Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Crossing the Line

Beaver Hateman held a "Crossing the Line" ceremony, today, in an attempt to lift the despondency that has settled over the village following the decision by many to stay behind in Tarboosh.

It is an old naval tradition held on board ships as they cross the equator.

It involves the initiation of sailors, who have not crossed the line before, into the realm of Neptune - god of water and the sea in Roman mythology.

As the village approached the equator, Beaver dressed up as Neptune, wearing a white toga, a false beard, a crown and holding a gold trident and a conch shell.

I must say that, at first, it was all very amusing and the villagers joined in with gusto.

The initiation ceremony involved being doused with water from a hose - all good clean fun.

But, when it came to my turn, Beaver decided to add some additional rites - increasingly disgusting ordeals. These included wearing my clothing inside out and backwards; crawling on my hands and knees, being swatted with short lengths of firehose; being locked in stocks and pillories and pelted with mushy fruit and being locked in a water coffin of salt-water and bright green sea dye.

As I attempted to maintain my dignity and remain a good sport, Beaver laughed and shouted "All you have to do is say 'I'm a Washed-up Celebrity, Get me out of here!' - and we will stop the proceedings!"

Whilst crawling through a large tub of rotting garbage I spotted the television cameras.

So, it was clear that this was just a means for the Badfort Crowd to humiliate and degrade me.

Beaver had crossed a line.

"Up with this I will not put!" I trumpeted and catching Beaver off guard I gave him a sound kicking up.

He flew over the church spire and landed with a great splash in the ocean.

Revenge is sweet.

I did get a rather nice certificate for enduring the ceremony. In the space where the name of the crossing vessel is written I rubbed out 'Badsea' and wrote in 'Homesea'

It looks very nice on my cell wall. Beaver has incarcerated me in the police station jail - I am accused of treason.

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