A Global Hero

Of course, being a global celebrity one becomes used to a worldwide adoring public - but the Swedish in particular are somewhat obsessed with my crusade for truth and justice! To them I am a hero - but then Homeward TV does so much to support the television output of these smaller countries.



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I have signed darling agreement

I have signed a Tax Information Exchange Agreement with the British goverment.

Of course, here at Homeward I have a very lenient taxation level.

I only charge the dwarfs 6d in the pound.

However, this has led to a number of businessmen from abroad abusing the system by becoming non-domiciled in their own countries and using my beloved domain as a tax haven.

I am all too happy to supply the British government with information on these rogues who have clearly lied about their height.



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Vile Accusations

As the Badgertown Council Election draws closer everyone seems to be sniping at each other.

The Badfort News have even drawn me into these unsavoury accusations.

Worst of all is the implication that I pay no taxes in Badgertown but have some say it what goes on there!

How ridiculous! The King is a very old friend so, of course, I am always willing to give him advice. But, for goodness sake, the only time I go to Badgertown is for tea with the old chap and a spot of shopping at Cheapman's store!

Oh, and the odd charitable function - the ungrateful lot - when I think of all the money I have lent their profligate King!

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Homevision Song Contest

Tonight everyone at Homeward has been voting to select our entrant for the Homevision Song Contest.

I know that you will all want to wish Nigel Stanislav good fortunes in the competition.

As usual, the Badfort Crowd have entered some dire dirgeful diatribe against me - 'sung' by Hitmouse.

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BAD 6 MUSIC

I see that Beaver Hateman has signed up a lot of new presenters for one of his awful radio stations that churn out propaganda.

I shall have to have a word with the King of the Badgers and see if there is anyway we can put a stop to this.

Old Monkey denies Uncle ‘bullying’ claims

Yesterday the Badfort News printed an absolute pack of lies about my conduct.

You can be read them here - but I warn you, they are shocking and quite scurrilous!



My trusted companion, The Old Monkey, has given an interview to the Homeward Gazette refuting these malicious allegations.

He said "Uncle is very demanding of people, he's demanding of himself... He knows what he wants to do, he does not like taking no for an answer from anyone.

"On the way yes, there is a degree of impatience about the elephant, but what would you like? Some sort of shrinking violet at the helm when we are constantly being attacked by the Badfort Crowd?"

"I don't recognise this portrayal of him, he has always been most kind to me, he gives me 6d every Friday - on top of my wages!"

"I have known him for many years, during his initial struggles - his sole starting capital was a halfpenny, but he built up his fortune on this principle - to do the other person and himself good at the same time!

He is always in sympathy with those less fortunate than himself - there is no way that he would administer a kicking up to one of his aides!"

How kind of the Old Monkey. Of course you do get angry, mostly with yourself. But I'm very strong-willed, I'm very determined. Have I not always said, be upright, pay your rent, avoid brawling and disorder, and you will find Uncle a friend and protector at all times!

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Badfort Winter Olympics 2010

Unbelievably, the Badgertown Olympic Winter Games are being hosted by Badfort!

There have been rumours that Beaver Hateman bribed some official at the Town Hall with a cask of Black Tom - but we have not been able to finf any evidence.

One just has to try and make the best of it, I suppose.

Of course, Beaver and his cronies just see this as another dubious revenue stream. The catering contract has been awarded to Sigismund Hateman. I was not amused to find that a bucket of cocoa cost £95 5s 6d. It was disgusting - consisting of large quantities of hot water and barely a teaspoon of cocoa.




The Old Monkey, a skilled skier, came first in the slalom. This was despite being pursued the whole way by Hitmouse throwing skewers.

The judge, Hootman, then declared Hitmouse the winner. Hootman claimed that the Old Monkey was disqualified for 'having a smug smile'. We went to remonstrate with him, but he just dematerialised in front of our eyes.



Beaver Hateman came first in the dwarfcurling competition, not surprisingly. He is an expert dwarf thrower and is no less skillful at skimming them across ice.

The Badfort have also been busy with another scheme - they call it the Beaver Hateman Tax and its aim is to tax all banks financial transactions. It is no coincidence that they have launched this just after it became known that I have invested in the Badgertown Bank.

They have a website - but it does not function. Some people have suggested that I ordered it to be hacked into in order to effect the voting facility - I cannot possibly comment on that vile accusation.


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