Incredible as it may seem, Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand have been given their own show on Radio Badfort.
I cannot imagine any other radio station contemplating giving a show to this duo - given their reputation.
They rang me up on air!
This is a transcript of the infamous interview that took place.
Brand: It's ringing!
Uncle: Hello, Uncle speaking.
Brand: I don't believe it! its not an answer machine! Its actually him!
Brand: What shall I ask him?
Hateman: Ask him where he got all his ill-gotten gains from!
Ross: You can't do that its really rude!
Uncle: You can ask me any questions you like - I am an elephant of good repute.
Brand: Er, well I have a great deal of respect for you and your great deeds, and your skills on a velocipede, let that never be questioned...
Ross: Don't hint...
Brand: I weren't hinting! Why did that come across as a hint?
Ross: Because you know what he did…
Brand: That wasn't a hint …
Ross: You stole a bicycle!
[laughter in the studio]
Hateman: That's it, thats what we hired you for! - prick the old tyrant's pomposity!
Ross: I got excited, what can I say, it just came out.
Uncle: This is a known misunderstanding from my University days - I borrowed a bicycle, in order to get to an exam on time...
Brand: Yeah, but you didn't ask permission first?
Uncle: Technically, that is true...
Brand: So you nicked it then?
Uncle: How dare you infer...
Ross: You're making it worse, just say sorry.
Hateman: No! don't say sorry! insult him some more!
Ross: This is incwedible! This must be the only wadio station where they don't want you to apologise and wear sack cloth and ashes...
Hateman: Er, no.. you do have to wear sack cloth and ashes - that's what we all wear at Badfort...
Ross: I think I would rather apologise to Uncle - I have a certain sartorial weputation to keep up you know.
Hateman: Are you criticising the way I dress?...cos if you are you are asking for a bunch of fives mate!
Brand: Oooh, this is all getting a bit of of hand.
Ross: Let's just sing to Uncle.
Brand: I'll make up something as I go along…
Brand: [singing…] I'd like to apologise for the terrible attacks, Uncle, even if you are a pompous humbug, the emperor of cocoa-cadgers. I said something I didn't have oughta, like you stole a bike, but I'm sure you didn't mean to squash it flat as a pancake...
Ross: You are making it worse.
Brand: Hang up, hang up! I'm making it worse!
Uncle: I have never been so insulted...
(sound of phone being slammed down)
Ross: Oh no! I think we have done it again.
Brand: No, its worse - Uncle is an International treasure.
Hateman: Rubbish! You done good work mates!
So there you have it - by throwing their lot in with the Badfort Crowd I have no doubt that they have destroyed their careers.
How, you might well ask, could the Badfort Crowd be able to afford the duos fees?
Well, it turns out that having donated a copy of the first Spiderman comic story to Comic Relief Ross was looking to replace it. Beaver offered him a copy as a fee. A dread to think what Mister Brand's payment consisted of.
But how had Beaver come by such a rare comic?
My fears were soon answered. Will Shudder, my librarian, came rushing in. "Oh, Sir," he cried "One of your copies of "Amazing Fantasy - Issue 15" is missing."
"Not the ones signed by Steve Ditko, Jack Kirby and Stan Lee?" I replied. "No Sir, just a rather tatty one." he added.
"The copies of Issue 1 of "Action Comics" are all still there?" I asked.
"Yes, Sir - all present and correct" came the response.