therefore he does very little business. In fact, I am the only customer he really has. If I did not find something to buy in his shop I feared that Dearman would have a very dismal Christmas.

As we entered the shop he was weeping loudly and bemoaning his lack of customers.

He cheered up as soon as he caught sight of me, and came running with a big smile on his face.

"Come in, Sir, come in at once!" he declared "Look, I have prime Xmas trees, this year - only £500 6s 6d!"

He showed me a most decrepit specimen. "Sir, I think you will admit that this is a fine example of the yuletide..."

"Enough!" I countered "Please do not inflict your sales patter upon me - I'll take it, and have a nice Christmas!"

"Oh, I shall now, Sir, I shall indeed!" smirked Dearman.

"What shall I do with Mr Dearman's tree, Sir?" enquired the Old Monkey as we rode home in my traction engine.

"Send it to Mister Hateman, with all my best wishes of the season !"

I am an Inspiration

I have received my personal copy of 'The Complete Uncle', just published in the United Kingdom.

What a mighty and excellent tome.

These stories of my life, struggles, and adventures are, of course, well known to me - after all, they happened to me !

But the many eulogies in praise of my great deeds are most gratifying and humbling.

I am quite embarrassed by the praise heaped upon my personage.

To know that I was a guiding light to such luminaries as Mr Self, Mr Gaiman, Ms Summerscale, Mr Riley, Mr Nix, Mr Langford, Mr Pollard, Mr Ingrams, Mr Rowson, Mr Griffiths, and no doubt countless of others, is truly gratifying.

I was somewhat surprised that the Queen, Mr Cameron, Mr Obama, Mr Putin and the King of the Badgers failed to submit their thoughts - considering the assistance I have given them, financially, in the past. I appreciate that they are busy heads of states, but I find it hard to credit the idea that their burden of leadership is greater than mine own. One feels that it would not have taken a great deal of effort to pen a few words of appreciation, but I shall not let such thoughts mar this happy day.

It is wonderful that so many people of influence have acknowledged that they owe their position in society to the lessons that they learnt from me, in their formative years, in regard to the value of good citizenship.

The only criticism I would have is that some of these paeans dwell far too long on some of the regrettable aspects of the books - the modus operandi and behaviour of the Badfort Crowd, for instance.

This was the one flaw I found with the interests of my biographer, Mr J.P.Martin. He would insist on dwelling on their foolish anarchic antics. I notice that his family still insist on maintaining the fiction that my adventures came from his imagination. A great and godly man he was, but clearly my life is not the sort of thing you could just make up !

I Am NOT a Member of the Illuminati !

Since my annual Homeward Christmas card was sent out earlier this week, there have been a number of scurrilous rumours claiming that I am a member of some worldwide organisation conspiring to control world affairs by masterminding events and planting agents in governments and corporations to establish a New World Order and gain further political power and influence !

Going by the hysterical reaction, anyone would imagine that, just because I am a world renowned celebrity, I belong to some weird Kardashian cult.

Let me make this clear, the pyramid shaped Christmas tree was the idea of the photographer, some dubious character by the name of Dave Chapel. I had my suspicions, he claimed that just because he wore a sackcloth robe it did not mean that he had any connection with the Badfort Crowd. He insisted he wore it for purely aesthetic reasons, and because he suffered from piles.

I now know that he is a fully paid up member of the Badfort Revolutionary Front and that this has been a despicable attempt to undermine my good name.

Must have stocking filler for Christmas 2013

Christmas will soon be upon us, and, once again, I have the tricky problem of deciding what to put in the stockings of all my dear friends. Last year I treated them all to a tin of Whooshmeat - I find luxury comestibles are always well received at this time of year.

The happy day was only marred by the fact that, unbeknownst to myself, the Badfort Crowd had sneakily followed me as I delivered the gift. They placed mousetraps upon said tins, making the operation of a tin opener well-nigh impossible for the recipients swollen fingers.

This year the choice is simple - I shall, of course, be distributing copies of the splendid newly printed 'The Complete Uncle'. I must say that I am rather enamoured of the silver and blue cover - so sophisticated, so dignified. As the Old Monkey has commented 'Very like your own self, Sir!"

It is not too late to order up this edifying tome for your loved ones, either directly from the publisher here:

http://gipps.org.uk/The_Complete_Uncle.html

or from traditional booksellers:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Complete-Uncle-J-Martin/dp/1783062835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1381262208&sr=8-1&keywords=complete+Uncle

http://www.waterstones.com/waterstonesweb/products/j-+p-+martin/quentin+blake/neil+gaiman/richard+ingrams/garth+nix/justin+pollard/andy+riley/martin+rowson/will+self/kate+summerscale/the+complete+uncle/10070202/

http://www.bookdepository.co.uk/Complete-Uncle-JP-Martin/9781783062836

New edition of Biography not Penguin Classic, I am afraid

Although I am very pleased that the biographies of my life are, shortly, to be reprinted in the United Kingdom, I have to say that they are not being released in the imprint I had been hoping for.

After intense discussions with Penguin Books they refused my request for it to be published as a Penguin Classic.

Apparently, being a celebrity with a world-wide fan base is not sufficient reason for my life to sit alongside the works of such luminaries as John Stuart Mill, Francis Bacon and Charles Darwin.

Errant nonsense! - did any of them do the great works for charity that I have done?

Did any of then contribute so much to teach young people the importance of civic duty?

Were any of then called upon to help bail out the collapse of banking and the capitalist system?

The simple answer is no. I think we all know the real reason. It is because I am a lowly elephant of humble origins rather than some floppy haired pop star !