Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Iceberg Ahoy!

It is a good job that Captain Walrus has not deserted us. "Don't worry, Sir, I would never leave a sinking ship!" he declared. Whilst I am not keen on the analogy of a sinking ship it is true that the village is in a parlous state. I have had to ration the customers in my tea shop to not more than one cream bun a day.

Captain Walrus keeps watch from the church tower day and night. It was he that spotted the iceberg approaching the village.

"Iceberg Ahoy!" he shouted and rang the church bells as warning.

It scraped alongside the railway line severely damaging the level crossing and the platform of the railway station. Noddy Ninety was distraught. "What will the railway company say!" he sobbed "They left me in charge and look whats happened!".

I pointed out to him that as no trains could travel to Homesea anymore they were hardly likely to care much. To appease him, however, I organised a repair crew to try and make good the mess.

The Old Monkey and I decided to have our picture taken with the iceberg, on the viewing platform at Strand Quay, as a souvenir.

It was quite exhilarating - for a brief moment I felt like the King of the World.

The Old Monkey and I then went back to open up the teashop. A strange groaning and shuffling could be heard coming from the refrigerator. I swung open the the heavy door and a horrible sight met my gaze.

There, feebly propped against the wall was the wretched dwarf Hitmouse. He was completely blue and looked pretty ill. At his feet stood a bag stuffed full of tins and glass jars.

"This is abominable. I'll have no thieves lurking in my fridge!" I cried.

We put him him by the hot pipes to thaw.

"You rotten bunch of butchers!" shivered Hitmouse, between chattering teeth. "Freezing, a h-honest citizen to d-death!"

"Extraordinary!" I remarked to the Old Monkey "Even when iced-up Hitmouse can spit venom!"

"You came to steal," I told him "The door of the refrigerator is self-closing and shut you in, as you deserved! You only have your own greed to blame for your predicament!"

"I was not stealing! I had orders to keep an eye on you from Mister Hateman. He knows that you are just using this teashop as a front for organising dissent. You're up to no good and don't think we don't know it. I just popped in here in order to eavesdrop on your plans for a coup d'├ętat!" screamed Hitmouse.

"We were talking about a recipe for a cup tart not a coup d'├ętat you fool! - Beaver is just obsessed with power and plots against him!" I declared "and the bare fact is that no one cares who is in charge anymore!"

I then picked up the sack that had been at Hitmouse's feet.

"Stingo Steak, Juba Jelly, Whooshmeat and Mince Pies - I am deeply shocked. Juba Jelly alone is £1 17s 6d a quarter-pound tin. You were not spying you were stealing! Begone you revolting food-snatcher!" I shouted.

"Food hoarder!" screamed Hitmouse as he ran away leaving a trail of skewers behind.

The Old Monkey and I consoled ourselves with a slap-up meal of turkey, roast potatoes and parsnips washed down with a fine Madeira.

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