Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Come Dine with Me - Day 1

As you know, I held a charity auction for an evening of fine dining with yours truly.

I was not best pleased to find that the winner of the auction was Beaver Hateman.

I don't know how he found the money - I suppose he still has a lot of cash left over from the 'relief' funds he was given by The Screen Actors Guild.

I could not bear the idea of having to spend the whole evening with the detestable fellow so I invited a select group of my friends to dine with us.

I felt sure that Wizard Blenkinsop, Gleamhound, and Mister Cheapman would provide sufficient erudite company to distract me from Beaver's appalling table manners.

Gleamhound brought a bottle of his Jubba Fruit wine - a splendid aperitif, and Cheapman brought a giant box of Turkish Delight (only 2/6d at his stores). Everyone was on splendid form, and Wizard Blenkinsop regaled us with some magical tricks.

Then Beaver arrived - riding a donkey! He always has to draw attention to himself.

My chef, Mig the dwarf, had created a culinary feast.

We started with a delightful pumpkin consomme followed by Mig's signature dish - oxy-acetylene roasted oxen. This was all washed down with casks of lemonade. We finished with a huge banana cake, built like a castle, that my guests could walk through whilst cutting slices with their knives.

"Not a bad feast, Unc!" said Beaver "Not as good as the grub at Badfort, mind you!"

At this, my guests protested. "No one lays on a feast like Uncle" declared Cheapman.

"Well if you like simple fare, I suppose it's O.K." jeered Beaver.

I decided to call his bluff.

"I propose that each guest here tonight prepare a dinner party, on consecutive evenings this week, that we all attend - we shall then vote on who threw the best party. Furthermore I shall give £1,000 to a charity chosen by the winner!" I declared.

"Right mate - your on! I'll show you fine dining!" laughed Beaver.

"I don't know how I could ever manage to improve on tonights extravaganza - but I shall certainly try!" said Cheapman.

"I shall try to provide a magical evening!" cried Wizard Blenkinsop.

"I'm sure that I can mix something up in my laboratory!" cried Gleamhound. This remark was a little worrying - it is well known that Gleamhound's cure-alls inevitably have the reverse effect.

"I think you have little to worry yourself, Sir, I cannot imagine that any one of them can compete with your hospitality" murmured the Old Monkey as the fireworks began and the roaming minstrels, I had hired for the evening, commenced playing.


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