Sunday, 15 June 2008

Expedition Diary – Extract 6

This is a personal account of the remarkable journey undertaken, by myself and the Old Monkey, to investigate the strange anomaly within the Lost Clinkers Cooling Tower.

Expedition Diary – Extract 6

We passed through the anomaly only to discover a topsy-turvy world where Beaver Hateman rules over Homeward. The Old Monkey and I have met our alter egos, living a dissolute life at Badfort, waging a constant battle with Beaver to overthrow his regime. They agreed to help us retrieve the helicopter from Homeward so that we could return, to our own world, back through the anomaly. But, our doppelgangers are now threatening to go back to the Homeward of our universe in our place.

My alter ego’s eyes burned with desire. Gripped by the insane idea of finally fulfilling his dream of owning Homeward. But suddenly the fire went out of his eyes and he looked quite sad. “No, tis’ but a pipedream – I’m not up to the job. You, clearly, are the elephant I will never be.” he said regretfully. “Your rightful place is as lord and master of your Homeward. From your description - it is a place of great happiness, even if you fight a constant battle with the Badfort Crowd. But you always win – that’s the point. In your universe you are up to the task. In mine I will always be fated to lose and no doubt I would lose in yours as well. For you have the character that I lack. You are a truly great elephant. You must return – at least, then, I will now that somewhere, someplace, an Uncle is in his rightful place.
I know now that if that helicopter leaves the ground and you are not in it, I’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of my life.

I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of an elephant like me don’t amount to a hill of beans in these crazy worlds. Now at least I’ll always have Homeward. I didn’t have, I’d lost it, until you came…and I got it back…even if it is in an alternative universe.”

“Yes,” I replied, “I am a truly great elephant – but you are wrong – you are a noble elephant and one day you shall show the citizens of this world a better life. You shall rule over Homeward and Beaver shall be shown up for the villain that he is, for us Uncle’s are the….”

“Ahem” piped up the Old Monkey “better get going, Sir, or you will miss your tea.”

“Yeah, that’s enough speechifying – let’s get back to the fray and see if we can liberate a few barrels of Black Tom.” added Old Monkey 2 to my other self. “Oh yes, I've a thirst on me now that'd stop a stampedin' wooden-legged donkey” grumbled Uncle 2.

“Um, quite so.” I answered – oh well I suppose it is too much to hope for a complete change of character.

So, we bade fond farewells to our doubles and ascended into the air.

I looked down and saw Beaver Hateman burst onto the roof. Uncle 2 ran up, there was a sharp thud, a loud cry, and then the body of Beaver soared majestically into the air.

“Ah,” I said to the Old Monkey “A kicking up after my own heart !”

The storm raged around us and as we began to descend into the heart of the Lost Clinkers Cooling Tower we were once more hit by a huge lightening fork and the strange static charge enveloped us.

As we came through the blue mist at the top of the tower we could hear cheering. A crowd of well-wishers had gathered - much as they had when we first embarked on our adventure. Cowgill rushed to greet us. “How marvelous of you to be here to greet us on our return.” I remarked to him. “Sorry?, how do you mean, Sir?” he said looking at me as if I were mad “You only left 20 minutes ago.”

So, although we had been gone 2 days no time had passed in our own world.

“So, how about it then Sir? – is the mist just condensation? – shall I order the tower to be demolished?” enquired Cowgill.

“No, definitely not!” I ordered. I told him that the gas was dangerous and gave him instructions to secure the tower so that it could not be entered. I felt it best not to let word get out that there was a world where Beaver ruled Homeward. It would give our own Beaver ideas above his station and we could not risk any further travel between the worlds.

I have decided that the Cooling Tower shall become a memorial to brave elephants everywhere.

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1 comment:

  1. Dear Mr Elephant

    I was fascinated to hear of your experience of parallel worlds.
    I am Davros, creator of The Daleks - though despite having brought them into the world, I seldom hear from them these days.. kids eh?

    I hear they are big tv stars again now...

    Anyway I have been able to follow developments in the life of My Daleks via the efforts of the esteemed galactic historian Nicholas Briggs, whose excellent drama documentaries can be found in the form of the marvellous Dalek Empire chronicles, published by the Big Finish audio people.

    Apparently my Daleks are thriving in a parallel universe as well as in our own!

    The full story can be found in volume 2 of Brigg's exemplary history.

    The eye patch sported by your parallel universe doppelganger reminded me of a most amusing incident that occured at a Dr Who (curse his name) convention a few years back that I was privileged to attend.

    Tom Baker ( who impersonated The Doctor in the BBC's exemplary drama documentaries of the first strand) had sustained an eye injury after being "power hugged" by one Steven Moffat, a bumptious being of the Scottish race..

    Anyway Sutekh, The Black Guardian and myself decided to have a little joke at his expense-

    we are all on stage waiting for Baker to arrive, our backs turned away from him..

    he arrives on stage (somewhat the wose for drink, I understand that this is a not untypical state of affairs with that gentleman)-

    anyway we all turn round to face him, all wearing eyepatches!

    Oh how we laughed.. in fact I had not laughed so much since poor Adric died...

    I hope to return to your screens soon.. if the Dalek Emperor can be bothered to ring...(by the way don't believe all that Dalek Chronicles crap off the back page of TV21, that is all a foundation myth dreamed up by that upstart to airbrush me out of the picture)

    Rumours are that I will be impersonated by a top notch Shakespearian actor this time instead of that bloke off of The Archers..

    Anyway all the best old chap and remember that though power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely - so go for the big one!

    PS is there anywhere in your magical realm that can offer unlimited supplies of rice pudding?

    I need it for my experiments..

    Yours Ever,